Totally traumatized (Please Read)

Old 10-15-2011, 09:02 AM
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Totally traumatized (Please Read)

TSHHTF for our family

10 years ago i married the sweetest, gentlest person. Everything seemed fine for the first five years. Then I started noticing strange things, like beer cans hidden around the house, and my husband started acting strangely at times. When I confronted him about this years ago, he went to therapy and the beer cans started disappearing. I didn't really think he was an alcoholic, but I didn't like that he was hiding his drinking from me. Sometimes, when we were younger, he would binge drink, but it is a commonthing for people around here to do, and when I confronted him about it, he stopped! He did all the right things, went to therapy, stopped drinking entirely---or so I thought. I started noticing that he was acting drunk at times, but often couldn't smell it on his breath. He told me it was because he hadn't eaten for a while, so I thought he had a problem with Hypoglycemia. He went to the doctor and had blood work and everything!! He agreed to always have juice on hand in the car in case he had a hypoglycemia 'episode'. Recently, he had some juice in the car and when I tasted it it tasted like alcohol. He was so convincing that I was just being crazy and paranoid. For years I thought I was crazy and my mental health has been completely compromised as a result. The worst part- we have three gorgeous children that are caught in the middle of all the crap I knew something was up with the 'juice' incident, and I wanted to find out the truth, because I knew I wasn't going to get it from my AH. I needed the truth so I could protect my children from this horrible thing that had consumed my AH. I ordered a breathalizer and some alcohol test strips used by high school principals to check for the presence of alcohol in water bottles. I waited for them to come in the mail.....

Before they arrived my AH had a day off work. He dropped me off at work and my children off at school. He went home. Later on, when he picked me up at work, I noticed that he was acting strangely, and he had picked my daughter up from school. Part of me was in denial and thought he just needed some juice of something. I begged him to let me drive but he refused, and i didn't want to make a scene in front of my workplace, with my boss waving goodbye to me from the office window. So we drove. [I]t became increasingly apparent that he was not fit to drive, and I was terrified for the safety of our children. I begged him to pull over, and he did, but at that point we had driven on a highway with oncoming traffic while he swerved around within the lane. I called 911, with him trying to grab the phone from me the whole time. The police and ambulance came, and I still thought that he had hypoglycemia. He refused treatment from the paramedics, but confessed that he had been drinking to the police. They put hancuffs on him in front of our screaming crying children. I had to give a statement to the police, then I had to pick up our other child at my AH`s parent`s house. I told his parents everything. They hugged me and said that they would support our family in any way they could. I called my parents, they came to my house right away, and hugged me and said they would help me any way they could. My family has been so fantastic. My husband spent the night in jail, and was released this am. My children are so sad about their daddy. I am so sad and horrified about the extent of my husband`s disease. I can`t comprehend it. I only want to do what is best for my children right now, and they love their daddy very much despite this huge flaw. My husband took a cab home this morning and confessed to me all of the times that I suspected he was drinking I was right.

I don`t know what to do with this information. I am overwhelmed with so many crzy emotions. I feel sadness, greif, immense relief and a huge sense of loss. It is like my husband is two people, a good, kind, gentle, hardworking man, and a lying, desperate, alcoholic. He tells me he will never touch alcohol again. He tells me he is going to AA tomorrow and get a sponser. His license is being taken away, but I won`t let him drive with our children in the car for a long, long, time of impeccable sobriety. I won`t drive with him as the driver.
I will not leave him with our children by himself either.

I don`t know if I should stay and see what happens, or run far far away. I don`t know what to do for our family.

I am so proud of myself for calling the police. I probably saved my children`s lives. It was the hardest thing I have ever, ever done.

I am so releived that TSHHTF.

I am in shock. I am exhaused and grieving for my children, myself, and my husband.
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Old 10-15-2011, 09:24 AM
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(((Tears))) - so sorry for what you are going through but you are not alone. When I first got here (I'm a recovering addict and recovering codependent) I read a ton of posts by others and realized we have a lot in common.

