Windblown

I've always loved my two sons with all my heart. I was married to each of their alcoholic/drug addicted/abusive Fathers long enough to have a son. Both divorces ended after a year and a half. The second marriage was a total rebound. So two boys, two exes...and me a single Mom trying to cope on my own with zero support from first Dad who was out there drinking. And threats of violence and no support from second Dad. I was struggling with Bipolar Disorder and depression. I had minimal family help. My oldest son was ADHD and was extremely difficult. But we went to the playground, read bedtime stories, i played with them...we went to the zoo...i encouraged their interests.

When my youngest was four, I agreed to let him go live with his Dad who had gotten clean, was running his own successful business and kept delivering to me on the promise that if I didn't let him have his son...he was going to make my life a miserable hell from them on. I had no quality of life...even moving to another state did not stop him. He threatened to move in next door and sence he had hit me before I was afraid.

So I thought in my mind that it would be in. Te best interest of my son to try living with his Dad as his Dad had no other children and wanted to be a big part in the life of his son. Well, the first four years went o.k. But my ex made it hard for me to visit. Then my ex started using meth and they kept getting evicted. I tried to go to court several times to get my son back but my son at 12 was not ready to tell the court he wanted to leave his Dad as I am sure his Dad threatened him. Plus i always sent my child support and whenever ex was out of money I'd send more but I don't think it went to help my son, I think it allowed my ex to buy crack.

I moved my oldest son, my husband and me across the country three seperate times to be near my youngest son. I tried to visit as much as I could but the ex just wouldn't show up when we were supposed to meet. Once I had bought three cross country airline tickets to fly the family back to youngest son to take everyone on a ski vacation and one day before the flight the ex informs me that he was punishing our son and he wasn't gong to let him go. We had to cancel the tickets with no refund. My ex never wanted me around and made it hard and the court system and the Dept. Of Family and Children Services did nothing when I told them my son was living in a horrible environment...no heat, no electricity. At 12 we took my son away and got a lawyer but the school system said if we didn't bring him back I would be cgah
Rged with kidnapping...my son pleaded to me not to take him back but I could not break the law. I told him I will take your Dad to court but you must tell the judge you want to come and live with me. My son called two weeks later after I had been scurrying around to attorneys and shelling out more cash only to tell me he wanted to stay with his Dad. We paid his Dad's rent for three months and his medical bills. But he was just sucking us and using my son as a pawntomget more money out of us so he could use. Finally at 17, my husband now who is a fine man got a claa from my son that his Dad had beat him up, he had run away and was hiding in a friend's basement. So my huband took time off work and flew acrossthe country and brought him to us. He has lived here for a year and a half. I did everything I could to get him started off with a clean slate. I practically got him graduated from high school as he didn't try and was failing. I met with counsellors, principle, finally got him enrolled in home study courses to make up credits...then summer school. I drove him everywhere he wanted to go. He mostly liked to party and be with girls. I allowed this because I knew he had been through such a rough time with his Dad. He continually asked me for money, energy drinks, burger king, cigarrettes. We bought him a motorcycle, all new clothes and shoes. We tried to bond and talk about how his life was going. I offered private counselling, got his cavities filled, took him to two expensive detox centers when he got bad on drugs.

After the last detox, he didn't want to follow the house rules and left with the car that his grandfather bought him to drive back and forth to school. He is dealing hard drugs. We have had to have a security system installed as we are at risk. I have offered him all the support he needs to get well with his addiction but I will no longer pay for anything else. He has turned our home life into a chaotic nightmare...pawning off all his things, lying to us...acting disrespectful...and yes I know he is sick, and I know not to feel sorry for him because he made the choice to live and my husband and I have a right to our saftey and peace of mind.

When my oldest was 12, his Father, five years sober with a nice new wife and home, pleaded with me to have a chance at raisng him the rest of the way...and I allowed it. That has worked out so nicely. My oldest son got into the naval Academy, is a marathon runner, a straight A student...only thing I worry about with him is that he is such a perfectionist but I don't say anything. He seems to be doing just fine.

I just needed to write all this because my current husband says I put unwarrented guilt on myself...far more than I deserve. And he has been there and remembers everything that went on and the reason the decisions were made. I still feel like, if I had just kept both boys...maybe my younger son would not be an addict at 18 all screwed up and living God knows where....he's been on his own for a week.

Sometimes I meet these warm, earthy Mother types that just seem to know exactly how to handle children.mtheybare stable and consistant...two things that have alluded me. I am a sweet, gentle , loving person and when somthing goes wrong, I tend to blame myself and go try things to fix myself. I was in A.A. For awhile and I remember my first ex telling me I was no alcoholic and needed to be in alanon. Well I didn't like him telling me that. I wanted to be the alcoholic...but the truth is...I was a major codie alanon needed. I am glad i have found alanon. To me...it's much sicker thn an alcoholis because it's like I'm all messed up on the inside with no clue as to boundaries, saying No, people pleasing, relationships...it's a heck of a ride...cuz I'm getting down to the core. What made me this way? My parents divorced when I was 6 and they were heavy drinkers. My Mom used to have to drive all over town looking for my father who had gone to drop the babysitter off...and he wouldn't come home because he was passed out in some neighborhood. My parents fought a lot and it was called a scandel when my Dad cheated on my Mom with a woman 20 years younger...we were an affluent family in the south that basically owned the town because we owned the textile mill. And divorce was not prevalent in the 70's so i was ashamed.

