Noelh

My husband and I have a beautiful little 18 month old girl together. When I was 7 months pregnant with her, I found out that he had been abusing cough medicine and pain pills. We fought, we cried, and I thought he had stopped.

This past April, just after her first birthday, he broke down and told me that he had still been abusing drugs. Cough medicine, vicodin, and suboxune. He had even injected the suboxune. I was floored, sickened, shocked. But, mostly, sad. What does this mean for our family? For our little girl? I've always wanted her to have a better life than I did, and I'll do anything to make that happen.

After he broke down and told me, he went to rehab. Started going to NA. Seemed to be so sincerely into changing. Then, on mother's day, I caught him stealing Ativan from his sick father. It broke my heart. More fighting, more tears, and now a new sense of resignation entered my heart. He went to a few more NA meetings, seemed sincerely sorry.

Since then, he has seemed to be great. He's in college, he was promoted to manager at his work. He has seemed so happy. But, I can't regain my trust. Every once in a while, a small amount of money will disappear. I'll ask him about it, and he'll have a reasonable excuse, but I can't help but be afraid. Then, I'll see that he had the cell phone alone for a long period of time. I'll check online (I know, detective work is bad. ) and find out that he was deleting texts. Why? I'll be afraid again, because he used to delete texts when he was using, and it was because he was trying to find out where to get pills.

But, I have been trying my best to trust him. To not "sleuth." To let go, and know that if he really messes up, and relapses, that I will *know*. And that if he really wants to hide it from me, I will only make myself crazy trying to find out the truth. It has seemed like he was doing so well. But, today, I found a little clear, ridged plastic cap in the pocket of his work pants that looks exactly like the cap that covers the plunger of a syringe. Could this be anything else? Am I crazy?

He comes home from work in a few hours, and I don't know what to do. I've told myself that if he is using again, I have to leave. I can not put our daughter through this roller coaster. She deserves better. But, it is hard not to tell myself that I am over reacting, that the plastic cap could have come from something else. I know he is going to have excuses for where it came from, and why he had it. I am afraid, sad, and resigned. I have reached a point where I am just exhausted from trying. I don't want to fight about it when he gets home, but I just don't know what else to do. I can't even cry over his problems anymore. I just feel numb to it.

Sorry for this long story. I don't know if I'm looking for advice, or just a listening ear. Probably some of both. Thank you for reading.

I truly love him with all of my heart, and he has been a wonderful, loving father to our little girl. I don't want to believe that he is using again, but, where my trust is at right now, I don't know what else to think. I feel crazy.

Kindeyes

Welcome to SR.....you've found a great place for support.

You've shared a bit about the overall problem. Can you share with us a little bit about what you are doing for you? Are you going to meetings? Have you read any books that have helped you understand addiction and codependency?

We are very big on self care in this forum. I had to learn (the long hard way...and I'm a very slow learner) that I can't control the addicts in my life. I can only control me, my actions, my reactions, my thoughts, my emotions. Those are all things within my control.

I am an active student in the University of Me. Once I took the focus off what the addict was doing and started focusing on that which I can control, my life improved.

I hope you stick around. Share. Read. Vent. Question. We'll walk with you. You are not alone.

gentle hugs
ke

Noelh

Thank you. I have read, a lot. Mostly online, I've read stories, I've read articles. I've read books on what drugs actually do to the chemistry of the brain. In some ways it helps, in others it makes it more difficult.

I've been learning to love myself all over again. Learning to find value in myself other than being "wife" and "mother". Taking up hobbies, doing things that make me happy, so that I don't concentrate on all of the happiness that I am "losing" by going through this with him. I am realizing that I can think of myself as whole even if I think of myself without him. But, also realizing that, while knowing this, I can still love him and do my best to get through this with him.

I'm doing my best to let go, but it is hard to give up that feeling of control. Not so much for myself, but for my daughter. After everything I've been through in my life, I need to feel like I am giving her a stable and happy life, and every time that I have a fear over his addiction/recovery, it is a slap in the face that I may not be giving her the life I thought I was. I know this is a selfish way to look at his habits, but it is true.

