HelplessExWife

A little backstory...

I met the man of my dreams - we fell in love, moved in together, got married and had a wonderful son. Then, my world caved in. I found that money was always missing from our checking account, I would wake in the middle of the night to find he wasn't home, and when I would ask him about the money or where he was, he would make up a story about his family needing help. I fell for it every time. Until one day when I noticed there was several THOUSAND dollars missing from my bank account. My credit cards were maxed out and I received a visit from the local police department asking about some fradulent checks being written.

I had finally had it and demanded my husband tell me what was going on, headmitted that he was addicted to crack and had been for quite some time. He also told me that the entire time we had been together (which was about 4 years) he had been using some sort of drug, whether it be marijuana, pills, coccaine, crack or anything else he could get his hands on. We moved out of state of PA to FL where my family lived and began the recovery process. But as it turns out, drugs are everywhere and he quickly became addicted to oxycontin. We struggled through this for about a year before he came off them. He was dragging me into drugs as well, and I began experimenting with pills. However it was easy for me to stop and never look back - but not him. We eventually divorced because I couldn't trust him nor could I forgive him. We remained close because of our son but he had to move away and go back to his family in PA.

He's been up there for a year and came to Florida about 2 months ago to see our son go to his first day of school. However while he was down here I noticed these lesions on his face, stomach and arms. I confronted him and demanded that he tell me what's going on. He told me that he was clean and that it was an allergic reaction to the new meds his dr put him on. Since I am NOT very familiar with drugs - I believed him (against what my gut was telling me). He went back up to PA and I haven't spoke with him much since then - and neither has our son. I received a few calls last week from concerned friends of ours up there saying that he is in bad shape and needs help.

Long story cut short(er) he checked himself into Rehab over the weekend and finally admitted to me that he has been using heroin. This completely threw me for a loop. Never in a million years would I have imagined this was what he was doing. I cried all day thinking he is up there alone, going through this.

Though I now have a fiancee and another baby, I cannot help but feel remorseful and GUILTY. I left him because I thought that I was the reason he couldn't quit doing drugs. I thought I was the cause and his enabler. I thought if I weren't in the picture he would be happier and not need to use, I guess I was wrong because things have gotten SO MUCH worse. Regardless of everything, I still love him and care VERY much about his safety and him in general. I thought he was my soul mate and it's not easy to just let your soul mate go.

I just don't know what to do. My fiancee doesn't understand, I cannot talk to my family about this, I cannot talk to his family because they blame me for not sticking by his side no matter what, and I cannot talk to any friends because nobody understands. I need help. I am so happy he is in rehab, but I am so devastated at what I have caused. Or at least, what I FEEL like I have caused. I'm trying to tell myself that these areh is demons and that he would've been addicted to drugs regardless of me, but I cannot help but thinking that this is my fault. Even though I have not been with my ex for about 3 1/2 years now, I can't seem to wrap my head around this - I can't think of anything else and I am making myself sick. I don't know what to do. I can't just ignore it and walk away... I need advise.

Thank you so much...
Seriously confused and helpless ex wife

outtolunch

At the heart of every codependent is EGO.

Please know:
You did not cause this.
You could not control this,
You cannot cure this.

Rehab does not cure addiction. Best case, it will teach a highly motivated patient the tools of recovery. The hard part , dealing with real life without being numb/high, is the tough part and it never ends. He owns his recovery or not.

Please consider getting some therapy to help you cope with your own feelings.

hello-kitty

Welcome. Sorry for the situation that got you here but glad that you are looking for support.

Do you realize your guilt and remorse are irrational responses to your ex's situation?! His behavior has nothing to do with you and I am so glad you and your child got away from him and didn't go down the tubes with him. He was and is an emotional manipulator who used you, lied to you and stole from you to support his drug addiction.

We talk alot about self-care and caring for our innocent children on this sight. We can't save drug addicts. We can only save ourselves and our children FROM drug addicts.

By all means, if you can't let go of this, then talk to a professional therapist who can help you move on and deal with your traumatic first marriage! Emotional manipulation is abuse and it's even harder to overcome than physical abuse because you can't put a name on the punches he threw.

hurting22

Dear Helpless Ex Wife-
I feel your pain. My boyfriend was sober for 9 months when we met. He is a wonderful man and we fell deeply in love. About a year into it, we hit some rough patches...both divorced, living 90 miles away. i hurt him by suggesting we take a break. he was looking at rings. my hurt came from my own issues. i quickly apologized and explained i was acting from a place of fear and pain of abandonment. he seemed to accept the apology. then, about 2 weeks later, we fought because i felt like i was always last on his list. he is super busy...work, school, kids. he decided to run. we talked and i took ownership for my mistakes. i asked for forgiveness and another chance. he said no. he had begun to want to drink and this scared him. while i understand, the kids and i are devestated. he promised that he would work through these issues and not give up. he promised the kids he'd never leave. he swore he was committed. it hurts because there are so many ways we could have reached out for help instead of giving up. seems he was building resentment about trying so hard to please so many people and he felt like he was constantly failing. my demands only made his fear of failure worse. i am so sad to have messed this up. i really love him. i am sad that he chose to give up vs working it out. is this typical? i met him only sober....he told me how dark the place he was in when drinking, but i couldn't reconcile this with the wonderful man in front of me. i actually forgot that he had this thing called alcoholism. now i feel terrible that i wasn't in al-anon or more understanding somehow. i think the pressures of my life and his just got to him and he was crushed under it all. he now says hes at peace...it hurts because how do you love others, make promises, and then leave and feel at peace? how do you leave a trail of hurt and feel at peace? i am just searching for answers because i can't seem to make sense of it all.
thanks for listening and any insight you all can give.

