My wife is a Binge drinker
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: South West
Posts: 7
My wife is a Binge drinker
I'm sure you have heard this a million times she has been binge drinking for 25 years. She drinks about every week night but not binge that is on Friday and Saturday night, and on weekends she drinks about a 5th of RUM. She is wonderful when she isn't drinking Sunday morning but when she gets past a point she is belligerent and I hate it. I married her knowing about it I know I'm an idiot but I'm not perfect I will say that. She says if I leave her she will drink her self to death it scares me because I have seen her take drugs and mix it Rum or whatever she has and pass out. I found her a couple of times where she was barely breathing and had thrown up. I should have called 911 maybe would have done her good but I got her up and she is deathly afraid of doctors and hospitals. When we got married I made her get her liver checked out, but the doctor told us not to put it in the records because we would never be able to get medical insurance. Great medical system we have in the USA. I was hoping they would find something wrong and it would scare her into getting some help but no they found nothing wrong after a liver ultrasound. Now about 7 years later she has pain in the liver area I'm trying to get her to try and see a doctor again. The other day she said that I don't support her trying to quit because when I tell her she needs to quit she gets mad and says I'm trying to control her. She blames me for the drinking because we have money issues. How was I to know the houses would drop so much in value. Now we are stuck here. Do I just have to leave is that the only way out of this she refuses to get help she is worried about medical insurance but what does that matter at this point.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: UK
Posts: 52
I hope things work out for you.
Is there anyway you can talk to her about a rehab programme when she is sober? I don't know how much this would cost in the US. You sound like you both need help - have you looked into any Al-Anon groups in your area, for both of you? You might find it helpful.
You aren't alone x
Is there anyway you can talk to her about a rehab programme when she is sober? I don't know how much this would cost in the US. You sound like you both need help - have you looked into any Al-Anon groups in your area, for both of you? You might find it helpful.
You aren't alone x
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,868
Welcome to SR. Glad you found us. We are here to support you. Your wife is an alcoholic doing what alcoholics do. She's manipulating you into staying out of fear that she'll drink herself to death. She isn't ready to stop, and if she wants to drink herself to death, she'll do that whether you are there or not. You can't save her and as long as you are there making everything okay, she has no incentive to change.
It would be a good idea for you to find and attend al-anon meetings. You will get face-to-face support from others going through the same thing. If you aren't strong enough yet to leave the chaos, you will learn how to detach from her actions and manipulations. Please hang around here and read the posts of others who have been where you are. What you are dealing with is not unique.
It would be a good idea for you to find and attend al-anon meetings. You will get face-to-face support from others going through the same thing. If you aren't strong enough yet to leave the chaos, you will learn how to detach from her actions and manipulations. Please hang around here and read the posts of others who have been where you are. What you are dealing with is not unique.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 2,052
If you begin going to Alanon eventually you will learn the answers to all of your questions. If you have the stones to go, if you have the stones to keep going, and if you can go with an open mind. Try at least six meetings, some different, before deciding if you'll continue.
Good luck. It may be too late to save her (and it's not your job anyway), but it's not too late to save you.
Cyranoak
Good luck. It may be too late to save her (and it's not your job anyway), but it's not too late to save you.
Cyranoak
Journey To Me
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Kyle, Texas
Posts: 395
You do not have to leave if that is not what you want. You do have to realize what is within your control, though. You do not have the power to force her to quit drinking. Think about what you do have control over (make a list), and how you can change the things that you have that control over to achieve the happiness you are seeking. This is at least helped me understand. You have to decide, since she is not willing to quit drinking, if you are okay with living with her in this current state.
My advice is to educate yourself on alcoholism and codependency, and to attend Al-Anon to gather the tools to make healthy boundaries for yourself.
Keep posting here.
My advice is to educate yourself on alcoholism and codependency, and to attend Al-Anon to gather the tools to make healthy boundaries for yourself.
Keep posting here.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: South West
Posts: 7
I'm not really okay with this to continue but I need to lighten my load so I can move out easier. I think if I change some things to make my life better I will have the strength to give her the options. She thinks she has control over it and sometimes ask's me what I think about it. I tell her I would like her to stop but that is up to her. She tells me she can stop anytime, but I have told her it's not something she can control that easy it's become part of her. Without rehab I don't think she will ever be able to stop.
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Memphis, TN
Posts: 2,884
I think if I change some things to make my life better I will have the strength to give her the options.
I agree with Cyranoak, go to al-anon. I truly believed it saved my life. Try more than one meeting, I went to 5 or 6 until I settled on my home group. In case you didn't know Al-Anon is not about your alcoholic. You won't get tools you can use to get them to stop drinking or anything like that. You will get the tools you need so that you can get control of your own life and begin your healing process. Please give it a shot, it is worth it.
