TakingCharge999

So my dad´s house was sold and all the money given to my mom.

Then she came to the city I live in. Spent a month here. Did not look for a house. Did not do anything but whine about people surrounding her, realize there were some negative aspects here and left to her Home town.

Her Home town is a very poor state down here. She went there, spent another month there, realized her ideals were not matching the realities there, and one Saturday proceeded to tell me she was coming back here on Sunday.

I arranged for her to stay in a house I was already moving in.

The house is far away from downtown and there is a difficult entrance to a highway, she has driven for decades in Mex city- now this is a "problem" and she takes cabs to get anywhere.

She has her own car and she does not want to use it. BTW said car is totally abandoned, has many details to take care of, desperately needs paint. My mom just won´t fix it. I realized it is not my job to fix it, either, so I won´t. (It is in good working operation but honestly it is embarrassing to drive it).

Today we had agreed to meet at 10 AM and see a real estate person at 11 AM.

I overslept. At 1040 I called mom. She had waited for me. I had asked why didn´t she call me? she said "she did not have my number". I asked where she was. She was outside my home. I asked her why she did not ring the doorbell? She said "she did not want to wake people up").

The same happened when she left here the first time. I overslept. She could have called me or knocked my door. But no, other people might have been bugged, so she just waited building up resentments in Full Victim Mode until I finally woke up.

So I told her "go meet the realtor, I will dress up and catch up with you wherever you are". She said that was "too difficult" and I told her "ok so I won´t go then. You see the houses".

Turns out according to her there were no cabs, she did not make the date, the realtor was angry and she did not see houses and went back home.


Granted the new house she is staying at IS far away, but that was meant for me, not for her. She never plans anything!! This month the city hosts the Panamerican games. No downtown rooms are available until November.

In my view, seeing my own behavior, I realize I commit to things when I am EXHAUSTED and need sleep. So I am no longer saying yes when I mean no. This has been a mistake.

On the other hand, I am sad and angry. I am NOT SUPPOSED to be driving so much. She has a car. She can drive. Her eyesight is also better than mine! I work full time and spend 3 hours at rehab daily. Am I overreacting here... ? Now I feel the added stress of having to find her a home, but isn´t that her job..? that´s the only thing she has to do all day.

I called her and she did not sound fine at all.. she said "she was going to think about what she wanted" and said she needed space... I asked her a few things more and she didn´t reply... I had to hang up. She did not answer when I called again so I get it, I need to give her space.


At least I am learning where I got self boycott, passivity and victimhood from.
She wants everything on a silver plate and I guess I resent the fact she has all this money she did not even work for. I am realizing her sense of entitlement and superiority very hidden beyond her codependency.

ESH needed...

PS I REALLY need to find a new therapist.

TakingCharge999

I thought for myself: my mom isolates completely. So, instead of ruining my Sunday I went for ice cream with a close friend. I shared my feelings. She told me my mom has issues not calling me nor ringing my door and behaving the way she does and encouraged me to place my boundaries so

1 I am well rested when I see her, be aware of not "making any sacrifice" for her. One thing is toxic sacrifices the other one is to really help, from the heart.

2 Focus on my needs first and foremost

Simple, to prevent any future resentments. Mom is still not answering my calls. But she is Cancer. Hiding in the sand. She will come out eventually...

For now enjoying my Sunday the best I can..

Freedom1990

I think these are great boundaries, TC!

We must take care of self first, or we aren't much use to others.

Your mother sounds a lot like mine.

That's why I have a limited relationship with her.

Sending you hugs of support.

dollydo

Well, I would not make a committment that I was not going to fullfill. You could have set
your alarm,however, you chose not to.

So, I would agree, don't say yes when you mean no.

It would appear that you both have unresolved issues, those that neither of you are willing
to discuss openly and resolve.

I do not have any suggestions, however, I agree a new therapist may be in order.

We all wear alot of coats from our past, we must learn how to take them off...one at a time, or, they will become heavier and heavier, until we can no longer walk, we are then
trapped in our own misery.

Sending hugs your way....Dolly

TakingCharge999

lillamy I put my alarm but overslept.

"Unresolved issues R us" in my family.

If anything I am more motivated to seek help ASAP. I was in the middle of a therapeutic process and need to resume.

Most of my therapy has been about male figures but now I understand I also have issues about female figures....

I also get now how narcissism can be found beyond martyrdom. I feel hurt as it seems she does not care about my health. Now I get how they say here codependents are not so different than alcoholics. We are just as selfish.

I agree its a miserable place to live in, but thankfully I do not want to live days like these the rest of my life.

I am feeling vulnerable so if you can hold the "tough love" at the moment it would be great. I asked for ESH. Thank you.

TakingCharge999

Thank you Freedom for your understanding.

I am writing a letter to her and will proceed to burn it. Its all I can do.

Freedom1990

Writing and then burning letters has been so helpful to me over the years.

I thought my old sponsor was crazy when he first suggested it, but it works.

TakingCharge999

Well I finally was able to talk to her. She feels better. She DOES have a lot of unresolved issues.

When she was a kid her siblings stole pocket money from her. That was 55 years ago.
Today she has money and is afraid someone will take it away. When I pointed out it may be the inner child issue she started crying.

This is a message to me: keep on without therapy TC999, you can keep your issues all you want and even die with them.

My mom is "starting a new life" at her age. I feel

sad because she depended on an external thing (a house where she shared all the memories with my dad before the divorce)

disappointed because she seldom worked; and now she is dissapointed because she doesn´t have enough money for a nice house. Duh. if it were not for my dad she would be surviving by less and maybe without a home of her own.

resentful because she does not put herself in my shoes


OMG two codependents trying to have healthy boundaries... this is a huge challenge.

BTW the "silent treatment" is so immature and I let it ruin my day for the most part. My sister had confided me that her therapist said she had passive-aggressive traits. Now I am seeing them more closely.

TakingCharge999

Thanks SR for letting me be honest in a safe place.