today is the day
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Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 7
today is the day
I posted a few days ago about discovering that my husband (a recovering addict with 20 years clean before this) is taking much more vicodin and soma than I had realized. He has been out of town since Sunday and today is coming home.
Since I found the bottles (Sunday night) I have gone to 2 Al-anon meetings (never been before), obsessed over searching and digging and sleuthing to find out how much he has taken, obsessed over whether he was using while he is out of town, whether he will crash his car, whether he will cheat on me while high, whether he will admit the problem, how he will react, seriously considered drinking (I am also a recovering addict) but didn't, purchased and started reading Codependent No More, had a long talk with my dad and step-mom who are both Al-anon members of many years, realized how much I depend on this man and generally freaked out. I have let my job suffer this week, I have been so focused on him and on myself and all of the things that I wish I had done differently.
I am for sure going to continue going to Al-anon and figure out my own issues, of which I have many. I am going to get healthy no matter what, and I want my kids to see it and to be healthy themselves (I know we are raising little co-dependents; they're not so little anymore). This is what I think I will say to my husband when we have the chance to talk.
I really, really love him, and he has been my anchor through so much chaos with my family. I have always felt that I could depend on him no matter what to be stable, consistent, and to turn to when I was overwhelmed. As much as we may have our issues, and even trust issues with money, I felt like he was my emotional rock. I realize it is not healthy to depend on a person for this, but that is what I have done.
I have realized that he has gradually over the past year started taking more and more of his prescription pills. It has gotten to the point that I can not ignore it or deny it any longer. I see that he is getting refills more and more often. I see that our son's pills have all been taken. I see that the bottles and bags from the pharmacy are all hidden or put away, and nothing else of his gets put away; it lays all over the house.
This all tells me that there is a problem, and this terrifies me. I am not mad at him, I am not judging him, I am just plain terrified. I did not know him as an addict, but I do know that he was not the same person. He did things he would never do as a clean and sober person. He was sneaky, thieving, lying, and mean. I do not want to know that person. I love our life, our family, our house, and everything we have built together. I feel like that is all in jeopardy, and that is unacceptable to me.
I realize that I have a lot of issues, and I have started going to Al-anon meetings to work out my own issues. But I am unwilling to live with any mind-altering chemical use. I do not want any more mind-altering drugs, prescription or otherwise, in my home or my family.
Then I guess I will see what he says. I hope he agrees that there is a problem and agrees to quit, and we figure out how to recover and move on from here. Worst case is that he denies that there is a problem, and refuses to quit. In that case the conversation will end and I will have to take steps to protect our family - move some money to my own account, and then ask him to go stay with his dad. I don't want to make an account and move money ahead of time because I don't want to send the wrong message... if he takes all the money and runs (which I don't see happening) we'll figure something out. I have a good job, and we can make it work.
So... wish me luck. And any tips would be great!
Since I found the bottles (Sunday night) I have gone to 2 Al-anon meetings (never been before), obsessed over searching and digging and sleuthing to find out how much he has taken, obsessed over whether he was using while he is out of town, whether he will crash his car, whether he will cheat on me while high, whether he will admit the problem, how he will react, seriously considered drinking (I am also a recovering addict) but didn't, purchased and started reading Codependent No More, had a long talk with my dad and step-mom who are both Al-anon members of many years, realized how much I depend on this man and generally freaked out. I have let my job suffer this week, I have been so focused on him and on myself and all of the things that I wish I had done differently.
I am for sure going to continue going to Al-anon and figure out my own issues, of which I have many. I am going to get healthy no matter what, and I want my kids to see it and to be healthy themselves (I know we are raising little co-dependents; they're not so little anymore). This is what I think I will say to my husband when we have the chance to talk.
I really, really love him, and he has been my anchor through so much chaos with my family. I have always felt that I could depend on him no matter what to be stable, consistent, and to turn to when I was overwhelmed. As much as we may have our issues, and even trust issues with money, I felt like he was my emotional rock. I realize it is not healthy to depend on a person for this, but that is what I have done.