Your friend,
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: South West
Posts: 7
Well it's 2012 and my wife and I are still together 
she is still drinking. We recently went on a trip she somehow smuggled a plastic water bottle full of rum on the plane. Usually the TSA finds it in her purse on the xray and takes it from her she always looks at me I just shrug my solders and act like I don't know her. This time I guess they weren't looking that hard at the xray. She drank about 3/4 of that in an hour we had some delays in the airport she went off on them and cussing at me across the room. I just walked away she called 911 and complained about the airport. I'm a baby sitter for a drunk. This year will be a turning point for me I need to really lay down the law and tell her I'm done with this. She has no family to turn to if I leave she has no one, so I hope if she see's how lonely she will be without me things will change.
she is still drinking. We recently went on a trip she somehow smuggled a plastic water bottle full of rum on the plane. Usually the TSA finds it in her purse on the xray and takes it from her she always looks at me I just shrug my solders and act like I don't know her. This time I guess they weren't looking that hard at the xray. She drank about 3/4 of that in an hour we had some delays in the airport she went off on them and cussing at me across the room. I just walked away she called 911 and complained about the airport. I'm a baby sitter for a drunk. This year will be a turning point for me I need to really lay down the law and tell her I'm done with this. She has no family to turn to if I leave she has no one, so I hope if she see's how lonely she will be without me things will change.
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
Nothing changes if nothing changes.
Perhaps you'll want to check out Al-Anon.
Being a babysitter for a drunk, day in and day out, does not sound like something I would be happy doing.
Perhaps you'll want to check out Al-Anon.
Being a babysitter for a drunk, day in and day out, does not sound like something I would be happy doing.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,243
KM420,
The disease of alcoholism is progressive and I personally think that codependency is progressive as well.
It is the proverbial frog in the boiling kettle that doesn't notice the water heating up until it is too late. In my case I was always stressed and on edge walking on eggshells and peering off into the distance and future for the next "crisis" that always, always comes.
The day comes for some of us when just is too much... too much to take anymore... for me it was relapse after relapse after relapse. I had an alcohol free boundary that I enforced with extreme severity bordering on insanity. I simply would lose it when he drank and I could get meaner than he could... I deal with criminals and have a concealed weapons permit and am a crack shot. I also use psychology in my pursuit of fugitives and on one occasion I had my XA convinced that if he didn't get out the house I was going to kill him dead. There was a small part of me that considered it...it would end my problem getting him sober... I was completely emeshed in being "successful... in MY getting him sober! But I was completely bluffing but he didn't know that and to this day he talks about how I terrorized him!
My point is that sharing life with an active alcoholic makes you crazy... sometimes a little and sometimes a lot. I am ACOA and come by my craziness from my family of origin but I CHOSE to figure out why I choose mates that I choose and why I act the way I do... what makes me happy and what makes me sad, anxious and unhappy.
Alcoholics make me crazy but I am drawn to them... so I am on the "wagon" so to speak.
There is a way out... a way out for you. A path and a journey of self discovery that will help you find your way to peace and serenity. It may not resemble my path which I DO NOT recommend to anyone!
Please... consider finding an alanon group. I promise that you will not regret trying at least 6 meetings with different groups. REad all you can about alcoholism and codependency such as Codependent No More by Melanie Beattie.
Even if you don't leave and you stay with her until something awful happens to her (again... this is progressive disease and alcoholics who drink what is pure poison at toxic levels eventually have very negative consequences that will spill over into your own life) you will be much better equipped to deal with the fall out.
Heres to hoping you find the answers for you.
The disease of alcoholism is progressive and I personally think that codependency is progressive as well.
It is the proverbial frog in the boiling kettle that doesn't notice the water heating up until it is too late. In my case I was always stressed and on edge walking on eggshells and peering off into the distance and future for the next "crisis" that always, always comes.
The day comes for some of us when just is too much... too much to take anymore... for me it was relapse after relapse after relapse. I had an alcohol free boundary that I enforced with extreme severity bordering on insanity. I simply would lose it when he drank and I could get meaner than he could... I deal with criminals and have a concealed weapons permit and am a crack shot. I also use psychology in my pursuit of fugitives and on one occasion I had my XA convinced that if he didn't get out the house I was going to kill him dead. There was a small part of me that considered it...it would end my problem getting him sober... I was completely emeshed in being "successful... in MY getting him sober! But I was completely bluffing but he didn't know that and to this day he talks about how I terrorized him!
My point is that sharing life with an active alcoholic makes you crazy... sometimes a little and sometimes a lot. I am ACOA and come by my craziness from my family of origin but I CHOSE to figure out why I choose mates that I choose and why I act the way I do... what makes me happy and what makes me sad, anxious and unhappy.
Alcoholics make me crazy but I am drawn to them... so I am on the "wagon" so to speak.
There is a way out... a way out for you. A path and a journey of self discovery that will help you find your way to peace and serenity. It may not resemble my path which I DO NOT recommend to anyone!
Please... consider finding an alanon group. I promise that you will not regret trying at least 6 meetings with different groups. REad all you can about alcoholism and codependency such as Codependent No More by Melanie Beattie.
Even if you don't leave and you stay with her until something awful happens to her (again... this is progressive disease and alcoholics who drink what is pure poison at toxic levels eventually have very negative consequences that will spill over into your own life) you will be much better equipped to deal with the fall out.
Heres to hoping you find the answers for you.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: South West
Posts: 7
She wants to quit working because of a bunch of stupid excuses mostly because of me she says I'm too messy or she has nothing to work for because I spend all the money. I think the first step is to separate our bank accounts so we can see who is spending what. I know if she quits work she will only drink more she thinks she can quit, but I have seen her try and cut down she gets very irritable. I told her she is way past that it has become part of her life. She drinks about 3.5 gallons of rum a month I can't see how she hasn't done in her liver. Sometimes I wish she would just get sick and die then I would not have to worry about her anymore that sounds so cruel. I have to wait until she is sober to even talk to her about it.
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