learningtofly

The last couple of weeks I have known that I wanted to ask AH for a divorce. I had not done so because we are waiting for the sale of our house to go through and I thought that it would be better to wait until it was approved to talk to him. Well last night he came home and asked to talk to me about "us". I told him I really didn't have anything to say and then he brought up trying to go to a marriage counselor AGAIN. I told him I didn't want to go and that I didn't feel the same towards him anymore. He asked if I wanted to work on it anymore and I said no.

I was very calm in saying all of this . . I almost felt numb. I thought I would be very upset and crying when we had this talk, but it was different for me. He was very sad and was crying. He said I was giving up. He said we could have a good marriage and we could get pass this if I would just try. He says I have not given it my all. Then when I said I felt that I had tried 100% then he was quite and said "Our poor child I hope we don't screw him up too bad"

He said he was depressed and felt like his life was over. That he would never love anyone like he loved me. He said he was going to end up like his father . . . single and alone with one son. He said he didn't know how we were going to get through this. He said he felt like he screwed up his perfect life. He asked me for a hug and he left the room.

I felt like a POS. I know why I want a divorce. I know I know I know but it still hurts like hell!! I still have thoughts that maybe I could make it work, maybe I am expecting too much, maybe I am being unreasonable. We were happy at one time. I married him for a reason.

Sometimes I want to just bury my head in the sand and everything just be ok. I want to go back to the happy little family I once thought I had. I want all of the fear and worry to go away. This space I am in right now is so gloomy and unknown. I feel scared for my future and the future of my son. I still feel like I am questioning myself. I thought I would stop running all of this through my head at some point. I thought I would stop questioning myself by now. I want to stand tall in my decision. I don't know I guess it is only natural to feel sad and worried when going through a divorce. No one ever hopes to be divorced. It is a dream that I have to let go of. My happy little picture perfect marriage with my AH is now gone.

Uuuggg I'm just a little down, but I know things will get better. I just hope I'm not making a mistake I guess.

seekinganswrs

I am dealing with the same thing. You can find some of my posts and read if you would like, so I don't have to 'rehash' here. Anyhow, what about separating and giving him a chance to become the man you married and love? I firmly believe that "love is a choice" it is not a feeling, but there are actions to back it up, however addicts are in a disease and as much as they want to do the right thing they usually don't. They struggle between their head and heart, too, and if your AH is like mine his heart probably wants more than anything to have a clean and sober life, but his head tells him he can't, he won't be normal, etc.....My AH spends time with our boys and does everything my other friends in 'normal' relationships do, but he just does it on "pills." The pills are his normal. Even now on a non narcotic and cymbalta, he still needs those to feel remotely close to 'normal.' In my selfishness I just want a husband who doesn't have to take anything and I want him to be happy with his life with me and our boys, but he has a lot of pain from chilldhood and was raised in a home with addiction from all sides, so he really doesn't know what any normalcy might resemble and he tries and then 'messes up' and then tries again, etc...

I don't have the answers, none of us here do, and I know you are in a hard place because I am in a similar one. But maybe you could consider a 'separation' if it is something you feel like you can't live with anymore, and try counseling? At least then you might feel that you truly did all you could to make things better and to give your child the best gift ever of a mom and dad who are together and healthy. Good luck and God Bless.

ThatLittleGirl

<<Hugs>> I know how difficult it can be! I too divorced my exah last year after being together 11 years. There were many times I second guessed my decision. It's normal to feel this way. And truly you have time! I don't know what your plan is...but take all the time you need to get your heart and mind where it needs to be...this is a big decision. I have personally never regretted my choice. I have twins with my exah, and I just couldn't keep subjecting them to the environment of living with an active addict who was slowly self-destructing...along with a raging co-dependent who was going down with him. I knew something had to change for the sake of our daughters. So, after I filed for divorce, I left the house and moved in with my parents...which was extremely helpful! They have more than filled in the gaps the last year and a half as I've recovered. Today, my daughters smile all the time...and they're so happy and grounded. Seeing how well-adjusted they are now let's me know I made the right decision for all of us! Do you have a support system (family, Al-Anon) to help with any transition you may experience? I would suggest getting support from someone and not trying to go through this alone...it's a very emotional ride and the advice and love from others is an immeasurable balm to sooth some of the more difficult days.

