Helping a parent and helping myself?
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Helping a parent and helping myself?
Hi everyone. My name is Delia, and I'm an alcoholic. I have been sober and working the steps for 3 weeks.
I am posting in this forum because I am the adult child of two alcoholics. I've always known that my dad was an alcoholic, but I only recently realized that my mom is suffering from advanced alcoholism. She has been hiding drinks, drinking in secret, isolating herself and lying to all of us for years. She has many of the signs, but somehow I missed them. She is 76 years old and has other health problems, too.
Anyway, finding out about my mom prompted me to address my own problems with alcohol. I am trying to heal and do things differently. For real, this time. MEanwhile, one of my siblings is on fixated on the idea that we need to stage an intervention with my mom. She keeps contacting me about it. I am confused about how to protect myself and my recovery while also doing my duty as a daughter. We all live far away, and my mother is deeply in denial. I have always been something of the favored child in my family and tried to take care of my parents. I'm 42 and linked to them in all kinds of unhealthy ways.... yeah, so, I just have no idea what to do or how to prioritize.
In sum: I'm facing my own alcoholism and my problems as an ACOA. Meanwhile, I am feeling pressured by circumstances (and by my siblings) to solve my mother's problems. Any advice would be appreciated.
D
I am posting in this forum because I am the adult child of two alcoholics. I've always known that my dad was an alcoholic, but I only recently realized that my mom is suffering from advanced alcoholism. She has been hiding drinks, drinking in secret, isolating herself and lying to all of us for years. She has many of the signs, but somehow I missed them. She is 76 years old and has other health problems, too.
Anyway, finding out about my mom prompted me to address my own problems with alcohol. I am trying to heal and do things differently. For real, this time. MEanwhile, one of my siblings is on fixated on the idea that we need to stage an intervention with my mom. She keeps contacting me about it. I am confused about how to protect myself and my recovery while also doing my duty as a daughter. We all live far away, and my mother is deeply in denial. I have always been something of the favored child in my family and tried to take care of my parents. I'm 42 and linked to them in all kinds of unhealthy ways.... yeah, so, I just have no idea what to do or how to prioritize.
In sum: I'm facing my own alcoholism and my problems as an ACOA. Meanwhile, I am feeling pressured by circumstances (and by my siblings) to solve my mother's problems. Any advice would be appreciated.
D
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Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Columbia MO
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Delia welcome to you, so glad you are on the right road, I hope you make it.
I'm 49 and my mom has been an alcoholic for over 40 years, she has been in intensive care twice in the last 18 months, she is destroying her heart muscle with alcohol.
I cannot fix her, she does not care what I or anyone else thinks, she ignores her doctors.
Please concentrate on yourself.
Your sibling cannot really believe that you can work on your own recovery and stage an intervention at the same time, is your sib attending al-anon, maybe that would give them a better perspective.
Please come back often and let us know how you are doing, I will be rooting for your ongoing success.
Peace be with you.
Bill
I'm 49 and my mom has been an alcoholic for over 40 years, she has been in intensive care twice in the last 18 months, she is destroying her heart muscle with alcohol.
I cannot fix her, she does not care what I or anyone else thinks, she ignores her doctors.
Please concentrate on yourself.
Your sibling cannot really believe that you can work on your own recovery and stage an intervention at the same time, is your sib attending al-anon, maybe that would give them a better perspective.
Please come back often and let us know how you are doing, I will be rooting for your ongoing success.
Peace be with you.
Bill
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Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Under the Rainbow
Posts: 1,086
I'm facing my own alcoholism and my problems as an ACOA. Meanwhile, I am feeling pressured by circumstances (and by my siblings) to solve my mother's problems.
So the real question is: whose issues are more important to you for you to spend your energies on? Yours or your mother's? Seems your mother has had opportunity in the past and has *chosen* not to pursue any sort of recovery. Meanwhile you have chosen recovery.
