AH drunk
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: Saint Louis, MO
Posts: 46
AH drunk
So my AH just came home from business trip and what do you know he was buzzed. He promised no drinking in this trip and again broke his promise.
Do I welcome him home or be upset that he's been drinking?
Do I welcome him home or be upset that he's been drinking?
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
How do you FEEL? Are you upset? Personally, I'd be detaching...having to do that with family members in my own house. Not really EASY but totally doable. Take a bubble bath, read a book, do something nice for YOU. You can't control what he does, but you can still take care of you.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
I don't see either of those options as healthy.
Welcoming him home denies your true feelings of disappointment that he drank.
Being upset that he is drinking won't get him sober or change the fact that broke his promise.
He drinks. This is what alcoholics do.
I tried to remove myself to another room and read. I didn't want to get into the discussion/denial about how much had been consumed. It was consumed and I wanted to be in a different room.
I would say detach, but I wasn't very good at detaching while living with a life partner that lied to me.
Sending you ((hugs)) and support, I know how you feel tonight.
Welcoming him home denies your true feelings of disappointment that he drank.
Being upset that he is drinking won't get him sober or change the fact that broke his promise.
He drinks. This is what alcoholics do.
I tried to remove myself to another room and read. I didn't want to get into the discussion/denial about how much had been consumed. It was consumed and I wanted to be in a different room.
I would say detach, but I wasn't very good at detaching while living with a life partner that lied to me.
Sending you ((hugs)) and support, I know how you feel tonight.
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
A promise from a person with an addiction means nothing, they cannot keep verbal
promises, what do his actions tell you? What are your bounderies?
Have you read all the stickies in the Family & Friends forums? Not just those relating to
alcoholics. Are you still attending meetings? Have you read Codependent No More?
If not, I would suggest you consider all of the above.
As for asking him the Big Question...why? He will just lie. Work on you, learn how to
detach, no matter what you do or say, it will not make him stop drinking. This is an
inside job, he has to decide whether he wants to recover or not, and their are no
guarantees, as, he will always have the disease, there is no cure.
Take care of you.
promises, what do his actions tell you? What are your bounderies?
Have you read all the stickies in the Family & Friends forums? Not just those relating to
alcoholics. Are you still attending meetings? Have you read Codependent No More?
If not, I would suggest you consider all of the above.
As for asking him the Big Question...why? He will just lie. Work on you, learn how to
detach, no matter what you do or say, it will not make him stop drinking. This is an
inside job, he has to decide whether he wants to recover or not, and their are no
guarantees, as, he will always have the disease, there is no cure.
Take care of you.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
A boundary usually begins with "I will/will not". When a boundary is crossed you remove yourself from the situation.
An attempt to control someone else usually begins with " you will/will not....or else".
Which aproach do you think will preserve your own wellbeing?
An attempt to control someone else usually begins with " you will/will not....or else".
Which aproach do you think will preserve your own wellbeing?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: Saint Louis, MO
Posts: 46
I have read codependent no more and reading the new codependency now.
I did detach tonight and went and read in another room.
I have no self control though when it comes to sticking with my boundaries.
I just want to wake up for this nightmare.
I also found more beer in his car that he drank on the way home from the airport.
I did detach tonight and went and read in another room.
I have no self control though when it comes to sticking with my boundaries.
I just want to wake up for this nightmare.
I also found more beer in his car that he drank on the way home from the airport.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: INDIANA
Posts: 39
If it were me I would be detaching also.
I have found I often detatch with anger. I detatch by ignoring and giving the silent treatment and completely cutting myslef off from the person. This has not worked for me when the alcoholic is still sharing a home with me. It has made me feel angrier and angrier (you could probably see steam comming out of my ears) and caused my husband to get angry with me as well.
In the spirit of a calm and serene home, for me, I have found I have to detatch with a huge dose of compassion. Reminding myself that yes, he has a disease and a choice to not treat that disease, but it is a disease none the less. Now mind you I do not carry this compassion too far, because then I cross the line into making excuses for the alcholic. I also have to make sure that my compassion does not make it all comfortable and cozy for my A to continue bad behavior. I refuse to do that.
Having compassion for him makes ME feel better inside. It keeps Me calm and makes Me better able to think clearly and figure out the next right thing to do for ME.
I have found I often detatch with anger. I detatch by ignoring and giving the silent treatment and completely cutting myslef off from the person. This has not worked for me when the alcoholic is still sharing a home with me. It has made me feel angrier and angrier (you could probably see steam comming out of my ears) and caused my husband to get angry with me as well.
In the spirit of a calm and serene home, for me, I have found I have to detatch with a huge dose of compassion. Reminding myself that yes, he has a disease and a choice to not treat that disease, but it is a disease none the less. Now mind you I do not carry this compassion too far, because then I cross the line into making excuses for the alcholic. I also have to make sure that my compassion does not make it all comfortable and cozy for my A to continue bad behavior. I refuse to do that.
