What do I do???!!!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: UK
Posts: 52
What do I do???!!!
Hi,I'm so confused, Mum is still drinking but I'm supposed to be taking my sister in law to be down there at the weekend - I will get thtere on Friday, then Mum will be sober by Sat afternoon, then it is her Birthday on Sunday so we can have a nice family sober day. (She rarely drinks in front of me and last weekend I got there friday night and she was passed out, I got her sober by Sat afternoon, and she was lovely and normal by Sunday)
If I don't go down on Friday she will be drunk and there will be no nice family day on Sunday, she will be drinking and I will feel awful for missing her birthday.
She was sober last weekend when I went down, promising me she wont embarrass me in front of the new SIL but she has deffo been drinking and when I confront her she denys it, so what do I do?????
I feel like I am responsible as to whether she has a good b-day or not and also I feel guilty if I don't take the SIL to meet her as she is really looking forward to seeing her.
I worry that if I make a stand and say to her, you are drinking I don't want to speak to you, and I don't want to see you when will I see her again? I love my Mum I don't want to hurt her like that - i just hate what the Alcohol turns her into.
Any advise would really help!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: wildwood NJ
Posts: 17
First of all...you have to let go of the feelings of responsibility...you did not put the bottle to her lips. I know first hand the guilt that can come up..but have come to realize he will drink if he wants to and there is nothing I personally can do about it..he must do it for himself, I can only OFFER support. Secondly if this is your SIL, where is her husband in all of this? Isn't it HIS job to make introductions and provide explanations? You remind me so much of myself...trying to do it all for everyone....eventually I began to understand....it wasn't just MY job...I still struggle with those feelings....but I feel way less guilty and responsible now! Welcome to the forum...there are a lot of wonderful people here and some really great words of encouragement...come back often and know...You are NOT alone!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: UK
Posts: 52
Thank you.
She is My Husband to be's Sister, and I have my own sister, but she has given up on Mum completely now, although she did say I should go down on Friday and sort mum out, She is putting the pressure on me, and personally I don't think thats very fair.
My sister has 2 kids and I don't have any so that means that I should be dealing with Mum's drinking. so when she does drink I feel like I've let everyone down, which I know is stupid!!
I can't quite shake the feeling that it is my responsibility - especially as my sister keeps telling me when I was at university she had to deal with everything and now its my turn!
She is My Husband to be's Sister, and I have my own sister, but she has given up on Mum completely now, although she did say I should go down on Friday and sort mum out, She is putting the pressure on me, and personally I don't think thats very fair.
My sister has 2 kids and I don't have any so that means that I should be dealing with Mum's drinking. so when she does drink I feel like I've let everyone down, which I know is stupid!!
I can't quite shake the feeling that it is my responsibility - especially as my sister keeps telling me when I was at university she had to deal with everything and now its my turn!
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Memphis, TN
Posts: 2,884
Chimmy, You didn't cause it, you can't control it and you can't cure it. Her drinking is her problem, not yours.
So, what do you do, nothing. Its not your problem. If you want to go and take your SIL that's fine, if you don't that's fine too. It's your choice.
BTW are you going to Al-Anon? I would highly recommend it. My life is much better since I started attending and working on my recovery.
Your friend,
So, what do you do, nothing. Its not your problem. If you want to go and take your SIL that's fine, if you don't that's fine too. It's your choice.
BTW are you going to Al-Anon? I would highly recommend it. My life is much better since I started attending and working on my recovery.
Your friend,
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: UK
Posts: 52
I'm not going to Al-anon, I've always thought it is really for alcoholics and I'm worried I will find it upsetting. I've been to alot of personal councelling.
I sometimes wish that she was constantly drinking, at least I know where I am then rather than this on and off drinking. I really miss my sober Mum but it hurts so much to have her back for a day to hear all those promises that just get broken the next day.
I sometimes wish that she was constantly drinking, at least I know where I am then rather than this on and off drinking. I really miss my sober Mum but it hurts so much to have her back for a day to hear all those promises that just get broken the next day.
