Astolfo

Two weeks ago I moved out of the home I shared with AH for 6 years, into my own separate apartment. Because his initial response was a mixture of rage and denial, and because I had only myself to worry about (no kids), it was (mostly) surprisingly easy for me to stay strong and focused in the time leading up to the move. There was so much to organize and keep up with, alongside a full-time teaching job; not that I wasn't grieving as well, but I kept going and was so sure of what I had to do. I didn't even waver when he broke down the night before the move, and begged me in tears not to leave him.

Now I'm in the new place - I've started decorating it the way I like; it's a lovely, welcoming space where I'm enjoying order and peace; I've even inherited a free piano from a friend (I used to play when I was younger, and have been meaning to take it up again for years)... So I should be counting my blessings - and I am, much of the time... BUT... there's a hollow in the pit of my stomach. It's not loneliness - it's a recurring wave of concern for AH, for the fact that for the first time since we met all those years ago, we haven't spoken in a week. It's the nagging questions about how he is doing, what he is feeling. Is he still angry, blaming me for "bailing" on him and being "fickle"? Does he still have no conscious idea of why I had to leave? Is he sorry? Is he in pain? Does he have any help? Is he safe? Did I betray him? Etc. etc. all mixed up.

I know this can probably be described as "codie quacking" - or perhaps it's a big fight between the old codie self and the new emerging one. But it still makes me weep. I'm not even sure if I miss him - I'm just so used to worrying for him and taking care of him, and so primed to feel I let him down when I stopped doing those things. It makes me weep to think how I hurt and disappointed him.

And I know he hurt and disappointed me too - and never acknowledged it - but my deeper feelings around that don't seem ready to come out yet. In that regard I'm numb. I keep thinking I "should" be angry.

Last time we spoke he was astonished and offended because I "didn't even seem to hope we would get back together," and I tried to explain I just didn't know at this point. I'm trying so hard to be honest with wherever I'm at - to push past the habit of saying "what will make him feel better" rather than "what I actually feel." Trouble is I can't figure out what I feel except this habitual concern/burden of care. And I'm terrified that I have mistaken pity for love for years and years and how f**cked up does that make me.

How come it's almost harder now - separate and safe in my own lovely space - than it was when I was still living in the midst of the addiction?

Thanks for letting me vent.

sherby

Big Big Giant Hugs To You... This is All A Process it takes time to heal and it's only natural to feel mixed emotion when you first leave a spouse that has a addiction..
But please do not feel guilty you had to find peace and serenity and staying in chaos is not going to achieve that. And as co-dependents that's what we do, we put a-side our own feelings for the addict...
I don't want to sound cruel But Addicts only care about their needs not ours, do they care??? You ask, They don't even care for them-selves so how could they be capable of caring for someone else.. I have been where your at and I'm still struggling with things, I have only been gone for 6 months, I have had anger, sadness, resentfulness, guilt. Little By Little I'm picking up the pieces and finding myself again and so will you.. Just Remember You didn't Cause This, You Can't Control It, and You Can't Cure It.
I so feel your pain, Just keep coming to this board and I'm Proud of you for finding the courage to do what is healthy for you.

searchbug

It's normal to feel concern for your partner/spouse/relative. In a normal world, you express the concern (and other feelings), and it's accepted, or acted upon. And feeling pain over a loss, is real..even under the circumstances you are dealing with.
At least to me.. so much of this, is pure backwards. Detaching from a situation may be the only means of dealing, but it still goes against normal and rational interaction.
I'm not putting my feelings aside...I feel hurt, loss, anger, and more. They just don't do any good for me, or for him.

BobbyJ

I could write a book on what you just wrote in your post

Somedays are better and somedays they just plain ass suck

I understand.

Sometimes, going back and reading your first post that you wrote
on this site, helps you clear your head...As humans, we tend to
forget what it was like, living in the home with active addiction...

My mother always tells me...This too shall pass

LifeRecovery

Astolfo

I was in a very similar situation to you one year ago today.

I was so worried about the As in my life that I had finally admitted the problem was not all mine. I spent most of last fall worried.

I really got a lot out of the Kubler-Ross model for grief. It talks about stages denial, bargaining (where worry fit for me), anger, depression, and acceptance. It is not a linear progression and can cycle more than once. It took me about 8 mths to get to angry and I stayed there awhile, then depression for awhile etc. It just helped me to normalize my feelings and my experience. I am about 14 mths out from everything, and am cycling through again without the denial (the deeper feelings are able to come up), and I have not had acceptance yet.