I've stopped micromanaging money for the most part. I've stopped trying to sleuth. And that makes it even harder to come across something like this, when you are not even looking for it. I don't know how to handle today.

TMZ

Welcome Noelh,

I am sorry for your pain, sorry you have to deal with this disease.

Have you been to any nar anon meetings ? They helped me a lot to come to grips with it. You will find a lot of support and help here at SR as you will soon realize. It is a good place to let it out and get other points of views. Your not alone.

((( Noelh ))) Hugs
others will be along soon.

Noelh

Thank you. Right now, I have not gone to any groups. The idea of being in a large group of people like that really frightens me. Right now, I'm not comfortable with that. But, I am finally making the step to try to reach out online for help. I know that I can't continue to go through this alone, day after day. The loneliness of it turns even the "good" days into ones filled with anxiety.

ninja

Hugs and welcomes. You sound like you're on the right path to taking care of yourself and your child. Good for you - stay strong! A lot of us will get chills when we read your message because we've been exactly where you are and can feel it like a cold winter day. You're in exactly the right place for support. Keep posting and reading.

Noelh

I spoke to him on the telephone, and he knew that I was upset by my voice, so I told him what I found, as calmly as I could. He tried to tell me that the cap was something that he picked up off of the floor, and pocketed instead of throwing it away. I know better than that. I'm not even angry, just sad, because he can be so much better than this. And that he is lying to me about it immediately makes me think that he is just not ready to be better, to be a family.

I'm sad and scared, because he is our only source of income. But if worst came to worst, I know that I can care for our daughter and myself. I've been homeless in the past and found employment and a new home, picked myself up again. I know that I can do whatever I need to do, I can always take care of myself, and our daughter. It is just so hard to let go of the idea that I can care for him. I wish that he would just be honest with me. I have it in me to support him, to help him get the help that he needs. But I don't have it in me to live with being manipulated and lied to anymore.

Thanks for being here today. I've needed this sounding board. Even just writing these things out makes me feel better.

ninja

Lying and manipulation were the things that I couldn't handle either. There was just no way. I was strong and managed to deal with all the other bad stuff. After the lying and manipulation comes a feeling of lack of respect for the spouse which was also a killer. I had to let him go. I couldn't live with someone that I couldn't respect.

hopeful0323

Noelh,

Your story sounds so identical to mine. My raxbf and I also have a 18 month old daughter together. The caps, I am all too familar with. I founs them on my bathroom floor, in my car and the list goes on. If you are finding these, most likely he is using drugs unfortunately. Like you I was about 7-8 months pregnant with our daughter when he started using (found out for sure in past feb. that he was using heroine). it certainly has been a roller coaster ride over the last two years. Like you I was in a less than adequate financial situation when I decided to seperate from my BF three months ago. However, it was the best thing I could have done. My life is starting to get back on the right track and I'm feeling sane again. He is working on himself, but I am not worried about that. I have decided to focus on me and my girls for now. You are in my thoughts and prayers. Hugs

sTiLlhErE1986

My RAXBF is a heroin addict, so I know the feeling of finding caps and the immediate sadness/sinking feeling that you get in your stomach. The thing that made me so upset for so long was that he did not think I was worth the truth or thought I was stupid enough to believe his outlandish lies, it was insulting, but I put up with it for far too long. I started to question myself and believe the constant lies, I was in denial. Deep down we all want to believe our loved ones and want to be worth the truth. The way that I try to think about things now with my ex is if I get that "feeling" in my stomach or have the slightest idea that something seems wrong, it normally is. Our gut doesn't lie to us but our loved ones will, I don't believe they do it on purpose to hurt us, lying/manipulating is something that comes hand and hand with active addiction. Listen to your gut, you sound like a smart strong woman, do what you know you need to do to protect yourself and your child. Keep posting we are all here for you!

hello-kitty

Can you make a plan for yourself? Start putting away a few dollars here and there... an emergency fund that he has no access too. And reach out to some trusted friends or family members. Tell the truth. We are only as sick as our secrets.

Always be prepared! I always feel better when I am proactive rather than reactive to a negative situation.