Struggling with stopping enabling!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: WV
Posts: 2
Struggling with stopping enabling!
Hey all! I'm new here but struggling and not sure where to turn! so I figured this couldnt hurt any more than it has been!
so here is my story:
My best friend and roommate, the little sister i never had, has an alcohol problem. I have talked to her about it and the discussions rarely go well. while she will admit that she never has enough money and doesnt take care of her responsibilities she doesnt see it as a problem, and therefore is not ready to change. She drinks all day, except when at work. We have known each other for seven years and she has recently gotten worse. She had a less than wonderful home life and while i do understand why she drinks, i also understand that she is not facing her problems, only covering them up with the alcohol.
Until recently, i was the enabler in her life. i always thought if washed her clothes, did the dishes, took care of her dogs etc. there would be less stress for her to concentrate on her issues. She recently met a new enabler, and it was then i realized exactly how much harm i was doing by "helping" her. So i took a stand and told her i did not agree with this new person in her life and i was no longer going to go along with what she was doing to herself. i could not live with her if this was the way things were going to be. She never used to black out before, she would drink but still remember conversations we had. Since the new enabler, i rarely see her, and when we do its an argument, she will come home say mean things and then the next day she wont remember. She has burned herself while intoxicated then looked at me like im the crazy one when i ask if she has a blister the next day, bc she doesnt remember what happened!
So im struggling with letting her go, because i do love and care for her very much. I worry constantly even though she has told me not to and i know it isnt healthy for me.
And i have confronted the new enabler and told her what she is doing is enabling her by taking her out and paying for her drinks, and drinking along with her on weekends..new enabler states she isnt going to just let her go alone, she wants to know she is safe...
sorry this is so long but i guess im just so confused...i know what i need to do but it hurts so much. and there are days when i feel like im the crazy one to both of them bc they dont see the problem! so i feel like im over reacting like im the bad guy and the new enabler is the perfect friend, or at least thats how im treated.
So, any suggestions on making the "letting go" any easier? and being able to keep my mouth shut and not complain, guilt, or argue with my addict? it is so hard bc i want her to see what she is doing to herself but i also know i cant change it and constantly bringing up the issue is stressing both of us out!
thanks for reading!
so here is my story:
My best friend and roommate, the little sister i never had, has an alcohol problem. I have talked to her about it and the discussions rarely go well. while she will admit that she never has enough money and doesnt take care of her responsibilities she doesnt see it as a problem, and therefore is not ready to change. She drinks all day, except when at work. We have known each other for seven years and she has recently gotten worse. She had a less than wonderful home life and while i do understand why she drinks, i also understand that she is not facing her problems, only covering them up with the alcohol.
Until recently, i was the enabler in her life. i always thought if washed her clothes, did the dishes, took care of her dogs etc. there would be less stress for her to concentrate on her issues. She recently met a new enabler, and it was then i realized exactly how much harm i was doing by "helping" her. So i took a stand and told her i did not agree with this new person in her life and i was no longer going to go along with what she was doing to herself. i could not live with her if this was the way things were going to be. She never used to black out before, she would drink but still remember conversations we had. Since the new enabler, i rarely see her, and when we do its an argument, she will come home say mean things and then the next day she wont remember. She has burned herself while intoxicated then looked at me like im the crazy one when i ask if she has a blister the next day, bc she doesnt remember what happened!
So im struggling with letting her go, because i do love and care for her very much. I worry constantly even though she has told me not to and i know it isnt healthy for me.
And i have confronted the new enabler and told her what she is doing is enabling her by taking her out and paying for her drinks, and drinking along with her on weekends..new enabler states she isnt going to just let her go alone, she wants to know she is safe...
sorry this is so long
but i guess im just so confused...i know what i need to do but it hurts so much. and there are days when i feel like im the crazy one to both of them bc they dont see the problem! so i feel like im over reacting like im the bad guy and the new enabler is the perfect friend, or at least thats how im treated.So, any suggestions on making the "letting go" any easier? and being able to keep my mouth shut and not complain, guilt, or argue with my addict? it is so hard bc i want her to see what she is doing to herself but i also know i cant change it and constantly bringing up the issue is stressing both of us out!
thanks for reading!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 451
I feel like by you saying you confronted her 'new enabler' that you are still trying to manipulate the situation. It seems like you are a little jealous that she has a new enabler? This situation is easily resolved, if you have a friend who is an alcoholic and is using you, move out, get out of the situation. Don't be concerned with her 'new enabler'. That is her problem to deal with. I would recommend the book, "Codependent No More". It seems like you have some codependent issues. I do as well. It helped me to realize why and how I was also at blame for being in a relationship with someone who is abusive to me. Why I allowed it and how I could change ME, not them.
Keep posting, it helps.
