5 days how many times?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: Trans Pecos, TX
Posts: 74
5 days how many times?
This is the first time I have ever posted to a computer forum of any
kind. I've been an alcoholic for years, sometimes well-controlled, often
not. This is the first time I have communicated this to anyone but myself.
I've been reading this site for several weeks, and the vibe I feel is one
of concern, with a marked absence of judgement.
I live and work at a remote scientific research station in the mountains.
The nearest (smaller than you can know) town, a twenty-five minute drive
away, has a small store that often comprises the center of my world; or at
least the beer cooler in the back of the store does. Over years of drinking
I hardly ever used wine or liquor, but I can drink beer at a pace that would
put any Bubba to shame. The reasons for this passion I've mulled over many
times. Does my drinking produce what is, I admit, my dismal view of life and
the world? Is it my poor world view that feeds my drinking? I could talk
all day here, but when it comes down to it, I just want off.
The past 5 to 6 months, in fact the past year or so, have seen some very
positive steps. For the first time in years I have seen periods of sobriety
that lasted up to five or six weeks. I've begun eating well and exercising
again, things that were near the center of my younger life. My presence
here is due to that old back-monkey that I know so many of you receive
regular visits from also: relapse. I can feel strong and committed, and
then in a seeming instant, I'm off to grab a case of beer for a "well
deserved and harmless celebration". These "celebrations" can stretch into
a weekend or a week. You know what I mean.
This is my first effort to reach out. I live a self-imposed life of
isolation, but I am ready to try anything now. I've read often in these
pages of having a plan, of trying to step back and not take that first
drink. For me, that first can of beer is the kicker. I know what will
happen, but under the right (err, wrong!) conditions, I hit that trigger
and I am lost. I hope I can find help and answers here. I hope I can give
help and answers here.
kind. I've been an alcoholic for years, sometimes well-controlled, often
not. This is the first time I have communicated this to anyone but myself.
I've been reading this site for several weeks, and the vibe I feel is one
of concern, with a marked absence of judgement.
I live and work at a remote scientific research station in the mountains.
The nearest (smaller than you can know) town, a twenty-five minute drive
away, has a small store that often comprises the center of my world; or at
least the beer cooler in the back of the store does. Over years of drinking
I hardly ever used wine or liquor, but I can drink beer at a pace that would
put any Bubba to shame. The reasons for this passion I've mulled over many
times. Does my drinking produce what is, I admit, my dismal view of life and
the world? Is it my poor world view that feeds my drinking? I could talk
all day here, but when it comes down to it, I just want off.
The past 5 to 6 months, in fact the past year or so, have seen some very
positive steps. For the first time in years I have seen periods of sobriety
that lasted up to five or six weeks. I've begun eating well and exercising
again, things that were near the center of my younger life. My presence
here is due to that old back-monkey that I know so many of you receive
regular visits from also: relapse. I can feel strong and committed, and
then in a seeming instant, I'm off to grab a case of beer for a "well
deserved and harmless celebration". These "celebrations" can stretch into
a weekend or a week. You know what I mean.
This is my first effort to reach out. I live a self-imposed life of
isolation, but I am ready to try anything now. I've read often in these
pages of having a plan, of trying to step back and not take that first
drink. For me, that first can of beer is the kicker. I know what will
happen, but under the right (err, wrong!) conditions, I hit that trigger
and I am lost. I hope I can find help and answers here. I hope I can give
help and answers here.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,504
Hi and Welcome,
You have definitely come to a place where you can find support, friendship and help.
It sounds like you know you have to stop drinking and you've taken some steps towards that. Going five or six weeks without drinking is good, but I would ask you what other changes you've made in yourself and your life during those weeks to help your recovery? You know that drinking is a symptom and that you need to deal with the underlying issues in your life. And, you can do this!
You have definitely come to a place where you can find support, friendship and help.
It sounds like you know you have to stop drinking and you've taken some steps towards that. Going five or six weeks without drinking is good, but I would ask you what other changes you've made in yourself and your life during those weeks to help your recovery? You know that drinking is a symptom and that you need to deal with the underlying issues in your life. And, you can do this!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: Trans Pecos, TX
Posts: 74
the other things
Thanks for the fast replies Anna and Sissy07. I know I must have deeper issues
that need confronting. Just not sure how to pick and choose right now, but I will
be trying to take an honest look at these. The simple mechanics of staying steady
are on my mind mostly these days. The fact that thinsg can collapse so quickly,
with no obvious explanation, is what really frustrates me. Onward.
that need confronting. Just not sure how to pick and choose right now, but I will
be trying to take an honest look at these. The simple mechanics of staying steady
are on my mind mostly these days. The fact that thinsg can collapse so quickly,
with no obvious explanation, is what really frustrates me. Onward.
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,780
Welcome to the family!
Glad you joined us. We're here to support you and help you find useful information to assist your recovery. I depend heavily on this site and find it very very helpful to me, and not just for sobriety, but also it's a social life of sorts. I can socialize without getting out of my chair. That's pretty cool, I think.
