bothered by partial truths

Old 10-06-2011, 05:32 PM
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bothered by partial truths

My rabf has been sober for 20 months, and we have been seeing one another since January, after having been separated during his initial months of sobriety and recovery.

We still live apart, and this works well for both of us. We do spend a lot of time together, and we have been very happy.

There is something that bothers me tho, and I have kept it to myself thus far. His grown children have expressed their displeasure about our relationship in the past, and now he is not completely honest with them about us.

I in no way want to influence how he handles those relationships, nor do I want to come between them, or anything like that. It just hurts when I see it happen, and I feel myself shut down. I will also admit that anything but complete honesty brings me back to a time when he was active and not honest about many things.

He knows that I would like to meet them, but he will barely mention my name to them. They are entitled to their feelings, but I think it hurts that he goes along as though there is some reason to keep me hidden from them.

It just makes me feel bad, and I react. I am afraid that if I share it with him, he will force himself to do something differently, and I really do just want to let things unfold as they may. Even though I say nothing, I have a hard time hiding how I feel. It's like a switch gets flipped, and I feel less close to him when it happens.

Thanks for listening, and for any words of wisdom. I don't want to create a rift between us, and he can be defensive as well in certain instances.
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Old 10-06-2011, 05:45 PM
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Seeking, I totally understand how you feel.

I give him credit for being sober for that long, however, if you don't feel you can be honest with him about how you are feeling, that isn't healthy for you. Those bottled feelings build up inside and end up affecting your thoughts and behavior towards him because distrust is building.

The fact that you know he is being a little dishonest with his kids about his relationship with you would hurt me too. He has every right to disclose what he wants to his kids, but to lie about the relationship? That's certainly disrespectful to you. It doesn't feel good to feel like you are a secret. I've been there. And I ignored it, even though it bothered me; I wish I hadn't.

When trust has been broken in a relationship it is one of the most difficult things to rebuild. It takes a lot of commitment on both parts, and mostly HONESTY. You are not seeing that completely. Until you do, you will always question what is going on. It's going to be an internal roller coaster of emotion building inside again. And didn't you want to get off of that?

You should not feel like you have to walk on eggshells with your partner. That is not a sign of a healthy relationship either.
I'm sorry you are feeling this way though. If it's possible to have a rational conversation with him, you need to do that. There is no reason why you shouldn't be able to ask him why he's not really telling his kids he is with you. Not in an attacking kind of way, but in a normal, two adults sharing their feelings kind of way. Do you think this is possible?
If you don't, I would put some thought into your feelings about the situation for a bit.

Hugs.
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Old 10-06-2011, 05:49 PM
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Well, I am guessing that he has some deep rooted guilt issues pertaining to his children, and I have also found that many men don't want to hurt their ex's, as this person is "The Mother Of My Children".

This is not an uncommon behavior of men who do not have their priorties set.

I really don't have any advice, however, this may never become a relationship that you will be included in with his children. You may always be...the woman on the sideline.

I understand your feelings, I would feel exactly the same way.
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Old 10-06-2011, 05:50 PM
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Thanks Kittyboo. You are right, I do need to at least express to him how I am feeling.
I know why he deliberately avoids mentioning me. It's because they won't like it, and he doesn't want them to be upset with him. He doesn't want to rock that boat.
I just need to figure out a very non-judgemental way to do it. And I think the truth is I have some judgement about his dishonesty. It's not how I would handle any relationship in my life. But I hope I have come far enough in my own recovery to stay out of it.
So, I guess, what I am asking is...How to stay out of it, when it does affect how I feel about us?
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Old 10-06-2011, 06:12 PM
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Thank you so much for validating my feelings. We have a long history, he and I. And his children, although grown up, were very much influenced by his ex-wife when they split. I was not the cause of his divorce, but certainly was portrayed to be such by her.
Nor was he the cause of my divorce, which like his, took place 3 years ago now. While my daughter, still at home, adores my RABF, my son, away at college, is not crazy about the idea that his mom has a boyfriend, or that I am with someone other than his dad, but I do nothing to hide the extent of my relationship because of this. My son is entitled to his feelings, and I would never try to fool him. I feel that I can respect his feelings, and expect him to respect mine all at the same time. But my RABF doesn't seem to be able to do this where his own children are concerned. He'd rather just not go there. I feel like the elephant in the room.

They blame me for their parent's divorce, although he has told me that they have admitted to him that they could see their marriage was terrible for some time. It's unfortunate, and I guess the only thing to do is be true to myself, and honest about how I feel.
I am going to try.
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Old 10-06-2011, 06:18 PM
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Well, i've learned that one of the best ways to cope with things is to apply empathy to the subject.
If you can empathize with his decision to not tell his kids, that will help to relieve some of the hurt and that it feels personal.

I don't necessarily agree that not wanting to hurt their ex's is a valid reason. An ex is an ex, though you don't want to purposely hurt an ex, you have every right to live your life, and if you choose to be with another then the feelings of the person you choose to be with should be regarded.
Last time I let someone treat me a certain way for fear of hurting their ex, he went BACK to his ex! Ugh.

It's a tough situation, and you definitely have every right to your feelings about it. Once you have a discussion about it though, you may feel better that it's not bottled up inside. And then see how it plays out after. The only other choice I see, is to just do what said you want and try to stay out of it if you feel that would be better.
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Old 10-06-2011, 07:24 PM
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Sometimes it is just best to wear beige, smile, and say nothing at all
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Old 10-06-2011, 07:42 PM
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I have considered that too. And I have done just that, and I get over it, and life goes on, but then something else will happen, and I get that familiar, but not so much as before, pit in the stomach, and I know that for a time, I become less loving, and less warm to him, and sometimes I think if he'd only ask, I'd tell him why.
But he doesn't, and I guess that's part of who he is. He likes to avoid any unpleasantness or conflict, where I am happy to dive right in, because I think it makes for healthier, more authentic relationships.
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Old 10-07-2011, 07:34 PM
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seekingcalm, you have every right to express yourself to your BF regarding the situation,
expressing how you feel can be very theraputic, the dialogue can be very simple, I feel like this ........ when this happens......just express your thoughts. This is one of those touchy situations, If you say ....... YOU make me feel........ or YOUR kids make me feel........ that is opening up a whole different can of worms. You can only speak for yourself.

I can only speak as an outsider, my ex-husband has had a (few) SO in his life. Our adult daughters that range from 24-37 have chosen to be polite, but not interested in pursuing a relationship with the woman. Why, I cannot not tell you. It is their choice, they are adults. I know they have family dinners, I know they call their dad when they need advice, they will meet for weekends at the cottage, but they do not have a personal relationship with his current fiance.

I can only speculate that it has something to do with their relationship they had with their father long before the SO appeared in the picture.

So don't beat yourself up about the situation, it may very well not have anything to do with you. All we can do is put our best foot forward.......Wishing you the best
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