Having compassion for him makes ME feel better inside. It keeps Me calm and makes Me better able to think clearly and figure out the next right thing to do for ME.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 588
I found it much easier to detach when I really, really, really realized that my AH would drink and would lie about it. Period. Expecting, or asking him, or eliciting a promise to do anything different was my folly. And if I truly accepted the fact that he would drink, and lie about it, I can decide my boundries based on fact.
I took great comfort from the statement "he's not drinking AT you, he's just drinking". I used to take such personal offense to his drinking and breaking of promises and lies about it. That statement allowed me to have compassion for him, and that helped with the detaching.
Another statement that helped me: "alcoholics are the best liars because they have to be". It made me realize that, in a way, he's not lying AT me, he's just lying to continue drinking. It's all part of the pattern "drink, deny, lie, drink, deny, lie...". I stopped asking questions if I would doubt I could believe the answer. (If he started to lie about other things, well, then we'd have a problem!)
In the meantime, I go to Alanon, I've reconnected with friends and I do what I want to do to keep happy. I no longer look for evidence of drinking, or how much, etc. and frankly, what a relief! I know alcoholism is progressive and I've taken on the attitude that I am creating today the life I would want to live regardless if he quits drinking or not. I used to be shutting down and focusing on him. Now I want to be opening up and focusing on me. If he quits, and our marriage revives, great! But I know this is unlikely and I am focusing on getting stronger and healthier for whatever happens down the road.
This is my experience, hope it helps.
I took great comfort from the statement "he's not drinking AT you, he's just drinking". I used to take such personal offense to his drinking and breaking of promises and lies about it. That statement allowed me to have compassion for him, and that helped with the detaching.
Another statement that helped me: "alcoholics are the best liars because they have to be". It made me realize that, in a way, he's not lying AT me, he's just lying to continue drinking. It's all part of the pattern "drink, deny, lie, drink, deny, lie...". I stopped asking questions if I would doubt I could believe the answer. (If he started to lie about other things, well, then we'd have a problem!)
In the meantime, I go to Alanon, I've reconnected with friends and I do what I want to do to keep happy. I no longer look for evidence of drinking, or how much, etc. and frankly, what a relief! I know alcoholism is progressive and I've taken on the attitude that I am creating today the life I would want to live regardless if he quits drinking or not. I used to be shutting down and focusing on him. Now I want to be opening up and focusing on me. If he quits, and our marriage revives, great! But I know this is unlikely and I am focusing on getting stronger and healthier for whatever happens down the road.
This is my experience, hope it helps.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
Originally Posted by Stlsunny12 
I have read codependent no more and reading the new codependency now.
I did detach tonight and went and read in another room.
I have no self control though when it comes to sticking with my boundaries.
I just want to wake up for this nightmare.
I also found more beer in his car that he drank on the way home from the airport.
I did detach tonight and went and read in another room.
I have no self control though when it comes to sticking with my boundaries.
I just want to wake up for this nightmare.
I also found more beer in his car that he drank on the way home from the airport.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 2,052
Some good responses here, especially around the difference between rules and boundaries. Active alcoholics, and it sounds like yours is, are not really capable of following either unless it suits their purposes, or if they are doing it temporarily to keep their enabler in line.
There is no scenario in which he'll stop drinking just because you ask him to, or get him to promise to do so. That needs to be your expectation. Of course he was drunk-- he's an alcoholic-- he's either drunk or thinking about when he can next be drunk all of the time. That's what they do. I'm so sorry.
If you really want to learn how to handle this situation, continue reading and posting here, but also get yourself to an Alanon meeting. Try at least six meetings, some different, before deciding if you'll continue. Otherwise you haven't really given it a chance, and you will know how really dedicated you are (or are not) to making your life better.
Good luck and take care,
Cyranoak
There is no scenario in which he'll stop drinking just because you ask him to, or get him to promise to do so. That needs to be your expectation. Of course he was drunk-- he's an alcoholic-- he's either drunk or thinking about when he can next be drunk all of the time. That's what they do. I'm so sorry.
If you really want to learn how to handle this situation, continue reading and posting here, but also get yourself to an Alanon meeting. Try at least six meetings, some different, before deciding if you'll continue. Otherwise you haven't really given it a chance, and you will know how really dedicated you are (or are not) to making your life better.
Good luck and take care,
Cyranoak
Journey To Me
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Kyle, Texas
Posts: 395
I know how difficult it is to feel that disappointment time after time. I agree with the others that the focus should be in your detachment. You are allowing his drinking to be your focus, which keeps you in this loop. Believing a promise that he would not be drinking is setting yourself up for disappointment. His focus is on the next drink, don't let yours be the same.
