THIS IS IT!!!! Need guidance! Boundaries for AH - Please review, advise
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: Jacksonville
Posts: 59
THIS IS IT!!!! Need guidance! Boundaries for AH - Please review, advise
Background on him: He was raised in an addict/alcoholic home. Oldest of 6 kids. Mom and dad did all sorts of drugs (the 70s) and both cheated on each other and were involved in DV. They divorced when he was 11 and she married another alcoholic/drug user. Mainly crack and coke then. This guy is in jail and has been since I have known my husband. New man she has has been together since me and my husband and they did coke, drank and then clean for a bit, and now pills. His brothers are all addicts, only one just does pot and works.
Background on me: My dad 28 yrs older than mom. Dad died when I was 10, mom married an alcoholic. Oldest child of 2, one sister. Step dad was very Emotionally abusive. I was sexually abused by older step brother for 5 years as well. Reported it when it started happening and he was removed from the home, but then allowed back in by parents about 6 months later. Then involved in DV relationships till I met my husband. He has never physically abused me or emotionally (as far as call names,etc).
Brief history:
Our ages: Both 36 (this year)
Married: 14 yrs this November. Together 15.
Children: 2 sons, 13 and 11, we had been dating for about 9 months when I found out I was pregnant and we decided to get married. Got married when I was 4 months pregnant one week after my 22nd birthday.
His addiction/Our relationship : 15 years. began with pot (daily) and occasional "whatever else", cocaine (3-4 times each year), opium(when it was available), and drinking (just socially). I did all of this with him, minus the drinking.
This went on til he quit pot in 2002 and I gave up everything. He then picked up cocaine more frequently. He also cheated on me in 2002 on a weekend trip to his home state of Louisiana, he took some "G" and went to a club and met some girl. After he came home he told me, and I began an "emotional affair" with my "first love" via email and he continued to email this girl. This went on for a few months, then both ended. He became a Functional "coke" user, on some weekends.
Separated for about 6 months in 2004 because he became a constant weekend user. Got back together in 2004 and he had a few relapses on coke, but then started drinking.
Quit drinking in mid fall of 2006 after accident, and got prescribed pain pills (hydrocodone) in 2006 unrelated from accident. Started on pills (not daily) but within about a year daily, and then abusing them. At the highest he takes about 10 a day, but learned to go on about 5-7 a day. We did the whole I keep the pills and hand them out and hide them, and him find them and get more. Me lock them up, him still get them, etc.....
Recently (5/11) he decided to quit on his own, and was sober from them for 56 days, but was using pot to help with the withdrawals, only a lil bit though. Then went back to doc, got pills and used them too quickly. At next doc appt doc drug tested him and there was no hydrocodone in his system, so he will no longer prescribe them. He then started buying about 10 pills a week from "acquaintances" etc...I just found out about 5-6 weeks ago that he was buying them. I thought he was "clean" since he quit in May.
Home situation: I am a stay at home full time homeschooling mom. He works fulltime, with about 60% travel throughout the year. I used to work fulltime and really carried the family but I quit 2 years ago to try to focus more on being a wife and mom. Sharing one vehicle, but we own 2. One has the transmission out. Own both vehicles free and clear. Have a mortgage. I am looking for fulltime work.
Boundaries:
He has to move out. My intent is not to divorce, but to follow through with a boundary I set that I could not keep doing this.
I am willing to do counseling as a couple, whatever, but he has to set it up. I will not.
I will not do anything to help him find counseling, programs, etc....he has to find them on his own.
He has to have 1 year - 12 straight months clean - to be able to move back in. His time starts when he moves out.
I will promise not to pursue any other relationship and to focus on get healthy myself. If I find out that he pursues a relationship, all bets are off and I will proceed to file for divorce.
We evaluate each month on where he is with a drug test, random.
He will give me enough money to pay mortgage each month and I will figure out the rest. The mortgage is only 900.00 each month (that will count as 'child support')
He can have access to the kids, and happy to do dates, whatever as long as he is clean.
???Is there something I am missing???? Never actually did this. Even when we separated in 2004 he mainly moved back in because his rent check bounced and was going to be kicked out. We started counseling, but I let him come back before he even had one month clean. Also, kinda confused about does he get any "mess ups" as far as, If I say one year clean, then in one year if he has not remained clean is that it?? Or do I say you have the next 15 months or 18 months and you have to be clean for 1 year????? I am a little confused about this part. As you can see from all the history, I wasn't raised with anyone to offer guidance. My real dad was great, but he died when I was just 10, so I never got any "true adult advice."