I have realized that he has gradually over the past year started taking more and more of his prescription pills. It has gotten to the point that I can not ignore it or deny it any longer. I see that he is getting refills more and more often. I see that our son's pills have all been taken. I see that the bottles and bags from the pharmacy are all hidden or put away, and nothing else of his gets put away; it lays all over the house.
This all tells me that there is a problem, and this terrifies me. I am not mad at him, I am not judging him, I am just plain terrified. I did not know him as an addict, but I do know that he was not the same person. He did things he would never do as a clean and sober person. He was sneaky, thieving, lying, and mean. I do not want to know that person. I love our life, our family, our house, and everything we have built together. I feel like that is all in jeopardy, and that is unacceptable to me.
I realize that I have a lot of issues, and I have started going to Al-anon meetings to work out my own issues. But I am unwilling to live with any mind-altering chemical use. I do not want any more mind-altering drugs, prescription or otherwise, in my home or my family.
Then I guess I will see what he says. I hope he agrees that there is a problem and agrees to quit, and we figure out how to recover and move on from here. Worst case is that he denies that there is a problem, and refuses to quit. In that case the conversation will end and I will have to take steps to protect our family - move some money to my own account, and then ask him to go stay with his dad. I don't want to make an account and move money ahead of time because I don't want to send the wrong message... if he takes all the money and runs (which I don't see happening) we'll figure something out. I have a good job, and we can make it work.
So... wish me luck. And any tips would be great!
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
Originally Posted by justsumchik 
I am unwilling to live with any mind-altering chemical use. I do not want any more mind-altering drugs, prescription or otherwise, in my home or my family.
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Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: massachusetts
Posts: 121
justsumchik,
It wasn't too long ago that I was in a position like yours. Except unlike you I do not make enough at my job to support me and my kids, pay a rent, bills, etc. I ended up losing my apartment, RABF took all our money, sold our belongings for drugs (our flatscreen TV being the most valuable). I think moving money into your own account is a smart idea. I opened my own account when I lost the apartment and that has helped immensely. You are very lucky that you are able to support your family without your husband's help. You and your family are is my prayers.
It wasn't too long ago that I was in a position like yours. Except unlike you I do not make enough at my job to support me and my kids, pay a rent, bills, etc. I ended up losing my apartment, RABF took all our money, sold our belongings for drugs (our flatscreen TV being the most valuable). I think moving money into your own account is a smart idea. I opened my own account when I lost the apartment and that has helped immensely. You are very lucky that you are able to support your family without your husband's help. You and your family are is my prayers.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 7
Thank you everyone. I did go ahead and set up a checking account in my own name today and moved $1000. If the conversation doesn't go well I can easily transfer more if I need to. I am glad that is taken care of.
Although I have a good job, we would certainly require a lifestyle shift to survive without DHs income; he still brings in half. But, I am so thankful that I am not financially dependent on anyone for survival. Particularly an addict or alcoholic. I am amazed at the strength of people like you, Hopeful!
Although I have a good job, we would certainly require a lifestyle shift to survive without DHs income; he still brings in half. But, I am so thankful that I am not financially dependent on anyone for survival. Particularly an addict or alcoholic. I am amazed at the strength of people like you, Hopeful!
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Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: Jacksonville
Posts: 59
Wow! Good job on acting so quickly!! I wish I would have. I have prayed about things for about 2 years and finally will be telling the kids tomorrow that me and their dad, my husband of 14 years will be separating. I kept giving him chances. Wish I would have be able to see more clearly sooner. Good luck and hoping he will do what he needs and it isn't as bad as it could be. My husband still works and is functional, but has not only been taking his pills, but when his doc cut him off, he is now seeking them out.
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Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 7
I turned into a complete basket case when I found the bottles. I haven't worked this week, been calling in sick, and have been so obsessive over it. I have had a lot of horrible things happen in my life over drugs - most recently my addicted (and mentally ill) little brother (23) committed suicide just a few months ago. I absolutely cannot handle any chaos in my home or I will not make it mentally.