Chino

I left my first boyfriend because of his substance abuse. Later, after learning how far down he was, I expressed guilt to a mutual childhood male friend. He told me my ego was out of control. It was brutal to hear it so said so bluntly, but it was the truth.

HelplessExWife

I want to thank you all for your posts and words. Deep down, I know that this is not my fault. He was an addict before I met him and he will always be one, but I always thought that if I loved him enough and if I were everything he needed then he wouldn't need drugs. I never truly realized how bad drugs ruled his life. Ex husband or not, he is still the father of my son and I care about him. I want to be able to help him through this and I want him to be better. Maybe my ego is out of control, I mean who can seriously expect one person to make another person better, or to cure all of their problems? But the reality is that I did expect myself to make him better. Even writing it down, it sounds ridiculous - but I have never wanted something so badly as I want for him to be ok. How sick is that? I'm not even married to this man and I am literally making myself sick with worry and regret!!

Perhaps I do need to see a counselor. I never thought that the person who was on the other side of addiction could be affected so much by this disease but I suppose that was another area that I was too nieve in.

So I do have a question though - what should I do? I mean, I have offered my support and told him that I will not judge and if he needs anything to please let me know. I have also told him that I will send him some pictures of our son as well as some of his drawings to help give him something positive to look to - but I just feel as if this isn't enough. What do I do?? And maybe more importantly, what do I NOT do?

Justlizzyd

I don't think that there is one person on this board who did not think at one time that love would conquer all. That is just not the case in addiction. There is NO amount of love you could have given this man to make him walk away from drugs. That is something that has to come from within him. There is nothing you can really do for him. You can take care of yourself and your son. It is natural that you care for him, especially since his is the father of your child. However, you cannot help him except to give him to your HP or the God of your understanding and put your trust in that.

outtolunch

I assume by this he is the bio dad of your son which is not the same thing as being a father. A father would move heaven and earth to provide for his son. Has he contributed a nickle in child support?

The rest is all about your own ego and fantasy that you can do something to cause him to take responsibility for his life.

Where does the new guy, your current fiance, fit into the picture? Seems a tad silly to be focusing on fixing your ex when you are engaged to be married to someone else.

outtolunch

I resemble that remark.
The addict is my life is my daughter.
Finally realizing that there was not a darn thing I could do to fix her was seriously humbing stuff for me.

suki44883

Where does the new guy, your current fiance, fit into the picture? Seems a tad silly to be focusing on fixing your ex when you are engaged to be married to someone else.

This is what jumped out at me, too. It hardly seems fair to your fiance that you are so wrapped up on your ex. I do think some therapy would be a good thing for you. If you can't let go of the past, you're future probably isn't going to be all that great.

HelplessExWife

Yes he is the bio dad of my son, and for all other purposes he is a wonderful father. He used to support his son - when we lived in the same state, but does not pay child support as I make more than him (than he ever did) and when we divorced we had shared custody. There is no court ordered child support and honestly I do not need his financial help to raise my children.

As far as my fiancee - we have been together for almost 3 years. He is a great guy, great father to our daughter and a great step dad to my son. I realize that how I feel may be unfair to him - but I cannot change how I feel. I said before - I felt as if my ex were my soul mate - then the drugs came into the picture. Unfortunately, just because we divorced does not mean all the feelings are gone. I mean, I am not IN LOVE with him, but I do care about him. My fiancee knows that we still are close and that is something I made sure he was aware of from the very beginning.

Here's the deal - I care about my ex and probably always will. I have regrets when it comes to him and I feel extremely guilty about not being able to help him or be what he needed when we were together. I would honestly do almost anything in my power to help him get clean so that he can have a good relationship with his son. But I CAN say that I would try to help ANYONE if I could - especially if it meant they would have a better relationship with their children. As far as my fiancee is concerned, we have our problems as every couple does. He knows that I am a caring person and that I would give the shirt off my back to help someone. I know that he has a problem with my Ex and he has a problem with my talking to him (about anything really). Those are his issues and I have told him (even before we started dating) that I would always have a relationship with my ex because of our son. He does not understand that I care for my ex, and maybe I shouldn't - but I do and cannot change that (at least right now). I never really got closure as to why our marriage ended other than drugs and lack of trust. I'm not sure what kind of closure I COULD get, honestly.

