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Hi all, day 13 and falling into the "one drink won't hurt" trap



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Hi all, day 13 and falling into the "one drink won't hurt" trap

Old 10-14-2011, 02:49 AM
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Hi all, day 13 and falling into the "one drink won't hurt" trap

Hi all.

Although I joined this place a couple years ago I guess I wasn't strong enough back then.

My history (a short version), is simple: Started drinking relatively late in life (18), and now, ten years later, it's progressively gotten worse. I was at the stage of having a six pack of beer before work, and then at least 10-14 after work (and as a female that's way beyond the recommended), no dinner and passing out rarely remembering how I got to bed (if I made it that far!). There are lots of stories of how I've been in bad situations/done silly things but I won't go into them.

I'm quitting with the help of my GP, I am taking one valium at around 4pm when I finish work, and the idea is to have another 2 at bed time to sleep. By now I'm meant to be cutting it to one before bed. The trouble is I'm so flat without the drinking that once the 4pm valium wears off I just go to bed at 8pm. I'm struggling to find life interesting without a bottle in hand. Everything seems to go with drinking. Cooking, cleaning, playing on the computer, etc.

I've gotten to today, and I'm finding it harder than it's been so far. I feel like I've achieved something by not drinking for so long, and it's just so depressing to be not drinking. I feel like celebrating, or "just having a couple".

I'm on here to just say hi to people, maybe get some advice on what to expect for the next couple of weeks. I will not drink tonight though I'm embarrassed to admit I feel tears at the back of my eyes thinking that I can't. I've been caught off guard that tonight is harder than the first few nights were.

Also, is it worth taking another valium to dull this current craving then explain it to the dr? Is it normal to feel this 2 week itch?

It's silly that I keep thinking "No I will not get in the car and go to the bar, I will stay at home" and then my eyes start to prickle with tears. I know this is a mere fraction of the pain I've put others through, but any words of advice, comfort, random chat would help!
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Old 10-14-2011, 02:58 AM
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Welcome Back! I'm too new to be able to give much advice - others will be by to welcome you soon I'm sure. Just know that you can do it!

I dread the next couple of weeks more than the first few days. The first few days I always feel crappy so not drinking is easy. Then the next couple of days I end up feeling good and it (usually) is just a matter of time until I relapse. It's hard to make it through that feel physically good/"see I don't have a problem" stage to the "I'm really enjoying my life not drinking - it is soooo much better".

I know that that stage does exist - I've been there once or twice in the last 26 years.... Keep posting and stay close to SR. The support here has been invaluable to me. Do you have a plan for the weekend? Are you working a program? Hope you see you around this weekend !
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Old 10-14-2011, 03:13 AM
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Thanks SS. I am not in a program, but I see a counsellor once a week. I like that you mentioned the "See I don't have a problem" stage, because that's exactly how I'm feeling at the moment! A stage I've been to many times, and which has always led to bad results.

I guess it's just so hard at this point to believe that there will be a point in my life where I enjoy not drinking. I quite smoking a couple years ago, and I no longer have any cravings or desire to smoke, but the big difference is that I got to the point where I no longer enjoyed smoking. I still enjoy drinking and that makes it so easy to trick myself into drinking.

I've been reading Ryan's thread and that has helped too, as he's basically thinking the same things.

Something else I've noticed since quitting, I've been eating a tonne. Like non-stop, can't seem to stop sticking food in my mouth. I used to not even eat dinner, as I'd drink instead, but now I'm hungry all the time. Is this usual?
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Old 10-14-2011, 03:30 AM
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Hi everyone. I was (am) on day 19 as of now. I decided to relapse last night. I actually thought i could control it. I feel like such a fool. Had I just stayed strong, taken the good advice I give other addicts and taken my meds on time, I would have been fine. Is testing your limits a part of recovery? Fudge it. I am not stashing anymore. I am pouring my impromptu stash out right now. Why do I feel the need to go back to an abusive relationship? I feel like i'm giving myself lip service whether i'm drinking or in recovery. I'm afraid that I can't stay sober alone but i'm terrified of meeting new people. I'm not comfortable in AA and the alternative programs are quite far away. Not a problem now but driving over ice through snow scares the poo outta me.

Well, whisper a prayer for me today. I will try with all my heart pull myself back up and chalk this up to a learning experience. Amazing. Drinking STILL doesn't solve my problems or make me truly happy. Big surprise. I feel like a baby who is trying to learn how to walk but would rather fall down alone than hold on to the edge of a table.
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Old 10-14-2011, 03:36 AM
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I'm glad to see you back FD

I think you should really address any medical queries you have to your Dr - it might seem like a nuisance or a lot of bother but it really is in your best interests to speak with them, I think.

I think most of us find life strange and maybe even a little empty after we quit.

Give it time tho - we drank for years - you've only been sober a couple of weeks - the fatigue and the unfamiliarity will fade and you can start to think about doing things to fill your life up again

It's normal to feel panicky and maybe even sad about not drinking. I found it easier for me to just focus on not drinking today - that was achievable for me - and repeat again tomorrow

Apart from us and your counsellor are you thinking of any other support?

