I'm loosing my best friend & Im going crazy

Old 10-16-2011, 11:16 AM
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I'm loosing my best friend & Im going crazy

Hi...well I guess I am running out of ideas so Ill give this a shot. For the past 2 years I have been on a roller coaster of a ride with my man who happens to have a severe alcohol problem. It wasnt until 6 months into the relationship that I realized how bad it really was. By then I had fallen in love and couldn't just walk away. I like many thought if he saw how happy he was with me and my daughter he would have the strength to quit. But the sad part is I dont think he wants to.When he wants to drink he will pick a fight with me over nothing and then dissapear out of my life for weeks. He has all the signs of a typical alocoholic he breaks dates, makes promises he cannot keep, lost his job is living in what I would consider a nasty home he lies and when hes drunk is border line insane. He has slowly gotten worse and worse. We have been broken up since June and Last month started to spend time with one another again since he for 3 weeks was sober. He is the most amazing man while sober I cannot believe what a difference He is mean and abusive (verbally) and doesn't care about anything when drinking. I know I cannot fix him. He is now dabbling with drugs and hanging out with people just like himself. I have had to completely remove myself from the picture. I wanted to try and be there for him no matter what I love him with all my heart but I can no longer take the abuse. I feel very quilty I am really afraid that he is going to die or hurt someone else. We partied a lot when we first met and when I did realize he had problems with it I pulled back and tried to encourage days without drinking but I guess I was a buzz kill. I cry everyday and feel like I am falling apart and he is out there going to parties and bbqs having relationships with other woman. I just want this to go away and I do not know how. I feel cheated out of something great I feel like this man was put into my life I was the happiest I had been in any relationship and now hes gone. He for some reason is angry at me and I get the feeling blames me for a lot of his pain. I am sorry this is so long. I cannot discuss this with anyone. Not one of my friends or family wants to hear anything about him. They all gave up hope on him a long time ago. So I feel very alone even though I know I am not. I have to let go its causing me so much stress I am just so worried about him its like I am addicted to him. Whats wrong with me. If anyone of my friends told me they were dealing with someone who treats them this way I would say get away from them, why on earth do I keep doing this to myself I keep going back over and over and its my fault I do what the heck is wrong with me...thanks for listening
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Old 10-16-2011, 11:24 AM
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Alanon can help you. You ARE addicted to him, just as he is addicted to alcohol. You cannot help him. He does not want to change. If he ends up killing himself with alcohol or drugs, then that's his choice. You can't do anything about it. How many times have you "stepped back" because of his actions and his treatment of you?

This man is not your best friend. You knew him all of six months before he showed his true colors. The man you fell in love with does not exist. What you are seeing now is what he is.

You have a daughter and she deserves better. You deserve to be with someone who treats you and your daughter with kindness all the time, not just when he's not drinking. He has absolutely nothing to offer you or your daughter except misery. Break away from him for good and attend alanon meetings to learn how to put yourself and your daughter first in your life.
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Old 10-16-2011, 11:43 AM
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Welcome, read the stickies at the top of this and the Family & Friends of Substance Forum, lots of information about addiction. Also, I agree with Suki, meetings will help.

It is not healthy for your child to be exposed to a toxic alcoholic, she should be your first
priorty.

This is a progressive disease that has no cure and now he is using drugs, the combination will continue to get worse, and, there is nothing you can do. He is an
adult and this is his problem, not yours.

Let him go, move forward with your life, nothing good will come out of this relationship, it is a dead end.

Keep posting, it will help.
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Old 10-16-2011, 12:12 PM
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this is a WONDERFUL place to which to turn!! you will find countless stories that sound *just* like your own, and tons of support. i am sorry you are hurting. try to move forward by taking everything a day at a time, and eventually, you will find your peace and reap the rewards of your courage and perseverance.
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Old 10-16-2011, 01:07 PM
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You may find al-anon helpful. You may also benefit from SMART Recovery's friends and family groups. More information here: http://www.smartrecovery.org/resourc...dsBrochure.pdf.
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Old 10-16-2011, 03:34 PM
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His exclusive relationship is with the bottle! Until an alcoholic decides to get help and stop drinking, there is absolutely nothing you can do or say that will stop his drinking. You deserve a man who is capable of participating in a relationship, because active alcoholics can't.
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Old 10-16-2011, 07:11 PM
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Originally Posted by Juliagoolia View Post
I cannot discuss this with anyone. Not one of my friends or family wants to hear anything about him. They all gave up hope on him a long time ago. So I feel very alone even though I know I am not. I have to let go its causing me so much stress I am just so worried about him its like I am addicted to him. Whats wrong with me. If anyone of my friends told me they were dealing with someone who treats them this way I would say get away from them, why on earth do I keep doing this to myself I keep going back over and over and its my fault I do what the heck is wrong with me...thanks for listening
I understand how you feel and what you are going thur. Stay strong you can do this.
What do your friends say when you address your feelings?
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Old 10-16-2011, 08:05 PM
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Julia -- I've been in your shoes and it took me FOUR years to get out of that mess. It was horrible and I almost lost myself forever. The only way that I was finally able to move forward was to go completely No Contact with him. Changed my numbers, changed my email addresses, everything! NO contact whatsoever. It was hard as hell but only for a short period--like 6 weeks maybe--then I started feeling the life coursing through my veins once again. The thing is, that if you keep the door open at all, you WILL find a reason to walk through it and start the whole horrible, confusing, nasty mess all over again. It's just like being a drug addict that allows just a *little* bit of cocaine to remain in the house. It never works.