I know you are feeling overwhelmed right now. Maybe take some deep breaths, do something with the kids? He's not going to change anything until he is ready. I'm sure others will be along with their ES&H (experience, strength, and hope) soon, though it is a little slower on weekends.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy
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Old 10-15-2011, 09:27 AM
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I am also totally devastated. This is literally the worst thing that has ever happened to me. I am embarassed, humiliated a feel like I have failed as a parent to provide for my children a safe and happy childhood. My parents have them while my husband and I try to sort things out. But how do you sort things like this out...
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Old 10-15-2011, 09:35 AM
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You did right to call the police.

When I found out for 100% sure that my AH had a problem it was such a shock, even though I had had suspicions for such a long time. I felt kicked in the stomach and numb. I went through our life together retroactively with my new eyes and so many things suddenly made sense and I realized my former memories were not reality. And then there is the future. Now it was going to be different that what I had anticipated, whether I stayed or left. And I was angry, at him for bringing this to our marriage, at me for missing the now obvious signs.

Just breathe and let this all digest and take advantage of the support of your parents and his parents. You don't have to make any decisions, big or small immediately, or even this week (other than the driving and child minding ones you have already made - and good for you on them).

Get comfortable and read and read and I sought out Alanon. It is for family and friends and it is a good source of support from people who have been there and done that. At first I would think "what am I doing here?". They recommend that you go to 6 meetings at a couple of different groups before you decide if it is for you. It took me all 6 meetings to realize how helpful it would be.

Please know you did not cause this, you cannot cure it and you cannot control it. It is his to deal with. And please know that it is rare that the alcoholic can find sobriety and recovery (2 different things) on the very first try. Although he may honestly believe it when he is telling you he is quitting it for good, he may not be prepared for how truly difficult it is and he will probably lie about it if/when he relapses.

And please don't think "if he loved me/us...." If love could cure this, there would be no reason for this Site! It is full of people who loved their alcoholics.

Keep reading and posting and be extra nice to yourself and your kids.

This is not for sissies, but you've already shown you've got what it takes to get through this.

p.s You haven't failed your kids, but yes, things are different now. You'll manage fine as long as you keep them foremost in your plans.
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Old 10-15-2011, 09:50 AM
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Welcome, tears. So sorry for the rough time you've had.

My sweet, kind, smart, accomplished alcoholic husband downplayed his drinking so well and for a long time. I've been worried for 7 years, scared for 2, but only this year when I really went with eyes open and determined the extent of his secret did I know we were up $hit creek. From there it all fell apart very quickly. I asked him to leave 6 months ago. We have four children and 16 years of marriage at stake. He is still drinking.

You didn't CAUSE it, you can't CONTROL it, you can't CURE it. Once I had those principles in my head, it really helped me to back away. There is NOTHING I can do for my husband. There is EVERYTHING I can do for myself and our kids.

Now is the time for you to educate yourself. Read the stickies at the top of this forum. Read other posts. You will see that your story is almost like a script that other actors have been following, too. Find a local Al Anon meeting. Keep posting here on SR.

Good books: "Under The Influence" by Milam and "Codependent No More" by Beatty. Get them. Read them. Hugs to you. We are here for you and know what you are going through!
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Old 10-15-2011, 09:53 AM
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Welcome, tears.

I'm so sorry this is happening but you've found a wonderful place to come to, here at SR. I found that my story was/is completely understood here, that I wasn't/am not losing my mind.

I think the most painful part of my story has been letting go of the fantasy of the "happy family." But what I can tell you is that after being in Alanon for 2 years I am happier now than I've ever been in my life, and my children are thriving. They go to Alateen, by the way, and have learned so much. I highly recommend it.

You're being a great Mom. All the rest will unfold, one day at a time...

Hugs,
posie
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Old 10-15-2011, 09:57 AM
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Originally Posted by tearsofaclown View Post
I am also totally devastated. This is literally the worst thing that has ever happened to me. I am embarassed, humiliated a feel like I have failed as a parent to provide for my children a safe and happy childhood. My parents have them while my husband and I try to sort things out. But how do you sort things like this out...
Many of us here completely understand these feelings. It is normal to have a reaction like this when we finally break through our own denial and face what our reality really is. I can't suggest Al-Anon highly enough. Best to find the tools to help you through your trauma, and you'll find great ones there, surrounded by people who have been in your shoes (and who probably still are).

I still struggle with the sense of failing my kids, but when I step back and look at the big picture objectively, I didn't fail. I did the best I could with the information I had, and I succeeded by making the hard choices when faced with them.

