Ozgirl

Hi,

I had a major revelation today. I realized I am incredibly insecure. I have just passed 6 months sobriety and am I having to come to terms with who I really am.

Has anyone else dealt with insecurity? I worry about not being pretty enough, clever enough, fun enough, successful enough and I think I compensate by being closed off from people, being over-competitive, trying to be a high achiever and being jealous. Yuck, yuck, yuck. I don't want to be like that! How do I become secure with just being me?

SASA

I am 8 month in now and I still lack confidence. I feel insecure with people and I am always afraid I do not measure up. When I find myself in 1 of these situations and feelings latly though, I just try to relax. I keep telling myself: I do the best I can do every day and if it is not enough then there is nothing I can do.I alos started to develop faith that everyhting will work out. I mean I am 8 month clean and I hope to keep going. Nothing can be so bad than was drinking myself to death slowly alone.... So even I may not be as pretty, smart, funny etc etc as others at least I am not drinking....

zorilla

This is a problem of mine also.I never liked myself for 42 yrs and then I was praying one night and I suddenly felt at peace with myself.I like myself now.I was finally worth saving.I then knew I was going to quit the booze & pills.
Congrats you guys on your sober time!!!!

Boleo

"And acceptance is the answer to all my problems today. When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing or situation -- some fact of my life -- unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment.

Nothing, absolutely nothing happens in God's world by mistake. Until I could accept my alcoholism, I could not stay sober; unless I accept life completely on life's terms, I cannot be happy. I need to concentrate not so much on what needs to be changed in the world as on what needs to be changed in me and in my attitudes."
(Dr. Paul O.)

Iwantmeback

Hi Ozgirl, I have been dealing with insecurity issues my whole life and worry about the same things, being pretty, successful, etc. Now I have "being a good enough mom" to the list which really sucks. I will keep a close eye on the responses to your post as this is an interesting topic for me. Congrats on 6 months, truly amazing!

sugarbear1

I love Dr. Paul O. on his speaker tapes! I work the 12 steps. 4 & 5 helped me see me and know things are all ok, it was my perspective, etc! Today I am secure in my own skin.

twilli59

Clancy and some other speakers really made me understand that alcohol was my solution, and that living sober was my problem. Stopping drinking exposed the fear I had of certain situations and the insecurity I felt. For me, it showed up in social situations. My alcoholism began when it successfully treated the anxiety that preceeded then continued in social situations. It solved it about 90%. Alcohol has to do something FOR US before it can do something TO US. Recovery is about addressing those beliefs and perceptions, while sober, so we can get to the truth. That's not an easy task, but for addicts like me, just putting away the substance doesn't work. There are solutions, though - I see them all around me and that's where we can find hope.

freshstart57

For me, it was the other way around. I was unable to address any of my bad thinks while drunk or hungover. Once I was sober for a while, these huge problems of mine started to seem a lot less important.

I certainly struggle with feelings of inadequacy, I don't know, maybe we all do. I've described my morning routine as 'putting on my manager disguise', and I have thought in my darker hours, that I am a fake and a phony. These feelings have subsided a lot since sobriety, and have been replaced with optimism, self-pride over staying sober, and a growing feeling that this new phase of my life is becoming the best part. I am coming to grips with some hangups that have been with me all my life.

I am starting to realize that what is called Mindfulness is the skill I need to develop that will take me to this next stage of my life. There are others that have learned this too, like Zencat in particular, and more recently, EdHarley who provided this .

This seems to be about observing these feelings and accepting them without judgement, and cultivating the ability to focus attention on the present moment. I am new to this, and others can explain this better than me, but I invite you to look into this, Ozgirl.

eJoshua

Yes I think I am too, which is strange because I never thought I was until I got sober.

simplex

Dude, get out of my head! I too have recently noticed this about myself. I constantly feel that I'm not fun enough, successful enough, or that I'm just boring. Sometimes when I'm around people I just sit there with a blank stare, being like you said closed off. The jealousy is crazy. I couldn't place that aspect of it until recently. I've identified it as the cause of a lot of bitterness and resentment. And I just realized recently that I'm jealous of anyone that is having success or doing well. I also get competitive with these people in my mind when they aren't around... like their life sets up the metric to compare my worth to... I constantly compare myself to others, I'm either better than them or not. Usually not in my mind. Like you said this leaves us closed off and feeling separate from everyone.

This is written in co-dependent no more concerning communication. It hits on what you're talking about being closed off I believe.

"Communication is not mystical. The words we speak reflect who we are: what we think, judge, feel value, honor, love, hate, fear, desire, hope for, believe in, and commit to. If we think we're inappropriate to life our communication will reflect this: We will judge others as having all the answers; feel angry, hurt, scared, guilty, needy, and controlled by other people. We will desire to control others, value pleasing others at any cost, and fear disapproval and abandonment. We will hope for everything but believe we deserve and will get nothing unless we force things to happen, and remain committed to being responsible for other people's feelings and behavior. We're congested with negative feelings and thoughts."