Thanks for all the help!!!
Background on me: My dad 28 yrs older than mom. Dad died when I was 10, mom married an alcoholic. Oldest child of 2, one sister. Step dad was very Emotionally abusive. I was sexually abused by older step brother for 5 years as well. Reported it when it started happening and he was removed from the home, but then allowed back in by parents about 6 months later. Then involved in DV relationships till I met my husband. He has never physically abused me or emotionally (as far as call names,etc).
Brief history:
Our ages: Both 36 (this year)
Married: 14 yrs this November. Together 15.
Children: 2 sons, 13 and 11, we had been dating for about 9 months when I found out I was pregnant and we decided to get married. Got married when I was 4 months pregnant one week after my 22nd birthday.
His addiction/Our relationship : 15 years. began with pot (daily) and occasional "whatever else", cocaine (3-4 times each year), opium(when it was available), and drinking (just socially). I did all of this with him, minus the drinking.
This went on til he quit pot in 2002 and I gave up everything. He then picked up cocaine more frequently. He also cheated on me in 2002 on a weekend trip to his home state of Louisiana, he took some "G" and went to a club and met some girl. After he came home he told me, and I began an "emotional affair" with my "first love" via email and he continued to email this girl. This went on for a few months, then both ended. He became a Functional "coke" user, on some weekends.
Separated for about 6 months in 2004 because he became a constant weekend user. Got back together in 2004 and he had a few relapses on coke, but then started drinking.
Quit drinking in mid fall of 2006 after accident, and got prescribed pain pills (hydrocodone) in 2006 unrelated from accident. Started on pills (not daily) but within about a year daily, and then abusing them. At the highest he takes about 10 a day, but learned to go on about 5-7 a day. We did the whole I keep the pills and hand them out and hide them, and him find them and get more. Me lock them up, him still get them, etc.....
Recently (5/11) he decided to quit on his own, and was sober from them for 56 days, but was using pot to help with the withdrawals, only a lil bit though. Then went back to doc, got pills and used them too quickly. At next doc appt doc drug tested him and there was no hydrocodone in his system, so he will no longer prescribe them. He then started buying about 10 pills a week from "acquaintances" etc...I just found out about 5-6 weeks ago that he was buying them. I thought he was "clean" since he quit in May.
Home situation: I am a stay at home full time homeschooling mom. He works fulltime, with about 60% travel throughout the year. I used to work fulltime and really carried the family but I quit 2 years ago to try to focus more on being a wife and mom. Sharing one vehicle, but we own 2. One has the transmission out. Own both vehicles free and clear. Have a mortgage. I am looking for fulltime work.
Boundaries:
He has to move out. My intent is not to divorce, but to follow through with a boundary I set that I could not keep doing this.
I am willing to do counseling as a couple, whatever, but he has to set it up. I will not.
I will not do anything to help him find counseling, programs, etc....he has to find them on his own.
He has to have 1 year - 12 straight months clean - to be able to move back in. His time starts when he moves out.
I will promise not to pursue any other relationship and to focus on get healthy myself. If I find out that he pursues a relationship, all bets are off and I will proceed to file for divorce.
We evaluate each month on where he is with a drug test, random.
He will give me enough money to pay mortgage each month and I will figure out the rest. The mortgage is only 900.00 each month (that will count as 'child support')
He can have access to the kids, and happy to do dates, whatever as long as he is clean.
???Is there something I am missing???? Never actually did this. Even when we separated in 2004 he mainly moved back in because his rent check bounced and was going to be kicked out. We started counseling, but I let him come back before he even had one month clean. Also, kinda confused about does he get any "mess ups" as far as, If I say one year clean, then in one year if he has not remained clean is that it?? Or do I say you have the next 15 months or 18 months and you have to be clean for 1 year????? I am a little confused about this part. As you can see from all the history, I wasn't raised with anyone to offer guidance. My real dad was great, but he died when I was just 10, so I never got any "true adult advice."
Thanks for all the help!!!
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Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: a better place
Posts: 4,047
Sounds like you have done some serious thinking about this. When I first started working on fixing me (rather than just trying to stay sane with addiction in my life) I thought boundaries were about rules I had that my loved one couldn't break. That didn't work out so well...it actually created more problems, and when i thought about it I realized why. How would I feel if my loved one gave me a list of do's and don'ts. we're both adults - heck i don't take kindly to someone telling me what to do and how to do it, and I am not an addict.
