Wife2anaddict

It’s been a while, but I think that’s a good thing. RAH just got his 6 mos. clean. He’s been living in an SLE for about 4 ½ mos. He appears to be doing very well. I separated our finances while he was in rehab, and he pays me more than enough child support every paycheck and gives me more if it’s needed. He attends meetings 6-7 times a week, still has the same job (for about 8 yrs.) and is very active in the kids’ lives. He coaches our daughter’s soccer team, volunteers at her school and takes the kids to church every Sunday while I clean the house. He eats dinner with us mostly every night, helps get the kids bathed and ready for bed, then goes to his meeting and then to his SLE for the night. He comes back to our house in the morning to help kids get ready, pack a lunch and then goes off to work. I am grateful for what he does.

While I admittedly don’t focus on my recovery as much as he does, I am happy with my own progress. I continue to read daily. I’ve learned to allow my thoughts pass through my codependent filter before they become actions. I listen more, talk/blame/accuse less. The biggest revelation to me was recognizing my own part in the past 10 yrs. of chaos. It’s not all his fault, and he’s held some resentments over my blaming as well. It was a typical cycle of me giving, giving, giving, followed by expectations that would never pan out, which was followed by blaming/resenting, etc. Over the last several months, we have talked, in detail, of each of our resentments, so we can let them go. We’ve held them inside for many years just so we could ignore them and move on, only to have them explode during any given argument.

Now, I simply give what I feel like giving, and not more. I’m not on top of him every second. If he chooses to go to a mtg, or with his friends or work on his car, I just say bye instead of whining and begging for more time with me. Miraculously, just like they say, he ends up giving more this way too. It’s been an ideal arrangement. We are still married, still in love, still parents to our children, just simply becoming separate people.

The point to this is, the SLE for him, has mainly served as a place to regroup his own thoughts, and be his own person, un-enmeshed from me and the children. His space to mediate, read, etc. A place to be HIM and not father, husband, employee, etc.

Well the owner of the SLE told my RAH on Saturday, that he thought my RAH has had enough clean time and that he’s back on his feet, so he needs to move out so a new addict can move in. My RAH is really upset about this. He kind of feels like he’s being punished for doing all the right things.

We have not even discussed him moving back to the house, but it’s like he has no choice now. I am sure it would happen eventually, but being so sudden makes us both very scared. I can’t seem to figure any other reason that makes me nervous other than FEAR. I don’t want to make the wrong decision or move too quickly.

Any words of advice/wisdom?

PaperDolls

I don't know what part of the world you're in but he could look into Oxford House (Self-Run, Sober Living). I'm not sure what an SLE is for sure, but unlike a half-way house type of situation, at an Oxford House there is no certain length of time you can live there. You will never be asked to leave unless you break the rules of course. Here is a link: Oxford House

In any case, if one of you doesn't feel ready yet then it's probably not time.

loveforhorses

I too was going to suggest oxford house. My RABF lives in one and even though we want more together in life this is the best place for him right now... for his recovery. See if you have one in your area. They help a lot of people

cece1960

I have no experience to share in this area, but I'm so happy to hear that things are progressing in a positive direction for the both of you.

Its so good to hear

(((Hugs)))