Pigtails

Hi. I was here before and was all gung-ho and positive about not drinking for awhile, "as much" etc. And I would tell myself I was done drinking forever but I didn't really believe it. It was my first time realizing I had such a big problem and trying to address/fix it.

I think I was still very much in denial. I finally realized I was born an alcoholic & I'll die an alcoholic. I can choose what to do about it, but the basic fact of who I am doesn't change. Does this make anyone else feel horribly depressed?

After several attempts at not drinking and then a rather long spell of "controlled" drinking, with varying success [of course, I heralded my successful times and downplayed my not-so-successful times, or started feeling depressed/down on myself about them] I'm on Day 4 of not drinking. This time I realize it needs to be a permanent solution and not one I just explore or think might work for me, etc.

I've tried AA and individual counseling, and I'm considering trying one or both again but I'm not sure. What helped me the most was hearing/reading stories about other alcoholics. I felt I could relate and that I "belonged." But this is depressing, that I never feel "normal" or like I belong with "regular" people, and the one place I do belong or fit in is in a roomful of alcoholics, or reading about other alcoholics' stories, etc.

I just want to get my life on track to where I want it to be. I never wanted this to be my life. I had such big hopes and plans. I read about accepting things they way they are and being content, but, I hate that I let my life get to this point and I know it can be more.

The one thing I'm doing differently so far is being honest with myself about how big of a problem this is and doing whatever it takes to address it. My "best friend" was my drinking/partying buddy, and now I'm not friends with her anymore. This was more her decision than mine, because I have slowly started to "grow" up -- not drinking/going out/partying as much {and now not drinking at all}, focusing on my goals instead of on "having fun", finding a relationship that inherently took away from the amount of time I spent with her, etc. -- and she doesn't want me as a different kind of friend, she wants it like it was or not at all, so, we are not friends at all, but I've been realizing that it's a good thing and I guess it was inevitable. It hurts but it was inevitable. And it means I've slowly gotten rid of all my hard core drinking/partying buddies... whether purposefully or accidentally (they just don't call me up anymore, or, they were my friends through her, etc.) I took down all my drinking memorabilia and party pictures etc. I try to focus on my goals instead of thinking about drinking or not drinking {can't say I always succeed}. I try to stay productive instead of wallowing in self-pity {ditto}. I try to be honest with my boyfriend about how serious I think this issue is, and he is supportive.

Before there were two different mes... the non-drinking Pigtails, who wrote on here and went to AA for a bit and read about alcoholics and alcoholism, but still thought she could keep some aspects of the drinking Pigtails alive... as if it were only temporary and everything could be worked out. Now I'm realizing it is all or nothing. And the non-drinking Pigtails somtimes feels hopeful and motivated towards positive change but often feels depressed and worthless.

I just wanted to share. I am just looking to talk and to stay sober no matter what. I'm not particularly craving a drink right now but I was rather depressed and in a vegetative state today mentally and physically. I've been realizing that at least the last year of my life has been very zombie-ish, and that I've messed up the last 8 years or so of my life. I wonder if I've gone so far off track that I can't get back on even if I want to.

Dee74

First of all welcome back pigtails

Congratulations on reaching that point. I think it's actually a milestone.

I think most of us get depressed when we quit - there's a natural process of readjustment our minds and bodies go through which can leave us tired listless and unmotivated if not outright depressed. Thats all pretty normal and chemical based.

I think some of us have an extra layer to that tho.

Acceptance can be freeing in one sense, but it can weigh heavy too.

For me a lot of that weight was fear. All my adult life I'd regulated my moods with booze or drugs. I didn't know how life was lived without that.

The good news is I soon learned - and while it wasn't a walk in the park some days, it was nothing like the ordeal I feared it would be either.

I think you'll soon start to feel more vital and realise there's nothing to be depressed about

D

Pigtails

Thank you for the encouraging words, Dee. I hope that's what happens to me. Last time(s) I had a period of feeling uplifted and great about not drinking, but then I soon hit a slump. This time it's like the slump happened right away, although I do have periods of feeling more hopeful and happy.

Boleo

Abstinence vs Recovery - Is There A Difference? - AddictionSearch.com Forums

Pigtails

This link helped, thanks.

What stood out to me the most is:

* They utilize resources instead of or in addition to will-power to maintain
sobriety and to learn healthier ways to think, feel, and act.