Once I read more about boundaries and tried to practice them in little ways, i came to learn the difference. Boundaries were about what was acceptable for me and what I would do if I found the situation unacceptable. Things like, I will not accept being treated with disrespect. If i believe I am, i will leave the situation. I will not allow drugs in my home. if you come in with drugs, you must leave. it may not seem that different, but when I shift the focus from what I want my loved one to do to what I am comfortable with, there is no room for argument, bartering, misunderstanding, etc. The boundary is for me - it isn't to control someone else or change his or her behavior.
I understand you are dealing with a spouse and part of this is about the relationship...That's something I have no experience with, but others will be along soon who can share how it worked for them. i think it is great that you are making it clear that whatever he does, it's on him, not you and that you will not live with active use or expose your kids to the same.
Once I read more about boundaries and tried to practice them in little ways, i came to learn the difference. Boundaries were about what was acceptable for me and what I would do if I found the situation unacceptable. Things like, I will not accept being treated with disrespect. If i believe I am, i will leave the situation. I will not allow drugs in my home. if you come in with drugs, you must leave. it may not seem that different, but when I shift the focus from what I want my loved one to do to what I am comfortable with, there is no room for argument, bartering, misunderstanding, etc. The boundary is for me - it isn't to control someone else or change his or her behavior.
I understand you are dealing with a spouse and part of this is about the relationship...That's something I have no experience with, but others will be along soon who can share how it worked for them. i think it is great that you are making it clear that whatever he does, it's on him, not you and that you will not live with active use or expose your kids to the same.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
Sounds like you are trying to control him.
On the practical front, how do you expect to manage when all he is doing is paying the $900 mortgage? Pulling occasional weeds for neighbors for $10/hr goes only so far.
Does this mortgage payment include PITI, principal, interest, taxes and insurance?
Where is health care insurance for you and the kids? Dental? What about co-pays?
How will utilities get paid?
What about mechanical breakdowns?
How will you feed yourself and the kids?
How will you put clothes on your kids?
What about the broken car and insurance, gas and upkeep for it?
Are you prepared to send your kids to a public school so your can seek employment outside the home?
Do you have credit card debt? School loans? Savings? 401K?
Every state has different parameters for child support. Do you know the standards for your own state?
Drug testing is best left in the hands of parole officers, not spouces. Any addict worth their salt knows how to scam a drug test or blames a dirty test on poppy seed bagels.
Addiction is progressive. Are you absolutely certain it is in your children's best interest to give a drug addict access to them?
On the practical front, how do you expect to manage when all he is doing is paying the $900 mortgage? Pulling occasional weeds for neighbors for $10/hr goes only so far.
Does this mortgage payment include PITI, principal, interest, taxes and insurance?
Where is health care insurance for you and the kids? Dental? What about co-pays?
How will utilities get paid?
What about mechanical breakdowns?
How will you feed yourself and the kids?
How will you put clothes on your kids?
What about the broken car and insurance, gas and upkeep for it?
Are you prepared to send your kids to a public school so your can seek employment outside the home?
Do you have credit card debt? School loans? Savings? 401K?
Every state has different parameters for child support. Do you know the standards for your own state?
Drug testing is best left in the hands of parole officers, not spouces. Any addict worth their salt knows how to scam a drug test or blames a dirty test on poppy seed bagels.
