mayacatqueen

Hi everyone.

My name is Maya. I have been sober for about 3 months and I am ready to quit AA. I do not know if I will drink again if I do but I feel like I am in a rut and don't know what to do.

I have been developing a lot of feelings for one of my fellow AAr's. I feel like is not his fault that I feel so attracted to him but the intensity of my feelings is well... intense. He seems to share this with me, he hugs me, he sits with me at meetings but being the honorable man that he is, he has not make a pass on me. I just can not deal with those feelings right now, and due to the nature of AA, if I keep seeing him I most likely will have deeper feelings, because he always share like very deep stuff.

Maybe I am overreacting. But it feels like so overwhelming. I want to quit for a few days, clear my head. I have not had feelings while sober in a long time and I do not know what to do. Thanks for reading.

Maya.

Deserto

Maya, Can you just try going to another meeting where this gentleman won't be? Or perhaps a women's only group?

Kudos to you for sensing ahead of time that something emotionally may be happening for you that you aren't prepared to face in your early sobriety. However, is there a solution that doesn't throw the baby out with the bathwater, so to speak?

mayacatqueen

Yes, I am thinking the same thing, maybe go to different meetings and not see him for a while (or ever, ever will be better). I just feel like this AA thing is like so new, and I can not be safely around this man.

I feel like the whole feelings things is a threat to my sobriety and His (he has 9 years).

Deserto

Hi Maya,

If there are options to attend other meetings than I would strongly urge you to attend one of those.

You wrote: " I do not know if I will drink again if I do but I feel like I am in a rut and don't know what to do."

That sounds like a precarious place to be. You've done almost three months, which is awesome! What do you need to do to continue to build on that?

I don't go to AA but don't they say there, "Do the next right thing?" It seems to me the next right thing would be to try a different meeting. The next right thing would not be to give up on AA altogether, because it sounds as though it has been helpful to you, despite your growing feelings for this man.

Feelings and attractions come and go-- we're human and we can't help that-- but the important thing is what we do with them. You sound like a very self-aware person who is rightfully being protective of her sobriety. I hope you'll keep it up!

Best of luck to you and let us know how it turns out.

feralheart

If you like AA I would definitely not quit, but different meetings where you won't see him are a good idea. It's really good you recognized this right away. Do you have a sponsor you can talk to about this? Or a women's group?

mayacatqueen

I do have a sponsor. The women in my group are not really all that friendly ( my first sponsor was a woman, she only have 2 years and I feel like she still has a lot of anger inside and I just do not communicate well with her.)

My new sponsor is a man, and he knows. I talked to one of the other ladies today (I went to 2 meetings with her). I saw the guy on the first meeting and he was nothing but nice and sat by me.

Am I maybe replacing alcohol with these feelings? Is this my disease talking? I have not idea. I just feel overwhelmed in his presence. I always had a crush on him but he never really noticed me until recently.

I just feel like I need to go away from this group. And maybe go to the women group.

onlythetruth

Mayacatqueen:

It seems to me that you are thinking clearly on this issue. You are, in your own words, "overwhelmed" by this man's presence and you are feeling uncomfortable. This does not mean you need to walk away from something that is otherwise working for you, but it seems to me that it does mean you should do a few things differently. Women's meetings seem like a good option. Perhaps online meetings as well. If you're open to it, you might try doing a SMART Recovery ABC on the issue.

debsam

Hi Maya, please don't quit..and please don't pick up a drink. You're alive and sober and these feelings are going to happen life...deal with them sober...at least you'll have a fighting chance to answers...drinking will make EVERYTHING worse..I think you know that

Strongly suggest you try a women's meeting for now. Big Hug...you CAN do this.

BadCompany

This is normal (as far as anything we alcoholics do is normal). I often speak at treatment centers and am often the center of female attention that I am not comfortable with. It is a way our disease keeps us sick. A relationship makes for a good distraction from the difficulties of recovery.

If it is that much of a distraction you should think about changing meetings. It is good though that you see yourself getting off track and are scrambling to get back on.

mayacatqueen

Badcompany, i have never given this man any attention. Granted I feel attracted by him but have never chased him or try to show my feelings. He came up to me. He sits by me, he talks to me.

I am 100% sure he is a good man working a great program, but we are just human and we can not deny our flaws (if feelings are flaws, I do not know). I would never try to get a man to 'date me' or 'notice me' in AA. I do not want to be a distraction to his sobriety neither do not want him to be a distraction to mine.

