IAmAbstinent

This cycle seems like clockwork.

Every time I feel so disappointed with myself.

I will take them as my excuse is I feel really stressed/depressed etc. and have to have a release.

I would get stimulants, often rare research chemicals form online. That is also a danger, they are so easy to order online.

After I do so I feel just awful and pitiful after.

The worst part is that I take them alone and cos of the nature of the drugs this sends my depression even worse and I even have had suicidal thoughts the last few times. Not pervasive but it feels like my brain is broken til my brain chemicals get back in order.

Anyway I really have to stop this destructive cycle.

I think part of the problem is because I only take them every few months what happens is I will say all these things about how bad it is and how I must never touch them again but once the depression wears of I rationalise it wasn't so bad and end up repeating the cycle.

I know the root cause is that I have to find other activities to replace drugs but here also lies the problem in that I have alot of social issues which make it really hard for me to try new things/fit in with others.

So I feel really isolated and trapped. Then I would take drugs and end up feeling more isolated and trapped, alienated from the rest of the world. Etc etc.

I have been writing action plans all today in my pit of despair but I have done that before and I'm scared I won't follow through.

How can I make sure I drive it home?

suki44883

Welcome to SR! We're here to support you. It sounds like you need treatment for your depression and social anxiety. Have you checked with a doctor or therapist about this? They can help you so you will feel on an even keel continually and won't have the need to use the other crap. It's totally up to you what you choose to do, but you really are playing with fire. It also sounds like you could use a little accountability. If you do all these things in secret, alone, you have no one to be accountable to. Have you considered nar-anon meetings or maybe therapy, both one-on-one and group therapy? Both can help you learn to get outside of yourself and begin to enjoy activities with others.

IAmAbstinent

Thanks for reply.

A few comments on the above.

I tried my local stimulant services but I was scared off it because it seemed like the most hardcore drug addicts there. Not one to make blanket judgements, but I was in the waiting room and one guy was watching executions on youtube...soo erm I felt kinda not the kind of influences I want in my life.

I like the idea of a forum cos it works well with my social issues. I do go out and socialise off my own back and am working on that but think a forum support would work well.

I would like to see a counsellor as I had one in university but doesn't seem like an option now. I spoke to the doc and they told me the closest appointment they could offer was 6 months. How ludicrous is that.

Also for accountability I tried that last time telling my mother that I took drugs. That didn't turn out so well cos although she was understanding etc. she couldn't really relate to it so it felt like a disconnect and sort of isolating of itself for that reason.

artsoul

Welcome Harambulus!

It's really good that you recognize the negative influence of this drug on your life and how hard it is to resist the urge to use. The usual scenario is that, over time, it becomes more frequent and/or we increase the amount. So if you can stop now you won't have to live with that eventual nightmare.

If you haven't already, I hope you post in the substance abuse section:Substance Abuse - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information We all need support and to know that others "get" us.:ghug3