Keep posting, it helps.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: WV
Posts: 2
I definitely agree that I am co-dependent, for sure. and i am struggling with that as well. i would def agree im jealous because i do feel abandoned by my friend. although i understand that her addiction is going to take her to whoever she gets less confrontation from. and i realize that our relationship is toxic. but its been my day-in, day-out for so long i forget what normal is like.
i have stayed out of the new situtation, only keeping contact with my addict. i refused any contact with the new enabler and told my friend i did not want to be part of the chaos that came along with the new friend, i told her it was her life if she wanted to get involved in other peoples issues but not me. it was too much. the new friend was involved in an alcoholic/abusive relationship until my friend "rescued" her from it. but ive been made to feel as if im isolating myself from people because of it, which makes me feel like maybe i am crazy?! the contact came from new friend yesterday when she texted me saying she was worried my addict was going to do something stupid, it was then i explained to her exactly what was going on. although why she acted like she doesnt know is beyond me, denial maybe? what my addict was doing to herself and what she was doing to enable her. since then, no contact, and no plans for any further contact. i do realize that in time, she will probably learn exactly what i have, and be in the same spot as me. or maybe not. but her life is not my problem. mine is.
i guess im just so angry at myself and the disease, what i havent been doing to take care of myself, all the time i feel was wasted when nothing has changed only gotten worse, confused at how i got myself into this, just all over the place.
but i do plan to move out, find myself again, and figure out what i need to do for ME now. and i think the first step is to read a new book!
thanks for the reply!
i have stayed out of the new situtation, only keeping contact with my addict. i refused any contact with the new enabler and told my friend i did not want to be part of the chaos that came along with the new friend, i told her it was her life if she wanted to get involved in other peoples issues but not me. it was too much. the new friend was involved in an alcoholic/abusive relationship until my friend "rescued" her from it. but ive been made to feel as if im isolating myself from people because of it, which makes me feel like maybe i am crazy?! the contact came from new friend yesterday when she texted me saying she was worried my addict was going to do something stupid, it was then i explained to her exactly what was going on. although why she acted like she doesnt know is beyond me, denial maybe? what my addict was doing to herself and what she was doing to enable her. since then, no contact, and no plans for any further contact. i do realize that in time, she will probably learn exactly what i have, and be in the same spot as me. or maybe not. but her life is not my problem. mine is.
i guess im just so angry at myself and the disease, what i havent been doing to take care of myself, all the time i feel was wasted when nothing has changed only gotten worse, confused at how i got myself into this, just all over the place.
but i do plan to move out, find myself again, and figure out what i need to do for ME now. and i think the first step is to read a new book!
thanks for the reply!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 101
She has no intention at this time to stop this drinking. Don't let this bring you down. They use the phrase 'crazy making' here a lot meaning this type of situation is not healthy for you and is very stressful.
Read and post here.
Read the recommended books.
Work a program for yourself. Get away from the situation. Attend AlAnon.
Definitely stay away from the new enabler no matter how much you might think a good talking with them will help - it won't.
Forget about even attempting to waste you energy controlling the alcohollic.
They will make you feel as if this is all your fault and something is wrong with you.
Good thing you are planning to move out.
Read and post here.
Read the recommended books.
Work a program for yourself. Get away from the situation. Attend AlAnon.
Definitely stay away from the new enabler no matter how much you might think a good talking with them will help - it won't.
Forget about even attempting to waste you energy controlling the alcohollic.
They will make you feel as if this is all your fault and something is wrong with you.
Good thing you are planning to move out.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: california
Posts: 44
love of boozeq
Originally Posted by mandy4usc 
Hey all! I'm new here but struggling and not sure where to turn! so I figured this couldnt hurt any more than it has been!
so here is my story:
My best friend and roommate, the little sister i never had, has an alcohol problem. I have talked to her about it and the discussions rarely go well. while she will admit that she never has enough money and doesnt take care of her responsibilities she doesnt see it as a problem, and therefore is not ready to change. She drinks all day, except when at work. We have known each other for seven years and she has recently gotten worse. She had a less than wonderful home life and while i do understand why she drinks, i also understand that she is not facing her problems, only covering them up with the alcohol.
Until recently, i was the enabler in her life. i always thought if washed her clothes, did the dishes, took care of her dogs etc. there would be less stress for her to concentrate on her issues. She recently met a new enabler, and it was then i realized exactly how much harm i was doing by "helping" her. So i took a stand and told her i did not agree with this new person in her life and i was no longer going to go along with what she was doing to herself. i could not live with her if this was the way things were going to be. She never used to black out before, she would drink but still remember conversations we had. Since the new enabler, i rarely see her, and when we do its an argument, she will come home say mean things and then the next day she wont remember. She has burned herself while intoxicated then looked at me like im the crazy one when i ask if she has a blister the next day, bc she doesnt remember what happened!