I welcome you to our cyber family and hope we can be of help.
Glad you joined us. We're here to support you and help you find useful information to assist your recovery. I depend heavily on this site and find it very very helpful to me, and not just for sobriety, but also it's a social life of sorts. I can socialize without getting out of my chair. That's pretty cool, I think.I welcome you to our cyber family and hope we can be of help.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Kennesaw, GA
Posts: 193
Hey chainsaw welcome!
I remember when I was seeing my 3rd or 4th psychologist I asked a similar question. I said "is it the bad things in my life leading me to drink? Or the drinking leading to all of the bad things?" She said that it was sort of like the chicken and the egg problem, but it would be impossible to get to deeper issues if I continued to put the alcohol on top of it. It took me 3-4 more years of missed/wasted opportunities, embarrassing blackouts, and a DUI before I was able to find a way out.
That way for me was avoiding the first drink, A.A, SR, and a hybrid of other things. But it's important to find a plan that will help you avoid that first drink. It's like you said that one can of beer is the kicker. I heard it put best at a meeting tonight. Someone was describing "moderate drinking as 1-3 beers and stopping." To which someone replied, "well that's just enough to make you mad now isn't?"
Welcome again!
I remember when I was seeing my 3rd or 4th psychologist I asked a similar question. I said "is it the bad things in my life leading me to drink? Or the drinking leading to all of the bad things?" She said that it was sort of like the chicken and the egg problem, but it would be impossible to get to deeper issues if I continued to put the alcohol on top of it. It took me 3-4 more years of missed/wasted opportunities, embarrassing blackouts, and a DUI before I was able to find a way out.
That way for me was avoiding the first drink, A.A, SR, and a hybrid of other things. But it's important to find a plan that will help you avoid that first drink. It's like you said that one can of beer is the kicker. I heard it put best at a meeting tonight. Someone was describing "moderate drinking as 1-3 beers and stopping." To which someone replied, "well that's just enough to make you mad now isn't?"
Welcome again!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: northeastern California
Posts: 80
Hi Chainsaw,
Welcome, and please keep coming back. There's plenty to read throughout these posts with lots of answers.
Did you know that alcohol is a Depressant? This includes Beer! So naturally... the more one drinks, the more negative and depressing does one's attitude and outlook become.
I hope you'll purchase the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous. I don't think you'll be sorry
for doing so. But do keep coming back, because we care and would like to get to know you better.
Luv2All
Welcome, and please keep coming back. There's plenty to read throughout these posts with lots of answers.
Did you know that alcohol is a Depressant? This includes Beer! So naturally... the more one drinks, the more negative and depressing does one's attitude and outlook become.
I hope you'll purchase the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous. I don't think you'll be sorry
for doing so. But do keep coming back, because we care and would like to get to know you better.
Luv2All
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: Trans Pecos, TX
Posts: 74
big blue book
hi luv2all, thanks for he note. I have heard of this, as I have read some
online stuff from AA. I'll look into finding a copy. I purchased a DVD off
the web a year ago called "Change Your Mind About Drinking". It was
helpful, and I noticed that lots of people in the video (yes it looked like
a video from the early 80's) referred to AA in a very positive way. This
was helpful for a good while, but I still managed to fall back into my old
ways. I'm not sure I believe in permanent solutions, but I am now looking
for some way of making a more long term effort now. Good luck to you.
online stuff from AA. I'll look into finding a copy. I purchased a DVD off
the web a year ago called "Change Your Mind About Drinking". It was
helpful, and I noticed that lots of people in the video (yes it looked like
a video from the early 80's) referred to AA in a very positive way. This
was helpful for a good while, but I still managed to fall back into my old
ways. I'm not sure I believe in permanent solutions, but I am now looking
for some way of making a more long term effort now. Good luck to you.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: new york
Posts: 34
Hi chainsaw...staying sober to me is like a daily religion..like a marriage..it has to be worked everyday, sometimes every hour..I try to keep it close to my heart..and on my mind all the time...once I let it go, it seems to slip further away, allowing it to seem so significant and thats when I revert back to picking up...thats what happened this last time...after 19 years of being sober, I let those feelings drift away, instead of working my sobriety/marriage/religion....and as a result, I fell...but the good news is Im back on the wagon and feel great again!!! you can do it.
...than never
Join Date: May 2010
Location: West Coast USA
Posts: 152
Even though I live in an urban environment with several million, I know exactly what you mean about the liquor store beer cooler becoming the center of your world. Even in the big city, isolation and drinking made for a near deadly combo for me...
That's a really positive sign that you were able to stop for a few weeks. I stopped for several "test runs" before attempting to stop for good (I'm about a year in now.) I also picked up sometimes because "I deserved" it. Eventually I had to ask myself..."do I really 'deserve' to make myself feel like ****?"