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Memphis, TN
Posts: 2,884
Originally Posted by Chimmy 
I'm not going to Al-anon, I've always thought it is really for alcoholics and I'm worried I will find it upsetting. I've been to alot of personal councelling.
I sometimes wish that she was constantly drinking, at least I know where I am then rather than this on and off drinking. I really miss my sober Mum but it hurts so much to have her back for a day to hear all those promises that just get broken the next day.
I sometimes wish that she was constantly drinking, at least I know where I am then rather than this on and off drinking. I really miss my sober Mum but it hurts so much to have her back for a day to hear all those promises that just get broken the next day.
I separated from my AW which has helped a lot. Since I have moved out and our daughters have told her she can't see the grandchildren until she starts to get better, she has begun to work on her recovery. I think she might be serious this time. However, I am now at a place where I would like her to get better but my happiness doesn't depend on it. My life will be fine if she gets better and we get back together, she gets better and we don't get back together or she doesn't get better.
I hope that helps.
Your friend,
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: UK
Posts: 52
How do your Daughters cope with her? Do they still keep contact with her?
I feel so guilty if I don't speak to my Mum, I resent her so much for drinking and that makes me feel more guilty.
When she is sober she is so lovely and caring, which makes it worse. I don't have a second parent, and my sister and I don't really talk unless it's about Mums drinking.
I will look into Al-Anon meetings in my area. I think I am getting to the point now where I need to talk to someone - get a strategy going.
She has been drinking for 20 years now - I should know what to expect by now!!
I feel so guilty if I don't speak to my Mum, I resent her so much for drinking and that makes me feel more guilty.
When she is sober she is so lovely and caring, which makes it worse. I don't have a second parent, and my sister and I don't really talk unless it's about Mums drinking.
I will look into Al-Anon meetings in my area. I think I am getting to the point now where I need to talk to someone - get a strategy going.
She has been drinking for 20 years now - I should know what to expect by now!!
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Memphis, TN
Posts: 2,884
My daughters and I went no contact at first. Things were bad for a while and then my wife realized that if she didn't change she was going lose everything. At that point I think she began to take her recovery seriously. I am back in contact with her. She is doing much better and as far as I know she isn't drinking. Both daughter's are back in contact but they are not ready to have her around the kids yet. That is their decision and I am staying out of it.
As for getting a strategy together what worked for me was working my recovery and let everyone else handle their own lives as they chose. My life is so much better when I keep the focus on myself.
Your friend,
As for getting a strategy together what worked for me was working my recovery and let everyone else handle their own lives as they chose. My life is so much better when I keep the focus on myself.
Your friend,
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
(((((Chimmy)))))
Not all meetings are always listed on line.
How about giving their 'confidential' Hot Line a call:
Tel (Confidential Helpline): 020 7403 0888
They might be able to tell you where there are meetings close to you.
And as said above, your mum is an adult, you are NOT responsible for her.
My father drank, A LOT. My mom never touched alcohol as it made her deathly ill, so she found a different solution, VALIUM. She was never without, used way more than was ever prescribed, you get the picture.
Please take care of you. Read all the 'stickys' at the beginning of this forum. Check out our Adult Children of A's forum:
Adult Children of Addicted/Alcoholic Parents - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
and read some of the threads and the 'stickys' at the beginning of that forum also.
Post here a much as you need to, want to, or don't want. You can vent here among friends. Rant, rave, scream, cry, and yes even laugh. We are here for you.
Please remember, if your mum has a bad birthday day, it is not your fault. If her actions when drinking embarrass you, maybe explain to the future SIL that you have no idea how your mother will be as she has a problem with the drink. That will give SIL the information she needs to decide if she wants to go or not.
Unfortunately your mum will have to decide for herself when 'enough is enough.' You on the other hand can decide at any time that 'enough is enough' and tell your mum that you just cannot have contact with her while she is drinking.
Sending some good thoughts and prayers across the pond to you.