Tap all the resources you can manage...therapy with an addictions specialist, AL-Anon, books about alcoholism, etc. Education is empowering. Keep reading here, and read posts in the alcoholism forum as well. I find their topics most enlightening and comforting.

Keep coming back, and take good care,
~T
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Old 10-15-2011, 10:15 AM
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It really seems like the ‘stuff’ has fit the fan quite quickly. I’m sorry you are going through this. Your husband’s alcoholism is progressing. I hope he decides to make changes for himself soon. He can ONLY be the one to decide to make that change, however. I wish I had all the answers for you as to what to do. Take a step back. Breathe. Get yourself in a more calm place, and then maybe the answers will come. What is your intuition telling you to do? When we are in a frantic state of mind we tend to not listen to the little voice inside.

Through my experience with my AH I felt that education was the key to my sanity. I researched everything. I read, and continue to read, about alcoholism, its progression, and codependency. My advice would be for you to do the same. Seek a local Al-Anon meeting to help sort out the thoughts and emotions. Visit with a counselor. Has your husband omitted to his alcoholism? Is he truly ready to change without a push from you? Remember that you cannot change him, or force him to do something that he is not ready or not willing to do. Be honest with yourself and develop healthy boundaries for you and your kids.

Keep posting here. We are here for you.
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Old 10-15-2011, 10:18 AM
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Thamk you all so much. I live in a meighborhood where everyone seems like they have the most perfect life. I hate how imperfect everything is in our life.
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Old 10-15-2011, 10:24 AM
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My husband has admitted he is an alcohloc, and he has told me about how often he really has been drinking. He has lied a lot, but I am fairly certain he is being honest, because he is painting a very ugly picture for me about his alcoholism. Sadly, he went to his first AA meeting all on his own, and the very next day he was in jail with a DUI. UGH. This is so crappy.
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Old 10-15-2011, 10:52 AM
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the 3C's of AL ANON
u did not CAUSE this
u can not CONTROL it
u can not CURE this

find many AL ANON groups as you can for you and your extended family

AL ANON has so much wisdom in those four walls....please, find one and all of you go...its open for anyone

prayers are send out to you today...
god bless
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Old 10-15-2011, 12:30 PM
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You're in shock - your world has been rocked to its core. You have a lot of support and it isn't your fault - you didn't Cause it. Do your best to let the shame and guilt go because it isn't something you can Control. Calling 9-1-1 is the best thing you could have done.

I was watching OWN and Suze Orman was on. She said, "Like they tell you on the airplane, as a mom, you have to put the oxygen mask on yourself first and then your children, because if you stop breathing, what happens to them?"

They didn't only witness their father putting the family in harm's way - they also witnessed you, getting the family - including their father - to safety.

breathe.
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Old 10-15-2011, 01:37 PM
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tears,

I am so sorry that you are going through this but glad that you have found this place. It and AlAnon saved my life.

Much of what you wrote sounded like I could have written it. I went with my XAH to have a CT scan of his brain because he was acting weird. We sat together and talked to the doctor. I was just so terribly naive that I did not think someone who I loved so much would blatantly lie to me like he had done so many times. I bought a cheap breathalizer and he still denied being drunk. So I then bought an expensive one like the state troopers use. $1000 later I realized that I had been lied to over and over. It was the best money I ever spent. Everything begin to make sense. He went through rehab three times. When I had only one small thread of sanity left I divorced him. It was one of the hardest things I have ever done but there was no other alternative. He's had a series of bad things happen since then.

I have learned that all I can control is myself. Now that you realize what you are dealing with you will be able to make better decisions. Give yourself time. You are now protecting yourself and your children. That is a huge step in the right direction.

Hugs to you.
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Old 10-15-2011, 02:46 PM
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They didn't only witness their father putting the family in harm's way - they also witnessed you, getting the family - including their father - to safety.

breathe.
This is beautiful Meredith.

Tears,
Keep this in mind in the months ahead. You must protect yourself and your children. Your husband is very ill. He needs professional help.
Get some help for yourself too, you have been very badly traumatized.

That call may be the first step in getting yourself back.

Beth
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Old 10-15-2011, 05:05 PM
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I have ZERO regrets in calling the police. I even filed a report and agreed to testify against him if necessary. I am proud of that. But he pled guilty. So I won`t have t testify.