I am trying to do this and would like to keep doing this. I realize that my problems won't just go away by not drinking (but that drinking will make everything worse). I'm trying to face the problems and learn how to deal with the problems.

* They have no desire to drink or use again and would not do so even if reasonably sure that problems would not recur.

I am not here yet, although I hope to get there. I'm more of the first category of person who wants to drink and would drink if I knew no negative consequences would occur because of it. BUT, I'm beginning to realize that negative consequences can accumulate gradually and that it's not just something big and earth-shattering. So even if nothing hugely bad (arrests, job loss etc.) happened to me due to drinking, my every day life is much worse due to drinking and could be much better if I didn't drink. I'm slowly starting to see/accept this and it does make me grateful to not be drinking, even if I feel depressed at being an alcoholic... if I'm making any sense.

CaiHong

Welcome back Pigtails,

It is such a bumpy road to sobriety. I know that lurking close to the surface is the other Caihong still thinking she can drink.

I am sitting here procrastinating about going to a meeting. I need the support, I have been feeling flat, crabby, bored. I need to do something to get out of this rut, something positive towards my recovery, for me that would be a meeting.

All the best
CaiHong

Pigtails

I think that part of my issue is learning how to have a lifestyle that doesn't involve drinking, and, how to go about telling people and not worrying what they think of me or giving into pressure (even if it's internal pressure) to drink. For instance, it feels really easy to say "I'm not drinking until Halloween" because there are clear reasons not to do so, that I can tell myself and other people: I'm training for a half marathon and drinking keeps me from my goals of being in the best shape and able to perform my best, and I'm trying to lose weight and drinking doesn't help that either.

My issue is when I think, or people say, well you can make an exception for Halloween... the night when I always get dressed up and go out with friends. I have no idea what to do instead, or what to tell people. Do I go to the parties I'm invited to, and not drink? Do I stay home and watch scary movies with my boyfriend and hand candy out to kids? Do I try to compromise and plan/host a non-drinking Halloween party where people can come and get dressed up but not drink... which seems silly, I mean, what kind of adults get dressed up in silly costumes without drinking?! (I'm sure there are some but I would feel weird doing it sober!)

I just feel like it's become such an ingrained pattern that I'm not sure how to break it. I now know that my sobriety has to come first, and if that involves staying in on Halloween, so be it. I used to wonder if I was just going through a temporary "drinking phase" and if I could fix it by not drinking except on special occasions. I guess I have to let that idea die because it's not realistic if I'm no longer in denial.

Pigtails

Thanks CaiHong. Yes, I'm realizing that there's a me and there's an alcoholic me. There always will be. All I can control is what I do about it. It's a scary and often depressing thought but motivates me to action all the same.

I went to a few meetings and was overwhelmed in a positive way by all the supportive people who truly wanted to help me. I was overwhelmed in a negative way by thoughts of having to admit I'm an alcoholic and have this be my life. I was overwhelmed in both a positive and negative way by the feeling that I belonged somewhere, and that that somewhere was there.

When I went the longest without drinking, I was feeling obstinate and stubborn one day, like, no, I'm not an alcoholic, I should just relax and have a drink, and I went to a new group (I was at the early stages of "comparison shopping" for a group to belong to regularly and trying different meetings every day) and felt like everyone there was whining in misery. I didn't want to be like them (yet here I am, whining in misery). I decided, no, it's not for me, and I left and had a drink!

I am really afraid that if I go back I will have this triggering reaction. There were a couple women I met in my short amount of time there who were so helpful and supportive and eager to listen. I've been thinking about calling them and just talking. I feel like I'm at a place where I have to work this out on my own and get some sobriety under my belt before I go back to a group setting, if that makes sense? Talking online and to some people I can relate to seems like a good idea but being in a place where I know I'll feel overwhelmed with emotions doesn't seem like the best idea. I'm not sure.

honeypie

Hi Pigtails - I relate.

In the past I have decided, after waking up feeling like crap and regretful of something, OK THIS IS IT! and I have gone several months sober here or there. But deep down I took heart, weirdly, knowing that it was like a sober coat I was putting on and I somehow still figured that one day, when stuff in my life was much, much better, whoosh! I would throw the sober coat off and go running into the world of wine and cocktails again with relief and happiness!