So where is energy best spent? I would say energy is best spent on the person trying to make a change, not the person who doesn't want to change.
If your siblings want to do an intervention, THEY can do an intervention. They'll most likely get the same outcome whether you're with them or not.
Meanwhile, you have the rest of your life to worry about. The rest of your mom's life is your mom's responsibility.
Maybe that's harsh, but lately I've been feeling less and less tolerant of people trying to convince other people that somehow, if we'd all just do what one person tells us to do, the world will become a magical place of rainbows and unicorns. Focus on you and you can make your life peaceful. Focus on your mom and you'll be stuck in chaos until she dies.
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Join Date: Sep 2011
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Thank you both.
I think you are quite right. Focusing on recovery is what I need to do.
I must say, the first time I read the traits of Adult Children of Alcoholics, I was just blown away. That's me. I know everyone says that, so it feels like something of a cliche...but it is nonetheless true. To see that it is me...is both relieving and overwhelming. Now I know that I have a lot of work to do. And I don't always know where to begin. But I am trying. And, as ever, it is good to know that I am not alone.
Thanks.
I think you are quite right. Focusing on recovery is what I need to do.
I must say, the first time I read the traits of Adult Children of Alcoholics, I was just blown away. That's me. I know everyone says that, so it feels like something of a cliche...but it is nonetheless true. To see that it is me...is both relieving and overwhelming. Now I know that I have a lot of work to do. And I don't always know where to begin. But I am trying. And, as ever, it is good to know that I am not alone.
Thanks.
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Originally Posted by DeliaMarie 
Focusing on recovery is what I need to do.
My dad is an untreated ACOA, and is a very rigid person, along with being a workaholic. My mother is an untreated severe codependent, and I have learned they have the right to live as they see fit. I can't help either one of them.
When I read the traits of ACOAs, I couldn't believe how much applied to me too, but then I qualify because I came from a dysfunctional environment.
Keep doing what you are doing for yourself, and please keep posting. Sending you hugs of support!
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Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Under the Rainbow
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And I don't always know where to begin.
Using the house cleaning metaphor - you go into your bathroom and realize the sink is kind of disgusting, so you clean the sink. The sink won't stay clean forever, but you clean it for now because right now it's making you nuts looking at it. Then, as you're putting away the stuff from cleaning the sink, you walk past your bedroom and realize it's been over a month since you washed your sheets, so you grab them and stuff them into the washing machine. On the way to the washing machine, you realize that the kitchen counters are embarassingly yucky. So after you stick the sheets in the washer, you go wipe down the kitchen counters.
Each thing you address in your recovery is one bit closer to being at peace and one bit closer to feeling like you're in control of your life rather than other's controlling you. Even if it seems random, any progress is progress. AlAnon gives some structure to the recovery process (along with other things it provides), but as long as you continue to work on you, then you're doing it "right".
If you look at the entirety of recovery, it can be overwhelming. My "first step" was to learn how to take things one day at a time, and not look beyond today. I actually learned this from my dog, not AlAnon. If something, right now, is getting to me, then I attempt to find a new way of working with it. I also have a therapist who helps me with things I can't work through on my own, but I always try it myself first - by trying to work it myself first, it makes me have to think outside of my old ingrained patterns. Even if I don't come to any solutions that way, the exercise of breaking away from unhealthy thought processes is still a good one.
My 0.02.
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Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 101
We were planning an intervention with my Mom and my family made the decision we could only do it on a New Years day - which was absurd because you cannot find any interventionist who will work on that day (was left up to me and did not find any - what a surprise - but wasted my time and was desperate that was the only day my family would do this). It never happened.
We did get her hospitalized for a week and we had counseling as a family and instead of addressing issues about our family - one family member started on their issues only and used up our whole precious hour of a family counseling. There were no forums like this so I did not know what to do - just sat there like the rest of my siblings saying very little.
She went right back to drinking and we never got an intervention done at all nor family cousneling.