Love and hugs,
Not all meetings are always listed on line.
How about giving their 'confidential' Hot Line a call:
Tel (Confidential Helpline): 020 7403 0888
They might be able to tell you where there are meetings close to you.
And as said above, your mum is an adult, you are NOT responsible for her.
My father drank, A LOT. My mom never touched alcohol as it made her deathly ill, so she found a different solution, VALIUM. She was never without, used way more than was ever prescribed, you get the picture.
Please take care of you. Read all the 'stickys' at the beginning of this forum. Check out our Adult Children of A's forum:
Adult Children of Addicted/Alcoholic Parents - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
and read some of the threads and the 'stickys' at the beginning of that forum also.
Post here a much as you need to, want to, or don't want. You can vent here among friends. Rant, rave, scream, cry, and yes even laugh. We are here for you.
Please remember, if your mum has a bad birthday day, it is not your fault. If her actions when drinking embarrass you, maybe explain to the future SIL that you have no idea how your mother will be as she has a problem with the drink. That will give SIL the information she needs to decide if she wants to go or not.
Unfortunately your mum will have to decide for herself when 'enough is enough.' You on the other hand can decide at any time that 'enough is enough' and tell your mum that you just cannot have contact with her while she is drinking.
Sending some good thoughts and prayers across the pond to you.
Love and hugs,
Its_me_jen
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Salina, Ks
Posts: 8,547
Chimmy - I don't have any great words of advice for you. Just wanted to tell you I can really relate to how you're feeling. My mother is an alcoholic, she's been sober now for 8 years.
When she was drinking I felt this overwhelming responsibility to take care of her. I finally realized that nothing I was doing was going to make her stop drinking. She had to suffer the consequences if she had any chance of getting better. If something bad did happen to her, it was not me that caused it. I had to let go of that. It was difficult but I did it little by little.
When she was drinking I felt this overwhelming responsibility to take care of her. I finally realized that nothing I was doing was going to make her stop drinking. She had to suffer the consequences if she had any chance of getting better. If something bad did happen to her, it was not me that caused it. I had to let go of that. It was difficult but I did it little by little.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: UK
Posts: 52
Thank you all so much for your kind words, I had a look on the council website, and there is actually an Al-anon group ran by the council which is just down the road that is on the first and third Thursday of each month, so I'll pop down next week.
I really appreciate hearing all of your stories, just to know I'm not alone, also to know how other people have delt with it, sometimes I feel so alone with this.
Thank you x x x x x
I really appreciate hearing all of your stories, just to know I'm not alone, also to know how other people have delt with it, sometimes I feel so alone with this.
Thank you x x x x x
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: UK
Posts: 52
So I tried calling my Mum yesterday and surprisingly ther was no answer, then I got a garbled text later on.
Then this morning I got a text saying she is going to the doctors today and I can ring them if I dont believe her. Then 10 minutes later another text saying 'why aren't you talking to me, to which I replied I am at work.
I've heard nothing since, I usually call her at lunch but I don't really want to but she will probably just ring me anyway. The thought of speaking to her is making me so anxious, if I don't answer the phone she leaves abusive voice mails, and then the text messages will start. sometimes I wish she would just leave me alone
Then this morning I got a text saying she is going to the doctors today and I can ring them if I dont believe her. Then 10 minutes later another text saying 'why aren't you talking to me, to which I replied I am at work.
I've heard nothing since, I usually call her at lunch but I don't really want to but she will probably just ring me anyway. The thought of speaking to her is making me so anxious, if I don't answer the phone she leaves abusive voice mails, and then the text messages will start. sometimes I wish she would just leave me alone
Member
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Australia
Posts: 436
Hi Chimmy,
Al-anon, Al-anon, Al-anon!
It really will help.
I was so 'involved' with my AH drinking that I became obsessed. I was checking the beer fridge, keeping spreadsheets about how much he was spending on alcohol, looking for signs and it was the only topic of conversation with the rest of my family. Like you saying that you only talk to your sister about your mums drinking. We get too dragged into their disease which has nothing at all to do with us. That dragging, actually drags you down, so you start making unhealthy choices for yourself. My own health was suffering - I was stressed, anxious about going home and what I would find, let alone the really upsetting 'occasions' caused by the drinking.
