scared and unsure
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 235
scared and unsure
First post. Know I need to talk but so lost and confused. I have been married to my alcoholic husband 11 years and together 17. We met young and it was all fun then. I was in college, graduated and have a great job. He just never really stopped partying. He is in the golf field and was always in the lifestyle. Both of his parents are alcoholics. After our first son, he also started at a golf course and he helped run the bar. He came home later and drunker. He then left that job because I was going leave him and did start a better one but it was 3 hours a way and we were separated part of the week. So, he started drinking more and I got my Master's degree. Then, he decided wanted to ome home walked out of job. Miracle found a decent job 3 months later. Child number 2 put both of us over the edge. he passed away at 3 months from a cyst in his lung. he drank, I got more college credits and focused on son number 1. We then had baby #3. During this all he works10 to 12 hours and then comes home and drinks. Kids barely ave time with him but love him. He has promised to quit many times.
Now for the issue at hand. The major problems started end of 2009. I hrtmy back and he got addicted to my vicodin. filled a refill I didn't need because I started shots in my back and the perscription was gone before I even say the bottle. Quit cold turkey and wasn't going to drink but the drink consumed him. By August 2010 he was unbearable! Blamed his job and walked out. He was so mean to me I snapped, kicked him out, and he left. I final filed for divorce in Oct. and he checked himself into rehab for two weeks in Dec. We got back together and tried again, Beginning was very good. He was in AA, getting a new job andseemed better. Gradually over the next few months he began drinking NA beer, getting stomach pains again, and just being mean. I can not have a discussion without being called controling, selfish, and any other name that he thinks will hurt me. Twice he was home late and I said can you tell me next time or guess I will have to take kids on my errands and he snapped you dont have to know where I am at every second. Finally, I had enough and said I am done. Everyone told me I would know when I had enough and I did. I am filing for divorce and feel like such a failure.
BIG QUESTION: Is he drinking? He drinks NA so much I can't tell. Mykids love him and it would destroy him if I went for every other weekend but attorney says we need to start there because he could be drinking and he is starting to treat my oldest son like he treats me. I know he did this but why am I feeling bad, lonely and sad. There is no going back. He hates me before I filed and since. Has blamed me for years. Why am I the one still hurting! He is probably out doing what ever. In a week only called to see kids once.
Now for the issue at hand. The major problems started end of 2009. I hrtmy back and he got addicted to my vicodin. filled a refill I didn't need because I started shots in my back and the perscription was gone before I even say the bottle. Quit cold turkey and wasn't going to drink but the drink consumed him. By August 2010 he was unbearable! Blamed his job and walked out. He was so mean to me I snapped, kicked him out, and he left. I final filed for divorce in Oct. and he checked himself into rehab for two weeks in Dec. We got back together and tried again, Beginning was very good. He was in AA, getting a new job andseemed better. Gradually over the next few months he began drinking NA beer, getting stomach pains again, and just being mean. I can not have a discussion without being called controling, selfish, and any other name that he thinks will hurt me. Twice he was home late and I said can you tell me next time or guess I will have to take kids on my errands and he snapped you dont have to know where I am at every second. Finally, I had enough and said I am done. Everyone told me I would know when I had enough and I did. I am filing for divorce and feel like such a failure.
BIG QUESTION: Is he drinking? He drinks NA so much I can't tell. Mykids love him and it would destroy him if I went for every other weekend but attorney says we need to start there because he could be drinking and he is starting to treat my oldest son like he treats me. I know he did this but why am I feeling bad, lonely and sad. There is no going back. He hates me before I filed and since. Has blamed me for years. Why am I the one still hurting! He is probably out doing what ever. In a week only called to see kids once.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: INDIANA
Posts: 39
brownhorse,
You should not feel like a failure. You are not responsible in any way for another persons drinking. You did not CAUSE it, can't Control it and Can not Cure it.
Have you ever attended Alanon meetings? So far it is the only thing I have found that has helped me. Alanon is for you, not for the alcholic.If you have not I highly suggest you try it.
You should not feel like a failure. You are not responsible in any way for another persons drinking. You did not CAUSE it, can't Control it and Can not Cure it.