My mother used to cry to me and use me as her therapist when I was 12 as she was so messed up over having 5 children with my Dad and him having left all of us. I was the fourth child and she told me she should have stopped with the first two because with us subsequent others...it was just aploy to get him to love her. He had a terrible temper. That's when we moved and I started to change. I became terrified of not being included in my friend's activities, i felt
less than and different. I became lost from myself.

Maybe Im am writing too much. I just feel like I never measured up. My Mom and husband both love me, and my sons do too. I think the oldest son wished i had been more normal and stable...I am more a spontaneous writer/poet/artist and very spiritual but without the tools of the earth Mother that most Moms seem to possess. But I do love him and I love my addict son as well and I blame myself for both of their personality struggles. Why did God make me a Mother when there are so many othwr women that want babies and who would make better Moms than me but weren't given a chance. I am sensitive and fragile and I want to be a better person. I am praying to the angels and the Goddess to show me how to be better. I studied witha guru in India for four months but Imdidn't have the self-discipline to do four hours of yoga a day and deal with life in America.

I want to volunteer to help people at the new library learn how to read. Or I could start painting again...I have made some beautiful ethereal paintngs of angels and landscapes. Once I,sold one for $400.00.

Seems all i can do is berate myself and wonder why life is so hard. I have tried...but you know...lots of other people had a part iny life...why do I shoulder all the blame including theres? Wonder why I tore mynrotator cuff and have been out of work 6 weeks...tried to hold the hold world on my shoulders.

I need to accept that I am o.k. Just the way I am. It's just when my sons are hurting I always look at myself to see where I messed up.

Sorry i talked too long. I vascillate between living and dying now.mbut I wouldn't kill myself because Imcare too muchnabout my sons and husband and the pain it would cause them. Sometimes it seems I am livinga walking death that no one but me can see.

suki44883

I'm sure we could all have done thing differently in raising our children, but whether or not that would have any impact on what is happening now is doubtful. There are parents who do everything right and their kids grow up making lousy decisions. On the other hand, there are parents who seem to do everything wrong or just don't care that much, and their kids grow up to be successful and happy members of society.

I agree that you are putting too much pressure and guilt on yourself. You did the best you knew to do at the time. Most all of us did. When our children grow up and start making their own decisions, we hope they'll make the right ones, but sometimes they don't. That doesn't mean that had you done anything differently when they were younger anything would turn out differently now. Don't torture yourself. We cannot change the past and the path you son has chosen at this time is not your fault.

mooselips

(((Windblown)))
Like you,I have, in the past, asked myself the same question...Was I a bad mother? Could I have done better? I use to have great feelings of guilt wash over me on occasion, that I just couldn't shake.



Then, someone said to me.." You did the best you could, with the knowledge you had, at the time" and they are right, I did.
Would I change some things, if I could go back and do it all again? Sure I would, I'm sure all of us parents would.

Would it change the fact that I have 2 addicted sons? Probably not.
Because they have choices too.

look at your post, it shows a mom full of love for her sons, and a mom who wanted and wants the best for her kids.
Like we all do.

Relax, take a deep breath.

Try not to look back, look forward.
We're all here for you.

hugs from one good mom to another......wink

Windblown

I saw a bumber sticker yesterday and it said, "Screw Guilt!" Yes, guilt is a useless emotion...pride in reverse...who am I to play God and judge myself far harsher than I deserve. I need to lighten up, I know. But it is a process...sometimes I feel like I am living in the solution and other times I am hearing the solution but still strugglimg to live in it.

Process not perfection, instead of progress not perfection...at this point.

All i really want is to feel joy at being alive, noticing small wildflowers and clouds, appreciating the buttercups that grow out of the gravel...I just want peace in my being, and I want to express that perhaps artistically and give it to others to enjoy and benefit.

I really do need to detach and discover what gifts I have to help others and to make the world a bit better. Sometimes lately, I have slid down the well of self-pity but writing it out tends to make it lessen...talking to others such as yourselves relieves the burden.

Knowing that this world of online support and love even exists and is alive and functioning is an attestment to the fact that there is hope for humanity and all of us individually.

Chino

Windblown, it's no wonder you're stuck in a funk! You've been off work for six weeks with that rotator cuff and have other stuff piled on top of it. Are you isolating? Have you heard of HALT? Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired, all added together will derail anyone's recovery. Please please please get out and about if you're able, get those endorphins flowing through your body

hello-kitty

I had rotator cuff surgery 5 month ago. It's a tough and long recovery. But at about month 4 I started to feel like I had my life back. I'm not in pain now and I am sleeping through the night. So be patient and trust in the recovery process. Do your exercises.