Your mum is the alcoholic, it is affecting her life, her personal attachments to her close family members and in an extremely negative way but the disease also keeps her that way, trying to hang on and protect the drinking at all cost. If you continue to 'help or stay 'attached' you will suffer more and more. The disease is progressive. (never gets better, only gets worse)
We learn at Al-anon to 'detach with love' We learn how to treat our alcoholics with dignity and we learn how not to enable. We also learn about boundaries such as 'I will not see or speak to my mum if I believe that she has been drinking'. This sends a message to your mum that you will only interact with her if she is sober. It also means that you protect yourself by only interacting with her when she is sober, so you will have no negative behaviors to deal with. There are good, healthy boundaries and you can learn about them at Al-anon.
Can I ask, what is it going to take for your mum to reach a point in her life where she can start to see that her drinking is affecting her life, ruining her relationships and decides for herself that she cant afford to loose anymore and the drink just isn't worth it anymore?
You already said that your sister has given up on your mum and presumably that includes her grandchildren. She is still drinking. At the moment the drinking is more powerful than a close relationship with her daughter and grand-kids. Will it be more powerful than no relationship with any of her children, grandchildren or DIL whilst she is actively drinking?
My AH of 23yrs didn't reach his bottom until I left him and went no contact, our eldest daughter stopped dealing with him and his relationship with his other daughter was uncomfortable at best. AH has been sober for 10 wks now, its very early days and I cant be certain that he will stay that way, but I am hopeful and he is currently sober.
Hopefully I have given you something to think about. Keep reading on SR and do give Al-anon a try. It took a good few months for knowledge of the disease of 'alcoholism' and the surrounding jargon to sink in for me.
The best bit is that now you have reached out on SR, your own recovery will start and you will begin to feel better within yourself and what you have to deal with. They say at Al-anon that when we start to seek help and change the way that we have been doing or dealing with things, that this can sometimes lead to our alcoholic loved ones doing the same.
Al-anon, Al-anon, Al-anon!
It really will help.
I was so 'involved' with my AH drinking that I became obsessed. I was checking the beer fridge, keeping spreadsheets about how much he was spending on alcohol, looking for signs and it was the only topic of conversation with the rest of my family. Like you saying that you only talk to your sister about your mums drinking. We get too dragged into their disease which has nothing at all to do with us. That dragging, actually drags you down, so you start making unhealthy choices for yourself. My own health was suffering - I was stressed, anxious about going home and what I would find, let alone the really upsetting 'occasions' caused by the drinking.
Your mum is the alcoholic, it is affecting her life, her personal attachments to her close family members and in an extremely negative way but the disease also keeps her that way, trying to hang on and protect the drinking at all cost. If you continue to 'help or stay 'attached' you will suffer more and more. The disease is progressive. (never gets better, only gets worse)
We learn at Al-anon to 'detach with love' We learn how to treat our alcoholics with dignity and we learn how not to enable. We also learn about boundaries such as 'I will not see or speak to my mum if I believe that she has been drinking'. This sends a message to your mum that you will only interact with her if she is sober. It also means that you protect yourself by only interacting with her when she is sober, so you will have no negative behaviors to deal with. There are good, healthy boundaries and you can learn about them at Al-anon.
Can I ask, what is it going to take for your mum to reach a point in her life where she can start to see that her drinking is affecting her life, ruining her relationships and decides for herself that she cant afford to loose anymore and the drink just isn't worth it anymore?
You already said that your sister has given up on your mum and presumably that includes her grandchildren. She is still drinking. At the moment the drinking is more powerful than a close relationship with her daughter and grand-kids. Will it be more powerful than no relationship with any of her children, grandchildren or DIL whilst she is actively drinking?