I don't write those time frames to scare you (though they might), but to describe my experience. It has not happened as fast as I anticipated....but it is happening and it is getting easier. The cycle did gently force a new way of being for me. I stopped doing only what was okay/best for the A and started standing up for myself.

I was thinking of you last night before you posted, and am so glad you did. I can really resonate with the place you are in right now.

Tuffgirl

It takes time to reorganize your universe and feel comfortable again in your space. I wrote yesterday that change is unsettling, even if its good and/or healthy change.

And you spent a number of years worrying about this man...it is no surprise that you can't just flip the switch and turn off those thoughts. Its a habit and you are feeling withdrawal symptoms. Its ok, it will pass, and you will return to a place of strength and clarity again.

nodaybut2day

You just moved out TWO WEEKS ago Astolfo; please give yourself a giant break. You are just adjusting to your new life, so it's normal for you to still be thinking about your old priorities (namely him and his well-being). Try to remind yourself that he is an adult, and perfectly able to care for himself if he so chooses. I would also recommend limiting your contact with him to discussions about visitation. All other topics can wait. I remember my XAH trying to suck me back in with discussions about "us" and it took so much for me to shut him down, but boy am I glad I did. Within a few weeks, I started to feel that weight lifting gradually from my shoulders...the clouds parted and I knew I was better off away from him.

Good luck to you and keep posting!

chronsweet

I am so jealous of all you who posted about actually leaving the A. I hope to get that courage soon. I am starting to stand up for myself and building a solid plan for a way out. I would welcome the feelings described above over this feeling of absolute horror in living with an A. The anxiety of never knowing what the day or weekend home will bring is too stressful to even imagine. It is Friday and although I am so happy to have the time with my son for the w/e, I cringe when I think of how the A will be, how much he will drink, how will he behave based on the amount of alcohol he drinks, etc.

Cherish your feelings and listen to them. Reason with yourself in your own head, like someone said, go back and re-read your first post here. I admire your strength and courage. Your life will become brighter with each passing day!

Cyranoak

And please consider trying Alanon. I think you'll find, as I did when I left my wife, that the meetings and the program really, really help. Give it a chance.

Take care,

Cyranoak

msbelle57

Venting is good for you..the feelings you have are normal. Change is hard..but you are going to be happier and at peace. You are just so use to the chaos , frustration and constant worrying of caring for you AH that it will take time for those feelings to let go. But, you can do it! Big hugs

Razor7

I so understand your feelings of worrying about him. You took care of him so long, and that is in your nature. I also am a teacher, and I think it is in our nature to truly want to care for people. You can't turn that switch off. It will probably just take time to learn that what he needs now is to take care of himself. I am currently going through a similar thing. My husband has told me he doesn't want my help and that he wants to do this on his own. I am left here struggling because I have taken care of him and everything for 10 years.

Just now that you are amazing for going ahead and finding a place on your own. I am a true believer that if it is meant to be, it will be. So take this time to take care of yourself, you have probably taken care of everyone but you for a long time.

Kassie2

I would just add to that others said by reminding you that now you have the time and space to think about yourself only! You also have the time and space to have your feelings! esp about why you left. I want to remind you that now it is "safe" to have feelings and express yourself. That is part of recovery and how we heal - having our feelings and deciding what to let go of or not.

Talking to others is also good. Glad you are here.

SoaringSpirits

Astolfo, I can so relate to what you posted. I gave my AH the boot last May after spending 20 years of my life with him. We had a good marriage for the most part and were best friends. The first couple of weeks after he left was like a honeymoon period for me. I was filled with grief, yes, but there was no longer this shadow man living in the house. Then reality sort of hit, this awful, desperate sadness, loss, longing, questioning and depression. Who was I if not a wife and mother? A partner to this beautiful man who made me smile all those years?

I remember reading Kubler-Ross' stages of grief years ago and went back to refresh myself. It really helped me understand better what I was experiencing. The end of a marriage is a kind of a death, and it brings with it all these emotions.

Six months into separation with my AH, there are good days and really dark days. I literally have to live one day at a time, but I'm noticing that it's getting a little easier with time and am starting to see a teensy weensy light at the end of the tunnel. I feel flickers of acceptance that my marriage is over, that my husband will not stop drinking, that my life is forever changed. Hang in there. Hugs from another who has walked in your shoes. Keep posting!