18 years
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3,443
18 years
of manipulation is the sentence for making poor decisions about who to have kids with. I have been divorced for nearly 2 years. The email still comes. There has been a bit of an increase and even a voice mail, which is almost a first. I have no intention of responding to this, nor did I respond to any of the others. I ignore them all. I no longer am consumed by the guilt and unceraintaly that these typse of emails use to spur. It is tiring at times and guess I just needed to vent. He is ordered to pay a whopping $500 a month for four kids so he's hardly supporting my household - and I've only received a small fraction of that in 2011. Apparently there are no jobs in this entire state or in the 500 miles between him and them. He's to over worked with his 34 hours a week living for free and not even having to cook a meal to manage to figure out a way to scrape enough money to drive 550 miles or get a bus ticket. But if I can figure it out for him, I can get right on that. :sigh: I don't even think he's drinking right now, but I don't really know - don't even care.
Most recently...
Most recently...
I'm am not complaining about sending money. I wish I could send more. The money I send is needed just to keep the household running. You are excellent with a budget. I know every dime is well spent. There is no way I could ever make enough money in SE <delete state> to run one and a half households. If you know of a job around the boys that pays that much, let me know, I'll do it. I think this should have been part of the equation. Lots of things take hard work and compassion and understanding. Some people divorce for convenience, other stay married for convenience. I pay no rent or food, working 34 hours a week now and can't afford to drive back to see the boys. I will have to move further away to make enough to pay rent and food. The boys lost there dad, I cannot find a way to make it work, so I can see, touch, play, laugh and love my boys the way I should and want to. I'm lost and always will be without them.
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
I am not sure I could make sense of what he was trying to say.
But I can tell you the ramifications of a Dad who doesn't try very hard...the kids end up really holding a grudge. I am working now with my 14 yr old on her anger toward her Dad for not making much of an effort, so she can recognize the efforts when he does make them.
Not an easy road...I feel your frustration and disappointment.
But I can tell you the ramifications of a Dad who doesn't try very hard...the kids end up really holding a grudge. I am working now with my 14 yr old on her anger toward her Dad for not making much of an effort, so she can recognize the efforts when he does make them.
Not an easy road...I feel your frustration and disappointment.
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
Kids have a tendency to personalize everything, as in they are not worthy of their dad's time and attention.
It is beyond most kids to grasp that it takes maturity to be a good parent and a heck of a lot of parents are simply not up for the challenge.
In the end, this will be their dad's loss.
From a financial perspective, have you considered seeking a court order for wage garishment?
It is beyond most kids to grasp that it takes maturity to be a good parent and a heck of a lot of parents are simply not up for the challenge.
In the end, this will be their dad's loss.
From a financial perspective, have you considered seeking a court order for wage garishment?
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Join Date: Aug 2009
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I will pursue the wage thing when I sign up for Medicaid for the kids. He is in another state and I'm not sure if that state 'cooperates' with this one or not. I was told that things are iffier when the parent is out of state. In state there are various consequences for non-payment. Hmm - perhaps this has something to do with the mysterious and complete lack of jobs within a 500 mile radius. I know where he is at and so that helps.
The kids are in counseling now. It is a new disappointment for me because there was a chance that sobriety would mean a different outcome for their relationship, and I guess it doesn't. Not yet anyway. He'll be doing good to hang on to sobriety.
The kids are in counseling now. It is a new disappointment for me because there was a chance that sobriety would mean a different outcome for their relationship, and I guess it doesn't. Not yet anyway. He'll be doing good to hang on to sobriety.
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Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: PA
Posts: 985
(((thumper)))
You know this, and I know this, we all know this.... if someone wanted a relationship with their kids NOTHING would stop them....!
I am sorry that the kids will suffer this loss, but that is not your fault (not that you are taking any blame for that one). They lost a long time ago when their father chose to drink and put distance between him and everyone else. In sobriety if he really wanted a relationship... well you know...
Let the kids deal however they need to with his choices and yours. Have a good relationship with them and remember that his relationship with them is his business. You do not have to answer for his behavior or choices - leave it between him and them. That was advice i was given after my divorce with my children's father. It was the best advice in the world! Yes I felt bad at times for them but they learned. They are grown now and tell me that they learned to have separate relationships with each of us. They learned who to count on, who not to count on. They figured out what kind of relationship to have with each and are happy. They say that they can't begin to imagine what it would have been like if we had stayed together.
Chin up and know you are doing your best. The sad part is that their father is doing his best and guess what... it isn't about the kids is it?
You know this, and I know this, we all know this.... if someone wanted a relationship with their kids NOTHING would stop them....!
I am sorry that the kids will suffer this loss, but that is not your fault (not that you are taking any blame for that one). They lost a long time ago when their father chose to drink and put distance between him and everyone else. In sobriety if he really wanted a relationship... well you know...
Let the kids deal however they need to with his choices and yours. Have a good relationship with them and remember that his relationship with them is his business. You do not have to answer for his behavior or choices - leave it between him and them. That was advice i was given after my divorce with my children's father. It was the best advice in the world! Yes I felt bad at times for them but they learned. They are grown now and tell me that they learned to have separate relationships with each of us. They learned who to count on, who not to count on. They figured out what kind of relationship to have with each and are happy. They say that they can't begin to imagine what it would have been like if we had stayed together.
Chin up and know you are doing your best. The sad part is that their father is doing his best and guess what... it isn't about the kids is it?
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Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
[QUOTE]
You know this, and I know this, we all know this.... if someone wanted a relationship with their kids NOTHING would stop them....! [/QUOTE
Exactly.
And the entire tone in that e-mail makes me want to slap him.
You know this, and I know this, we all know this.... if someone wanted a relationship with their kids NOTHING would stop them....! [/QUOTE
Exactly.
And the entire tone in that e-mail makes me want to slap him.
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Join Date: May 2005
Location: Upstate NY
Posts: 1,637
I have been getting similar blame shifting tactics from my STBXAH... Thank you for that post because it helps keep my feet in reality. I know MY truths, and that's it. I will not be swayed by someone elses guilt, frustration, manipulations anymore.
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