pixilation

It all started last Friday. I thought it odd that STBX hadn't contacted me about seeing his kids, I had with-held visitation the week before due to reports I had from my oldest son about the state of the house(animal urine and feces on floor, general messiness) and due to what I deemed his instability due to oldest son living with me now(he has PTSD that is easily triggered, and son leaving triggered him). I had planned on allowing him supervised visitation last weekend.

Saturday morning, oldest son went over to the house to see if his father was home, if not he was going to go in to try and find a few more of his belongings. X wasn't home, and it appeared to DS that he hadn't been home for awhile, due to the dogs being out of water and food, and even more of an animal mess on the floor than ever before.

Fast forward to Sunday, DS and his girlfriend were hanging out and they checked the local arrests website. There X was, he'd been arrested again for DUI, on the 28th! According to the website, he wasn't getting out until December or until 5000 bail was given.

Well, I found the old cell phone of X's that I took when I moved out, texted the numbers for his mom and his brother, since apparently no one knew he was in jail, letting them know where X was and that somene needed to take care of the house and animals. Son and gf went back to the house to take care of the dogs, and I thought my part in this was over.

Wrong, xMIL told my son it was OUR problem, not theirs. Refused to help out with the animals, etc. So, like the codie I am, I then spent time figuring out where the dogs would go(had fosters set up for 2 of them, the other two were going to a friend of X's, I had his number on the old phone too) I spent 3 hours late Monday night cleaning the house, etc. I got 4 big bags of garbage, just from sweeping the floors of the house. Did a few loads of laundry, cleaned the mop so that it was ready for the next day.

And then Tuesday morning, after 3 hours of sleep the night before, I get a text from SIL telling me they are bailing him out. Again. I have gotten no thank you(well xMIL did) no nothing for doing what I did. Except a big ol' PTSD tantrum from STBX. Apparently while he was in jail the house was robbed too(he doesn't keep it locked at all). A bunch of his meds were stolen, the snowblower and the remains of a go cart are gone from the garage too. And that's our fault!

So, that's now three driving with suspended license and 2 DUI's, all in less than a year. And the bottom hasn't come yet.

The only good thing to come out of this is that he has one of those BAC ankle bracelets on(although I am well aware that isn't sobriety) I did allow supervised visitation today for 5 hours, but he's freaking out about the fact that I'm requiring supervised at all.

I've had major anxiety and stress all week, still don't have a day job and I'm wondering if going on welfare wouldn't be best for a few months, so I can try to get in and see someone. But for that, I have to work thru my anxiety and actually call someone. I'm a rather big mess right now.

suki44883

It's going to be okay. Go back to as much NC as possible and let the soon-to-be-ex deal with his own messes. I'm glad you took care of the animals, though. They are completely innocent victims in this mess. Maybe next time, if there is a next time, don't call the in-laws. Chances are, he'd still be sitting in jail if they didn't know anything.

pixilation

Yeah, I did feel really guilty about the dogs, I mean I know it wasn't my fault at all, but I couldn't bear the thought of them suffering.

And I do think that they would've figured out he was in jail eventually. We just figured it out sooner, at least before the dogs ended up dead.

dollydo

To be honest, I would have rescued the dogs too. No reason for them to suffer because
they live with a stoopid drunk.

Ok, it's over, back to your life. As for them bailing him out, that's their problem, not yours.

Hopefully next week will be alot calmer!

Tuffgirl

Pix, I think what you did was the right thing to do, especially for the Dad of your kids. Setting an example that family steps up when needed, even if its to take care of the periphery things while someone sits in jail. And that animals are a responsibility and priority.

I would have done the same thing.

But yeesh - how many DUI's does one have to get in your state before the state sticks him in jail for a long time out? In my state, it's pretty harsh. We don't mess around anymore.

Freedom1990

I also would have done the same thing with the dogs. They are helpless.

Sending you hugs of support!

laurie6781

I too would have rescued the animals, that is a 'given' for me.

As to the house, well, if we owned it jointly, thus I had equity in it, yep I would have done that also, if not, I would have left the mess.

So .............................. I personally think that you absolutely did the correct thing. Now, as said above, get back to working on you. And I also think, since you do have the children, and are not working yet, that you go and apply for all the assistance you can get, including medicaid for you and the kids. You know, and we know this is only a 'temporary solution' but it will give you some time to get the much 'needed' counseling you need for you to be the 'strong' mom in this situation.

Remember, we are walking with you in spirit, wherever you go.

Sending prayers for you and the children and sending a prayer that your H's HP will guide him to recovery.

Love and hugs,

pixilation

The DUI penalties in my state are low, it's horrible really.

He has now found new homes for one of the dogs and the one cat he had left. So there's something.

I cleaned the house because one, the smell was horrific, and two, I was under the impression that he would be in there for months and I didn't want the waste sitting on the floor that long. The house is solely in his name(thank goodness!)

I have been tossing around applying for TANF and staying on it for a few months because then the state will hurry up with the child support enforcement(he's still not paying a dime and throws a fit every time I ask for any money, and all I've asked for is small amounts, less than $50). Plus I could at least get rent paid, and have time to at least start working on my issues. However, teen is working, and I was worried that his pay would count against it. And I don't want him to quit his job either.

I do still know that I made the right decision by leaving though, because all in all everything has been calmer around the apt. Middle's weird mannerisms are nearly gone, oldest has way less of an attitude with me, and youngest is well, he's 3. LOL

skippernlilg

Smart people utilize their resources. If you have to call and get some help, it shows your strength.

About the dogs, I would've also done the same thing. I'm afraid I would've left the house a mess, though.