Here's a poem that I stuck on my mirror and kept on my desk for MONTHS:

Life in 6 Chapters

I walk down the street...
there is a hole in the street.
I fall into the hole... but I do not know I am in it.
Finally I see the hole and try to get out.
It takes a long time to get out of the hole.

I walk down the same street..
the hole is still there... I see the hole.
I fall into the hole again.... but I recognize where I am,
and I want to be out of the hole.
It still takes a long time to get out of the hole.

I walk down the same street...
the hole is still there... I see the hole and
still fall into the hole again... it has become familiar..
But I have learned how to get out of the hole and..
Get out of the hole much quicker.

I walk down the same street...
the hole is always going to be there in this street.
I see the hole..... and recognize it.. and think fondly of it..
but I think I don't want to be in the hole again.
But I walk directly toward the hole and fall in again.
I get out immediately.

I walk down the same street...
the hole hasn't moved... I like the looks of the hole
Yet I remember I don't want to be in the hole...
I remember the feelings in the hole.. I veer away...
I walk around the hole and continue on my way.

I go for a walk.... I walk down a different street.

-- Unknown
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Old 10-16-2011, 08:45 PM
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Julia I'm very sorry that your going through this pain.. Your Story is so familiar to many of us here.... Alcoholics Cannot Love Anyone But Their Alcohol.
You and Your daughter deserve better than this.... I'm not saying this to hurt you but do you feel his worried about you and her while he is out what he thinks "having the time of his life" The answer is "No" Alcoholics are self-centered individuals. I left my ex 4 times before I finally left for good.... My best advice to you is to get involved with a hobby, spend more time with friends. go places and experience something new that you have never experienced but always wanted to. Trust Me He isn't worth your tears, now it's healthy to cry when you are letting go and it cleanses the soul. Be thankful for your new found freedom and start finding you again and that's when peace and happiness will start to follow. We are here for you. Cyber Hugs
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Old 10-16-2011, 08:47 PM
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I could relate to so much of your story. I just wanted to let you know you aren't alone. And wish you the best. Ultimately do whatever is best for you and for your daughter.
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Old 10-16-2011, 08:59 PM
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Originally Posted by Juliagoolia View Post
Hi...well I guess I am running out of ideas so Ill give this a shot. For the past 2 years I have been on a roller coaster of a ride with my man who happens to have a severe alcohol problem. It wasnt until 6 months into the relationship that I realized how bad it really was. By then I had fallen in love and couldn't just walk away. I like many thought if he saw how happy he was with me and my daughter he would have the strength to quit. But the sad part is I dont think he wants to.When he wants to drink he will pick a fight with me over nothing and then dissapear out of my life for weeks. He has all the signs of a typical alocoholic he breaks dates, makes promises he cannot keep, lost his job is living in what I would consider a nasty home he lies and when hes drunk is border line insane. He has slowly gotten worse and worse. We have been broken up since June and Last month started to spend time with one another again since he for 3 weeks was sober. He is the most amazing man while sober I cannot believe what a difference He is mean and abusive (verbally) and doesn't care about anything when drinking. I know I cannot fix him. He is now dabbling with drugs and hanging out with people just like himself. I have had to completely remove myself from the picture. I wanted to try and be there for him no matter what I love him with all my heart but I can no longer take the abuse. I feel very quilty I am really afraid that he is going to die or hurt someone else. We partied a lot when we first met and when I did realize he had problems with it I pulled back and tried to encourage days without drinking but I guess I was a buzz kill. I cry everyday and feel like I am falling apart and he is out there going to parties and bbqs having relationships with other woman. I just want this to go away and I do not know how. I feel cheated out of something great I feel like this man was put into my life I was the happiest I had been in any relationship and now hes gone. He for some reason is angry at me and I get the feeling blames me for a lot of his pain. I am sorry this is so long. I cannot discuss this with anyone. Not one of my friends or family wants to hear anything about him. They all gave up hope on him a long time ago. So I feel very alone even though I know I am not. I have to let go its causing me so much stress I am just so worried about him its like I am addicted to him. Whats wrong with me. If anyone of my friends told me they were dealing with someone who treats them this way I would say get away from them, why on earth do I keep doing this to myself I keep going back over and over and its my fault I do what the heck is wrong with me...thanks for listening
So sorry you are going through this. But, if he choses alcohol over you then it is not your fault. You didnt cause it..can't control and you can't cure it! But you can get yourself well and stop being co-dependant on him and his ways and his addiction and get your life back! I was same way for so long..until i read Co-dependant no more..and also Under the Influence. Both enlightening me to what i was doing and enabling him and his addiction. Get educated..get strong..pray and get a support group for you. He can't stop unless he is ready and gets help from a doctor..rehab and God Above!
Big hugs
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Old 10-17-2011, 03:14 PM
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Wow thank you everyone for your words It amazes that in this crazy world we are living there are good people who carewant to first and foremost make a quick statement. I was a teen mom and now my daughter is 15. This was the first serious yet unhealthy relationship I had in years. I do want you all to know that my daughter is my #1 shes my whole world. I made very sure that she never experienced any of his drunkeness most of that was done out or at his home. Now while I made sure to shelter her from that she knew what was going on simply by my sadness. But although he is destructive and can be very verbally and mentally abusive she never saw that from him. God willing. Now I must say I so am Co dependent. I can not grasp why on earth I 1. Love someone who is so destuctable and 2. Why I let this go on so long. This is a pattern in my life stemming from obvious alcoholic father to grandma and so on. Its very confusing because I have never had a man in my life who aside from his disease I had so much in common with. I have seen with my own eyes his struggle. I know I need to get far away. I am close with his whole family. In fact I attend church with his mother every Sunday. I have not texted or tried to call in 2 whole days which as silly as that may sound is an accomplishment. I am so sorry I keep writing so much, but honestly as I said before. My family wants him gone. My closest friends except for one wont even converse with me regarding him after I chose to go back. His family is in the same spot as I am but its uncomfortable talking about him to them. So I feel like I have to keep this all inside. I just want to get through the day where I dont even care what he is doing. I HATE that I care or even waste moments. Why would I let this happen so long I never in 100 million years would allow anyone to treat my daughter this way but I am the exception makes no sense. You are all amzaing and I thank you kindly for your responses.
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Old 10-17-2011, 03:15 PM
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I have printed that out and that bad boy is going on my mirror Thank You.
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Old 10-17-2011, 11:20 PM
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Julia you can write anytime you need it, I have written everything here and they haven't kicked me out yet LOL ! this is a safe place to share your true feelings, fears and there will always be someone who has gone through similar situations or is having the same questions ... there is true empathy and wisdom here.