Have you ever attended Alanon meetings? So far it is the only thing I have found that has helped me. Alanon is for you, not for the alcholic.If you have not I highly suggest you try it.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: california
Posts: 44
not your fault
Originally Posted by brownhorse 
First post. Know I need to talk but so lost and confused. I have been married to my alcoholic husband 11 years and together 17. We met young and it was all fun then. I was in college, graduated and have a great job. He just never really stopped partying. He is in the golf field and was always in the lifestyle. Both of his parents are alcoholics. After our first son, he also started at a golf course and he helped run the bar. He came home later and drunker. He then left that job because I was going leave him and did start a better one but it was 3 hours a way and we were separated part of the week. So, he started drinking more and I got my Master's degree. Then, he decided wanted to ome home walked out of job. Miracle found a decent job 3 months later. Child number 2 put both of us over the edge. he passed away at 3 months from a cyst in his lung. he drank, I got more college credits and focused on son number 1. We then had baby #3. During this all he works10 to 12 hours and then comes home and drinks. Kids barely ave time with him but love him. He has promised to quit many times.
Now for the issue at hand. The major problems started end of 2009. I hrtmy back and he got addicted to my vicodin. filled a refill I didn't need because I started shots in my back and the perscription was gone before I even say the bottle. Quit cold turkey and wasn't going to drink but the drink consumed him. By August 2010 he was unbearable! Blamed his job and walked out. He was so mean to me I snapped, kicked him out, and he left. I final filed for divorce in Oct. and he checked himself into rehab for two weeks in Dec. We got back together and tried again, Beginning was very good. He was in AA, getting a new job andseemed better. Gradually over the next few months he began drinking NA beer, getting stomach pains again, and just being mean. I can not have a discussion without being called controling, selfish, and any other name that he thinks will hurt me. Twice he was home late and I said can you tell me next time or guess I will have to take kids on my errands and he snapped you dont have to know where I am at every second. Finally, I had enough and said I am done. Everyone told me I would know when I had enough and I did. I am filing for divorce and feel like such a failure.
BIG QUESTION: Is he drinking? He drinks NA so much I can't tell. Mykids love him and it would destroy him if I went for every other weekend but attorney says we need to start there because he could be drinking and he is starting to treat my oldest son like he treats me. I know he did this but why am I feeling bad, lonely and sad. There is no going back. He hates me before I filed and since. Has blamed me for years. Why am I the one still hurting! He is probably out doing what ever. In a week only called to see kids once.
Now for the issue at hand. The major problems started end of 2009. I hrtmy back and he got addicted to my vicodin. filled a refill I didn't need because I started shots in my back and the perscription was gone before I even say the bottle. Quit cold turkey and wasn't going to drink but the drink consumed him. By August 2010 he was unbearable! Blamed his job and walked out. He was so mean to me I snapped, kicked him out, and he left. I final filed for divorce in Oct. and he checked himself into rehab for two weeks in Dec. We got back together and tried again, Beginning was very good. He was in AA, getting a new job andseemed better. Gradually over the next few months he began drinking NA beer, getting stomach pains again, and just being mean. I can not have a discussion without being called controling, selfish, and any other name that he thinks will hurt me. Twice he was home late and I said can you tell me next time or guess I will have to take kids on my errands and he snapped you dont have to know where I am at every second. Finally, I had enough and said I am done. Everyone told me I would know when I had enough and I did. I am filing for divorce and feel like such a failure.
BIG QUESTION: Is he drinking? He drinks NA so much I can't tell. Mykids love him and it would destroy him if I went for every other weekend but attorney says we need to start there because he could be drinking and he is starting to treat my oldest son like he treats me. I know he did this but why am I feeling bad, lonely and sad. There is no going back. He hates me before I filed and since. Has blamed me for years. Why am I the one still hurting! He is probably out doing what ever. In a week only called to see kids once.
It is not your fault..you didn't cause it..can't control it and can't cure it. He is the only one with the help of AA and God that can get sober. So take care of you ..get support and help from family..friends and maybe something like Alanon. My heart goes out to you and your children. But this too shall pass and you can really start living a normal and happy life that you deserve
hugs..and hang in there! His only love is alcohol until he wants to change.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 437
Yes, keep moving
Don't back off, dont back down and whatever you do, get to alanon. And you must know that most alcoholics wont quit until they loose something BIG. As mean as he is to you, family is HUGE. Sometimes loosing that is enough. But not if you back down.Be strong! God will help,just ask.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: California
Posts: 693
Hi Brownhorse,
Whether or not he's drinking, how much he's drinking....well, you know you'll never really know. It almost doesn't matter. He drinks and it's a problem. End of story.