Addiction is progressive. Are you absolutely certain it is in your children's best interest to give a drug addict access to them?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: Jacksonville
Posts: 59
So, "Ottolunch" what boundaries would you expect me to use? I am not trying to control him, but I thought it was good to set expectations, so he is clear on where I am and what I expect. And as far as all the questions....is it better to let him stay then because I can't answer those questions? That was his argument, too. He asked, how were we going to manage, pay for things, etc....but I guess I will tell you like I told him. Separation isn't easy, I don't think it is supposed to be, and if I don't make the decision that he cannot stay in the home with the decisions he is making then nothing changes. Today he got off work and went and got 40.00 to buy pills, and apparently got "taken" and was given only 2 pills. Am I just supposed to accept that? What would you suggest??? I know that pulling weeds for $10 an hour isn't going to pay all the bills, and I only shared that because I am the type of person who isn't afraid of any type of work and there is no work that I see beneath me. I am planning on selling at a flea market some stuff I bought at an auction this weekend, and hope to make about 200.00 profit from an investment of 30.00, but honestly I do not have an answer. Yes the 900 includes taxes, insurance, and we have dealt with not having health insurance for over 4 years now since the economy took a nose dive, and have only had a period of a few months where we were covered. I have watched my family go from earning over 100K a year to surviving on about 30K a year. We have no debt except student loans (not too much) and our mortgage. We don't do credit cards. We are both fulltime college students right now as well. I wouldn't put my boys back in public school if I got a job working during the day, I would leave them home and help them with anything they couldn't do on their own during the day in the evening. They are old enough and mature enough to stay home during the day together. I just bought a bag of nice Tommy Hilfiger, GAP and Old Navy shirts for my oldest son today from a thrift store for $2 for 6 shirts. There are ways to "make it" but I don't expect it to be easy. I have found that most things in life that are worth it don't come on a silver platter. Yes, I know the standards for child support, I used to be a Paralegal, and 900 would be fair and almost exactly right. You can't take over 50% here in FL and that would be about 40%. I have thought about all of your questions, and like I said, I don't know all the answers, but I don't think I can continue to live with the alternative. If you have suggestions, I would love to hear them.
Greeteachday,
Thanks! It is hard when it is a spouse and I thought part of getting better was setting boundaries, of this is not acceptable.... The drug test is the only way I will know if he is clean. He isn't one of these drug users that gets so messed up, or you can visibly tell if he is on anything. He doesn't do pills to get messed up, he does the pills to feel normal. He acts perfectly "normal."
Guess I have no idea what a boundary is then......
Greeteachday,
Thanks! It is hard when it is a spouse and I thought part of getting better was setting boundaries, of this is not acceptable.... The drug test is the only way I will know if he is clean. He isn't one of these drug users that gets so messed up, or you can visibly tell if he is on anything. He doesn't do pills to get messed up, he does the pills to feel normal. He acts perfectly "normal."
Guess I have no idea what a boundary is then......
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
Boundaries are for YOU not for trying to control other people. These statements sound controling:
These are boundaries:
I will not live with a drug user or a person who has used drugs within the last year. I expect you to find somewhere else to stay immediately. If you do not leave, I will take the children and find somewhere else to stay until a judge settles this.
I will not be in a relationship with someone who cheats on me. If I suspect my husband is pursuing other relationships, I will file for divorce.
I will be honest and I will not accept lies or half truths from others. If I suspect someone is lying to me, I will no longer accept them as part of my life.
I will treat people in my life with respect and I expect others to treat me with respect. If a person is disrespectful to me, I will leave the situation immediately.
I will work on my own recovery by attending individual counseling and alanon meetings xxx days per week.
I will allow my husband the dignity of making his own choices regarding his recovery and counseling. I will not try to control or help him.
I will not leave my children in the care of someone whom I suspect is using drugs.
I will not allow the people in my life or my children's lives to be irresponsible when it comes to their financial obligations including the mortgage and child support to the tune of $900.00 per month, unless a judge says otherwise.
He has to move out. My intent is not to divorce, but to follow through with a boundary I set that I could not keep doing this.
I am willing to do counseling as a couple, whatever, but he has to set it up. I will not.
I will not do anything to help him find counseling, programs, etc....he has to find them on his own.
He has to have 1 year - 12 straight months clean - to be able to move back in. His time starts when he moves out.
I will promise not to pursue any other relationship and to focus on get healthy myself. If I find out that he pursues a relationship, all bets are off and I will proceed to file for divorce.
We evaluate each month on where he is with a drug test, random.
He will give me enough money to pay mortgage each month and I will figure out the rest. The mortgage is only 900.00 each month (that will count as 'child support')
He can have access to the kids, and happy to do dates, whatever as long as he is clean.
I am willing to do counseling as a couple, whatever, but he has to set it up. I will not.
I will not do anything to help him find counseling, programs, etc....he has to find them on his own.
He has to have 1 year - 12 straight months clean - to be able to move back in. His time starts when he moves out.
I will promise not to pursue any other relationship and to focus on get healthy myself. If I find out that he pursues a relationship, all bets are off and I will proceed to file for divorce.
We evaluate each month on where he is with a drug test, random.