It really does get better. Just do what you are suppose to do and it will take care of itself.

Put your energy into getting yourself better. You'll get there.

Windblown

I walked around the block twice today. I am going to submit the voluteer form at the library this week. I will be inviting my sponsor over to start a puzzle and have a bit of coffee this week. Thanks for the H.A.L.T. reminder. I have been very tired. I do have a drs. appt tomorrow about the bipolar/depression/anxiety. I came off meds nine months ago and have been symptom free except my anxiety is getting bad. No real mood swings and I think I was mis-diagnosed with bipolar or am in remission. But I will tell my pdoc what is going on. I am trying to get to meetings every day because isolating in the house is not so good. I think and worry too much. My husband is worried that my son owes the drug dealers money and he took his motorcycle today out of the garage. He said he was just giving a 'chick' a ride and would bring it right back...but he did not. My husband has cancelled the insurance because his name was attached to it. We hope and pray the dealers don't try to rob us. We got a security system which is a double edged sword because it's a pain to have to set it all the time and be constantly vigilant. I've got some cops coming out Tuesday to do an assesment on our house of what needs to be addressed as far as windows, doors...ways in...what we can do to safeguard.

I'm doing what I can do one day at a time.

The nicest thing I did for me was buy some new thick pale blue cotton sheets and new pillows for my bed.i also bought a pair of warm soft pajamas. It just means I am doing little things to increase the quality of my life. I wish my husband and I could move...one day we will...living in Las Vegas sucks for the most part...but then there are kind people and beauty everywhere if I have the right attitude.

YearForMe

Windblown....

I used to have severe guilt that almost did me in.

My therapist told me that guilt is there to let you know you have a moral compass.
He told me to alot x amount of minutes per day to entertain the guilt...cry about it, think about it, look at it, yell at it....whatever. Then tell myself thats all for today...no more today.

He told me you do what you know at the time and when you learn better, you should do better. The best way to correct guilt is to make a living amends to do better from today on. That is when I started learning everything I could about addiction and started going to Alanon/Naranon and read Codependent No More.

Ann

You saw the buttercups...do you know how big that is and what a good start?

I took up hobby photography, it got me outdoors, made me walk in fresh air, helped me look at the beauty and capture it to keep forever.

This weekend I walked in the hills near here, enjoying unseasonably warm autumn weather and I found this little lake. It is well hidden and doesn't have a name...well it does now because I named it "Serenity Lake". It is a place of peace where, if you wait patiently you might see some deer walk by or come drink from the fresh mountain water.

Come sit with me a while and enjoy the beauty...it really is a lovely world out there. No guilt for us today, we did the best we could and when we knew better, we did better. You can't do better than that.

Kindeyes

Windblown
I do understand how you question yourself as a mother. I do the same thing. My son is older than yours (he is 30) but I still ask myself all of the questions that you have. I love my son. I was the best mother I knew how to be at the time--although I was not a perfect mother.

There is no useful purpose in old, stale guilt. We can't change the past. Quite honestly, if I DID have the opportunity to do things differently, I'm not sure that it would have made a difference.....I don't know.....it's not possible so why ruminate about something that simply isn't possible! I CAN't go back and do things differently but I CAN change myself now. That is something I do have control over....and so do you!

We didn't cause our son's addiction, we can't control it, we can't cure it.

All the guilt and worry in the world won't change the fact that our sons are addicted. Guilt and worry won't change anything but it will make us miserable and steal our precious lives from us.

I am learning what boundaries are. I'm learning that I have a right to have them. I'm learning that I have the responsibility to adhere to them and not put up with people who stomp on them (as my son and AXH try to do).

Alanon and Naranon are helping me and I hope it helps you too. I go to 2 - 3 meetings a week--one of which is a Step Study group. This is the time in my life that I am dedicating to me. To learn who I am and work at being a better person.

Please know that every mother of an addicted son or daughter has the feelings that you are feeling. Some may stay stuck in the negativity of worrying about something they cannot change. I hope you will join me in trying to let go of the past, stop worrrying about the future, and embracing today.

gentle hugs
ke

litehorse

after reading through all the wonderful posts from so many i really don't have anything new to add - i understand the guilt - i fight that battle often - staying in the moment and trusting that moment to God is the only way i make it - my prayers will be with you

lonelystar

hi there windblown

sorry to hear what your going through as a mother I know how the guilt trip works but when i feel it coming along i stop myself and think, I tried my best, the best that I knew as Im sure all of us parents here have also , be kind to yourself because honeslty if you dont know one will.

havehope

Another mom here As others have said before me, knowing what we know now, we probably would do some things different now. One time when I was feeling very down on myself with all of the should've things; my husband told me to be careful or I would
should all over myself. It made me laugh!
You are not a failure as a mom. It is obvious you love your sons very much.