I just feel so sad. I don`t know what I am supposed to do. Should I kick him outÉ He endangered the lives of our children not just this once but many times in the past, if I am to believe what he is telling me. My question mark isn`t working and I don`t know how to fix it either! LOL!

I want to go to AL-Anon, but my children are quite young and I don`t want to leave them alone with my husband right now. I also don`t have money for a therapist right now, but I will in january. I want to put my children in therapy more than anything. How do we get through this...

I feel like I am weak for not kicking him out. I want a hug from him because he comforts me, but he is the source of my great distress. I feel like everyone in the world knows this terrible secret about my family. I feel so ashamed. I just want to crawl under a rock. I am dreading facing my coworkers on Monday, because usually I am so honest about my life, but now I feel like I have this big, dark, secret and someone is going to take my children away from me because I am allowing this man to continue to live with us.
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Old 10-15-2011, 05:09 PM
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Thamk you all so much. I live in a meighborhood where everyone seems like they have the most perfect life. I hate how imperfect everything is in our life.

Every family has something going on. You just don't know what it is (yet).

This is where Alanon really helps to realize YOU ARE NOT ALONE.

Thinking of you and your family.
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Old 10-15-2011, 06:26 PM
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Everything is on schedule. Some areas have childcare for meetings. AA will also have people to give him rides to his meetings. Breathe. This is part of HP's plan.
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Old 10-16-2011, 02:43 AM
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You're doing great. I can only echo what others are saying above. It's nice that your/his parents are being supportive.

By the way, regarding co-workers and neighbours, it's really none of their business. It's a sad fact that in times of crisis the gossip-hounds come out and you'll find some people being weird and intrusive. If someone is a supportive friend, then sure, tell them what's up if you want. But if someone's trolling for gossip and comes to you with intrusive questions, just smile and say, "Thanks for your concern," and change the subject. Example: nosy co-worker says, "We heard on the police scanner that blah blah blah..." You say, "Thanks for your concern Ms. Parker, you're so sweet. But right now I've got to talk with you about that database changeover..."
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Old 10-16-2011, 06:40 AM
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Thank you Tearsofaclown for posting this. I think all of us will have found your story painful to read and heartening at the same time. Painful because we have all suffered the awful deceit that goes with drinking, how could they be two people, why wouldn't they share the problem with us and ask for our support. One of the most painful things for me to accept is that my partner could do this to our children, innocents who deserve nothing but the best we can give them for a start in life, so I can definately feel with you there. My two daughters have witnessed some ugly scenes, but thankfully they are both very emotionally mature and stable, and I have always tried to be honest and open with them. I thought things had been ok for a couple of weeks and was beginning to relax into a normal routine, when R came home Friday my youngest daughter (17) said she thought she could smell Vodka, sure enough what I thought was a half empty bottle of Evian, was actually Vodka.
I know Al Anon teaches to detach and not go looking for stuff, but on this occasion it was poured away. It just teaches me that until R seeks help there's nothing much I can do-but I have managed to protect my children, which is what you are doing, and you also have to take great care of youself.
Wishing the best for you-Andy
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Old 10-16-2011, 07:09 AM
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I live in a town where everyone appears to have it together and I thought that I had to keep up the facade too. I have 2 young kids and can relate far too well to your initial post. The more I've opened up and been honest about what I've lived with all these years, the more I find that a LOT of people around me are hiding very similar lives.

It's hard for me to make a lot of al anon mtgs for the same reasons you list and I've found that this site is invaluable.

I have also found that in the immediate aftermath of a horrible situation (like your H's arrest- mine has been arrested too) my H is all about honesty, apologies, promises etc... And I believe he means it at the time bc he is scared out of his mind. But bear in mind as you talk with him and try to decide where you want to go from here, that in a few weeks, when the fear and recollection of how awful he felt getting arrested has passed, he may and very likely will, go right back to the old behaviors. I could not and did not want to believe this about my stbxah for a looonnnnnng time. It took a lot of pain, a lot of guilt about what I subjected my kids to (they are 6 and 3- two girls) before I accepted it. We are now separated and it's been the best thing for the girls and I.

Thinking of you and sending you lots of support.
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