My AH and I separated 6 months ago, and the "how much/often is he drinking?" has been a constant question for me since he started having our four kids (mostly teens) for overnights at his apartment 1-2 nights/week. AH is a very functional alcoholic and does not appear drunk; he hides his drinking well. Well, guess what? Kids came home 2 weeks ago and reported Dad had spiked his iced tea in the evening, the car smelled like booze the next morning (spilled flask), and at a baseball game he took my 10 year old to, he drank 2 beers, 1 margarita, then drove home and drank a couple more beers. I told him that he could not have any more overnights, that he had to visit the kids at our house. He was really mad, but surprisingly he did not fight it, which tells me the drinking is probably far worse than I even know.
The least amount of time your kids spend with a drinking parent, the better. You can always increase the contact, but it's very hard to decrease. Go with as little as you possibly can. Don't back down. Let him really feel the consequences of his drinking.
Whether or not he's drinking, how much he's drinking....well, you know you'll never really know. It almost doesn't matter. He drinks and it's a problem. End of story.
My AH and I separated 6 months ago, and the "how much/often is he drinking?" has been a constant question for me since he started having our four kids (mostly teens) for overnights at his apartment 1-2 nights/week. AH is a very functional alcoholic and does not appear drunk; he hides his drinking well. Well, guess what? Kids came home 2 weeks ago and reported Dad had spiked his iced tea in the evening, the car smelled like booze the next morning (spilled flask), and at a baseball game he took my 10 year old to, he drank 2 beers, 1 margarita, then drove home and drank a couple more beers. I told him that he could not have any more overnights, that he had to visit the kids at our house. He was really mad, but surprisingly he did not fight it, which tells me the drinking is probably far worse than I even know.
The least amount of time your kids spend with a drinking parent, the better. You can always increase the contact, but it's very hard to decrease. Go with as little as you possibly can. Don't back down. Let him really feel the consequences of his drinking.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 235
thanks
it really helps to hear from other people. I left him last year and it took me filing for divorce for him to check himself into rehab. He was nice for a while but gradually got worse. He is so mad at me and says I am so selfish and controlling.
I am not going back with him but feel so bad for my kid. They just want a dad. I am going for as little as possible and making him prove he is sober. He has starting treating my oldest son like he treats me.
Sometimes, I so just feel so guilty. I know I need to go to ALAnon but with two young kids and little support it is hard to find a sitter. I keep hearing this is a disease and if he had cancer and quit treatment I would not leave him. He is so bitter and unreasonable to me even my lawyer thinks he is a piece of work!
I am not going back with him but feel so bad for my kid. They just want a dad. I am going for as little as possible and making him prove he is sober. He has starting treating my oldest son like he treats me.
Sometimes, I so just feel so guilty. I know I need to go to ALAnon but with two young kids and little support it is hard to find a sitter. I keep hearing this is a disease and if he had cancer and quit treatment I would not leave him. He is so bitter and unreasonable to me even my lawyer thinks he is a piece of work!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 588
I keep hearing this is a disease and if he had cancer and quit treatment I would not leave him.
Comparing alcoholism to cancer will mess with your head. They are not comparable.
Keep reading here about alcoholism both in the stickies and in the threads, you will see lots of good information. Check out the stickies about abuse (even if he's never laid a hand on you), about how he behaves badly and yet it is you that feels guilty.
He's bitter and unreasonable and being mean to you, and now your oldest son. Please look after you and your kids and stay safe.
He can find his way to treatment, if he chooses.
Sending kind thoughts your way.
Comparing alcoholism to cancer will mess with your head. They are not comparable.
Keep reading here about alcoholism both in the stickies and in the threads, you will see lots of good information. Check out the stickies about abuse (even if he's never laid a hand on you), about how he behaves badly and yet it is you that feels guilty.
He's bitter and unreasonable and being mean to you, and now your oldest son. Please look after you and your kids and stay safe.
He can find his way to treatment, if he chooses.
Sending kind thoughts your way.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 235
tired
I am so sick and tired of crying. He tells me I asked for this divorce. No what I asked for was to have a husband that was there when I needed him and didn't call me names. I asked for someone to go to rehab and keep working on himself. Not tell me I am selfish and a b****. He has had 5 jobs. An addiciton to alcohol and vicodin. He stopped going to AA and getting help. I didn't ask for this life. He told me today that he is the one taking the hard road because he thinks paying for his truck payment is the high road. Forget that he is working because I pay for daycare. He also thinks I am not being fair to his family because I won't let my kids stay with his mother. She is so addicted to xanax sh literally had seizures last weekend. There are burn holes in her comforter. They sit around drink all day. If I agreed to let kids stay there I think a judge would take them from both of us! Why can't he think like a normal person.