On the intervention shows on tv thought I once noticed one family member who could not attend opted to write a letter telling the person how the drinking had affected them - you might choose that - but you have not obligation to be the 'doer' of this intervention and don't let them guilt you in that mode.
Work on your recovery now.
At most a letter and at your option to do so.
We did get her hospitalized for a week and we had counseling as a family and instead of addressing issues about our family - one family member started on their issues only and used up our whole precious hour of a family counseling. There were no forums like this so I did not know what to do - just sat there like the rest of my siblings saying very little.
She went right back to drinking and we never got an intervention done at all nor family cousneling.
On the intervention shows on tv thought I once noticed one family member who could not attend opted to write a letter telling the person how the drinking had affected them - you might choose that - but you have not obligation to be the 'doer' of this intervention and don't let them guilt you in that mode.
Work on your recovery now.
At most a letter and at your option to do so.
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Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 12
Everybody, thanks for the input. I have put my own recovery first as I walk onward toward 30 days of sobriety. It feels good, overall, though my anxiety is spiking. Big time. Which I understand to be common.
Anyway, on the topic of my family, I don't think my mother OR father are in the least bit receptive to help, which is another reason why I just don't know if I want anything to do with it. I try to push them out of my mind, but then my mom falls and hurts herself (and I know its alcohol) or one of them sends me some heart-wrenching email, perfectly designed to depress and emotionally manipulate me. Most of my other siblings have completely detached.
Eh.
I won't continue to write, since at the moment, the whole topic just fills me with darkness of spirit.
One interesting thing, related to the anxiety...I've always had it, and I know it fueled my drinking. It seems like an almost essential part of me, a sense of constant, placeless fear. Is this a common trait in ACOAs? I had my first terrors of this type when I was around 6 or 7. I was scared to death of my dad and how he treated my mom, how I feared he would treat me. And my mother would talk to me about her misery in her marriage. At 7 yrs. No wonder, I guess, that I'm depressed and fearful. But this is how I'm trying to look at it now: Like it or not, the fear is a part of me, and at least when I'm sober, I'm more authentically myself, even if I am afraid and miserable.
I'm terrified of anger, too. I'm in a relationship where everytime my husband expresses anger, I feel totally victimized. And I still, after all these years, can't figure out if that's my past talking or a real symptom of my present.
Anyway. That's all. I feel all knotted up and wretched tonight, but I know it will pass. Thank you for listening.
Anyway, on the topic of my family, I don't think my mother OR father are in the least bit receptive to help, which is another reason why I just don't know if I want anything to do with it. I try to push them out of my mind, but then my mom falls and hurts herself (and I know its alcohol) or one of them sends me some heart-wrenching email, perfectly designed to depress and emotionally manipulate me. Most of my other siblings have completely detached.
Eh.
I won't continue to write, since at the moment, the whole topic just fills me with darkness of spirit.
One interesting thing, related to the anxiety...I've always had it, and I know it fueled my drinking. It seems like an almost essential part of me, a sense of constant, placeless fear. Is this a common trait in ACOAs? I had my first terrors of this type when I was around 6 or 7. I was scared to death of my dad and how he treated my mom, how I feared he would treat me. And my mother would talk to me about her misery in her marriage. At 7 yrs. No wonder, I guess, that I'm depressed and fearful. But this is how I'm trying to look at it now: Like it or not, the fear is a part of me, and at least when I'm sober, I'm more authentically myself, even if I am afraid and miserable.
I'm terrified of anger, too. I'm in a relationship where everytime my husband expresses anger, I feel totally victimized. And I still, after all these years, can't figure out if that's my past talking or a real symptom of my present.
Anyway. That's all. I feel all knotted up and wretched tonight, but I know it will pass. Thank you for listening.
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Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 101
With your sobriety being very important now and you being more sensitive to the same distressing situation are you limiting or going no contact at least now?
