ConcernedHeart

My boyfriend of going on 3 yrs has baen battling addiction for some time now since 2005. He has been up and down alot lately and Im really worried about him. Hes my heart.. my best friend! He has endless potential in this life if only he would see that with his own eyes! I believe in him and want only the BEST for him, which brings me to why I am here.. Im afraid with all the manipulation and lies and lack of trust and stealing and slips he's been possibly having that I dont want to be a hinde but a help not a crutch ..I want to help him in a positive way, but not enable him! Im torn .. I have so many mixed emotions! The last thing I wanna do is turn my back on him and walk away but in the same breath I dont wanna love him to death!!! I need sum advice.. pls help!!

sTiLlhErE1986

You have defiently come to the right place to find support! I'm new to this too, so the only advice I have for you now is don't forget to take care of yourself too. As you already said you don't want to love him to death, so let him know you love him and want to support him but you have to do it from a distance for now...he must make the decision and take the steps he needs in order to save his own life. It may be the hardest thing you've had to do, but in the long run you taking this step back will be what is best for both of you, if you end up together or not. Good luck!

hello-kitty

Hi. Welcome. Read all the stickies. Educate yourself. Maybe read a book - Co-Dependent No More by Melanie Beattie. You can't save or change your boyfriend and you can't make him see his potential. As it stands, his TRUE potential is that he will end up prison, an institution or dead. That's what an addict gets if they don't get into recovery.

Your love and attention and help will not save him. It doesn't work that way. Recovery is a choice that he has to commit to by himself. In order to get there, he first has to hit "bottom". And no one can predict when or where that will be. His "bottom" is his own and has nothing to do with what you want.

You either choose to go down with him, or you choose to save yourself. It's up to you. What do you want out of life?

Maple

ConcernedHeart, I'm new to this also. My son is addicted to drugs.

You sound much like my DIL who is going through hell at the moment leaving my son because she's frightened but feeling guilty and seeing glimpses of what he can be.

It's so hard sitting back and having absolutely zero control over their addiction.

Impurrfect

(((ConcernedHeart))) - welcome to SR! Reading/posting here and the book suggestions (as well as stickies) are really good suggestions.

I'm an RA (recovering addict) and can tell you it wasn't until I was allowed to hit my bottom that I even thought about recovery. Nothing anyone said or did was going to make me "get it". I am grateful that my loved ones allowed me to dig myself into a deep hole and figure out how to get out.

I also have loved one's who are A's (addicts/alcoholics) so have been on both sides of the fence. Learning how to detach with love is something I still have to work on, occasionally, but have gotten much better thanks to the great folks here.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

Chino

Work the recovery program you wish he would.

outtolunch

For me, the hardest part was letting go of my own fantasy that I had any control or influence over my daughter. In otherwords, accepting that I was powerless over her, her addiction and outcomes.

The more I focused on her, her addiction and outcomes, the less I focused on my own life and the mess it had become as I spiraled down with her.
Taking responsibility for myself and my own reactions is more than a full time job.

hopeful0323

ConcernedHeart,

Seperating from my ABF of 4 years (also father of my children) 3 months ago was the hardest thing I have ever had to do (still struggling with it daily). But it was defiantely the best for everyone involved. I was totally overwhelmed with the situation. I was not even paying attention to me own physical needs. Not eating, not sleeping, etc. It was then I started going to alanon. I have learned over the past few months that his problems are his problems and there is nothing I can do to solve them for him. I love him with all of my heart and am hopeful that he will someday be an active part of our family. Yet, I still am not sure if I ever want to be back in a relationship with him again (still trying to figure that one out!). I guess I just have to give it time and let me figure it out on my own. Hugs and best wishes for you!

ConcernedHeart

Thank you all for ur thoughts.. prayers and kind words but most of all ur experience strength and hope!! Im on the fence about alot rt now with him so these past few days have been rough! I love him thats not even a ?.. but hes so up and down that its become unhealthy. I love him but HATE his addiction!!! He's so not the person he use to be.. and I HATE his DISEASE for that!! I hold onto the person I know he truly is but have ACCEPTED that I will enjoy that man as long as he is in active addiction! Definetly gta go to a meeting tonight.. I need some peace of mind!

cc88

I had to ask myself this: which do I want to do less, love him to death, or detach from him?

outtolunch

Duplicate post- sorry.

mychaos

Please, please, please get and read Co-Dependent no more. I just read it last week and it changed my whole outlook on things. I know full well about "loving someone to death". I see now how controlling and smothering I was. Detaching and letting go are very hard but I promise you can do it. Do I still relapse every now and then? Yes, but I recognize it.

You can't control it no matter how hard you try.