JoySeeker

I have been away roughly 2, maybe 3 months from my Ex who rapidly inclined from alcohol, to pain meds and eventualy heroin. I remember wondering how long it was going to be until that last bit of attachment was going to break. You know, where you know you need to leave then do it, but that lingering force of being connected still holds you emotionaly?

When he says "I Love You still and want you back" "I've changed and doing really well, you'd be proud" "Family is most important, think about the kids" and on and on and on... The words fly right past me and it doesn't even faze me now. I don't see his every day living, and I don't care to know. But I will say that if he IS clean, this guy acts the EXACT same way he did when he was using. Still lies, still manipulates, still tries to control me with situations. Always using the kids as an excuse. If something doesn't go the way he wants, he's there trying to make me hurt in any way. I craved before the need to be loved by him and words held me to believe he did. Fact: Words meant nothing, his behavior meant everything. Besides, no one who abuses another loves them.

Starting to wonder if it is just his behavior over the years shaped his character for good this way. I know people can change, but after attending Nar-Anon and AL-anon meetings it hit me that I didn't want to live my life even 1 more year down the road in the same situation "telling myself" that our situation was different from every one elses. It wasn't. Addiction has a pretty solid cycle. It's when all the promises, words and I Love You's start messing with what is really going on.

I don't believe that Love is a feeling. In the dictionary it does, and I understand why it is so confusing. I do however aknowledge that Love can create feelings ( such as being in love) For those who read the Bible, not once does Love have a definition as a feeling. I do not attend church regularly, but I find things in there that are very helpful in spiritual growth.

Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends.

So it really is impossible for someone who is in active addiction in any sort to fully love. It just doesn't stand if Love truely is an action.

I am stressed being a single mother, broke lol, but have learned more in these past few months about taking care of myself, my kids and having joy back. I lost joy while with him and that's no way to live. I followed advise that people on here kept giving from those who have been dealing with addicted loved ones for years. Detach, get physicaly away, and let the addict learn from his own mistakes. Only they can change. The 3 C's were a blessing to believe fully.

I didn't cause it
I can't control it
I can't cure it

Thank you to all who keep giving advise that is so hard to accept! it has changed my life so much, even though it was the hardest thing I had to do.

Windblown

Love is an action word but also an inaction word...when we start detaching we learn to love ourselves. Addicts can not love themselves, therefore they can't love anybody else.

I cried when I read what you wrote about love. I want to read that everyday...perhaps I will get a bookmark. Have you read Marianne Williamson's Return To Love? I read it years ago but it led me to other spiritual avenues.

Love is so big. I know so little about it...seems I was taught love meant giving presents, helping, caretaking, fixing...but that isn't always so. Thank you for teaching me more about love.

And you bring hope with your success to all of us here. The three C's are a daily reminder for me too. Keep on the path!

Anaya

Thank you for the powerful message and sharing your journey. I hope you don't mind me saying that I send prayers your way for continued strength and peace of mind. I have experienced beginning to move on and heal, though in a different dynamic, in that my loved one who fights the ongoing battle is one of my children. I imagine you are an inspiration to your children and family. Best wishes to you.

Kindeyes

I needed to read that today. I've always loved that. It brought tears to my eyes this morning. Thank you.

I hope your journey continues to be one of self examination and that you find serenity and joy along the way.

gentle hugs
ke