2 days IS A HUGE ACCOMPLISHMENT, CONGRATULATIONS!

My pattern is also emotionally unavailable men, that is why I have been single for a little less than a year now ... I am starting to feel the huge emptiness in my heart, and its scary how much love & affection I lacked in life but now I am starting to take care of myself, the loneliness can be filled by our own love, compassion and hope, I am convinced of this. Mourning an active alcoholic was very hard, but I have been 3 years away now, 3 years of No contact and I have healed, there are wonderful things awaiting you and much to look forward to, much laughter, joy ... I did not believe this when I was hurt and felt betrayed but, it is true.. you WILL heal... one day at a time, one hour at a time. (BTW my XABF was also verbally abusive, that is how they start physical abuse, imagine if he had done something even worse to you or your daughter?? that would have been horrible, please stay away from this man!)

Hugs and let us know how you are doing.
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Old 10-17-2011, 11:50 PM
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Al-anon would be a great idea. you've got to stop worrying about what you can do for him and worry about what you can do for your daughter and yourself. You'll make great friends who understand you and your situation to a tee. You can not change this man...PERIOD! He looked like this great loving perfect guy when you fell in love, well let me tell you something. We alcoholics are very charming, we have to be to keep up our facade. I'll tell you something, while I was in a committed relationship I got a kick out of finding men that I could make fall in love with me to boost my ego. I was charming, funny and I would do anything to just get them to really love me, I would act like I wasn't a heavy drinker, then once they were truly falling for me I turned the tables on them and broke them. But the honest truth is, I didn't even know why I was doing it, at one point I was actually trying to maintain 3 relationships at once, that's insanity. Being anywhere near an active alcoholic is like standing in the path of a F5 tornado, You will be blown away and trying to change that person is like trying to blow the tornado in the opposite direction with your mouth, it's not going to work, I'm sorry that you're in pain, but it's time to stop being the victim and start being the advocate. To yourself and especially to your daughter. You wouldn't send your daughter outside to play in a tornado, so why would you invite one into your home. Please get to an al-anon meeting and get as many resources as possible. Best of luck to you, there is hope ahead of you, but it's in your hands to find it, it doesn't involve this man though and that's that.
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Old 10-18-2011, 09:51 PM
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Thank you, you are so not alone. I am going thru exactly the same emotions....it drives me crazy and. Swore if I could rid myself of the stress, crazy life....I wouldn't look back. I tried ending things last Friday....still having a hard time with not hearing from him. It's been almost 4 years and it gets worse. I wish you well because in truth....do we really wan this lifestyle? No! Easier said than done.
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