I just not go to the rooms to look for a date. This is a matter of life or death for both of us. And that is one of the reasons why I am so sad about this.

sugarbear1

With 9 years, this man seems to be threatening your sobriety. My opinion. What step are you working on?

mayacatqueen

I just finished the first one. I do not believe he is a bad person, he has not asked me out or anything.

But sometimes you can not help to feel attracted to people. We are after all only human.

keithj

There is only one question in AA worth consideration. "What Step are you on?"

eJoshua

Congrats on 3 months!

As you said yourself, it sounds like you may be overreacting. It would seem to make sense to take some sort of action based on these emotions, if they are as strong as you say, but quitting AA is not the answer. That is a pretty extreme example of throwing out the baby with the bathwater.

Maybe a women's only meeting would be best for now so you can really focus on your sobriety and stepwork without the distraction of attraction.

Best wishes to you in your journey.

BadCompany

I didn't mean to imply you were handling it as poorly as some of the girls I run into do, you seem to be on top of things. Girl/boy stuff becomes brand new territory for us in some ways and it can be a bit difficult to navigate.

You're doing well. You saw the swamp before you walked in and are looking for help going around without getting stuck.

Itchy

Maya please read these two AA related articles that deal with your two issues.
The 13th Step: People Who Prey on Newcomers | The Fix

And read page 10 of this AA Q&A on choosing a sponsor and why they are best as same sex unless one is gay, in which case opposite sex is best for the same reasons:
http://www.aa.org/pdf/products/p-15_Q&AonSpon.pdf

I sure hope that you try some other meetings and consider a new sponsor as well since you are getting "feelings" too. Most folks advise a year of sobriety before getting involved in a relationship. If you intend to keep the same sponsor ask him what he intends to do about 13 stepping in your AA group. His answer, in my opinion only, will tell you if you need another sponsor of the same sex or not. I hope this helps.

mayacatqueen

I am trying to call my sponsor now. He is probably working but I definitively tell him about going to go to more women meetings. For a while.

I just feel like is also a responsibility to protect our sobriety and in doing so also we are protecting our fellows (from us, not like I am in perfect harmony with the Universe right now).

Since I got sober I have been seeing this lady (pretty BTW) and she got involved with another fellow (I actually saw them today) but she keeps relapsing. She has a kid in another state, and apparently you have to put your sobriety in front of everything, including her kid. But if you keep relapsing really you are not doing any progress. Or I do not think so. She had 3 months when I got in AA and now I have more time sober. And I am scared if I get distracted I will pick up again. A relationship just does not seem like a good idea now.

For what I have seen and for what transpires, early recovery is a roller-coaster of emotions from hell. LOL And yours truly is riding it right now.

mayacatqueen

I do not have feelings for my sponsor. Please read my first post on this thread

Threshold

I had a similar issue when I got into NA. I found myself wildly attracted to a man there. Fortunately, he was not attracted to me, and never gave me any attention or made an effort to be near me. But he was the one who handed out "chips" at this certain meeting I always went to. I wanted to receive my thirty day chip at my daily meeting, but I did NOT want to be hugged by that man. I felt like the silliest person, but at that point I did not need anything else to upset my apple cart.

Funny thing, at the last moments, someone called him out of the meeting and another ended up handing out chips and doing the hugging, so I went up and received mine.

We do what we have to do. I sometimes had to wait till nearly everyone was seated and then find a place far away from that man. Or sit where there would be no open seat on either side of me. Or wait in my car till a few women were out in front talking, then hang with them and sit with them.

There were no women's meetings where I lived, so I had to get creative in other ways. They were talking about starting one when I moved away. I think it's a really good idea.

Do stay cautious, no matter how nice he seems, and how well intended, as you stated people are people and we feel attraction, etc.

When I was still in active addiction, I met a man four years clean in the program. He was so nice, and spoke to me about the program, and how it had helped him, and the principles he lived by and his gratitude, etc etc etc. The relationship was soon off and running. I was still marrried and he had um at least TWO other girlfriends. I wasn't even in the program and I got 13th stepped!

As traumatic as that experience was, I admit that had he not spoken so often and highly of NA, I probably wouldn't have turned to the rooms for help. So...it worked out ok in the end.

omegasupreme

I wonder if a personal relationship with the Creator of those feelings, the Creator of that man, the Creator of you, could take you past this?