Loving Validation & Tolerance
Digitally Remastered
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: Samsara
Posts: 102
Loving Validation & Tolerance
I've been able to get loving validation of my being an ACoA from my sponsor and a friend in this forum. I am grateful for them in my life. That, alone, especially in being a complete newcomer to this has helped *trimmensely.*
Sometimes, in a couple of experiences with some Al-Anons [or like-minded individuals], they have gotten *so healthy* that they seem to have forgotten what it was like to be a sick and lost newcomer; or in the least, the understanding and familial compassion that was supposed to have brought us together in the first place has been lost on me.
I have been through the power posts of ACoA and so far I have identified my symptomology and read the Promises, etc... But in my first couple of posts here, to introduce myself, get my feet wet, seek help, feeling lost & alone, and after stating I was new to this... I didn't feel much too encouraged.
But in my own program of recovery I have learned tolerance to be a part of my life and to adopt the principle that we're all just people trying to get better...with some of us being sicker than others during certain trying times.
I do appreciate the people who are encouraging and supportive of me when I am feeling particularly sick on some day. It really makes for a usefully whole and happy life when I can make the claim I have such people surrounding me.
Tomorrow may be different, but today I am gaving a basically good day irrespective of an alcoholic (non recovery oriented family member dad) and an ACoA (non recovery oriented family member mom) fighting and yelling. They started going at it last night.
Like I said a couple paragraphs back... Today, at least, I can be tolerant of the manifestations of their sickness and give unconditional love during this, but I wholly believe it's because I am okay with myself today... ie, My spiritual condition today is A-Okay. I got shaken up there a week or so back but I'm back on track [ right now ]. Happy Vacation!
Thanks,
Digits
Sometimes, in a couple of experiences with some Al-Anons [or like-minded individuals], they have gotten *so healthy* that they seem to have forgotten what it was like to be a sick and lost newcomer; or in the least, the understanding and familial compassion that was supposed to have brought us together in the first place has been lost on me.
I have been through the power posts of ACoA and so far I have identified my symptomology and read the Promises, etc... But in my first couple of posts here, to introduce myself, get my feet wet, seek help, feeling lost & alone, and after stating I was new to this... I didn't feel much too encouraged.
But in my own program of recovery I have learned tolerance to be a part of my life and to adopt the principle that we're all just people trying to get better...with some of us being sicker than others during certain trying times.
I do appreciate the people who are encouraging and supportive of me when I am feeling particularly sick on some day. It really makes for a usefully whole and happy life when I can make the claim I have such people surrounding me.
Tomorrow may be different, but today I am gaving a basically good day irrespective of an alcoholic (non recovery oriented family member dad) and an ACoA (non recovery oriented family member mom) fighting and yelling. They started going at it last night.
Like I said a couple paragraphs back... Today, at least, I can be tolerant of the manifestations of their sickness and give unconditional love during this, but I wholly believe it's because I am okay with myself today... ie, My spiritual condition today is A-Okay. I got shaken up there a week or so back but I'm back on track [ right now ]. Happy Vacation!
Thanks,
Digits
Supply Manager
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Cleaverville
Posts: 2,898
Digits,
So are you saying you are not having a good experience here? If that is the case I am so sorry for that. But your post reminds me not to forget where I come from when responding to newcomers.
That being said, we create our own experience. If there is someone who is "so recovered" that they forget how sick they were then that is someone whom you do not want to become close to. I know that in the beginning I had a sponsor who was very loving and gentle and that is not always what I needed. Sometimes I needed a plain ol' kick in the pants. Those kicks came from people who were very very confident in their recovery. For me that was not a bad thing.
Have you been to an ACoA meeting? You are obviously familiar with the 12 steps and the need for face to face contact. Personally I have managed to work through adult child issues in my original program which is alanon. I try to be gentle with myself while vigilant. My HP has a way of bringing feelings and experiences to the fore when I am ready. Most recently those feelings have involved my adult child issues. Those same steps that help me find peace in my immediate crisis are helping my find peace with the past and the rather dull present.
Those symptoms you speak of were shocking to me when I read them...hindsite is 20/20. This thing that I found most shocking is my lack of control when I thought I was calling the shots in my life all along.
Oh well...does this make ANY sense??
JT
So are you saying you are not having a good experience here? If that is the case I am so sorry for that. But your post reminds me not to forget where I come from when responding to newcomers.
That being said, we create our own experience. If there is someone who is "so recovered" that they forget how sick they were then that is someone whom you do not want to become close to. I know that in the beginning I had a sponsor who was very loving and gentle and that is not always what I needed. Sometimes I needed a plain ol' kick in the pants. Those kicks came from people who were very very confident in their recovery. For me that was not a bad thing.
