Windblown

I could be a Nebraska farmwife,
A country club socialite
A long distance runner...

When I'm with Everlast... I'm an Irish white rapper
At work...i played the Piper...and sold them the racket

But alone...I am nothing
A hole of confusion
Doin' small things all day
No dreams...I just pray

Who am I
Nothing special
And I like it that way

tjp613

Hi Windblown. How you doin' today?

An interesting poem -- did you happen to write it?
I find it kind of sad and comforting at the same time.

Kindeyes

Thank you for sharing. Beautiful in a very melancholy way.
gentle hugs
ke

Windblown

Yeah I wrote it... I'm feelin' a depression comin' on and I don't want to go back on meds. Because they don't work on me and I get fat and spaced out. My passion was having my little family together with my son back...I was able to get off the meds for 7 months...like I was cured. And then it's like my son has died...he's gone...and I have no happy exuberance anymore...hard just to get up. I do have much to be thankful for and am reaching out to the Goddess and the angels 247...even God and Jesus...maybe I'll add Buddha!

I know it is a process. I just feel like I have nothing to contribute to life and I feel like a loser Mom. My neighbor who is about to have a baby is coming over for coffee and I am going to have to struggle to go get dressed now. How long does it take to see a ray of light...he's been gone 5 days now and no phone call? How can I move on while he's still alive. It would be easier if he wasn't. Sorry for the dripping ooze of my sad little tongue.

tjp613

You and I are on similar paths now, Windblown. I also have recently gotten of my anti-depressants and can feel the difference. Yes, I cry more....but at least I can cry. Before I felt like I was a robot with no feelings at all. I have trouble getting going, too. It's a beautiful day out, I have the day off and I'm contemplating getting back in bed. Bleh!!!

Maybe I'll just take a wee little nap, then get outside and do something. I'm trying hard NOT to spend money. Maybe I'll wash my car. Maybe I'll get my tools out and create something (jewelry-maker).

What do you enjoy doing?

Windblown

Jewelry making sounds fun but I can't see too well with my eyes close up. I enjoy reading and writing. I used to paint watercolors and oils but haven't touched them in two years. Mostly I like to write poetry. I have notebooks full. My husband who is a graphic designer once made a book of my poems and art. Maybe I will try to write...I don't know. Perhaps tomorrow. Today, all I can do is read. I found the C.S. lewis Chronicles of Narnia in their original set at a used bookstore...just like the one I had as a child. I might begin the first book....but I feel more like a nap. I just never know what to do with my poems once written. Like if you make jewelry...it needs to be seen by someone...it needs an audience of some sort...otherwise just to make it and tuck it away might not be so encouraging. I would like to know about your jewelry. Any pics.? Do you or have you ever sold it? Hey this is fun...talking about something other than as...!!!!

hello-kitty

You're not. Don't talk to yourself like that. Say 10 nice things about yourself right now. Youre a winner mom making the most difficult but right decision NOT to enable your son's addiction.

:ghug3

No depression windblown. Life may suck... but make a grateful list anyway. And be nice to yourself. You deserve it!

dollydo

To me, having children is a part of ones life, not the absolute defining moment. You have a husband, you have other family and most important you have you, a unique individual, a person who must strive to find her own unique place in life, one that is all her own.

I do not have any children, by choice, as I wanted a career, a high powered one, and I knew that I could not serve two masters, I made my choice, and I have no regrets, does that make me a loser, because I didn't want to be a mother? Because society said that was to be my role in life. I think not, nor, because your son is not on the right path it certainly doesn't make you a loser, there is no book that clearly explains "How To Raise A Child" and, if you did everything according to the book, there still is no guarantee that everything would turn out A-ok, there are just too many variables, too many outside influences that are out of a parents control.

You tried to live your fantasy of the "Perfect Little Family" it didn't work, that doesn't mean that you failed. To me, there is no "Perfect Little Family", there are always issues, there are are always disappointments...that's life. Not my rules, just how it works.

Why not focus on you? Why not focus on rebuilding your marriage? Perhaps, it is time to redefine the core basics of your life...who are you? What do you really want from life?

You have so much to contribute to life, it's all about defination, it's all about priorities, it really is all about you, if you are not happy and healthy in spirit, you cannot help anyone else, that includes your son.

Read, write, contribute and live, each day holds a new promise a new adventure to explore, you are special, don't ever forget that!

Sending you my best....Dolly

Windblown

1. I am happy to be alive
2. I have a wonderfully, loving supportive husband
3. My Mom and I talk on the phone every day...more support
4. I am healing through sharing and hopefully helping others here on this forum
5. I have Faith
6. I believe eveyone is being helped and loved by higher forces...including my son
7. I am experiencing synchronistic happenings that re-enforce my Faith
8. I am being guided in how to deal with this situation with peope that just show up
9. I am learning that love means giving others the dignity of their own choices
10. I am loving, kind and gentle and I have the desire to go on one step at a time

O.k.....Your Turn!

Windblown

Oops dbl posted by accident

tjp613

Yeah, I used to sell it here and there and was very dedicated for a long time. I cleared the table one Christmas and never drug it out again...about 3 years ago. I've really been missing it -- but I really need a studio or my own room in the house 'cause it sure makes a mess!!

Here's a link to some stuff: https://picasaweb.google.com/terrido...eat=directlink

Mostly what I do now is wrap bracelets -- much less of a mess than the metal-smithing! https://picasaweb.google.com/terrido...eat=directlink

Ann

Windblown, you are not a loser mom and neither am I. Our kids are not losers either, they are addicts, sick and in need of help that we pray they will seek.

I believe that God gives "special" kids special moms, maybe so they have someone to pray for them.

Whatever the reason, it is what it is, we are who we are and we will play the hand life dealt us with grace and gratitude and walk side by side on this journey.

Next time you feel like a loser, come sit by me and share some cheesecake and we will watch the clouds and make wishes on the stars. It's way more fun that feeling sad.

Hugs and love from this mama's heart.

hello-kitty

I am grateful that my son gets to have a sleepover with his cousins at Grammas house tonight.

I am grateful that there is a good movie on TNT.

I am grateful that the sun was out today and that it's supposed to be out tomorrow too.

I'm proud that I am running 2.5 miles every other day and that I've lost 4 lbs in the last two weeks.

I'm glad my knees are holding up.

Kindeyes

I love that. Thank you. I needed to read this today.

gentle hugs
ke