An interesting perspective I read from the AVRT thread is:
This perspective is interesting to me. It helps me stay in line with what addiction is, what it may feel like, and what to expect from an alcoholic's perspective.
An interesting perspective I read from the AVRT thread is:
Originally Posted by Terminally Unique
I realize that it is almost impossible to imagine substance addiction, since it really is completely illogical, but it is useful to realize that addiction is a perversion of legitimate survival drives.
The additive mandate can actually feel much stronger than legitimate survival drives, but if you try the following exercise, you'll come close to being able to visualize it.
Say to yourself:
"I will never eat again, and I will never change my mind."
Any thoughts, feelings, or imagery which support your future intake of food are your Addictive Voice, the emotional-cognitive expression of your Beast. Those thoughts and feelings belong to IT, the Beast, while all other thoughts belong to you. Your body should feel the terror and threat to its survival and will start talking back to you.
If you don't hear your AV immediately, you certainly will come dinner time.
The additive mandate can actually feel much stronger than legitimate survival drives, but if you try the following exercise, you'll come close to being able to visualize it.
Say to yourself:
"I will never eat again, and I will never change my mind."
Any thoughts, feelings, or imagery which support your future intake of food are your Addictive Voice, the emotional-cognitive expression of your Beast. Those thoughts and feelings belong to IT, the Beast, while all other thoughts belong to you. Your body should feel the terror and threat to its survival and will start talking back to you.
If you don't hear your AV immediately, you certainly will come dinner time.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: california
Posts: 44
same problem
Originally Posted by Stlsunny12
So my AH just came home from business trip and what do you know he was buzzed. He promised no drinking in this trip and again broke his promise.
Do I welcome him home or be upset that he's been drinking?
Do I welcome him home or be upset that he's been drinking?
mine has promised the moon..doesn't mean a thing until they admit and get help. I just didn't say anything about it..it doesn't help..makes him mad at me..and then i am upset. you didn't cause it..can't control it or cure it. It is what it is ..get help thru alanon or read all you can on this site and get strong..big hugs!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: Saint Louis, MO
Posts: 46
Originally Posted by msbelle57
I can relate to you..mine just got back from a business trip...wasnt home 10 mins said i am going for a beer and asked if I wanted one LOl..I said UH NO!
mine has promised the moon..doesn't mean a thing until they admit and get help. I just didn't say anything about it..it doesn't help..makes him mad at me..and then i am upset. you didn't cause it..can't control it or cure it. It is what it is ..get help thru alanon or read all you can on this site and get strong..big hugs!
mine has promised the moon..doesn't mean a thing until they admit and get help. I just didn't say anything about it..it doesn't help..makes him mad at me..and then i am upset. you didn't cause it..can't control it or cure it. It is what it is ..get help thru alanon or read all you can on this site and get strong..big hugs!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3,443
You don't trust them. Trust is for people that keep their promises and do what they say. An alcoholic is not capable of keeping their word about not drinking.
Alcoholics are high risk. They are at risk of jeopardizing careers, relationships, health, and home. Why? Because drinking comes before all of that. It isn't logical but it is what it is.
Alcoholics are high risk. They are at risk of jeopardizing careers, relationships, health, and home. Why? Because drinking comes before all of that. It isn't logical but it is what it is.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 86
My RAH (although not sure he's "R" so much anymore) makes promises all the time. He goes to his counseling sessions, yet he still drinks. He goes to AA too, yet he still drinks. It's confounding to me, but I detach when he drinks. I go to another room, read a book, do crafts I like to do, be good to myself and try my best to let him be. We have an agreement that I won't sleep with him if he is drunk. I've created some boundaries, let him suffer his consequences without enabling him. I try to let go and let my Higher Power take care of things. It's very hard to do, but after 2 years in Al-Anon, I've learned the tools necessary to keep myself sane.
When he makes his "promises", my response is usually "good luck with that". I do not believe anything he says - it's his actions that define his disease or recovery. I love my H when he's sober, he's a wonderful man. This disease has a real hold on him. In Al-Anon I've learned that I have no control over him, I cannot cure him. Only he can do the hard work to recover.
Try some Al-Anon meetings, you might find the peace and solice you need. This forum is a great place too. Take what you like and leave the rest. Good luck and God Bless!
When he makes his "promises", my response is usually "good luck with that". I do not believe anything he says - it's his actions that define his disease or recovery. I love my H when he's sober, he's a wonderful man. This disease has a real hold on him. In Al-Anon I've learned that I have no control over him, I cannot cure him. Only he can do the hard work to recover.
Try some Al-Anon meetings, you might find the peace and solice you need. This forum is a great place too. Take what you like and leave the rest. Good luck and God Bless!
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