He will give me enough money to pay mortgage each month and I will figure out the rest. The mortgage is only 900.00 each month (that will count as 'child support')
He can have access to the kids, and happy to do dates, whatever as long as he is clean.
I will not live with a drug user or a person who has used drugs within the last year. I expect you to find somewhere else to stay immediately. If you do not leave, I will take the children and find somewhere else to stay until a judge settles this.
I will not be in a relationship with someone who cheats on me. If I suspect my husband is pursuing other relationships, I will file for divorce.
I will be honest and I will not accept lies or half truths from others. If I suspect someone is lying to me, I will no longer accept them as part of my life.
I will treat people in my life with respect and I expect others to treat me with respect. If a person is disrespectful to me, I will leave the situation immediately.
I will work on my own recovery by attending individual counseling and alanon meetings xxx days per week.
I will allow my husband the dignity of making his own choices regarding his recovery and counseling. I will not try to control or help him.
I will not leave my children in the care of someone whom I suspect is using drugs.
I will not allow the people in my life or my children's lives to be irresponsible when it comes to their financial obligations including the mortgage and child support to the tune of $900.00 per month, unless a judge says otherwise.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: Jacksonville
Posts: 59
Hello-Kitty,
Thanks! I appreciate your recommendations on changing the phrasing. As I mentioned I have ordered the Beattie book and workbook, but will not get them til next week. I have read almost all the the "stickys" on this "family and friends" site. I just want things to be better and find myself again. Thank you!
Thanks! I appreciate your recommendations on changing the phrasing. As I mentioned I have ordered the Beattie book and workbook, but will not get them til next week. I have read almost all the the "stickys" on this "family and friends" site. I just want things to be better and find myself again. Thank you!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 174
Hi seekinganswrs,
I would like to second the recommendation by YearForMe on the book Co-Dependent No More. That was a blessing to me many years ago. I wish I still had my copy.
Something else caught my eye here that I wanted to comment on:
Sis, they may be old enough and mature enough to stay at home together, but they are only 11 and 13 - they are NOT old enough to self-educate. If kids of that age were, then there would be no need for junior high, high schools, charter schools, technical schools or even colleges.
Please speak to someone locally who can help you sort through the issues (as noted by hello-kitty) as well as any state/local/regulatory issues that you may need to adhere to.
I don't mean to frighten you - I am just asking you to get a trained ear to help you sort through all of this. I don't know which state you live in, but you very well could find your kids taken from you under abandonment and preventing them from getting an education! No - I am not joking.
You are dealing with 5 pounds of crap stuffed into a 3 pound bag right now and it WILL be overwhelming while you try to wrap your mind around what you need to do and what is best for your family. There is help available and any number of us would be more than willing to google up the folks who will help you sort through this for free in your community. That help is only a PM away.
Your plan to just let your kids stay home and fend for themselves could very well (LIKELY) find them ending up just like the other members of their bloodline. Out there in the cold cruel world, without a basic education, fighting for the few jobs available, and turning to drugs and alcohol to cope with the missed opportunities they are dealing with because they are starting their adult lives behind the proverbial pool table 8-ball.
Help is there, and it is free - take the opportunity to take advantage of that so that you consider everyone involved and do the right thing - for your recovery from this mess, and for your kids future.
I would like to second the recommendation by YearForMe on the book Co-Dependent No More. That was a blessing to me many years ago. I wish I still had my copy.
Something else caught my eye here that I wanted to comment on:
-- Children: 2 sons, 13 and 11
-- I am a stay at home full time homeschooling mom
-- I am looking for fulltime work.
-- I wouldn't put my boys back in public school if I got a job working during the day, I would leave them home and help them with anything they couldn't do on their own during the day in the evening. They are old enough and mature enough to stay home during the day together
-- I am a stay at home full time homeschooling mom
-- I am looking for fulltime work.
-- I wouldn't put my boys back in public school if I got a job working during the day, I would leave them home and help them with anything they couldn't do on their own during the day in the evening. They are old enough and mature enough to stay home during the day together
Please speak to someone locally who can help you sort through the issues (as noted by hello-kitty) as well as any state/local/regulatory issues that you may need to adhere to.
I don't mean to frighten you - I am just asking you to get a trained ear to help you sort through all of this. I don't know which state you live in, but you very well could find your kids taken from you under abandonment and preventing them from getting an education! No - I am not joking.