D
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Old 10-14-2011, 03:39 AM
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Sorry to hear of your relapse. They happen so sneakily. Good on you for having the strength to destroy your stash.

I am not usually one for prayer, but I will have you in my thoughts tonight, all the way over here in Australia. I hope you find the program to suit you, perhaps there are online skype style programs so you don't have to risk driving on snow?

The other thing I remember picking up the last time I was in these forums... it's not about your fall from the wagon, it's how you pick yourself up again. You slipped once, you did not fail. Keep on acting as if you never slipped, don't let it be an excuse to start again.
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Old 10-14-2011, 03:44 AM
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Hi Dee, good to see you again, I remember you from last time. You're absolutely right - I've been drinking for years, and only been sober for less than two weeks. I am sure it will take a while to even figure out what "normal" is!

As for other support I do have my family and partner, however no official programs. I live in a small town, less than 170 people population, and there are no programs available. I will use these forums as a way of support though, I find a lot of strength in the success stories and I feel less alone when reading about others feeling the same as me.

I am already feeling much better.
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Old 10-14-2011, 04:38 AM
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hey - cry! Have a good cry and go to bed at 8pm. Good for the soul, short term IMO.

All those feelings... "life is boring without alcohol", "maybe I don't have a problem afterall", "One won't hurt", "everything goes with alcohol"... those are all alcoholic thoughts. . That's what the alcoholic in you believes and needs to believe to feed your addiction.

Is it normal to feel a 2 week itch? IME all 'itches' are normal. You're an alcoholic, after all. Craving is what you do. But it changed my life to really isolate all those thoughts as being untrue. (if you google Rational Recovery's AVRT you'll find more detail).

Acknowledge the feelings, let them go and go DO something healthy. Take a walk, go get a cup of coffee, write... whatever floats your sober boat.

Welcome back!
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Old 10-14-2011, 05:23 AM
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Originally Posted by ForeverDecember View Post
Something else I've noticed since quitting, I've been eating a tonne. Like non-stop, can't seem to stop sticking food in my mouth. I used to not even eat dinner, as I'd drink instead, but now I'm hungry all the time. Is this usual?
Well - I have no idea how usual it is, but I'm having the same problem. I also rarely ate a decent dinner. Always fixed something good for the family and then saved my calories for my liquid diet. I think our bodies need vitamins and nourishment now; maybe that's why we're so hungry. We could also be dehydrated. I've read that when a person is dehydrated it can feel like hunger. So, I'm trying to drink more water.....

I'm trying to curb the "calorie problem" by making better choices. For example, when I'm craving sugar I try to have an apple instead of chocolate chip cookies. However, there I sat at the computer last night munching on chocolate covered pretzels And, I've actually been allowing myself some treats so that I don't feel totally deprived.

I'm trying to be kind to myself and know that in the next week or so, when I'm feeling stronger, I'll start working more on my diet and trying to do a tiny bit of working out (which right now is nothing LOL) and then every few weeks add something else. If I try to do diet and exercise at the same time as quitting drinking I'll go nuts!!

Definitely helps to keep the mindset that this process is going to take a long time!

Have a great day!
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Old 10-14-2011, 05:30 AM
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DisplacedGRITS - You can pull yourself back up! I like your analogy to the baby learning to walk - it is very appropriate for me! I'm only on Day 5 after failing to grab the table many a time! You've taken a good step coming back to SR instead of spiraling down.

That takes a lot of courage!! Not to mention throwing out your stash!! Great way to start the day. What are your plans for today? How are you planning to cope?

If you get a chance stop by the October Class - it is a good group of supportive people! We'd love to have you check in today and over the weekend - let us know how your doing!

p.s. I remember reading some of your posts in the last couple of months - they really helped me to get to where I am now! Hang tough - you can do it!
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Old 10-14-2011, 05:34 AM
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Its been my experience that that those feelings or cravings are part of recovery and if it was easy everybody would be doing it. I also learned that relapse isnt part of recovery, its part of the illness. This I learned on one of my attempts at sobriety while sitting in a hotel room watching a show on alcoholism while chugging many beers.

I once had it explained to me that while i was abstaining from alcohol my addiction was in the parking lot doing push-ups getting stronger but awareness can be its best defence. Also as a daily drinker I struggled with the thought of life with out alcohol as i thought it was my only friend, as i broke it down and faced each day as it came life became easier.Today its quite the contrary,when i get the thought of drinking i replay in my head the misery and constant mental obsesion i had and thank God i have a daily reprieve. Today I have a love for life and all things in it, 6 months ago i was contemplating suicide,and as a husband and father of two beautiful children it goes to show how cunning, baffling and powerful alcohol can be.

all the best and remeber you are never alone.
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Old 10-14-2011, 06:05 AM
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Wow! How's your liver? Or kidneys? Your inability to feel is due to your numbing your nerves-brain & body...at leat give your body a long term break. Get to meetings & try to get a sponsor. You're young...and drinking is hurting you. Give time time. Heal.

