seek

I was thinking about raising my kids and what I might have done differently. One of my daughters is seemingly alcoholic. I divorced the dad when a couple of the kids were young teens - not a great time . . .I wish I could have held out until they were grown but I didn't know it would be so traumatic for them. The dad is alcoholic, but was always "functioning," more of a weekend binge drinker . . .

Anyway, when we divorced, I got into Alanon and took these two kids to Alateen . . .I thought that was good insurance, but evidently it was not enough. I talked to them about the risks of drinking - what could happen - pointed out obvious problems, etc. Even took them to therapy. None of this stopped my daughter from becoming alcoholic.

What I would have done differently is I would have made more of an effort to talk about difficult feelings, stress, how some people medicate those feelings and more healthy ways to deal with difficult feelings (I thought the therapy would "fix" everything, but that was naive).

I also would have provided many more tools for coping with life and would have discussed connecting with spirit and how important it is not to abandon yourself - I would have taught methods to connect with spirit through prayer and meditation, as well as nature.

I would have been a better role model.

I would have taught my kids to take care of their bodies - and to eat healthy foods (didn't know any of this stuff way back when) . . .

I would have talked a lot more, and would have paid more attention to the messages they were getting and would have tried to connect with them more . . . what I did was take the point-of-view that if they had a solid base they would automatically develop appropriately.

I would have also taught them more about morals and ethics (again, I think I thought they would get this through osmosis -some of them did and some of them did not).

I would have made a much greater effort to create a healthy family instead of just leaving it up to chance. I honestly did not know that it would be possible to raise alcoholic(s) . . . had no idea!!!! I thought it was just common sense you would not become an alcoholic . . .talk about dumb . . .

So to any of you parents who still have time, if any of this is useful, I hope it might help. I still don't know if I had done everything "right" how it would have turned out. I know I didn't cause it and can't cure it and all that . . . but I wonder if there was ANYTHING I might have done differently to have had a different outcome. I will never know.

I would also be much more available, affectionate, and not so busy. I would have made more time for family this and family that . . .

marie1960

I think you are beating yourself up here. Go easy on yourself, things were different 35 -40 years ago, we didn't have all the conveniences of the internet, cell phones, and all the other modern technology. There wasn't this huge health conscious movement

I refuse to feel guilty about things that are way out of my control. I could not make their father be a better parent, they drank kool-aid, and ate twinkies, big deal.

I too wish I could have had more quality time with my kids , but when you are working keeping a roof over their head, there are just not enough hours in the day. We did the best we could at the time. Being a grandma has allowed me the luxury to "Play" again.

So be gentle with yourself seek, I think you are really internalizing, remember to just breathe.......

seek

Thank you. Honestly, it does not feel as if I am beating myself up, I just sincerely wonder if there was anything I might have done differently. I did an inventory of my parenting and it wasn't all that great, but I have forgiven myself . . .just wish I could do it over in light of awareness . . .

Seren

I think we all do the best we can with what we know at the time. When we know better, we do better.....

My folks are fairly normal, although not very demonstrative, parents. Addiction runs deep in my Mom's side of the family, but not on my Dad's. My sister is now maintaining abstinence after a battle with addiction, I never had a problem with addiction. Go figure.....

I believe that the only thing any of us can do is the best we can as we move forward.

whenitrains

I, too, am struggling with a son who is an alcoholic and I also have wondered what I might have done differently. I don't know that anything I could have done would change anything because there are so many ways to get connected to people of all kinds on the Internet, social networks, etc. My son has been given every tool to succeed but he is attracted to the bad influences and nothing that I can say or do can change that. He needs to make that change for himself and apparently isn't ready or willing to do it yet. It is heartbreaking but I realize that I am powerless to change him. I tell him that I love him and that if he gets help, I will support him, and that's all I can do at this point.

Chino

I would have sought out a therapist for my daughter/family when she was a teenager, maybe put her in a different school. I would have been consistent with consequences.

Having said that, I have no idea if it would have made any difference. Might have made it better, might have made it worse. I do know that TODAY is better than the past, because we both work our personal recovery programs.

Mightyqueen801

I'll echo the "don't beat yourself up" sentiment. Not long ago I read some good advice about regrets from the past: Remember that at the time, you did the best you knew how. If you knew how to do differently, you would have.