I do not feel like I am concentrating on my ex too much. When I am at home with my family I do not talk about him, or anything like that. But in my head I am having a big problem accepting things. I guess it's easier for some people to forget the past and move on with their lives. As far as my fiancee is concerned - I'm not sure if we will last, you can never be sure of such a thing. I do know that if we fall apart it will be because we were not meant to be, not because I was too focused on my ex.

But seriously - can anyone here say that they would NOT want to be able to help their ex overcome this disease just because they have met someone new? Especially when it was this disease that caused us to separate in the first place?

I really came here hoping to find some words of wisdom from someone who has been where I am before. I am trying to deal with my thoughts and inadequecies. I guess for some people, divorce is closure and the end of feelings. For me, divorce was only the legal end of something that was once magical, it was not closure and it did not make me automatically lose all of the feelings. And it sure as hell did not make me forget what kind of person he is when he is not high.

Justlizzyd

I love my AH with all my heart and I would have done just about anything to make him better. However, I cannot and I was driving myself crazy trying to "help" him. I know it is hard and it makes you feel helpless but in fact, you are in this situation. Read up on addiction, read Co-dependent No More. I can promise you that every single person here found their way here looking for answers on how to help their addicted loved one. I think going to an Al-anon or Nar-anon meeting would be helpful to you as well. I know there are parents on this board that would give an appendage if it would help their child overcome the disease of addiction. However, it does not work that way. Your ex is going to have to find his way to recovery. That does not mean that you don't still love him, that does not mean that he will always have a place in your heart. It's not your fault that he is an addict and you had to make a hard decision in the past to divorce him and that does not make you a bad person.

hello-kitty

Ummm... ME!

I know that I can't help my EX over come his disease. I tried for a long time and it didn't work. I learned that it will never work because the nature of addiction is that addicts have to recover from all by themselves. I cannot help them. When I try, I end up losing control of my own life.

And that does no one, especially my child, any good.

Lord grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change.
The courage to change the things I can.
And the wisdom to know the difference.

I cannot change my ex.
I can change myself.
And thanks to this website, counseling and some deep soul searching, I know the difference.

suki44883

Helpless Ex...have you researched much about alcoholism? Have you attended nar-anon meetings? If you have, you should already know that there is not one thing you can do to help an addict until they are ready for help. It has to be their idea and there is nothing you can say or do to make them ready. Those of us who have been around addicts, or are addicts ourselves know this. The only choice the loved ones of an addict has is to either go down with the addict or get the h*ell out. You made the wise choice by getting out. There is nothing you can do for your ex.

HelplessExWife

I have been down this road before and I know that I cannot help someone that does not want to change... however I believe that he is at the point now where he wants to become a better person and stop being dependent on drugs. He wants help - for real help this time and he has checked into an in-patient recovery program. He doesn't have much family or support where he is now - his dad and his grandmother are all he has in PA as his son is in FL. I also know that if you have a good support system it makes recovery that much more successful - and yes I know that ultimitely it is up to the addict to make the choice every day NOT to use again, but with a good support system I do believe that anything is possible.

Going back to it -
Lord grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The courage to change the things I can,
And the wisdom to know the difference.

I know I cannot change him
I know that I CAN HELP HIM some how
Because I know that he actually wants help this time.

I know that I need to move on and concentrate on my life, but there is a part of me that knows that if I can help him, then I should - not only to receive closure for myself but to make sure that my son has a father. And yes, even though he is an addict - he is a father (and not in the ONLY biological way). I am sure that I sound nieve, but in my heart I can tell that he is serious about his sobriety this time. This time is so very different from every other time that he has said he wants to stop, because this time he owned up to his illness, he checked himself into rehab and he is taking accountability for what he has been doing and how his actions have affected others. Who knows, maybe I am nieve and maybe this is all just wishful thinking...

YearForMe

I don't agree that you can help him.....other than to stay out of his recovery and let him do it himself. That would be helping.

outtolunch

We codependents and addicts have much in common. We are famous for the " this time will be different" line.

Recovery or not is on him. He has to learn to depend on himself and cope with life as it is and do so without drugs or alcohol or gaming or porn or ...well you get the idea. It's his life and his choice. He can go to Aa or NA or any number of other support groups and learn from those who walked a million miles in his shoes.

If he wants it bad enough, he'll make it.

outtolunch

It was posts like this, from people who have walked the million miles through hell-o and back, that helped me the most to come to terms with my own codependency.

hello-kitty

Good for him. And he did all this without your help. Let him keep doing it without your help. That's what recovery is all about. Wanting to get better so bad, that you do it on your own, without any help. Wanting to help is admirable and sweet. But it's also a crutch to an addict. It interferes with their recovery. Recovery is an addict's greatest achievement. Let him have that. Don't interfere. Give him the dignity of knowing he did it all on his own. He's going to need that dignity if he's going to keep himself clean for the rest of his life. And that's something you can't help him with - staying clean for the rest of his life.

sTiLlhErE1986

You said it yourself "He wants to get clean this time, he checked himself into a rehab facility and is asking for help." So let the people who are trained professionals help him. He went there, did not come to you, so as hard as it may be for you to do, you need to leave him be. Let him do this on his own...he has to fight for his own life!