Tomorrow or Tuesday he is going to find out I am asking for full custody. He gets every other weekend if he is sober. He is going to be so mad at me! An still I feel terrible. Why can't he stop? I want my kids to have a dad.
Tomorrow or Tuesday he is going to find out I am asking for full custody. He gets every other weekend if he is sober. He is going to be so mad at me! An still I feel terrible. Why can't he stop? I want my kids to have a dad.
Skipper
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: South Texas, USA
Posts: 827
Hi, Brown.
You do have a lot going on. Your story is familiar to so many of us. So, WELCOME. Sit back, (try to) relax, and read some of the permanent posts above. We call them "Stickies".
I am a single mom. Getting to Al-anon meetings with so little time and money seems a challenge at first. You may be surprised at the options available once you go to your first meeting. Not all of them are listed in my town, but when I went to my first one, I got all sorts of choices from there. Several communities offer them with child care or at different times of the day that you may be able to attend.
I do encourage you to seek out the face-to-face support that has been so helpful to many of us here.
No, you did not ask for any of this. You're 100% right. Now that it's here, you will find ways to not only cope but to shine. I'm one year and a few days into my recovery, and I am finding more and more happy days as they come.
The disease of alcoholism cannot be compared to cancer. Just like cancer cannot be compared to kidney disease. And kidney disease cannot be compared to heart disease. Heart disease certainly cannot be compared to diabetes. Each one of these is serious, and each one requires specialized care. With alcoholism, the key is that the person primarily afflicted is responsible for that first step of care. Your primary affliction is the by-product of someone else's drinking, so your responsibility is to you (and your children, of course).
What you might be able to compare alcoholism to is something like chronic chicken pox. The whole family gets it. Either you can sit around and have the spots and the itching along with the one primarily afflicted, or you can get yourself better while they work on their own spots. Once everyone is mostly spot-free, the chances of getting again are there, but the chances of healing begins. If you sit around it, the itching and the spots just get worse until the pox kills everyone in the family, one by one.
We are here to share our ESH. I do hope you find what works in these pages. I did!
You do have a lot going on. Your story is familiar to so many of us. So, WELCOME. Sit back, (try to) relax, and read some of the permanent posts above. We call them "Stickies".
I am a single mom. Getting to Al-anon meetings with so little time and money seems a challenge at first. You may be surprised at the options available once you go to your first meeting. Not all of them are listed in my town, but when I went to my first one, I got all sorts of choices from there. Several communities offer them with child care or at different times of the day that you may be able to attend.
I do encourage you to seek out the face-to-face support that has been so helpful to many of us here.
No, you did not ask for any of this. You're 100% right. Now that it's here, you will find ways to not only cope but to shine. I'm one year and a few days into my recovery, and I am finding more and more happy days as they come.
The disease of alcoholism cannot be compared to cancer. Just like cancer cannot be compared to kidney disease. And kidney disease cannot be compared to heart disease. Heart disease certainly cannot be compared to diabetes. Each one of these is serious, and each one requires specialized care. With alcoholism, the key is that the person primarily afflicted is responsible for that first step of care. Your primary affliction is the by-product of someone else's drinking, so your responsibility is to you (and your children, of course).
What you might be able to compare alcoholism to is something like chronic chicken pox. The whole family gets it. Either you can sit around and have the spots and the itching along with the one primarily afflicted, or you can get yourself better while they work on their own spots. Once everyone is mostly spot-free, the chances of getting again are there, but the chances of healing begins. If you sit around it, the itching and the spots just get worse until the pox kills everyone in the family, one by one.
We are here to share our ESH. I do hope you find what works in these pages. I did!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 235
playing games
Never filed because my lawyer talked to his and they were going to. Seriously! AH wants joint custody! Take my kids to live with his daddy. Another Alcoholic. THEN, they didn't file so I am tomorrow morning. My lawyer said it didn't matter would just save me money if he filed. I am so scared I won't have the courage when it comes down to it. I have to make him prove he is ready to have the kids, I am documenting everything. This will happen.
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
Welcome, right now, fear is your enemy. Fear will cause you to give up B/4 you even begin.
Fear keeps us trapped. Here is an acronym for FEAR:
F antasy
E xpectations
A ppearing
R eal
Fear takes an unsupported premise about impending doom.
Children would rather live in a one parent home than a two parent home affected by addiction and turmoil. Keep your children as your priorty, you are their voice, speak clearly
and truthfully in their behalf.
You have come this far, you can continue walking down the path to happiness and peace.
We are here for you!