I did all those things. I talked to my daughter about the alcoholism and addiction that's in both sides of her family. She learned not to take her father's rejection of her over drinking/hanging out at the bar personally, and can for the most part. I sent her to a cognitive behaviorial therapist when it became evident she had the anxiety and OCD issues I have always suffered with. She didn't drink in high school or her first year in college. But last year, she did tell me she would have some rum when they were playing poker at college, although she swears she doesn't drink too much, but how would I know? Now she is in her junior year in another country, and like colleges all over the world, the kids go out and drink and dance until all hours--she was always a kid who was in bed at 10 o'clock and now I get emails from the other side of the planet that are written at 5 a.m. her time. She seems OK, but my daughter getting to a place where she throws her life away to alcohol is one of my worst nightmares. All I can do is hope and pray that she doesn't.

Mightyqueen801

Yes, you can't always tell by the parents. Neither of my parents drank, yet I have a brother dead from Hep C/cirrhosis and a sister who sucks down that boxed white wine every night and whose hands shake so badly she can barely light her cigarettes.

winnie1202

I agree with the others that we do the best with what we know at the time. I, too worry about the would of, should of could of in life. I know now that it isn't too late to make sure I am the there for my teenagers and make sure that they get the ability to talk to me and to others that can help him. Their father is also doing his best to do the right thing and stay the program

lillamy

Absolutely. And I especially cringe a bit when you say you wish you had held out till they were grown. I'm thinking more of the exposure and trauma that goes along with having an alcoholic parent probably wouldn't have helped them one bit. But then again, in my 20-20 hindsight, I'm sitting here thinking "I wish I had left my AXH earlier" -- so, you know, it's a bit damned if you do, damned if you don't, don't you think?

yorkiegirl

I have a young child so it's important for me to remain vigilant, conscious, conscientious, intentional, and engaged in my parenting (especially because my husband is a sober alcoholic). I too am an ACOA of a sober alcoholic parent. There are many times I wished my parents had done things differently. As much as I believe I've done things differently than my parents, when my child grows up, she may say the same thing, "I wish you would've done things differently" to me.

We did what we did. My parents did what they did. Some of it was great. Some of it was awful. Some of it was mediocre. I do think parents have a huge responsibility in building a foundation for children. As a parent, I am constantly aware that my actions, inactions, choices, etc. will have an impact (long lasting) on my child. So, I'm doing the best I can to educate myself, intervene on my behalf and try and make the best, most well-informed decisions I possibly can for myself and for my child. However, I'm not sure people need to beat themselves up about "what I could have done differently." For whatever reason you did what you did. We can't go back and undo those things. We have only now and the future. Make the best of now. You have control over now and how the future may be shaped! Once we've processed the past and learned from it, made our amends to those we've hurt (including ourselves), then we need to focus our positive energy on this moment (or we'll be regretting it in the near future too).

BadCompany

And stop right there. Alcoholism is a disease. Period. Your child caught the genetic bullet. That is all there is to that.

Statistics say that 2/3 of all alcoholics come from bad homes. Do you know what that means? a full 1/3 come from decent homes.

As an AA I sponsor a lot of guys, most of them are the bottom of the barrel types. I have one that was on the verge of death just a year ago. I know him, I know his family. Beaver Cleaver should have had the childhood and family he had. His resentment list for his family amounted to one time when he was 7 his dad embarrassed him. That is it. Alcoholism has left him almost dead.

One of my best friends in the program spoke from the podium tonight. Same story. One of his amends was to let his parents know that they were not responsible for the poor choices he had made.

Coming from an alcoholic home just gives the alcoholic a running start. We, the alcoholic, keep running the race all on our own

alaskasunshine

AMEN! Please, this is so true. My grandma was, my mom was, and they both fought the good fight, and they both seemed to get a handle on it. My mom never drank around me, she was awesome, always there for me. Raised me in the church, I did well in school. Life was great, but I HAD THE GENE!!!
And I didn't quite figure it out until I was about late 30's, and now I am fighting the good fight. She died sober at 61 of an accident. This was just as I was figuring out my deal with alcohol. So I never got to talk with her about how she did it all those years, seemingly without help. I feel cheated. :-(

seek

I am sorry but everyone has different beliefs and my belief is that alcoholism is not a disease, but a bunch of choices - and there is no need to debate that. I respect your belief - mine is different.