Hanging around here can really remind one why it is not a good idea to go back...congratulations on joining the board and posting...keep moving in the good direction, the one that feels good overall, I mean.
That's a really positive sign that you were able to stop for a few weeks. I stopped for several "test runs" before attempting to stop for good (I'm about a year in now.) I also picked up sometimes because "I deserved" it. Eventually I had to ask myself..."do I really 'deserve' to make myself feel like ****?"
Hanging around here can really remind one why it is not a good idea to go back...congratulations on joining the board and posting...keep moving in the good direction, the one that feels good overall, I mean.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: n.e. WI
Posts: 22
I'm on day 6 myself and it sounds like you are living a life of isolation similar to me. I've been pondering the same questions as you and it occurred to me that the alcohol serves as a sort of friend, in other words it seemed all the time alone is easier if I was drinking.
I don't really want to change my lifestyle in regards to socializing more though. I just want stay sober so I can concentrate on being productive and happy.
Are you able to keep busy with something, or do you have a lot of free time on your hands? I know that during the periods of life when I did not have a drinking problem I simply had so many things to do that I did not have time for it. Problem was when I did have more free time and began to drink I was not able to stop and take care of business when I needed to.
I don't really want to change my lifestyle in regards to socializing more though. I just want stay sober so I can concentrate on being productive and happy.
Are you able to keep busy with something, or do you have a lot of free time on your hands? I know that during the periods of life when I did not have a drinking problem I simply had so many things to do that I did not have time for it. Problem was when I did have more free time and began to drink I was not able to stop and take care of business when I needed to.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: springfield, va
Posts: 1,385
Chainsaw,
I can relate to your story. It's amazing how committed one can be to stop drinking and then a craving comes in out of the blue. I think repetition is critical. Repetition is terms of finding ways to distract yourself, getting support and learning to fight the cravings off. I am something of a loner too, but finding and associating with other sober people working recovery seems to be essential.
I can relate to your story. It's amazing how committed one can be to stop drinking and then a craving comes in out of the blue. I think repetition is critical. Repetition is terms of finding ways to distract yourself, getting support and learning to fight the cravings off. I am something of a loner too, but finding and associating with other sober people working recovery seems to be essential.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,439
Hi Chainsaw
I wasn't in the mountains - but I was isolated - housebound due to physical disability - and bored and unfulfilled and burdened with an unhappy view of myself and the world....
Alcohol was my way of dealing with all that - and more besides - but it ended up taking far far more than it ever gave....I believe it ultimately it made my view of self and my worldview even darker, for sure.
I believe there are permanent solutions tho - whatever method, it takes time and effort...and a lot of change on our part...but I've never regretted becoming sober and embracing a new way of life.
It starts one day at a time
You'll find some incredible support and wisdom here - welcome
D
I wasn't in the mountains - but I was isolated - housebound due to physical disability - and bored and unfulfilled and burdened with an unhappy view of myself and the world....
Alcohol was my way of dealing with all that - and more besides - but it ended up taking far far more than it ever gave....I believe it ultimately it made my view of self and my worldview even darker, for sure.
I believe there are permanent solutions tho - whatever method, it takes time and effort...and a lot of change on our part...but I've never regretted becoming sober and embracing a new way of life.
It starts one day at a time
You'll find some incredible support and wisdom here - welcome
D
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: Trans Pecos, TX
Posts: 74
thanks everyone
Thanks to everyone for the kind responses. I'm quite good today, but the first week or so seems to seldom be a problem for me. It's the unforeseen and unexplained fall that hurts.
To northwoods, I have a lot to stay busy with. A mentor I had long ago once stated that in my profession we must do "80 hours a week or perish". I've been a committed worker all my career. I think one of the things that concerns me so now is that I see even that unshakable commitment wearing away. Beer is almost to the point of taking everything that matters from me.
To tanja, I hear what you are saying. I try to stay busy when I am not doing my real work. I have been building furniture, cleaning my house and tending my yard like a maniac! In fact, I call myself chainsaw because I bought a chainsaw at the start of the summer and trimmed branches all around my house. It was after a day of cutting and hauling that I decided I really deserved "a few beers to relax". I never have a few beers. You know the rest. Thanks for the ideas. Good luck to you.
To northwoods, I have a lot to stay busy with. A mentor I had long ago once stated that in my profession we must do "80 hours a week or perish". I've been a committed worker all my career. I think one of the things that concerns me so now is that I see even that unshakable commitment wearing away. Beer is almost to the point of taking everything that matters from me.
To tanja, I hear what you are saying. I try to stay busy when I am not doing my real work. I have been building furniture, cleaning my house and tending my yard like a maniac! In fact, I call myself chainsaw because I bought a chainsaw at the start of the summer and trimmed branches all around my house. It was after a day of cutting and hauling that I decided I really deserved "a few beers to relax". I never have a few beers. You know the rest. Thanks for the ideas. Good luck to you.
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