My AH of 23yrs didn't reach his bottom until I left him and went no contact, our eldest daughter stopped dealing with him and his relationship with his other daughter was uncomfortable at best. AH has been sober for 10 wks now, its very early days and I cant be certain that he will stay that way, but I am hopeful and he is currently sober.
Hopefully I have given you something to think about. Keep reading on SR and do give Al-anon a try. It took a good few months for knowledge of the disease of 'alcoholism' and the surrounding jargon to sink in for me.
The best bit is that now you have reached out on SR, your own recovery will start and you will begin to feel better within yourself and what you have to deal with. They say at Al-anon that when we start to seek help and change the way that we have been doing or dealing with things, that this can sometimes lead to our alcoholic loved ones doing the same.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: UK
Posts: 52
Well problem about the phone call solved - she didn't answer.
I'm going to start Al anon next week, my fiance is coming with me to the first one so I'll let you know how that goes.
I am starting to understand that she is not my responsibility but She is my Mum and I love her, and i'm not quite ready to give up on her yet. Although frustratingly this is exactly what I have to do! For the moment anyway
I think what I actually want is someone to make all my decisions for me so when it comes to mum being sober she cant blame me for anything. After I stopped being in contact with my dad I am scared that I'll loose my Mum as well.
I'm going to start Al anon next week, my fiance is coming with me to the first one so I'll let you know how that goes.
I am starting to understand that she is not my responsibility but She is my Mum and I love her, and i'm not quite ready to give up on her yet. Although frustratingly this is exactly what I have to do! For the moment anyway
I think what I actually want is someone to make all my decisions for me so when it comes to mum being sober she cant blame me for anything. After I stopped being in contact with my dad I am scared that I'll loose my Mum as well.
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Memphis, TN
Posts: 2,884
Originally Posted by Chimmy
Well problem about the phone call solved - she didn't answer.
I'm going to start Al anon next week, my fiance is coming with me to the first one so I'll let you know how that goes.
I am starting to understand that she is not my responsibility but She is my Mum and I love her, and i'm not quite ready to give up on her yet. Although frustratingly this is exactly what I have to do! For the moment anyway
I think what I actually want is someone to make all my decisions for me so when it comes to mum being sober she cant blame me for anything. After I stopped being in contact with my dad I am scared that I'll loose my Mum as well.
I'm going to start Al anon next week, my fiance is coming with me to the first one so I'll let you know how that goes.
I am starting to understand that she is not my responsibility but She is my Mum and I love her, and i'm not quite ready to give up on her yet. Although frustratingly this is exactly what I have to do! For the moment anyway
I think what I actually want is someone to make all my decisions for me so when it comes to mum being sober she cant blame me for anything. After I stopped being in contact with my dad I am scared that I'll loose my Mum as well.
It's not giving up on your mom, its allowing her to live her own life as she chooses. She will choose when she wants to get better or she won't. It doesn't have anything to do with you. So your mom being sober or not already doesn't have anything to do with you. Since you don't have any control over it why do you want to assume that responsibility?
Setting boundaries is one of the things that you learn in Al-Anon and here. Boundaries are rules you set up to protect yourself. As 8-ball has said they are not ultimatums or attempts to control your mother's behavior. They are there to protect YOU and allow you to work on your recovery.
In the beginning I had to be very selfish and put my recovery above anything else. When making decisions I would often ask myself how does this help my recovery. If it didn't I wouldn't do it, simple as that. I am now much stronger in my recovery and am more flexible in how I choose to respond.
An important thing you will see here a lot is "Nothing changes if nothing changes". It means to me that the only way things would change is if I chose to change myself. I realized that I couldn't change her, that was what got me here.
I hope this helps.
Your friend,
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: UK
Posts: 52
It does help, I don't really know how I managed this long with it all really!
Thank you everyone, I'm sure I'll be back on tomorrow cause she has done something else!