So im struggling with letting her go, because i do love and care for her very much. I worry constantly even though she has told me not to and i know it isnt healthy for me.
And i have confronted the new enabler and told her what she is doing is enabling her by taking her out and paying for her drinks, and drinking along with her on weekends..new enabler states she isnt going to just let her go alone, she wants to know she is safe...
sorry this is so long but i guess im just so confused...i know what i need to do but it hurts so much. and there are days when i feel like im the crazy one to both of them bc they dont see the problem! so i feel like im over reacting like im the bad guy and the new enabler is the perfect friend, or at least thats how im treated.
So, any suggestions on making the "letting go" any easier? and being able to keep my mouth shut and not complain, guilt, or argue with my addict? it is so hard bc i want her to see what she is doing to herself but i also know i cant change it and constantly bringing up the issue is stressing both of us out!
thanks for reading!
so here is my story:
My best friend and roommate, the little sister i never had, has an alcohol problem. I have talked to her about it and the discussions rarely go well. while she will admit that she never has enough money and doesnt take care of her responsibilities she doesnt see it as a problem, and therefore is not ready to change. She drinks all day, except when at work. We have known each other for seven years and she has recently gotten worse. She had a less than wonderful home life and while i do understand why she drinks, i also understand that she is not facing her problems, only covering them up with the alcohol.
Until recently, i was the enabler in her life. i always thought if washed her clothes, did the dishes, took care of her dogs etc. there would be less stress for her to concentrate on her issues. She recently met a new enabler, and it was then i realized exactly how much harm i was doing by "helping" her. So i took a stand and told her i did not agree with this new person in her life and i was no longer going to go along with what she was doing to herself. i could not live with her if this was the way things were going to be. She never used to black out before, she would drink but still remember conversations we had. Since the new enabler, i rarely see her, and when we do its an argument, she will come home say mean things and then the next day she wont remember. She has burned herself while intoxicated then looked at me like im the crazy one when i ask if she has a blister the next day, bc she doesnt remember what happened!
So im struggling with letting her go, because i do love and care for her very much. I worry constantly even though she has told me not to and i know it isnt healthy for me.
And i have confronted the new enabler and told her what she is doing is enabling her by taking her out and paying for her drinks, and drinking along with her on weekends..new enabler states she isnt going to just let her go alone, she wants to know she is safe...
sorry this is so long
but i guess im just so confused...i know what i need to do but it hurts so much. and there are days when i feel like im the crazy one to both of them bc they dont see the problem! so i feel like im over reacting like im the bad guy and the new enabler is the perfect friend, or at least thats how im treated.So, any suggestions on making the "letting go" any easier? and being able to keep my mouth shut and not complain, guilt, or argue with my addict? it is so hard bc i want her to see what she is doing to herself but i also know i cant change it and constantly bringing up the issue is stressing both of us out!
thanks for reading!
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Welcome to the SR family!
Thank you for taking the time to introduce yourself to the rest of the family. I am glad you are here , but sorry for the reason that brought you here.
Please make yourself at home by reading and posting as much as needed.
One of the first thinks I needed to accept about addiction was the the three C's:
I did not Cause it
I could not Control it
I would not Cure it
Easier said than done, trust me!
By pitying your friends rough background, you justified her drinking behavior. As adults, we have choices to make. We can wallow in our past, or we can choose to make a better life for ourselves. Your friend chooses to wallow in self-pity. This is typical alcoholic behavior: "If you had the troubles I had, you would drink too". It is termed - terminal uniqueness around the rooms of recovery. The addicted and co-dependent believe their situation is so unique that they are justified in their unhealthy choices.
I have been guilty of the same behavior. I needed to learn to make healthy choices for myself to get out of that mind set.
The following is a link that helped me while living with a loved one's addiction:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html
Thank you for taking the time to introduce yourself to the rest of the family. I am glad you are here , but sorry for the reason that brought you here.
Please make yourself at home by reading and posting as much as needed.
One of the first thinks I needed to accept about addiction was the the three C's:
I did not Cause it
I could not Control it
I would not Cure it
Easier said than done, trust me!
By pitying your friends rough background, you justified her drinking behavior. As adults, we have choices to make. We can wallow in our past, or we can choose to make a better life for ourselves. Your friend chooses to wallow in self-pity. This is typical alcoholic behavior: "If you had the troubles I had, you would drink too". It is termed - terminal uniqueness around the rooms of recovery. The addicted and co-dependent believe their situation is so unique that they are justified in their unhealthy choices.
I have been guilty of the same behavior. I needed to learn to make healthy choices for myself to get out of that mind set.
The following is a link that helped me while living with a loved one's addiction:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html
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