I would change email or immediately delete emails - or have someone else do it - I know how tempting it is to read them. And how are you finding out about the falls. I would find out by still visiting and notice bruises on my Mom or would hear about a horrible fall when calling to check on them. Why did I put myself through all of that. It was awful and everything I tried to do did nothing to stop it at all. And like you my siblings were going on about their business.
It is awful. You are going to feel bad about it anyway but with keeping sobriety you have to be strict.
Make sure you check out some tips on how people use exercise or deep breathing to help with the stress - there might be some stickies about that - but anxiety is to be expected when coming off alcohol.
I would change email or immediately delete emails - or have someone else do it - I know how tempting it is to read them. And how are you finding out about the falls. I would find out by still visiting and notice bruises on my Mom or would hear about a horrible fall when calling to check on them. Why did I put myself through all of that. It was awful and everything I tried to do did nothing to stop it at all. And like you my siblings were going on about their business.
It is awful. You are going to feel bad about it anyway but with keeping sobriety you have to be strict.
Make sure you check out some tips on how people use exercise or deep breathing to help with the stress - there might be some stickies about that - but anxiety is to be expected when coming off alcohol.
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Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Houston, TX
Posts: 2,126
Hey DeliaMarie ----
You've gotten some great info and suggestions so far here, and I'm not going to add to them at the moment. I do, however, want to address one thing you wrote in your original post.................:
"...I am confused about how to protect myself and my recovery while also doing my duty as a daughter..."
I especially want to address the last part of this sentence; the 'duty as a daughter' part. Yes, there may be 'legal' (some may even see some 'moral') duties as a parent; however, there are no 'legal' duties as a daughter, and many might say that there are no 'moral' duties as a daughter either.
When I was new in my own recovery, I took the MMPI (the Minnesota Multiphasic Personality Inventory). The social worker, who was going over the Psychologist's summary with me, decided to add her own interpretation into the mix; she told me that I had some 'deep-seated' issues with my father (who had died some 15 years earlier). When I asked where she got this idea, she told me of how I had consistently filled in descriptions of my father as to his being an a*****e. I, right then and there, decided that she needed a wee bit of educatin' on this matter herself. .....'n so I told her, "There a lot of a*****es in this world, and unfortunately, by 'an accident of birth,' some of them are our relatives."
So, I'm tellin' ya, DeliaMaria, that you can unburden yourself of that weight of that 'daughter duty' right now. You are free to pick it up again at any time in the future, but for now, you'll have all you can deal with; your duty to yourself.......your recovery.....
You just keep on trudgin' that happy road of destiny.....
(o:
NoelleR
You've gotten some great info and suggestions so far here, and I'm not going to add to them at the moment. I do, however, want to address one thing you wrote in your original post.................:
"...I am confused about how to protect myself and my recovery while also doing my duty as a daughter..."
I especially want to address the last part of this sentence; the 'duty as a daughter' part. Yes, there may be 'legal' (some may even see some 'moral') duties as a parent; however, there are no 'legal' duties as a daughter, and many might say that there are no 'moral' duties as a daughter either.
When I was new in my own recovery, I took the MMPI (the Minnesota Multiphasic Personality Inventory). The social worker, who was going over the Psychologist's summary with me, decided to add her own interpretation into the mix; she told me that I had some 'deep-seated' issues with my father (who had died some 15 years earlier). When I asked where she got this idea, she told me of how I had consistently filled in descriptions of my father as to his being an a*****e. I, right then and there, decided that she needed a wee bit of educatin' on this matter herself. .....'n so I told her, "There a lot of a*****es in this world, and unfortunately, by 'an accident of birth,' some of them are our relatives."
So, I'm tellin' ya, DeliaMaria, that you can unburden yourself of that weight of that 'daughter duty' right now. You are free to pick it up again at any time in the future, but for now, you'll have all you can deal with; your duty to yourself.......your recovery.....
You just keep on trudgin' that happy road of destiny.....
(o:
NoelleR
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Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Under the Rainbow
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Delia, If I'm reading this correctly, then you should be at (or really close to) 4 weeks sober. That's fantastic!