My happy little picture perfect marriage with my AH is now gone. - This was the hardest part for me...giving up what I call my "fairy tale" with exah. Looking back, there wasn't much of my fairy tale grounded in reality...but I still wanted it...I still dreamed about it. In the end, I had to let that dream go and take a different path towards a new dream with me and my children!

I wish the best!!!

YearForMe

I am in a similar situation.

Mine was an occasional pot smoker and then being unemployed, he started abusing vicodin.

I told him I wanted a divorce and he asked for an opportunity to fix it. He stopped taking the vicodin. But has not gotten a job yet. And has not made an appt. for therapy.

So even tho I want the divorce.....he's not following thru with the other things he said he would get done.

I can't tell you to save or not save your marriage. But consider that one of two things might happen if you went to counseling.....

You might learn alot about yourself that makes you healthier even if you don't stay with your husband.

Your husband may learn alot about himself that make him healthier....even if you don't stay together.

Wouldn't those things be wonderful for your child?

outtolunch

Going back to your first post, he had the pill monkey on his back for more than a decade. That monkey is still there. Nowhere am I getting any sense that he is taking responsibility for himself and the mess he made of things. Instead he is projecting it on you and having a poor me pity party.

Take time to grieve the loss of your fantasies. You will emerge a stronger person because of this experience and grasp the huge toll addiction takes on the entire family.

YearForMe

A wise woman once told me that a man will move heaven and earth to be with you.
And you should let them.

Human beings are the only species that doesn't make the male work to be with the female.

In all other species...the male has to do something to prove his worth to the female.

Why can't your husband go to counseling alone? If he were serious...seems to me he would move heaven and earth....

I wish mine would.....but he's not.

learningtofly

Your right KC it is a fight between your brain and heart, however for me I had to stop listening to my heart when I felt that my son and I were no longer in a safe place.

AH and I have tried 2 different counselors. I go to a counselor on my own every week and have been for a few months now. Now that I know I am codependent I am starting to really look at all aspects of my life and realize a lot of things. I am very judgmental and have a bit of an ego. I think I judge people too much. When someone makes a big mistake or let’s say has an addiction I look down on them. I feel that this is a weak personality trait. I know that it is a disease, but I just can't get past this. It makes me sick that my AH is like this. It makes me sick all of the lying, sneaking around and doing all of this CRAP just to get high and take a stupid pill so he can veg out on the couch. To me it is just DUMB! Why would anyone want to do that? I don't get it and it disgusts me. It is ugly! When I look at my AH that is what I see! I don’t see the man I married. I see a weak individual who puts on a front to other people. Who when no one is looking takes drugs, lies to his wife, gets high around his child and uses his family’s money to buy drugs. It makes me SICK!!!!! I know he is going to NA, I know he is “trying” I know it is possible to get clean and stay clean, but I can’t help but to judge him. This is one of the very big reasons why I feel that I want a divorce.

Outtolunch he did say he felt like “he” screwed up his perfect little family, however he was placing a lot of blame on me as well. I did notice that also. I expected it though and I didn’t let it bother me.

Yearforme it is amazing how addicts sure move heaven and earth to get their DOC huh! I have waited and waited for AH to “move heaven and earth” and at this point I feel I have moved on. IDK that’s just what first comes to my mind : / Our previous marriage counselor and I have both mentioned him going to an addiction counselor on his own, but he has never made an appointment. He only attends NA meetings.

YearForMe

My husband hasn't smoked pot in over 2 years so he can pass a drug test if that big job falls out of the sky and into his lap.

He doesn't think that substituting that for Vicodin (because it is legally prescribed for him) is addict type behavior.

So...no...mine doesn't see it and the more I read and learn....that is all that I can see.

I understand it's a disease.......but I still struggle with the thought process, or their lack of thought process.

Karrie.....maybe this is somehow one of your life lessons to conquer. ??