You are dealing with 5 pounds of crap stuffed into a 3 pound bag right now and it WILL be overwhelming while you try to wrap your mind around what you need to do and what is best for your family. There is help available and any number of us would be more than willing to google up the folks who will help you sort through this for free in your community. That help is only a PM away.
Your plan to just let your kids stay home and fend for themselves could very well (LIKELY) find them ending up just like the other members of their bloodline. Out there in the cold cruel world, without a basic education, fighting for the few jobs available, and turning to drugs and alcohol to cope with the missed opportunities they are dealing with because they are starting their adult lives behind the proverbial pool table 8-ball.
Help is there, and it is free - take the opportunity to take advantage of that so that you consider everyone involved and do the right thing - for your recovery from this mess, and for your kids future.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: PM me....
Posts: 468
Where I live, they have homeschool groups.
Different mothers that are homeschooling their children each take turns teaching a
subject, or a day...whatever the need is....
And the other mothers can go to a regular paying job that day.
Just a thought...you might consider looking into.
Different mothers that are homeschooling their children each take turns teaching a
subject, or a day...whatever the need is....
And the other mothers can go to a regular paying job that day.
Just a thought...you might consider looking into.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
Ok. let's start with the titleof this thread " need boundaries for my AH". Let's reframe this and say, "need boundaries for myself".
A boundary starts with "I will/will not". An attempt to control someone usually begins with " you will/will not" Seems to me you have one foot in each camp. Attempts to control other people don't work.
It saddens me that you are out there busting your butt pulling weeds and he is blowing money on pills. It saddens me further that you seem willing to let him have 60% of his income and no plan for how you will make ends meet.
Does it make sense to tend to the car repairs and get a job first instead of acting on a well intended impulse? Addiction is progresive. He could lose his job. He could blow all his money on drugs and the addict lifestyle. Then what?
Take your time and come up with a reasonable plan to sustain yourself and kids and let go of his outcome.
A boundary starts with "I will/will not". An attempt to control someone usually begins with " you will/will not" Seems to me you have one foot in each camp. Attempts to control other people don't work.
It saddens me that you are out there busting your butt pulling weeds and he is blowing money on pills. It saddens me further that you seem willing to let him have 60% of his income and no plan for how you will make ends meet.
Does it make sense to tend to the car repairs and get a job first instead of acting on a well intended impulse? Addiction is progresive. He could lose his job. He could blow all his money on drugs and the addict lifestyle. Then what?
Take your time and come up with a reasonable plan to sustain yourself and kids and let go of his outcome.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: In a good place
Posts: 4,482
I'd start a discussion about school. I'd be concerned about going from home to a public school, too, especially at their ages. How do your boys feel about it? What are the schools like in your area?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: Jacksonville
Posts: 59
Just going to comment on the "school thing." My boys were in private school 2 years ago. I used to work as a Social Worker for our State and leaving them (kids that are of age) home alone to do school is actually something that many Floridians do. Florida has a program called Florida VIrtual School, and the kids stay home and take online classes with an online teacher. It's actually very common. They can either keep their "homeschool" status or become district kids again. The accountant for the private school they were in actually had her child in FLVS and she stayed home. It's not abandonment, but thanks for the concern.
Member
Join Date: May 2009
Location: San Francisco, California
Posts: 36
If I left my kids alone they would be watching cartoons, trying to cook something on the stove, getting bored and bugging each other, and that is just what I know. What could happen is something I didn't think of. No one here is against you. Just asking you to consider other options.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 174
Originally Posted by seekinganswrs 
Just going to comment on the "school thing." My boys were in private school 2 years ago. I used to work as a Social Worker for our State and leaving them (kids that are of age) home alone to do school is actually something that many Floridians do. Florida has a program called Florida VIrtual School, and the kids stay home and take online classes with an online teacher. It's actually very common. They can either keep their "homeschool" status or become district kids again. The accountant for the private school they were in actually had her child in FLVS and she stayed home. It's not abandonment, but thanks for the concern.
Interesting.
I will look into that. Thanks for the heads up.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: Jacksonville
Posts: 59
I am not sure if you noticed, but my kids are not "pre-pre teen" The are 13 and 11 and are about to turn 12 and 14. In Florida kids who are 16 are allowed to completely drop out of school and the school district has no responsibility to even educate them at all or force them to go to school. Like I said, I worked in the legal field and as a Social Worker and as a Social Worker I fought tooth and nail because often times the schools would kick some of the kids I worked with out of school just to get them out of school and then they were stuck because they were 16 or over and ultimately GED bound. So sad.