Well...nah. I am just recently sober again. Why? Because like you, I guess I have come to admit it...wine is not and never will be my friend, I am an alcoholic just like my Dad, and I need to get on with it!

I guess what I am trying to say is, better for us to be depressed about our condition of realizing we can't drink anymore, than being depressed because of other worse stuff (like killing someone from drunk driving or passing out drunk and hitting our head and going into a coma or etc...you get the picture) - today's depression is hopefully tomorrow's "phew!" sigh of relief - dodged a bullet!!

Hang in there Pigtails!

sugarbear1

Hi Pigtails! I support whatever choice you make! Welcome to SR (or welcome back!)

Mark75

AA, or any recovery program, does not have to be your life. Maybe for a while you will benefit from total immersion, or nearly so... But your life can be anything you want it to be, as long as you don't drink... And you can do anything you want, except drink... Because being a hard core alcoholic closes a whole lot more doors than simply not drinking does. And for alcoholics, in the end, the doors that get opened are to institutions, jails and morgues.

Just let go of all this negative projection into the future. That serves no purpose and takes you away from the task at hand. Some people would say that it's your disease talking and that it wants you back... I don't know, I think that shifts the focus away from your own responsibility and gives too much power to alcohol.

But how do you get the needed power to get sober and be happy about it? AA has a program that helps you do that. It's not the only one, but it's the one I use.

Take this one day at a time. Trust the process. I felt much like you do at first, so did a lot of us. It gets better, really!!

Dee74

I think most people think how will I live? what will I do?

the short answer is you just do...and it's nothing like the enormous thing we build it up to be

I know I've tended to assume everyone obsessed over drinking like I did.

Other people are far less interested in what we do or don't do or drink or don't drink than we are.

Just let go and live your life pigtails - focus on today

Halloweens not a big thing here, but there's 2 weeks or so before it happens - I'm sure there'll be threads here for people to find support in

D

simplex

Wow pigtails you sound a lot like me! For the feeling of depression when you leave denial; I haven't really put it to myself so simply before. I can also identify with the feelings of, "wow is this going to be my life? sitting in a room with alcoholics talking about our problems? Helping other people constantly? Being straight edge? Or what do I tell people? I'll have to make all new friends?" Being younger and alcoholic, I frequently get the feeling too of, "wait... this wasn't at all the plan." It seems overwhelming early early on, but I'm learning for me that those are all things that I say to myself to scare myself into going back and "drinking on special occasions, or just on Friday nights." etc.

I quit again a little more than 4 months ago after trying to be normal and drink again for about a month and half (after a year plus of sobriety.) Quitting this time sent me into a big depression. I failed again at drinking when I really needed to not fail at it (in my mind to maintain a relationship, so wrong hah) I thought at the time it was because of the eventual breakup, or just that I regretted specific things during the last drinking episode. But it was deeper than that. I realized within myself that I could never drink successfully.

I had and still have sometimes a lot of the questions you do about what to do/friends/special events (Halloween, the 4th) What I'm slowly slowly learning is that my need to drink and picturing drinking being involved in every significant thing I do in my life was/is the problem. My perception of things is the problem. I've learned too that when you become aware of something that you know to be true (such as being alcoholic) we can't go back to not knowing it. We can choose to ignore it and pretend that it's not the case because it doesn't fit into our mental picture of ourselves (I have been the master of this.) I think that's where the depression comes in sometimes. We know that we know. And in the future we don't have that excuse to use with ourselves anymore, that we aren't really alcoholics. But like D said, this is a good thing I think. Without this knowledge of yourself as a foundation, any moving forward in sobriety would be burdened with doubts like, "is this really necessary," in the back of your mind. No matter how much time you went without drinking.

Try not to think about the future picture in regards to all of the "negative" things about not drinking. I know it's hard. Just focus on not drinking for right now or today. What I've learned in these four months (with A.A, SR, and other means) is that our outlooks change. We tend to view the future in the context of how we perceive things now. But we change everyday. By not drinking we're able to grow and change in a positive way. Through a program we gather tools that make this journey easier.

