ryanriley

I am 40,, i have drank since i was 16,, weekends,, usually twice during the week, EVERYTHING AND EVERYONE I KNOW OR HAVE DONE HAS BEEN ABOUT DRINKING. Same friends since junior high school. Out with with my wife and friends every weekend to dinner or parties.. always something. Since I have been sober may 15 i have been at home EVERY weekend watching tv,, I mean there is nothing to do. I can only go to so many movies, I know my wife wants to go out, but she wont because i wont go out and NOT drink. Im not going to spend the rest of my life in aa meetings. My sponsor is 65,, he really doesnt understand.. Hes helpful,, but not on this one.. Ive posted a couple times the past few days.. this site is very helpful to me any help would be appreciated

least

REally? You won't 'go out' if you can't drink? Isn't that kind of isolating yourself? And what about your wife? Does her life come to a halt because you won't go out and not drink?


As far as there being 'nothing to do' without drinking, I have no suggestions since I'm a stay at home type and don't mind a bit staying home. I do know that there are things to do sober, but you'll have to find them.

Why don't you do some volunteer work? Nothing like helping someone worse off than you to take your mind off your own problems...

BadCompany

It is hard to look beyond our drinking parameters, but once we do we find there is not enough time in the world. Since getting sober I have; Gotten into USPSA combat handgun competetion, skeet shooting, motorcycle riding including my recent venture into off road motorcycles, theater, fishing, hunting, woodworking, 4X4 trucks, building models, restoring old shotguns, started a business, went broke with that business, flying lessons are in the works but I start piano lessons next week.

It's out there, you just gotta go get it.

ARTEMIS

Ryan what about walking or hiking? You must be feeling better if you have been sober since May. Something healthy you could do with your wife

freshstart57

Please treat that long suffering woman of yours to dinner and parties. Have you been sober long enough to pass on a drink? If so, it's time to get back to some of the things you used to do, and change that decision to not attend anything where there might be beer, booze or wine. If you've been sober for 5 months and still aren't sure about how you would react in that situation, then best err on the side of caution.

I would still treat that Resident Love Goddess to a nice time, she deserves it/

ryanriley

least,, IF we go out,, our friends all are very heavy drinkers,, I know she misses going out with them.. But I will not do this.. I know I would drink.. Sobriety is a VERY lonely place.. Very lonely

least

Sobriety CAN BE a lonely place, but it doesnt' have to be lonely. Sounds like you're feeling sorry for yourself and dragging your wife along on the sorry train...

eJoshua

+1 to this.

There are a lot of sober people out there, and many of them are quite fun to hang out with as well. If you lock yourself away in your house and don't look for fun then of course you won't find anything to do.

Deserto

Ryan, Bad Company has some good advice. There are a million things to do without drinking. I think many people who started drinking early in life never got the chance to develop healthy interests and hobbies, but now you've got all the time in the world. Try something! Maybe nothing Bad Company suggested strikes your fancy -- what might?

Maybe you can find something you can participate in. Maybe you can pick up the paper and find something in your area that you've never done before -- and then go do it. Maybe take a dance class with your wife.... or volunteer somewhere... or go out for nice breakfasts on the weekends. Just throwing out ideas here.

I trust your own judgement on the parties and what not. But you're right -- there's only so many movies you can watch. The world is a wonderful place; we just have to learn to open ourselves up to experiencing it. After a lifetime of drinking, that can be difficult, but I hope you'll go out and experiment.

ryanriley

yeah,, i guess i am feeling sorry for myself,, is that not allowed in aa?? Basic human emotion and feelings,, I drink for more than half my life then stop,, and dont expect to have drastic major changes in my life?? different feelings,, be pissed?? Just put a smile on my face move forward like nothing is different

horsekisses

I have six days sober today and have so much to do. Worked this afternoon on list off all the things that need done. I camp and trailride with friends, they all drink. I think I'll be able to handle that someday. If not I will make new friends to ride with. Maybe you and your wife could sit down and make a list of things you would like to do together, you might come up with other options. Good luck!

Anna

I'm not an AA person, but I know I couldn't have just gone forward with a smile and nothing changing.

Everything changed for me and it had to for me to recover. I was also in my forties and I had to let go of so much and change from the inside out. If you sit at home because you don't want to be with drinking friends, then maybe it's time to look for activities and friends that don't involve drinking. Volunteering saved my soul and gave me a chance to meet some amazing people and make a few really good friends.

suki44883

Photography, art gallery openings, museums, roller derby, concerts, bowling, rock climbing, sledding, pot luck dinners, movie nights/marathons, horseback riding, conventions (classic cars, new cars, boat show, home show, gadgets, anime, board game night, take a class together, attend high school football games, etc. There are tons of things to do together that don't involve drinking.

If you are 40 years old and still hanging out with friends from school, sounds like it's time to make some new friends.

nvrbeentospain

The thing is, though, most people your age aren't heavy drinkers, so you can find new people to hang out with. I know it's hard, especially since it sounds like you've been hanging out with the same crew since forever, but it's doable.

As for things to do on a weekend, what about going to a nice restaurant or maybe a play. Or you could invite your friends over for dinner, specifying that it's a non-alcohol event. If they're not actually alcoholics, they should be cool with that. If they are, then, well, maybe you shouldn't be hanging out with them at all anyway.

Dee74

Everything is different tho - I think thats what people are trying to get across Ryan.

I drank for 20 years - I came to expect that my fun, my sociability, and my interest being held would all come from a bottle.

When you take the bottle away it's understandable we feel at a loss - but if you sit at home waiting for happiness and peace of mind to descend upon you...you're probably going to have a long wait.

Life is what you make it Ryan - and you get out what you put in.

Find some new hobbies, new interests...treat your wife to a cosy dinner out for two...

There's no need to become a hermit...if your friends are all heavy drinkers, either find new friends or stick with the friends who support you staying sober.

Putting ourselves out there again is scary...but it shouldn't be that scary
Being cautious is good...getting stuck is not.

If putting yourself out there still terrifies you, then find more support.

If after five months you haven't started to build a new life then, respectfully, I think you're not giving yourself or your recovery the best chance.

I got sober to live again, not live in fear.
I did that for long enough.

D

Scolova

I am 40 as well, times like this make me realize how a good sponsor has to be a really good match (I'm not in AA, but now have some sober friends as well as SR). I've had a completely different experience with the drink from you, I drank myself into an extremely lonely existence where I did nothing socially, but slump to the beer aisle of the store, not make eye contact with anyone, pay, go home and get out-of-my-mind wasted. In the past few years I started having week long episodes of not being able to hold down anything, My mind kept saying DRINK my body kept saying NO! .. any boredom I might feel now is nothing in comparison to all that.
When I quit smoking pot I never gave those "friends" attitude about it, but they got bitter at me and for my own sanity I had to cut-ties.
Most of my drinking friends were the type to get hammered and start sh!t anywhere and everywhere.... most of them have crashed and burned. :\

least

You can feel sorry for yourself all you want, just know that victims don't do recovery as well as non-victims. I was a victim for a long time but I cast that off and now have a real life. I make choices, I go places, I do things, I keep up my home. And I also choose to deal with any consequences of my actions. But I'm no longer a victim, I'm a person dealing with real life.


If you've been sober since May and still "know" you'll drink if you go out with friends, maybe you've got some more work to do on your recovery. Getting sober isn't about being isolated and miserable, it's about living your life to the fullest without alcohol.

You said most of your adult life has revolved around drinking. If that is indeed the case then you've never learned how to really live life. The choice is yours: stay stuck in victim mode or learn to live all over again.