My sister said that I should go down there on Friday night and see if I can sort her out for Saturday/Sunday and if I can't I can stay at my sisters, I'm going to see how she is and if I haven't heard from her I might just go over to my Sisters and stay there and come back Sunday, just sack going to Mum's off if she is really bad. Apart from anything else it isn't fair on my Mum to know that she met my SIL whilst she was on a bender.
She can do what she likes after this weekend, I was just hoping I could have a normal introduction and a normal family dinner on Sunday. I suppose at the moment I'll have to forget about the normal!!
Thank you everyone, I'm sure I'll be back on tomorrow cause she has done something else!
My sister said that I should go down there on Friday night and see if I can sort her out for Saturday/Sunday and if I can't I can stay at my sisters, I'm going to see how she is and if I haven't heard from her I might just go over to my Sisters and stay there and come back Sunday, just sack going to Mum's off if she is really bad. Apart from anything else it isn't fair on my Mum to know that she met my SIL whilst she was on a bender.
She can do what she likes after this weekend, I was just hoping I could have a normal introduction and a normal family dinner on Sunday. I suppose at the moment I'll have to forget about the normal!!
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Memphis, TN
Posts: 2,884
it isn't fair on my Mum to know that she met my SIL whilst she was on a bender.
Actually it would be much more fair for your SIL to see your Mom as she really is.
If your mom never suffers consequences for her actions why would she want to get better?
Edit: One other thing, your Mom being drunk is normal. That's the way it used to be with my RAW.
Your friend,
Its_me_jen
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Salina, Ks
Posts: 8,547
She's an adult. She can sort her own stuff out. Let her take some responsibility for herself. I know it's difficult but you're driving yourself crazy. Have you even stopped to think about what YOUR needs are?
Besides being the daughter of an alcoholic mother, I am also an alcoholic. I have to tell you, if I always had someone to clean up my messes I probably would not have gotten sober. For what it's worth.
Besides being the daughter of an alcoholic mother, I am also an alcoholic. I have to tell you, if I always had someone to clean up my messes I probably would not have gotten sober. For what it's worth.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: UK
Posts: 52
Very true, I must be so frustrating to talk to!
I really wish I didn't have to go down at all this weekend, but SIL has bought train tickets so its happening, plus I have to have my wedding dress fitting - another reason I wanted my Mum to be there.
I can't wait until Sunday night when this weekend is behind me!!
I should maybe point out that the reason I have to stay over is I live about 400 miles away and in the North east of the country my SIL lives in the North west, about the same distance away and my Mum & sister live near london in the south east, so its not like I can just pop down and back in a day.
Also I don't get on with my Mother in Law to be, she is very protective over her son and I don't think she thinks I am good enough, she likes to show people how much better she is than them, and is one of those kind of people where whatever you do - she has done it better, or bigger, anyway, I don't want it getting back to her about my Mum cause she will love that, I get on with my SIL but she is a very very young 24, very very sweet but is a little bit pathetic and silly and my fiance is very protective of her (his father died when he was 10 and his Mum got into deep depression and so he brought her up basically)
I don't get involved with his family - I'm not marrying them I have my own dysfunctions to deal with!
I really wish I didn't have to go down at all this weekend, but SIL has bought train tickets so its happening, plus I have to have my wedding dress fitting - another reason I wanted my Mum to be there.
I can't wait until Sunday night when this weekend is behind me!!
I should maybe point out that the reason I have to stay over is I live about 400 miles away and in the North east of the country my SIL lives in the North west, about the same distance away and my Mum & sister live near london in the south east, so its not like I can just pop down and back in a day.
Also I don't get on with my Mother in Law to be, she is very protective over her son and I don't think she thinks I am good enough, she likes to show people how much better she is than them, and is one of those kind of people where whatever you do - she has done it better, or bigger, anyway, I don't want it getting back to her about my Mum cause she will love that, I get on with my SIL but she is a very very young 24, very very sweet but is a little bit pathetic and silly and my fiance is very protective of her (his father died when he was 10 and his Mum got into deep depression and so he brought her up basically)
I don't get involved with his family - I'm not marrying them I have my own dysfunctions to deal with!
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