I don't know if this makes a lot of sense. Sometimes I get so excited by posts and threads I connect with I feel like all of my attempts to relate are scatter shot and unclear :/ Hang in there! The depression will lift and you will see things differently as you grow!

artsoul

Good to see you posting again, Pigtails. I really hope you'll start to feel more positive about things in the next few days. I know it took some time for me to realize that my feelings are always changing and having a couple low days didn't mean it was going to be that way forever. I also learned that I can help myself by looking for something positive in every situation.

It was sometimes easier to think of the fact that I was not a social drinker than it was to think about being an alcoholic. I know that I never was or will be happy with just a drink here and there. I know that alcohol makes me sick, causes huge problems in my life and becomes a terrible obsession. Therefore, I don't want it in my life anymore and choose not to drink............. When I come at my alcoholism from that angle, it doesn't seem to be quite as harsh/negative.

Thanks for sharing so much in your post. It helped me tonight. Try to keep things as simple as possible, treat yourself to some good food and give yourself lots of TLC. :ghug3

CarolD

If you do decide to go back to AA....this time work the Steps
because when I did that.....I found solid recovery...a new me..

I certainly did not expect to become a depressed alcoholic...I've yet to meet anyone who stated..
"My life is super....I feel wonderful...each day is productive...think I better go to AA"

Welcome back...

Pigtails

Hi everyone, and thanks for the nice welcome back. I'm feeling much better today. More positive about my sobriety. I think a big part of my issue was trying to decide am I/aren't I and what to do about it . . . it feels like kind of a relief to just admit to myself, finally, that I am, and that I don't want to drink. No maybe I'll just have one, no in the future I can, no temporary break . . . just, this is bad for me and I need to stop it. That is the simplest way about it. At first it really depressed me but now after coming here and talking about it I feel a lot better.

I wanted to address individual posts and I just wanted to say that I'm going to try to be as honest as I can. Some of this stuff is really hard to write or even think about, but I feel like the more honest I am, the more resolve I'll have to stick to it this time. I am grateful to have such a supportive, non-judgmental group of people online to share this stuff with. Thank you.

Pigtails

Hi HoneyPie. Regarding the first bolded portion of your post- yes, this is always how I envisioned it. Like, right now I can't drink, I'm working on fixing this problem, but eventually I'll be able to socialize with cocktails, enjoy a beer on a hot summer day, etc. I realize that I was glamorizing drinking and that I really can't help it, it's just something my mind does. But I'm trying to fight against it by telling myself, no, I cannot ever drink. I am an alcoholic and if I drink then very bad things happen.

On that note, and regarding the second bolded portion of your post, the biggest thing that got me back to this point (but with even more resolve this time, I hope) is that my boyfriend was arrested for DWI on Wednesday night. It easily could have been me. I feel guilty because we had decided not to drink for health reasons- we're training for a race and trying to lose weight and get into shape- and hadn't had anything to drink all week and we weren't supposed to that night either. But I had a confrontation with my ex-friend who basically dumped me because I am trying to get healthier and happier... I have a boyfriend and a desire not to drink/party all the time and she doesn't want to be friends in that capacity... she's mad at me because I've changed, anyway, she said and did some really hurtful things to me and I left the restaurant we were at because I was about to cry, and my boyfriend was driving me around while I was crying and I stupidly said I wanted a beer. Out of all the things to make me feel better . . . I could have gone for a run, eaten dinner which is what we were supposed to be doing before the confrontation . . . I had a strange thought about going to sit in a hot tub, which would have been a much better idea . .. but no, I turned to alcohol. I had had so many close calls with DUI before.... my state is really big on them because it's a big problem where I live... and I've been either in the driver's seat or passenger seat praying (and I don't even believe in God really) that the officer won't arrest me or my friend/whomever was driving and promising myself/whomever that I would never drink again if things turned out okay. In the past I escaped these close calls but this time my prayers went unanswered and I guess I finally deserved it but I am so sad that it was my boyfriend and not me.

It's just really a wake-up call to me because as horrible as it is, it could have been worse. As you commented off the cuff, it could have been an accident or a fatality. I am trying my best to use this as a positive motivator to turn my life around and be grateful that this is all that happened when it could have been something much worse.

Like you said, it makes me realize that alcohol is not and never will be my friend. That night I was feeling so emotionally low but alcohol only made it worse. So it's NOT something to turn to to escape, it's not something that really makes me feel better, it just makes everything worse. I need to remind myself of this if I feel like drinking. (I haven't really felt like drinking, I've just felt depressed, and am used to numbing that emotion with alcohol, so I've been feeling really out of sorts and lost).

