lilhaze

I'm on Day 9 and even though I haven't posted for a couple days, doesn't mean I haven't been on here reading everyone else's inspiring posts. I guess the last couple days I have just become at a loss of words. I thought I shouldn't go too much longer without the connection of this website and all who have helped me make it this far! :ghug3 I'm thinking if I don't interact, my distance may weaken my will to be sober.

So - here I am again, ready to share the craziness in my head that engulfed my day and night yesterday.

After a wonderful, sober anniversary weekend with my boyfriend, I started to panic and feel depressed about being alone all day on Monday. My boyfriend works and my son is in school all day while I'm home alone dealing with my inner demon and the loneliness that comes with it. So, basically, come Monday morning......I was the extreme bitch from hell.

Not only did I have a short fuse toward my boyfriend and my son....but also myself. To explain - one of my biggest "self-hates" from drinking comes from all the weight I've gained over the past 6 years from drinking, bar food and middle-of-the-night binges while blacked out. I went from being 108 lbs to 158 lbs and have never been more uncomfortable in my entire life! Even when I was pregnant with my son I never weighed this much. (I'm only 5'1") So, of course I looked in the mirror....cried....and yelled at myself as to why could I let myself get like this?? I even called myself a fat, ugly pig and more. I cried so much, I just went back to bed around 10:00 am and didn't wake up until it was time for me to pick my son up from school around 3:00 pm. Then after both my boyfriend and son were home, I was much calmer.....but still had sporadic short "bitch" fuses.

I guess I not only hate what drinking has done to my life in many other ways.......but I also hate the power it had to destroy the beautiful body I worked so hard to get and keep and treasured almost like an obsession. I even had a past of being anorexic for 7 years then ended up bulimic for about a couple years. My mind was wired to always stay thin and never let myself get fat. Wow - the power alcohol has to destroy.....I can't believe it myself sometimes.

Now, not only do I have to give up drinking.....but I also have to give up the foods I've grown to love! Plus....I have to start exercising again...which I've learned to hate. It just seems all so overwhelming all at once.....I just wish God would give me one more chance and make me 108 lbs again so all I would have to focus on is not drinking. Drinking used to cover up my extreme sadness of gaining weight, feeling uncomfortable and having absolutely no clothes to wear that fit me. (Even though, I knew the drinking was just gonna make me fatter!) Just another craziness of mine.

sugarbear1

Slow down! One thing at a time. I'd start wit the drink, the rest will even out. type a search: aa omaha ne

I think I posted the number once. Try a meeting and find people in person like us on SR. We're all going through this together!!!

You can find a walking buddy or a coffee buddy. You won't be alone when child is at school and man is at work!!!!!!!

please help yourself, but don't try to everything at once!!!

soberwingz

Lilhaze,

Thanks for the update. I too am up against the 9 day mark and it feels kinda weird. I guess thats normal.

Anyway, maybe just try to direct your energy towards staying sober at this stage in the game. I know if I were to ponder all the things in my life right now that are not exactly how I want them I would go crazy.

For me it is helping to just focus on not drinking for the day. Everything else will take care of itself in time.

Hang in there.

Dee74

congratulations on day 9 lilhaze

I agree that there's no need to do everything yesterday

We can be all or nothing people, and sometimes we end up hurting ourselves by that...

Start eating right and maybe some light exercise if it helps you by all means, but
I found just staying sober was more than enough for me to begin with...

there's years ahead to tackle other stuff

D

lilhaze

I hear you all!! You're right....I shouldn't try to do everything all at once. It's hard not to, though, cuz like Dee74 said...."We can be all or nothing people". That explains me to a tee. I like instant gratification and I'm completely a "black & white" thinker. I would hate for these characteristics to be my downfall with staying sober. As far as going to AA and being face to face with people.....or finding a walking/coffee buddy.....I'm not sure if I'm ready. Not sure how to explain this, but over the past 6 years I've become completely antisocial. Before drinking, I was outgoing, confident and constantly smiled and talked with people. I had lots of friends, too. Today.....I have no friends, my father has passed away, my grandmother has passed away and my mother has dementia and is in an assisted living home in Colorado. The only family I have here is my brother, which I've ruined alot of our relationship over the years, too....so the only way I can keep in touch with him and watch his son grow is through facebook. Pretty pathetic. So, basically, all I have is my boyfriend, my son and my home. (His family hates me, too....just more relationships I've destroyed.) I'm just not ready to "venture" the world and all the people in it quite yet.

tanja

Lilhaze,

I can relate to the "anti-social" feelings. Particularly, in my case, when you still don't feel physically well. So, this web site is super for support!

