velmaT

Hello, I am a 30-something wife and mom who has recently come to terms with the fact that I will probably never be able to drink alcohol (or partake in any kind of recreational substance, for that matter) in a moderate fashion.

A little background: When my husband and I first met, we were both into smoking marijuana and drinking, but at that point, I don't think it controlled either of our lives. After about a year of being married, we were smoking weed 4-5+ times a day: Upon waking, lunch breaks, through the evening after work. We were both "high functioning," but admittedly miserable. Each time we tried to quit or cut back, we'd replace the habit with drinking. We constantly vacillated between marijuana and alcohol until we joined and got really involved in a place of worship that inspired us to live clean and seek some higher purpose than being physically high all the time. With the exception of 1 weekend of heavy drinking a couple years after getting sober, we were completely sober for 7 years!......Then we started drinking again 2 years ago.

It started out with us rationalizing that we are older and wiser now, and probably wouldn't "over-do" it like we used to when in our younger partying days. "What's wrong with unwinding with a glass of wine or a couple of beers?", we thought.

"Unwinding" quickly turned into me drinking a little more than half of a fifth of whiskey and a couple of beers as a chaser about 5 nights of the week. My husband normally has one or two less drinks than I do. He seems to have more control than I have - I don't think he would drink nearly as much if he wasn't trying to keep up with me. Part of how I rationalized the heavy drinking is that most of the time, my preschool-age daughter is in bed by the time I even pour my first drink. (Although, in the last few months I have been drinking around her more than I used to) :/ I've definitely had days here and there when I start early. **{sigh}}

Every now and then, my husband and I will back off the drinking for a few days or even a week and we'll tell ourselves that we are going to reserve drinking for weekends only...but that rule never lasts.

I started smoking weed again several months ago, but quickly realized that I have even less control with it than I do with alcohol, so I stopped after a couple weeks. I wanted to be high ALL the time. To be honest, If buying it was more convenient and if my husband was more into it (he says it makes him paranoid now), I am SURE I would do it all the time.

Anyway, this past Saturday, I woke up with a terrible hangover that had me dry-heaving and feeling like death warmed over. I was having a yard sale that day with some friends that don't know I drink. I was afraid they'd be able to smell the alcohol on me or hear me puking my guts out in the bathroom. I could barely think straight. A customer at the yard sale purchased something for $3, handed me a $10 bill, and I seriously had to think HARD about how much change to give back! Honestly, that hangover was a blessing in disguise - I had gotten to the point where I wasn't getting hungover much anymore, no matter how much I drank...just waking up exhausted and depressed. I wonder if I was crossing the line into actual chemical dependency.

I haven't drank since then, so I am on day 4. I told my husband that I think I have "alcoholic tendencies," after I took a questionaire on the AA website. He agreed that I just can't stop at a few.

My husband had a drink in front of me last night, and kept saying that he wanted another, but felt guilty for drinking in front of me, so he stopped at one. I told him that I don't mind if he drinks in front of me, but that I know I can't drink in moderation, so I'd better stay away from it altogether. I really wish I could stop at 1 or 2....or even 3 or 4. I drink to get completely trashed, and I am just now realizing that I will probably always be that way.

I apologize that was so lengthy. It just feels SO GOOD to type out a timeline of the last decade the way it actually happened, and not the way I've painted in my head to make myself feel better.

I am looking forward to meeting other people who have come to grips with the fact that they can never drink in moderation and have embraced a life of complete sobriety. I need some support, badly. I hope I can offer others some support as well.

Dee74

Hi Velma

It took me a few tries before I finally got it too - my relationship with alcohol and drugs is bad...and it doesn't get better...it only gets worse.

You'll find a lot of support and encouragement here - welcome

D

sadsoul2011

Velma - Hi! Welcome! I'm only on Day 2 so I don't have much advice to give at this point other than recommend that you spend time on SR (whatever it takes ) I can't wait till I can say Day 4 (the longest I've made it lately is Day 3). Good Job! Sounds like you're on the right track.

tanja

Hi Velma,

You should pat yourself on the back for not drinking when your husband was doing so. I am only on day 16 and really would not like someone drinking in front of me. Has your husband considered quitting? That would make it easier for you. Congratulations! You have shown a lot of courage.

sissy07

Welcome! This site is helping me save myself...so much understanding, love and wisdom. I am glad that you found us!

CarolD

Welcome to our recovery community...

I'm glad you are heading back to a clean and sober life..

Did you stop attending the church?

velmaT

After I told him that I need to quit because of answering "yes" to too many questions on the AA questionaire, he said, "I guess I'll have to quit too." I felt guilty for him having to quit just because I can't control myself. I told him that I don't mind if he has a few beers every now and then (because he can actually stop at that many). All the men in his office drink and they have a weekly after-hours meeting at the brewery near their office. I don't want him to feel out-of-place and awkward, so I said I didn't mind if he drinks in moderation. Maybe I should just tell him not to bring any home. We still had 1/3 of a liter of whiskey in the cabinet (which is usually unheard of - if it's in the house, I drink it 'til it's gone). The other night when he had a drink of it in front of me, he said he was getting rid of the last of it. But there's still more in there, and I did have one little moment yesterday when I wanted to open the cabinet and take a big swig right out of the bottle. I just need to pour it out...actually, I'd better have my husband pour it out. I don't think I'd trust myself to unscrew the cap while no one is here.

No. We still go. We've just been less involved and have kind of distanced ourselves from people there. I feel terrible that we've been living a double life. I am not ready to admit to anyone at church that I have been getting drunk almost every night for the last 2 years..I don't know that I ever will. My faith is certainly not as strong as it once was - I have lots of doubts I didn't used to have and now I feel somewhat cynical. But something keeps us there. I'm not sure what. Our daughter loves it there. We do have a great group of friends there....friends that I feel like I've been lying to for the last couple years.

Eliasson

Hi Velma! So glad you have made the decision to get sober! This site will help tremendously. I'm a forty something mom of 4 with a story so much like yours. I too have a husband who still drinks. I'm only 2 months sober and have been told to ask my husband to remove all alcohol from the house and at least not drink in front of me (tho I don't really get this because I wouldn't be happy if he was "out" somewhere drinking without me). He hasn't been able to do what I've asked, and it definitely makes it harder to stay sober. In fact, I've relapsed a few times. This time around I'm doing it for me and for my kids. They deserve a happy, healthy mom. And believe me, I was right where you are at your age, with small children, taking the AA tests, knowing I was an alcoholic and couldn't moderate my drinking. Don't keep going for the next ten years like I did. This is a progressive disease and it does get worse. Now I have teenagers who have seen me drunk and I'm working hard to regain their respect. Have you thought about going to AA or some other support group? This is hard to do alone, especially if your husband continues drinking. I have made wonderful, supportive women friends in AA and I come to this forum as much as possible where I have received so much encouragement. I also wouldn't worry about what the people at church think. I've been told not to "judge my insides by somebody else's outsides". We are all human and we all have our "things". A good church of all places should be loving and accepting of us in all our "humanness". You are not alone. Keep reading here and posting. We really do care and will walk this road beside you.