amends
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: cleveland, oho
Posts: 57
amends
I am having real trouble, getting over some of the things I did at my last place of employement. I was employed there 14 years,, in the end my drinking caught up with me in a big way. I was traveling the last 2-3 years on the job. Just drinking out of control every night at a hotel. I was just miserable. I was chasing my tail everyday telling lies to my boss about why I wasnt at a meeting,, not doing things I was suppose to do etc, they sent me to rehabe twice in a 5 month period. I just could not stop,, i was drinking and taking xanax everyday. I felt like i was going to collapse at the end and i did. The worst part wasnt losing the job (although that was really bad) the worst part was after 14 years of working for these guys the last 2 years of constant lies (which were a direct result of drinking in one way or another) have just left me walking around everyday like a zombie. I have tried contacting them to talk. No dice. It has been since March 4 that i was let go. I have been sober since may 15. I still feel as bad now as I did when everything happened and I was fired. It was like a long build up of two crazy years of dinking and xanax and then the knock out punch came. There are three people, that I have tried to make amends to, I have spoke to one. It went sort of ok. The other two just wont return my phone calls, They both live out of town. What should I do. I walk arounf with this guilt and shme everyday. It is horrible. Any response would be very helpful
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 59
Hey Ryan. I'm not a big fan of AA, but a few of the steps actually make a lot of sense. The one about making direct amends whenever possible is one of those. However, if making amends will cause harm, the only thing you can do is accept the fact that those people don't want you to apologize or explain anything.. in those cases, the best thing to do is leave them be.
I had a similar experience with my ex girlfriend. I have tried on numerous occasions to talk to her.. not to try and win her back or get back in her life in any way, but because I genuinely want to just say "I'm so sorry for what I put you through." But now I realize that by trying to contact her, I've caused more harm than good ya know? Maybe the same situation applies with your old colleagues.
Some times, the amount of harm we do can never be taken back or amended for. That's the kind of thing an alcoholic has to live with every day for the rest of his or her life. The only way to make it better is to never let it happen again.
I had a similar experience with my ex girlfriend. I have tried on numerous occasions to talk to her.. not to try and win her back or get back in her life in any way, but because I genuinely want to just say "I'm so sorry for what I put you through." But now I realize that by trying to contact her, I've caused more harm than good ya know? Maybe the same situation applies with your old colleagues.
Some times, the amount of harm we do can never be taken back or amended for. That's the kind of thing an alcoholic has to live with every day for the rest of his or her life. The only way to make it better is to never let it happen again.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 588
Hi! I'm from the F&F side of the Forum. Hope you don't mind my butting in.
When I was in my early 20s I had a friend who very quickly became an alcoholic. Whenever she binged, she became a mean drunk and who treated her "target" for the night terribly. Often I was the target of this abuse.
She is an AA success story. We did sort of an intervention (there wasn't even a word for it back then, we just couldn't think of what else to do), she went to her doctor, joined AA and stopped drinking and has stayed sober (now 30+ years).
When I joined Alanon (AH as qualifer) and started to learn about the steps 3 years ago, I realized she had never made amends to me in the form of an apology and my nose got a little out of joint. I don't know why, but it bothered me. I had never wanted or expected an apology from her until then.
Later, we were having a meeting and the topic was amends and one of the most serene ladies I've met talked about how living a good life and walking the walk was a form of amends and that it didn't have to be in a letter or face to face, like you always see on t.v. A light bulb went off for me! Her 30+ years of sobriety, her recovered lifelong AA husband, her great well-adjusted son, all of it was her amends. I never really wanted an apology from her until I read about the steps, all I really wanted was for her to beat her alcoholism and live a happy life, and she had done that in spades. This "light bulb" moment wiped out the resentment I had let fester, which was really more about me than her.
Just my experience, don't know if it helps.
When I was in my early 20s I had a friend who very quickly became an alcoholic. Whenever she binged, she became a mean drunk and who treated her "target" for the night terribly. Often I was the target of this abuse.
She is an AA success story. We did sort of an intervention (there wasn't even a word for it back then, we just couldn't think of what else to do), she went to her doctor, joined AA and stopped drinking and has stayed sober (now 30+ years).
When I joined Alanon (AH as qualifer) and started to learn about the steps 3 years ago, I realized she had never made amends to me in the form of an apology and my nose got a little out of joint. I don't know why, but it bothered me. I had never wanted or expected an apology from her until then.
Later, we were having a meeting and the topic was amends and one of the most serene ladies I've met talked about how living a good life and walking the walk was a form of amends and that it didn't have to be in a letter or face to face, like you always see on t.v. A light bulb went off for me! Her 30+ years of sobriety, her recovered lifelong AA husband, her great well-adjusted son, all of it was her amends. I never really wanted an apology from her until I read about the steps, all I really wanted was for her to beat her alcoholism and live a happy life, and she had done that in spades. This "light bulb" moment wiped out the resentment I had let fester, which was really more about me than her.
Just my experience, don't know if it helps.
Came to Believe
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Montgomery AL
Posts: 507
Ryan, this would be one of those times that having a sponsor would really come in handy. But from my experience, if you've made a sincere attempt at making an amends and are simply unable to, then you either have to let it go, knowing that you've done your best, or you have to come at it from a different direction. If it were me, I wouldn't be satisfied with a couple of unreturned phone calls, but I'd keep in mind that people aren't going to be lining up to congratulate me on my sobriety -- there won't be any parades in my honor -- and not everyone is going to give me a chance to fix the things I've broken.
MrAverage already mentioned the more important thing which is the second part of Step Ten "Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others." Please try and keep that in mind.
--Fenris.
MrAverage already mentioned the more important thing which is the second part of Step Ten "Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others." Please try and keep that in mind.
--Fenris.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,444
Ryan, I'm not an AA person, but I do know that there are very few situations in which you can control the outcome. These people don't want to speak with you right now, and maybe they never will, and that's up to them. It's not up to you.
I think that making amends is not something you do to relieve your guilt.
You could try sending them a letter, but maybe this amends will be something that you do privately because that's all you can do.
I think that making amends is not something you do to relieve your guilt.
You could try sending them a letter, but maybe this amends will be something that you do privately because that's all you can do.
Guest
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 1,049
Yes to what Anna has written. I replied to one of your other posts (not sure if you read them) I said that we need to let go of what we can't fix. This is a great example. If anyone you are wanting to make amends to isn't interested in giving you that opportunity, respect them for that. Amends are not about you, nor should they be made in order to relieve you of quilt. Perhaps your amend can be represented in you leaving them alone.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,279
A simple letter of gratitude & thanks for all of their support over the years and some apologies for any specific events (that you want to bring up) or a general "I am sorry for any difficulties I may have caused you" as well as an update to let them know that you are now living a sober life and doing well can be just fine.
I believe if the letter is written with the intent to let others know that you appreciate what they did for you & that are are sorry for any inappropriate actions that you did while struggling with your alcoholism/addiction it can be a cathartic experience for all involved parties.
All of the best in your amends & recovery ~ NB
I believe if the letter is written with the intent to let others know that you appreciate what they did for you & that are are sorry for any inappropriate actions that you did while struggling with your alcoholism/addiction it can be a cathartic experience for all involved parties.
All of the best in your amends & recovery ~ NB
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