The conversation went... well at first he was very minimizing. As the conversation progressed he finally admitted to using them for anxiety/stress rather than pain, and that he had been using them too much and that he had been hiding the bottles so I wouldn't know. He was very upset that I considered it a relapse (he has been clean/sober for 20 years) but I kept saying that was between him and God, and not me or anyone else. He did say there's no way he would go back to NA and admit to being a newcomer, but he's thinking about going to AA.
I had to admit to him that over the past few years when I go across the country for work (about once a year for a few days) I will sometimes have a drink with dinner. I probably shouldn't have done that in the same conversation because I thought it would make him feel better but it made him feel worse. He is a bit shocked by that still (if not for those yearly single drinks I would have almost 17 years clean/sober). I have realized they were a bad idea because I often sit and think about the next time I am away so I can have a drink, and this week while I was freaking out I *really* wanted to drink. But I told my dad and step-mom about it to provide me some accountability. Because that's the last thing my life needs right now! I felt like it was ok because it couldn't affect my family since I was so far away there was no way they could need me; I never got a buzz or remotely close to drunk, and I never had more than 1, and, and and.... lots of rationalizing.
Anyway, last night he was still a bit freaked out and I was feeling pretty disconnected and not thrilled by the end of the conversation. He kept insisting that those are the only things that help his pain and that he's tried everything else, and that he will go as long as he can without them but he will have to live in pain basically. But this morning he was awake when I woke up so I gave him a hug and he said, "Thank you." I said, "for what?" He said, "Last night." I said, "Thank you?" and he said, "I think you were right." And I just hugged him. I am so relieved, but yet still terrified. I am for sure continuing in Al-anon and probably some AA too. I hope he does too, and honestly I don't care if he claims to be a newcomer or oldtimer, or just doesn't mention time at all in meetings. I know that he and I know and that's all that matters right now.
I am still confused about the pills... whether he really does need them occasionally or whether there really is something else he can do. But I am not obsessing over it, and I am feeling relatively serene right now...
The conversation went... well at first he was very minimizing. As the conversation progressed he finally admitted to using them for anxiety/stress rather than pain, and that he had been using them too much and that he had been hiding the bottles so I wouldn't know. He was very upset that I considered it a relapse (he has been clean/sober for 20 years) but I kept saying that was between him and God, and not me or anyone else. He did say there's no way he would go back to NA and admit to being a newcomer, but he's thinking about going to AA.
I had to admit to him that over the past few years when I go across the country for work (about once a year for a few days) I will sometimes have a drink with dinner. I probably shouldn't have done that in the same conversation because I thought it would make him feel better but it made him feel worse. He is a bit shocked by that still (if not for those yearly single drinks I would have almost 17 years clean/sober). I have realized they were a bad idea because I often sit and think about the next time I am away so I can have a drink, and this week while I was freaking out I *really* wanted to drink. But I told my dad and step-mom about it to provide me some accountability. Because that's the last thing my life needs right now! I felt like it was ok because it couldn't affect my family since I was so far away there was no way they could need me; I never got a buzz or remotely close to drunk, and I never had more than 1, and, and and.... lots of rationalizing.
Anyway, last night he was still a bit freaked out and I was feeling pretty disconnected and not thrilled by the end of the conversation. He kept insisting that those are the only things that help his pain and that he's tried everything else, and that he will go as long as he can without them but he will have to live in pain basically. But this morning he was awake when I woke up so I gave him a hug and he said, "Thank you." I said, "for what?" He said, "Last night." I said, "Thank you?" and he said, "I think you were right." And I just hugged him. I am so relieved, but yet still terrified. I am for sure continuing in Al-anon and probably some AA too. I hope he does too, and honestly I don't care if he claims to be a newcomer or oldtimer, or just doesn't mention time at all in meetings. I know that he and I know and that's all that matters right now.
I am still confused about the pills... whether he really does need them occasionally or whether there really is something else he can do. But I am not obsessing over it, and I am feeling relatively serene right now...
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
I'm glad that things went well with your talk. Keep on going to those meetings. They do help. I get some tidbit of useful information or food for thought at every meeting.
Serenity feels much better than obsession or chaos, doesn't it?
gentle hugs
ke
Serenity feels much better than obsession or chaos, doesn't it?
gentle hugs
ke
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