My kids are very responsible. They wouldn't be watching cartoons and playing. When I have had to leave them they do exactly what is expected of them. They aren't allowed to play videogames during the week, have any friends over or go anywhere if I, or we are not home, and anything over a PG rating is blocked on my TV. They are much better off than in a public school or even private where kids are having sex with other kids in middle school bathrooms!!! In 4 more years and just a few months my oldest will be able to go fight and die for his country, and will be able to operate a motor vehicle in a little over a year, so I am not sure why any of you are so "astonished" that my kids can stay home during the day??? Have any of you had kids and had a 13 or 14 year old babysit your kids??????? I know I was babysitting kids by the age of 12. Think about how many millions of kids come home everyday to no parent because the parent doesn't get off of work when the kids do. If I worked a full time day job my kids would be getting off a bus after school, and going home to an empty house. My kids are in the 9th and 7th grade, and in those grades (really 6th and above) here in Florida they (the public or private schools) do not even offer "extended care" after school as they do in elementary school. All kids who are in 6th grade and up ride buses home to empty houses if their parents work a regular 9 to 5 job!!! Hundred of thousands of KIDS RIDE THE BUSES HOME TO EMPTY HOUSES everyday who are younger than my boys. So, why is this such an issue to most of you???
I really feel like most of you are attacking me in this area and it's really a mute point regarding addiction.
My kids are very responsible. They wouldn't be watching cartoons and playing. When I have had to leave them they do exactly what is expected of them. They aren't allowed to play videogames during the week, have any friends over or go anywhere if I, or we are not home, and anything over a PG rating is blocked on my TV. They are much better off than in a public school or even private where kids are having sex with other kids in middle school bathrooms!!! In 4 more years and just a few months my oldest will be able to go fight and die for his country, and will be able to operate a motor vehicle in a little over a year, so I am not sure why any of you are so "astonished" that my kids can stay home during the day??? Have any of you had kids and had a 13 or 14 year old babysit your kids??????? I know I was babysitting kids by the age of 12. Think about how many millions of kids come home everyday to no parent because the parent doesn't get off of work when the kids do. If I worked a full time day job my kids would be getting off a bus after school, and going home to an empty house. My kids are in the 9th and 7th grade, and in those grades (really 6th and above) here in Florida they (the public or private schools) do not even offer "extended care" after school as they do in elementary school. All kids who are in 6th grade and up ride buses home to empty houses if their parents work a regular 9 to 5 job!!! Hundred of thousands of KIDS RIDE THE BUSES HOME TO EMPTY HOUSES everyday who are younger than my boys. So, why is this such an issue to most of you???
I really feel like most of you are attacking me in this area and it's really a mute point regarding addiction.
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Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: Jacksonville
Posts: 59
FYI Here is a state by state listing of the legal ages (if any) that a child can stay home.
Latchkey Kids Legal Age Limits Listed By State
And just to add....before even leaving my kids home alone we did "small" increments of teaching and training. I would go walk at the park by my house (1 mile away) for 30 minutes and then built up the time slowly over the past year. The goal of parenting is that when your child is born you have 100% control and influence, but by the time they are 18 (legally an adult) that they have 100% control over themselves. That is the goal with my boys.
Latchkey Kids Legal Age Limits Listed By State
And just to add....before even leaving my kids home alone we did "small" increments of teaching and training. I would go walk at the park by my house (1 mile away) for 30 minutes and then built up the time slowly over the past year. The goal of parenting is that when your child is born you have 100% control and influence, but by the time they are 18 (legally an adult) that they have 100% control over themselves. That is the goal with my boys.
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Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 174
Originally Posted by seekinganswrs
Hundred of thousands of KIDS RIDE THE BUSES HOME TO EMPTY HOUSES everyday who are younger than my boys. So, why is this such an issue to most of you???
From the site you linked: http://www.latchkey-kids.com/
Latchkey kids or latch key children refer to younger students that return from school to an empty home because their parents are away at work.
Originally Posted by seekinganswrs
I really feel like most of you are attacking me in this area and it's really a mute point regarding addiction.
All that is being suggested is that you talk with a professional about how to extricate yourself from this position - everything from the boundaries list to the security of your kids futures. Don't try to go this alone. It isn't just your present and future at stake, it is theirs as well.
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