Thank you for your post and for letting me know you can relate.

Pigtails

You're right. I enjoy running and have gotten back into a training program for races that I used to do years ago but haven't done in quite awhile. I also like to ski and would like to join a local soccer team.

Right now my job is in flux... for quite awhile I've hated it and wanted to start my own business; I've saved up money to do it but I get scared and so I stay stuck. Stuck not leaving but also not making my current job any better... just stuck existing miserably. Right now work has really picked up and I could take advantage of that and work a lot at my current job while also making concrete plans to leave that take the fear out of it.

I enjoy reading and writing and would love to just come home and relax that way instead of turning to alcohol. It's like therapy for me, a real passion. So there are all these things I can do instead of drinking, in addition to AA, if I decide to do that. I've been trying to re-connect with friends of mine who don't drink or that don't have their social life revolve around drinking.

There are many things my life can/should revolve around besides alcohol. You're right.

Thank you.

Pigtails

Hi Dee. I think my problem has been that most of my friends obsess about alcohol like I do. They don't understand that I don't want to drink, and are personally offended by it. I think I have found the only solution, which is just not to be friends with them anymore. This has been really hard for me and has happened not by my choice... basically I've found that if I don't want to go out and party all the time, the people who I thought were my friends are no longer my friends.

Perhaps I need to be more open about my reasons for doing this and just tell my close friends (or the people I thought were my close friends) "I'm depressed and miserable due to drinking, I've realized I have a big problem with it and I need to stop. I don't want our friendship to end and I hope we can still get together and talk in other capacities, but I cannot attend these social events." Maybe if I'm just more up front with it, they will understand, and right now they feel like I'm blowing them off. Or maybe they won't care. I've tried to talk to them about it without being that forthcoming (because I'm embarrassed about it and still trying to figure it all out, and when I do try to talk to people about it, even my sister, they say things like "you're not that bad, you just have to stop after a couple of drinks if you want it to not get to the point where you do stupid things and get hungover the next day", etc., and I start to believe them... and I really, really need to not listen to anything other than YOU ARE AN ALCOHOLIC, STAY AWAY FROM ALCOHOL... which is why I came back here), but it seems to me that all they care about is going out and partying. That if I don't want anything to do with that, then they don't want anything to do with me. Which I guess is how it will have to be.

I guess what I'm saying is I finally get that I have to change everything, including those friends, or at least what I do with those friends, and then I won't have so many thoughts of "how am I going to get through this? What will people think?" I just have to concentrate on myself and what I want, which is a better life. I've tried everything and I realize the only way to that goal is to stop drinking for good.

Pigtails

Yes, it is definitely our perception that is the problem, I totally get what you mean. I am trying very hard to live in the moment, and to think about how my actions today affect the future. I often get caught up thinking of the kind of future I want or berating myself for not being there yet or for messing up in the past. But then I am wasting all of my todays. And what is the future except a today that happens tomorrow?

On a side note, I'm not totally sure what you mean about drinking to keep a relationship but my biggest struggle since I started to realize I have a problem and since coming to SR etc. has been with friends, and specifically with my "best friend"... I kept drinking or went back to drinking because it seemed like an important thing to do to keep my relationship with her. Which is stupid. I just felt like I "owed" it to her to keep drinking because that's what our relationship was based on and I didn't want to let her down or leave her hanging. Pathetically, I imagined how I would feel if I wanted to go out and drink and she wasn't "there for me." That is really messed up. I realize that, and even realized it at the time, but I didn't know how to break free of it. Now I think the answer is pure honesty. "I can't do this anymore because it is very bad for me." How hard is that to say? It was/is very hard for me. I don't know why. I'm finding that she has no problem putting her own needs/wants first. I suppose that's helpful, to realize that if she can't understand where I'm coming from, she was never a true friend at all, or maybe she just needed me at that time in her life and I needed her, but for all the wrong reasons, and now there is no choice but to go our separate ways.

I'm sorry for rambling. I'm probably not even making sense. I feel like I'm dealing with bigger issues than my alcoholism right now, but it's probably all related. It's nice to "meet" you Simplex and I thank you for sharing your journey with me because I can really relate.