What I've been trying to do is to hammer in my brain that security and self worth has to come from within. I've recognized that I constantly seek approval from others, in all aspects of my life. The constant comparisons to others are just indirect ways of seeking validation because we don't believe deep down that who we are is good, or enough. Who we are is ok!

I have started treating those feelings you describe as nothing more than tricks my mind is playing on itself. Delusions. Self doubt. When I don't worry about how I compare or measure up, I take myself out of being the center of the world. I'm more open to experiencing the present moment, to listening, and really interacting with other people. I can also feel gratitude and inklings of self love when I let go of all of these types of fear. I don't mean to sound like I have it figured out, or me out yet, because I definitely don't.

It takes time. Oh another thing too I realized is that when I was drinking I was putting my growth and development on hold. Now sometimes I feel like I'm making up for lost time... but don't get overwhelmed. Things are working out as they should. If you keep working at it some days you'll realize hey, I feel pretty good about myself. Those days will be more and more frequent I believe.

Thanks for the thread I really needed to read something like this today, to feel less alone, and well... insecure!

Ozgirl

Thanks for the replies everyone. It helps knowing I am not alone in this.

I guess I am at that stage in my sobriety where I am starting to uncover my underlying living problems. I have absolutely no desire to drink and even the thought of it makes me feel ill. I feel I have grown up a lot in the past 6 months and am getting ready to tackle some of the things that have plagued me for so long.

SASA & Freshstart 57 I really like the idea of acceptance, accepting I have done the best I can, there is a lot of grace in that. I was introduced to the concept of mindfulness in rehab and will look into it further I think.

Simplex, thank you for your insightful response! Throughout my life when I have needed to know something new my method has been to read everything I can get my hands on about it. I have used a lot of CBT tools to help in staying sober and really worked on changing my core beliefs. I downloaded a kindle book last night that focuses on building self esteem through CBT methods which looks really good. The part I have read so far sort of goes into the mind tricks you mentioned and gives a method for labelling the negative voice with a label not connected to yourself such as 'the bully' or the critic, and labelling your supportive voice something personal.

I feel guilty for being so self indulgent and worrying about things like this. I have a beautiful family, good health, a good job, I think 'just get over it', and then I think oh now you are being a martyr Our heads are funny little places.

Dee74

I think most of us are insecure on some level OzGirl...even the people who deny they're not lol.

I found entering my 40s helped - and of course being in recovery helped too.
Things are a lot less about what other people are doing/thinking now

I try to keep it simple - I try to do the best I can - I figure I can't ask more of myself than that...and neither can other people.

I've accepted it's ok to let other run their race and let me run mine.

It's ok to be shy and not very much at ease with people I don't know...it's ok to have the life I have...my life is not perfect but I like it....

doesn't mean I've stopped trying to improve it or myself, but I'm content and at peace.

It took a bit to get here, for course - it's a gradual change, not an overnight one....I had a lot of unresolved stuff I had to deal with...but I hope you'll find that sense of peace too OzGirl

D

Ozgirl

Hey Dee, thanks for your response.

I think I need to learn to live in my own head more. Just worry about what I am doing and try not to compare myself to others. I am definitely an introverted person and am also very uneasy in some social situations. That was definitely a major factor for me starting to drink alcohol in my teens, getting sloshed took away that social anxiety, but for what price. Now I realise that if I am in situation that I can't possibly enjoy sober then it is not for me and thats okay.

Dee74

Yeah - for me it's about knowing what is best for me, and being ok with that

D

sundrop19

you described me in every way possible....
To me insecurity and my aniexty led to depression and all three of those things led to my
pain pill addiction...
to become someone else or supresse every bit of me.....
im on day two... again.
I pray God heals me and helps me thru this tough time..
as for you and everyone else hurting

comanche

Thanks for posting this. I also have about six months of sobriety, and am coming to terms with my own insecurities. I compare myself to my friends who drink and seem to be more successful then I am, and it makes me feel jealous and upset. I am also afraid of losing these friends who I grew up with.

I also started hanging out with a girl who I know drinks, and I haven't revealed to her yet that I don't, and the thought of it coming up gives me a lot of anxiety and almost makes me want to just not go out with her, just avoid the whole situation, which I know is ridiculous. I realize on an intellectual level that no matter what she thinks about me, I should just do what's best for me, but this is how my insecurity works, telling me that I need to do what I think pleases others, need to fit in.

Anyway, thanks and good luck to you.

Dee74

Hi Comanche

I used to do some pretty silly stuff to hide stuff about me too - not just drinking.

I can't really see the point in hiding something like that now tho, because...it's who you are.

If people don't like who we are, there's not much future in a relationship anyway...

I hope it works out for you

D

Reset

I had this same realization recently. I'm still kind of struggling with the idea of how "okay" exactly is it to be a loner? If I'm comfortable with that, is there a problem?


Anyway when I read your original post I immediately thought about the Four Noble Truths and the Eightfold Path. I certainly don't want to get all preachy but that stuff really helped me get comfortable with who I am and what my place is in this world.

Ozgirl

Thanks Reset, what are the four noble truths and the eightfold path?

freshstart57

Zen.