SUECAT

Hey everyone. I am home from work today, I called out sick, AGAIN, blaming it on a partially made up medical problem. I was late twice last week because of being up till all hours drinking. Furthermore, i just started dating someone, who luckily is a very minimal/moderate drinker. I really like this person and have been meditating to welcome love and wellness into my life. Trouble is, my drinking problem is clearly still wildly out of control. I lied to this person already. She asked me to hang out, I said I had work to do, but instead I met a friend at a favorite bar and there is where another disastrous night of 8-9 beers and a whiskey began.

I don't know what I am asking for here except ,maybe some support in the direction of 'youre not a horrible person w a defective character...'....

Thx for any help you've got to give.

MrAverage

Sue, I doubt anyone knows you well enough here to call you a bad person. But it's obvious from the way you worded your post that you are aware of what's happening as a result of addiction. If it's affecting your work and your relationships, you have a very big problem that needs to be addressed.

That said, you're in the right place for support. I've only been sober for 10 days, but my life is already 10 times better as a result. You could say the same thing 10 days from now if you -really- want it. But that's the very first question you have to truthfully answer for your own sake.

I look forward to talking to you soon. =)

Hevyn

Suecat - Of course you're not horrible. You are, however, letting alcohol run the show. This can be stopped - and everything can get better.

I didn't reach out for help the way you are - I let my alcoholism progress until my life was trashed. I even went to jail for a few days at the end of my drinking career. DUI's, ruined relationships, being a fool at work - it was such a nightmare. Yet still I kept trying to control the amounts that I drank - anything so I wouldn't have to give it up entirely. But why? It wasn't fun anymore - all I wanted to do was get numb - and that isn't living. You already know that, though! Congratulations on wanting a better life. You can do this.

SUECAT

Mr Average and Hevyn, thank you both. It is a good way of looking at it, alcohol is totally running my life... . and I consider myself really lucky to have some degree of job security because a lot of employers would have probably fired me long ago. The pattern of lying is just sickening and it is this, aside from the obvious health/safety/relationship risks, that really makes me want to stop the insanity. I am in a space of 'trying moderation' but clearly that's not working. I wish I could make amends to all the people I've been dishonest with.
Mr Average I am curious about your asterisk/comment on AA, would like to talk with you more about that.

Fenris

I can tell you that for me, the only times that I really lied was when it had something to do with my drinking. Whether it was calling in to work so that I could drink instead, or lie to somebody about how much I'd had to drink or if I'd drank at all (swaying back and forth and swearing I hadn't had a drop is the example I hold up when I want to remind myself of how ridiculous I can be). About everything else, I tried to be as honest as I could. Lying about things related to alcohol just unfortunately seems to come with the terrain when you have a drinking problem. That doesn't make it right, but it also doesn't make you a bad person. Some of the best people I know, epitomes of integrity and other moral characteristics that I value, are alcoholics and addicts who've done horrible things in their pasts while in active addiction.

If you recognize that you have a problem, you can do something about it. If you don't know what to do about it, keep reading this forum -- everyone here has found a solution or is working on finding one.

--Fenris.

MrAverage

In my case, as well as so many more people here, moderation was only a temporary fix at best. I "cut back" probably 100 times, only to eventually be back at 12-24 beers a day a few weeks later. Some people just can't moderate.. myself included. It sounds like you're coming to terms with the idea that you may be in the same boat. You're already making some great observations about your habbits man. Keep that honesty while you continue to examine what's happening with the booze.

PS- I didn't have a bad experience with AA.. it just wasn't for me. I'll pm you in a min with some more detail.

soberred

Drinking turned me into the most disgusting, lying, vile creature on the planet. A person I would never be while sober. We do not intentionally set out to be that way. Our addiction makes itself the most important thing in our lives. You can only see that when you make that final decision to quit. You can do it. Most of us here have been there.

OorWullie

You acknowledge you have a problem Suecat so the chances are that unless you try and do something about it, you might lose your job and this relationship and I think you know this. You've come to the right place for support and if you spend some time reading posts you will see that you are not a 'defective character'. You're just someone who needs help and advice, just like the rest of us.

sugarbear1

I've heard many times "we are not bad people getting good, we are sick people getting well."

YVRguy

Welcome to SR SUECAT , lots of company here and lots of support. There is lots of info and people who can relate to the situations of a drinking problem.

Opting for a drinking time versus other possibly more wonderful things sure rings a bell for me.

I am not a horrible person but add alcohol and I make a pretty nasty mixture and it twists me to some other being.

There are lots of path to getting well so have a look around SR, one might be a good fit for helping you

Dee74

Welcome back SUECAT
no you're not a horrible person - but you're letting yourself be treated pretty badly.

Honestly, I think you need a better plan than 'trying moderation'.

It's time to reclaim the person you know you are

D

SUECAT

Dee you are absolutely right. I know there is so much for me in this life that drinking robs me of experiencing -- healing, connection, laughter, honesty, productivity... And I need to be treated better. I know 'trying moderation' is BS.

Any suggestions for better plans?

Lizbass60

I've done this before, Suecat-and It cost me big time recently. You're not horrible, I'm not horrible, none of us are; we just have a horrible disease.

Anna

Hi Sue,

I'm glad you posted and as others have said, you are not a bad person. Alcoholism is not a character defect.

It's good you recognize that your actions are harming all aspects of your life - job, girlfriend, etc. Are you ready to make the changes in your life that you need to make in order to recover?

debsam

Welcome Suecat,

As you can see...lots of support here for you. You can get out of this vicous cycle.
Keep reading and posting my friend You can do it!

Dee74

Abstinence is about the only plan that worked for me Sue.

There's a lot of ways to get there tho - outside of counselling or rehab there's AA, SMART, LifeRing, SOS, Rational Recovery, various christian based methods....

Read around, post, find something makes sense to you and take it from there

D

Cardio

Sue I'm only 2 days sober. And I hear you loud and clear. I know it's not going to get *better* if I keep drinking, only worse. And I can't deal with "worse" than my past Saturday night.

Zebra1275

I didn't think lying was much of a problem for me when I was drinking. I'm a pretty honest person and I generally don't lie. However, I sure was secretive in my addiction so I did a lot of lying by omission. It's nice not to need to do that anymore.