Fear keeps us trapped. Here is an acronym for FEAR:
F antasy
E xpectations
A ppearing
R eal
Fear takes an unsupported premise about impending doom.
Children would rather live in a one parent home than a two parent home affected by addiction and turmoil. Keep your children as your priorty, you are their voice, speak clearly
and truthfully in their behalf.
You have come this far, you can continue walking down the path to happiness and peace.
We are here for you!
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Hi and a belated welcome to the Family!
I hope you will make yourself at home by reading and posting as much as needed. We understand and we are here to support you.
I have experience with divorce. I have experience with divorcing an alcoholic. This is what I have learned: Active alcoholics will say they want x,y,z. They will say that they are going to contest everything you request.
The reality is usually this: They are being bullies. They are trying to force you to back down.
It has been my experience with two ex husbands (and child from each marriage) that they will not uphold a rigorous visitation schedule. Without the sober, responsible parent in attendance; they are too frustrated to pull off every other weekend. They soon fade off into other activities that revolve around alcohol - AND I let them!
Talk to your lawyer and listen to what is recommended. Your lawyer knows what judges in your courts will and will not allow. Also, I recommend you follow your gut. Listen to your maternal instincts and do what is best for your children.
Sending you hugs and support!
I hope you will make yourself at home by reading and posting as much as needed. We understand and we are here to support you.
I have experience with divorce. I have experience with divorcing an alcoholic. This is what I have learned: Active alcoholics will say they want x,y,z. They will say that they are going to contest everything you request.
The reality is usually this: They are being bullies. They are trying to force you to back down.
It has been my experience with two ex husbands (and child from each marriage) that they will not uphold a rigorous visitation schedule. Without the sober, responsible parent in attendance; they are too frustrated to pull off every other weekend. They soon fade off into other activities that revolve around alcohol - AND I let them!
Talk to your lawyer and listen to what is recommended. Your lawyer knows what judges in your courts will and will not allow. Also, I recommend you follow your gut. Listen to your maternal instincts and do what is best for your children.
Sending you hugs and support!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 235
Thank-you. My biggest concern he is supposedly not drinking. Anyone have experience with Non-alcoholic beer? My lawyer thinks it has enough alcohol to be considered drinking. He drinks enough to smell like he is drinking again. This is so hard! Why do I feel so bad! I know 100% I have given him many chances. I do not want my kids to loose thier dad and blame me.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: SC
Posts: 30
I only have a little bit of experience with them. My ABF's had .5% alcohol content per can, and he tried a 6 pack so that he could try to stop drinking. He hated the "taste" of it (really it didn't get him drunk like he wanted) and didn't even finish all of them. Went right back to drinking regular. The cans were only different by having a red NA on them. Couldn't really tell the difference unless you really looked. I'm not sure how many brands of NA there are, so it might be different for what your husband is drinking.
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
To answer your question about the NA beer:
IMHO, he is still drinking. All NA beers contain some alcohol. You imply he consumes lots of NA beer. He is consuming some alcohol with each beer.
IMHO, he is still drinking. All NA beers contain some alcohol. You imply he consumes lots of NA beer. He is consuming some alcohol with each beer.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: LA - Lower Alabama
Posts: 5,068
The NA beer is all show, he is fortifying that with the real stuff or maybe even the hard stuff. Take it from me, another alcoholic.
Ask your lawyer about the best way to ensure he is not drinking. You might be able to give him breathalyzers before he picks up the kids. I know someone who did this (the breathalyzer was administered by the local sheriff and there was a cost involved) and it was great to go back to court and say things to the judge like "well, he didn't show up 3 of 7 weekends, and he failed the breathalyzer on one of the other ones".
Ask your lawyer about the best way to ensure he is not drinking. You might be able to give him breathalyzers before he picks up the kids. I know someone who did this (the breathalyzer was administered by the local sheriff and there was a cost involved) and it was great to go back to court and say things to the judge like "well, he didn't show up 3 of 7 weekends, and he failed the breathalyzer on one of the other ones".
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 235
Thanks everybody! I find I just need a reality check one in a while. I know I need Alanon and I am working on it I promise! Right now hard to leave the kiddos. I feel like knowing I am there is all the have! I have trusted him so many times and know I need to protect my kids. Lawyer filed with a motion that I get full custody and that he is tested. Now it is up to him and his lawyer then a judge. WIsh me luck. Sad thing is I still just want him sober for his kids. I was so happy he followed through with taking my oldest to a football game last night then they came home early and my son has has an attitude all day.
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