Have you been to an ACoA meeting? You are obviously familiar with the 12 steps and the need for face to face contact. Personally I have managed to work through adult child issues in my original program which is alanon. I try to be gentle with myself while vigilant. My HP has a way of bringing feelings and experiences to the fore when I am ready. Most recently those feelings have involved my adult child issues. Those same steps that help me find peace in my immediate crisis are helping my find peace with the past and the rather dull present.
Those symptoms you speak of were shocking to me when I read them...hindsite is 20/20. This thing that I found most shocking is my lack of control when I thought I was calling the shots in my life all along.
Oh well...does this make ANY sense??
JT
Digitally Remastered
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: Samsara
Posts: 102
What I am saying is that I am very very confused. I feel like a compass that prefers spinning rather than pointing North... I am confused over Al-Anon and ACoA.'s...
I am even confused about myself now at this point, pertaining to the symptomology. I always thought I was the normal middle of the road, garden variety alcoholic and to see all this slapping me in my face is hard to swallow. "Those symptoms you speak of were shocking to me when I read them...hindsite is 20/20." I mimic that sentiment, 100%.
I guess...I always thought of my Mom as an Al-Anon cause she married my dad [an alcoholic] then another man later who is an alcoholic...With this information, my inner child so to speak, was able to appropriately blame her for my *never having a chance* at being a normal kid. But then to discover that it wasn't a pipe dream and is REALLY a real LIVE pathology within the dynamics of a family...COUPLED with, she's no longer *just the enabling al-anon* but she, too, never had a chance as SHE is an ACoA TOO.
Basically, Just Tired, my blame game has ended. It's now gotten me into a circle of where to start and where to stop and I have no idea how even to begin to process this all. NOW I'm crying so I must be getting really honest....BUT it's always been really safe for me to be able to have beginning points and ending points and I have lost them with this realization.
I could explain away my Alcoholism with the disease concept and KNOW that if I don't pick up the first drink I will ALWAYS be okay. WHAT THE HE11 do I do with this?!? I don't know! I have no idea and I am lost.
I haven't been to any ACoA meetings but my sponsor wants me to start Al-Anon when I get back...as I will have had a year of sobriety but frankly, I am scared of being around those people. I guess I am threatened by the ones I was speaking of who are *so recovered* they think they have all the answers. One of their answers one time had me put into a position that because I was getting verbally abused by a drunk relative I should go back to that relative and *be honest with my feelings?* ARE YOU FREAKING kidding me?
I am SUCH an emotional mess when it comes to MOST of my relatives [and all of my alcoholic abusive ones] I think I'd faint and then have a heart attack the minute I managed to squeak out, "Can I talk to you?"
Thank God my sponsor came back from her trip and I ran it past her... She couldn't believe this oldtimer had suggested this to me. But I proved it with her handwriting on my inventory. Haha...
No, I was not enjoying my time here but it is because I am lost, am new, and very confused. When I don't know which way is up and words come out like jumbled stuff I do not like it. I am good at working my AA program but this stuff is different. (I was exposed to my own alcoholic program 16 years ago when I tried recovery...so AA's always been a part of my life in one way or another.) THIS is brand new & I am threatened by it.
PLUS my perception of Al-Anon's and ACoA's...are they similar? I always have thought that Al-Anon's were mean and doesn't that sound childish? But it's honest and probably because my Mom acts like a dry drunk sometimes and I always thought of her as an Al-Anon....But, again, to now think of her, too, as an ACoA.
Even now, with this post, I feel like I am pretending to be an adult...when what I really want to do is use words like *mean* and *evil* and *not fair* and *yelling at me* and *why me* and *that's not right* and *bullcrap* and *help* and *why did she do this to me?* and *what about my sister* and etc....
I appreciate your taking some time to validate the feelings I had in those *so recovered* people... I try so hard to make things fit sometimes, and I am also very willing to change things and try new things that I forget people are fallable.
Yours made sense, Just Tired. The challenging question may be: "Does mine?"
Thank you,
Digits
I am even confused about myself now at this point, pertaining to the symptomology. I always thought I was the normal middle of the road, garden variety alcoholic and to see all this slapping me in my face is hard to swallow. "Those symptoms you speak of were shocking to me when I read them...hindsite is 20/20." I mimic that sentiment, 100%.