I've been sober for around 15 years now. The first 6 months are the worst. The first month sucks like a black hole. I'm not at all surprised that you're having anxiety issues. You're asking yourself to give up the ONE coping mechanism that you knew worked with your anxiety. Then, as you experience anxiety, you're telling yourself that you can't use that one tool that worked (unhealthy, but still worked). Of course you're going to be anxious.
I saw a psychiatrist finally several years after I'd been sober. Guess what? They have some lovely drugs that really clamp the anxiety levels down. I've been on them for years, at the same dosage. I don't really feel any different, just less anxious. The psychiatrist I saw described it as "feeling just like yourself, only slightly less so" which I think is the perfect description.
Oh, I still get anxious, but it's not outrageously out of proportion to the circumstance. Life can throw curve balls that *should* make us anxious. The problems arise when the anxiety is out of proportion to the stimuli.
If you have health insurance, you may want to look into a psychiatrist and medication - even if it's only short term. There are a lot of studies out there that are showing that short term use of anti-anxiety/anti-depressants can help people dramatically and it also improves their physical health since they aren't in a constant adrenaline rush.
Please don't take this the wrong way, I certainly don't mean to trade one addiction for another. But I can tell you that once I got the "floating anxiety" type stuff dampened down by my meds? The rest of the true anxiety I could handle and my work towards recovery was much faster and easier since I wasn't also having to handle/be dogged by the other anxiety.
I've been sober for around 15 years now. The first 6 months are the worst. The first month sucks like a black hole. I'm not at all surprised that you're having anxiety issues. You're asking yourself to give up the ONE coping mechanism that you knew worked with your anxiety. Then, as you experience anxiety, you're telling yourself that you can't use that one tool that worked (unhealthy, but still worked). Of course you're going to be anxious.
I saw a psychiatrist finally several years after I'd been sober. Guess what? They have some lovely drugs that really clamp the anxiety levels down. I've been on them for years, at the same dosage. I don't really feel any different, just less anxious. The psychiatrist I saw described it as "feeling just like yourself, only slightly less so" which I think is the perfect description.
Oh, I still get anxious, but it's not outrageously out of proportion to the circumstance. Life can throw curve balls that *should* make us anxious. The problems arise when the anxiety is out of proportion to the stimuli.
If you have health insurance, you may want to look into a psychiatrist and medication - even if it's only short term. There are a lot of studies out there that are showing that short term use of anti-anxiety/anti-depressants can help people dramatically and it also improves their physical health since they aren't in a constant adrenaline rush.
Please don't take this the wrong way, I certainly don't mean to trade one addiction for another. But I can tell you that once I got the "floating anxiety" type stuff dampened down by my meds? The rest of the true anxiety I could handle and my work towards recovery was much faster and easier since I wasn't also having to handle/be dogged by the other anxiety.
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Originally Posted by DeliaMarie
Thank you both.
I think you are quite right. Focusing on recovery is what I need to do.
I must say, the first time I read the traits of Adult Children of Alcoholics, I was just blown away. That's me. I know everyone says that, so it feels like something of a cliche...but it is nonetheless true. To see that it is me...is both relieving and overwhelming. Now I know that I have a lot of work to do. And I don't always know where to begin. But I am trying. And, as ever, it is good to know that I am not alone.
Thanks.
I think you are quite right. Focusing on recovery is what I need to do.
I must say, the first time I read the traits of Adult Children of Alcoholics, I was just blown away. That's me. I know everyone says that, so it feels like something of a cliche...but it is nonetheless true. To see that it is me...is both relieving and overwhelming. Now I know that I have a lot of work to do. And I don't always know where to begin. But I am trying. And, as ever, it is good to know that I am not alone.
Thanks.
I was blown away reading the book "Under the Influence" Most of the beginning parts were totally me.
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Where do I go to read the traits of Adult Children of Alcoholics?
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