I wish you the best
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Old 10-14-2011, 06:35 AM
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Originally Posted by ForeverDecember View Post
I've gotten to today, and I'm finding it harder than it's been so far. I feel like I've achieved something by not drinking for so long, and it's just so depressing to be not drinking. I feel like celebrating, or "just having a couple".
I've only got one question - Do you really want to suffer through those first 13 days again?
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Old 10-14-2011, 07:37 AM
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I've heard a lot of people say that they went through something like a mourning period when they quit -- as if they were losing their best friend. (I didn't -- I hate my disease and I'm grateful for every day that I live without it controlling my life). But I do understand that a lot of us use alcohol to fill a void inside us. The alcohol may be gone, but the void is still there. That's where things like AA and this place come in handy, to fill the void with something positive, like hope, support and love. Try to get out of your head as much as you can early on. Reading, walking, helping others, anything that keeps you occupied and feels rewarding when you're doing it.

I ate almost non-stop to begin with, but it tapered off. I think that's normal for a lot of us.

I'm glad you're here FD. Just don't drink today.

--Fenris.
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Old 10-14-2011, 04:10 PM
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Just over 4 months sober and I understand what you are going through, be kind to yourself, treat yourself to whatever you want that is not alcohol. Think of yourself as an invalid or a small child that needs to be nutured, to grow and strengthen.

About the eating, I craved sugar now I am returning to normal. I wouldn't restrict myself, your fight is with alcohol, not food.

You gave up alcohol for a reason, remember that. Stay strong
All the best
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Old 10-14-2011, 04:35 PM
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I too was depressed when I first stopped drinking. I couldn't imagine how I'd fill my days without drinking. I felt like I was cheated because I couldn't drink. That was all my alcoholism talking. With the passage of time, and the work I did on myself (with the help of my counselor), I overcame the depression and found that I was even happier sober than I'd ever been drinking.

Give yourself time and attention to get better. It doesn't happen overnight, but one day I woke up and realized I was happy for the first time in a long time. It was really earthshaking as I'd been drunk and unhappy for so long.

Don't give up now, it does get better as long as you stay sober.
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Old 10-14-2011, 04:56 PM
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Hey FD,

If you give in now to those feelings then next time you try to stop after something bad happens you'll find you feel even worse when you can't drink.

Once it has a grip of you it just gets worse until you decide to recover.

All the best,

Elvis
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Old 10-14-2011, 05:02 PM
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foreverdecember.. my exp with the valium (xanax and klonopin) was not good,, it may help you sleep,, but it made me not care if i drank or not. So I drank AND took it. I could not focus on not drinking because thats what the valium did,, i just didnt think it was a big deal. The valium lowers your senses, and anxiety,, so you think it maybe isnt a big deal.. If you can do it,, and i know its hard,, put the valium down for a week or so and make you decsions then.. I went cold turkey off booze and valium. Not fun.. But im sober and the fog has lifted. My head is still spinning everyday.. But i am totally clean. Good luck my friend
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Old 10-14-2011, 06:09 PM
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Thank you all for your comments. There are so many gems of wisdom in here that I can't quote them all, but I am going to bookmark this thread so that I can come back here when I need a hand.

I realise how 'new' I am to recovery when people talk about the "alcoholic voice" - I have not thought about it that way. I am very glad I am here at SR.

Last night I made it until 10.30pm then went to bed, alcohol free. Today I woke up not worrying about "what did I do last night??? Will my friends/family still be talking to me today???". It's great

Today is Saturday and I plan to play a little computer, scrap book, and (most importantly) not drink.

Ryan - I used to mix alcohol with sleeping tablets, until I had a couple of scary "episodes" when I combined alcohol with a medicine called stillnox. I was fighting with my partner and staying with my parents for the night. The last thing I remembered was taking the tablet after drinking all night. The next day my family filled me in... I'd started by going into my sister's room and waking her up (while she had a friend staying over), telling her "Can you come help us, we need help?" She asked who was here with me and what did I need, I told her "You're unavoidable linked to the mafia. There are three people in my head, one of them's an idiot but we've known them a long time, so it's ok". From there I managed to wake up the entire house, trying to get into the car to drive to get more alcohol (thankfully using the wrong set of car keys for the car I was attempting to start), and eventually my little brother sat me down and talked to me and I went to sleep. Only he knows what he said to me, he didn't tell my parents and I don't remember. I had another incident with stillnox where I called my boss and told her I was going to kill myself. It was surreal because I wasn't even depressed or sad at the time, I have no idea where that came from. I was alone for most of that episode so I don't know what else I did... She came over and stayed with me until I passed out, and she came over the next morning to make sure I was OK telling me to take the day off. She was a great lady, never told anyone about it so far as I know.

Since those incidents I don't mix alcohol and sleeping meds at all. I can only imagine what would've happened if I'd gotten into that car, and talking about there being three people in my head really scared my sister (and me!). The talk of committing suicide while I had no suicidal or even sad thoughts when sober was completely terrifying... so don't worry, I'm not going to mix the meds and drinks!
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Old 10-14-2011, 07:42 PM
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Don't have much by way of advice , just want to say welcome! I hope you stick around
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