I guess...I always thought of my Mom as an Al-Anon cause she married my dad [an alcoholic] then another man later who is an alcoholic...With this information, my inner child so to speak, was able to appropriately blame her for my *never having a chance* at being a normal kid. But then to discover that it wasn't a pipe dream and is REALLY a real LIVE pathology within the dynamics of a family...COUPLED with, she's no longer *just the enabling al-anon* but she, too, never had a chance as SHE is an ACoA TOO.
Basically, Just Tired, my blame game has ended. It's now gotten me into a circle of where to start and where to stop and I have no idea how even to begin to process this all. NOW I'm crying so I must be getting really honest....BUT it's always been really safe for me to be able to have beginning points and ending points and I have lost them with this realization.
I could explain away my Alcoholism with the disease concept and KNOW that if I don't pick up the first drink I will ALWAYS be okay. WHAT THE HE11 do I do with this?!? I don't know! I have no idea and I am lost.
I haven't been to any ACoA meetings but my sponsor wants me to start Al-Anon when I get back...as I will have had a year of sobriety but frankly, I am scared of being around those people. I guess I am threatened by the ones I was speaking of who are *so recovered* they think they have all the answers. One of their answers one time had me put into a position that because I was getting verbally abused by a drunk relative I should go back to that relative and *be honest with my feelings?* ARE YOU FREAKING kidding me?
I am SUCH an emotional mess when it comes to MOST of my relatives [and all of my alcoholic abusive ones] I think I'd faint and then have a heart attack the minute I managed to squeak out, "Can I talk to you?"
Thank God my sponsor came back from her trip and I ran it past her... She couldn't believe this oldtimer had suggested this to me. But I proved it with her handwriting on my inventory. Haha...
No, I was not enjoying my time here but it is because I am lost, am new, and very confused. When I don't know which way is up and words come out like jumbled stuff I do not like it. I am good at working my AA program but this stuff is different. (I was exposed to my own alcoholic program 16 years ago when I tried recovery...so AA's always been a part of my life in one way or another.) THIS is brand new & I am threatened by it.
PLUS my perception of Al-Anon's and ACoA's...are they similar? I always have thought that Al-Anon's were mean and doesn't that sound childish? But it's honest and probably because my Mom acts like a dry drunk sometimes and I always thought of her as an Al-Anon....But, again, to now think of her, too, as an ACoA.
Even now, with this post, I feel like I am pretending to be an adult...when what I really want to do is use words like *mean* and *evil* and *not fair* and *yelling at me* and *why me* and *that's not right* and *bullcrap* and *help* and *why did she do this to me?* and *what about my sister* and etc....
I appreciate your taking some time to validate the feelings I had in those *so recovered* people... I try so hard to make things fit sometimes, and I am also very willing to change things and try new things that I forget people are fallable.
Yours made sense, Just Tired. The challenging question may be: "Does mine?"
Thank you,
Digits
Supply Manager
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Cleaverville
Posts: 2,898
Digits...this is suppose to be gentle journey. Not without tears but gentle all the same. Has it occured to you that you are not ready to go this way?? I have been in recovery for something upwards of 10 years and I am just now getting around to my family of origin. I used to try to read books about this stuff and I would end up sobbing. I would spend more time recalling my own faults in parenting than looking at my childhood.
I have stopped and started alot of times and I still have to back away. When this forum (ACoA) was begun alot of the people who are around here regularly expressed distress at this subject. One more time you are not alone!
There is no destination and there is no timeline. There is no graduation...if it hurts maybe you aren't ready.
Hugs,
JT
I have stopped and started alot of times and I still have to back away. When this forum (ACoA) was begun alot of the people who are around here regularly expressed distress at this subject. One more time you are not alone!
There is no destination and there is no timeline. There is no graduation...if it hurts maybe you aren't ready.
Hugs,
JT
Digitally Remastered
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: Samsara
Posts: 102
JT... "Gentle journey" ... I like that. That feels right. Also feels good to know, once again, I am not alone. I guess I am behaving normally after all... like you said, when you first started you'd end up sobbing. I am at that point. I need to let it absorb into me before I go in with much confused vigor. It's nice to know that yes, you're right - it IS a journey and that means - in my time - when I am ready and that I have no timeline to keep.
Like my AA steps have gently let me know when it was time for the next step, I am confident I will know when it's okay for me to progress into this phase of my development. Once again, I go expecting more of me than I am able to sanely give.
******{HUGZ JT}}}}
Thank you.
Love,
Digits
Like my AA steps have gently let me know when it was time for the next step, I am confident I will know when it's okay for me to progress into this phase of my development. Once again, I go expecting more of me than I am able to sanely give.
******{HUGZ JT}}}}
Thank you.
Love,
Digits
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