And as far as the "beating up" theme goes, the entire purpose of this post was not to say, "Woe is me, I should have done better," it was to possibly give some parents tools they might consider using with their children . . . I WISH I had had more awareness, but I didn't - so maybe some of the parents reading here will gain some insights that might help them and their children. Or not . . .

Why can't people just have their own experiences without so many people wanting to argue particular points? I am just offering ONE VIEWPOINT. It is not "THE TRUTH." It is just MY EXPERIENCE AND MY PERCEPTION . . .

Have a good evening!

Aegian

Seek,

That is the nature of a discussion board. One person opens a topic for discussion and the others discuss it. If you prefer to just post without discussion, why not use the blog capability the forum offers?

dorton

I think what I could have done differently wasn't so much about raising my AS ( not that I was a great parent because I don't think I was) it's about stopping the enabling sooner. I'm not sure I could have stopped it from happening in the 1st place but I could have opened my eyes a lot sooner and maybe it wouldn't have gotten so bad. For that I will always feel guilt.

Freedom1990

We do the best we can with what we have at any given moment.

Did I make mistakes in raising AD?

Of course I did.

However, she's an adult, and she was exposed to the rooms of recovery starting at age 8 when I got into recovery.

She knows there is a better way to live.

She chooses not to.

That's on her, not me.

Sending you hugs of support.

yorkiegirl

Alcoholism may be a disease (if that's the perspective we want to take). I don't fundamentally disagree with that model. However, the condition of the mother in the womb, the environment in the home, etc. all play a role (the family that is already affected by the "disease.") This is not a blame issue. It's science (the intricate interaction between environment and the individual --be it genetic, psychological, physiological, etc.) Of course, in the end, parents are not responsible for the actions their adult children take. Each person is responsible for his/her actions, ultimately, once he/she becomes an adult. However, parents play a major role in creating a foundation and shaping their children's lives, including the choices they may or may not feel are available for them in their future.

I would not underplay the importance of the "environment" (starting in the womb) and throughout childhood in informing and influencing human physiology and human behavior, including a propensity and disposition toward addiction.

I did learn a lot of co-dependent/addictive behaviors from my family growing up, the way they handled situations. I did make choices in my own relationships based on the modeling of my parents' behavior. Today, I am my own person and know differently. I can and do make different choices. Sometimes I slip. Sometimes it's difficult but I have the ability to think, act, be my own person. For me to get to this place of understanding (and intervening on behalf of myself in terms of behaviors I've learned) has taken a lifetime of undoing and changing and thinking for myself and changing familiar actions/patterns. As a child, I was not responsible for absorbing my family's addictive/codependent behaviors. As an adult, I am now responsible (especially since I'm more aware).

Parents should not beat themselves up and blame themselves for their children's addictions/codependency. It is what it is/was.

We have an opportunity to learn about how to change, heal, and make things better for the next generations of people affected by addiction. I do think that since it is a "family disease" that ideally, finding "family solutions" and "family healing" are the best ways to recover.

seek

I think it's awesome when people share their different perspectives and experiences . . .but when someone pipes up that "THIS IS THE WAY IT IS
and projects that onto all of "reality," that frustrates me. I just see it as arrogant and it bugs me.

If people are getting sober using a disease model, cool! No argument with it cuz the greater good is being achieved and it is not my business how they got there.

I was sharing my sincere feelings of wishing I had been more aware and hoping that some parents might have time to make some adjustments - I took too much for granted - and we will never know what effect it all had but I think "better safe than sorry."

If I knew then what I know now I would have done a ton of stuff different . . . I had faulty beliefs, I was in denial, I was too busy, I thought "everything would be ok," etc. I would have tried harder, is all I am saying - I would have changed my priorities and my focus. I know I can't go back and this is not just an exercise in futility because I learned so much about "what not to do" and what could have been done differently. I believe in reincarnation and karma, so it is not a moot point to consider all of this stuff.

seek

Yes, and that's "true" too.