CaiHong

Lilhaze,

Just wanted to say keep strong. I understand the anger and the anti-social stuff but I really feel you need to get out of the house and your head a bit. What about volunteering your time with other people. I don't know you well enough to suggest which group of people. Just a thought.

All the best
CaiHong

soberlicious

I agree with CaiHong...what about volunteering at your son's school? Kids are so cool...and teachers always have stuff that needs to be done...reading to kids, grading papers, labelling books, putting up bulletin boards...I dunno just a thought.

horsekisses

I can really relate. I have also gained weight drinking and eating poorly. I get so angry with myself and it is a viscous circle. You know drink and eat to feel better and only feel worse in the end. I really need to stop drinking to end this circle. Really hard for me to think I won't drink again. Hope this site helps us both. I need somewhere that I can be honest about all this.

horsekisses

I also really relate to the all or nothing and wanting it all better now. I keep trying to stop drinking and eating less than 1200 calories a day plus exercising. Think I'm setting myself up for failure. I should probably concentrate on not drinking, eating healthier and some exercise.

chainsaw4618

Hey lilhaze, I know what you mean. I was on the grilled-cheese-and-beer diet for quite some time. It's like the South Beach diet with fatty starches and alcohol. You know the results. For the first time in my life I am actually logging my food intake and counting calories. One thing that has helped (though not all the time, unfortunately) was just not wanting to screw up my calorie count with a 12-pack. However, I do agree with a lot of the folks here: just concentrate on the alcohol. Given your history with diet disorders, you need to be wary. Solve the drinking first, and then hit the gym. You'll get strong fast!

zorilla

Wow I went through this too;21 yrs ago.
I gained alot of weight eating during blackouts.I was anorexic also.Oh yeah I can be the bitch from hell too.

You know this is a control issue;don't you?
For me what helped was knowing that not drinking would be less calories.
Try to just focus on not drinking so you don't get so overwhelmed.
Try going to a meeting & saying that you just want to listen.

I need to be around people and have come to actually enjoy it.
You'll realize that others could never treat you as badly as you treat yourself.
Congrats on day 9!!!!You're doing great!!!

Islandgirluk

Well done Lilhaze on day 9!

I can relate on the all or nothing, insomnia keeps me exercising in the hopes of sleep but a couple of weeks ago I didn't want to do anything.

Try not to be so hard on yourself, it sounds like you have made a great start x

bellakeller

I fought for so long to control my weight and my relationships with people around me. Then it was controlling my drinking while trying to manage the mess I'd made of my marriage and trying to hide the fact that I was a drunk from anyone I could possibly come into contact with.

While I was still drinking, my world got smaller and smaller. I never saw anyone either while I was drinking because I didn't want anyone to know and I didn't want my carefully arranged way of managing my life to be altered.

Since I am not God and can't control so many things in life, I ordered my little world so that it could work like clockwork around me. I only saw and did certain things at certain times and locked everyone out so that I didn't have to engage with them and therefore deal with the unpredictability of being with other people.

This went on for about 10 years. Alcohol worked for me until it stopped working. Suddenly I was faced with an unpredictability about living with alcohol in a symbiotic relationship. And suddenly I couldn't predict anymore what happened after the first drink. Sometimes things were OK and I didn't drink TOO much but more often, I was outta control and making a mess of my little life.

Looking back makes me sad because it only added up to a semblance of a life. I lost so much time before I got help with my alcohol problem.

I hope you fight your way out of your current "comfort zone" and start to make changes in your life so that you can live it to the fullest. Congrats on Day 9!