Reaching out.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2011
Location: UK.
Posts: 143
Reaching out.
Hello,
Ive been kinda off grid for a while. I found this forum and started to post and visit and read and comment and chat fairly often, and it helped. I made it to over a month sober, at that time I wasnt convinced I had a drink problem. I am beginning to think I was wrong.
I made some "friends" in here, one or two of them treated me a bit badly, (maybe just my own insecurities and paranioa, guess I wont ever know), and well I kinda sloped off with my tail between my legs.
In the last couple of months, I guess my drinking has slithered its way back into my life, before I was unemployed, so had the luxury of time, I could stay up all night and drink two or three bottles of wine, now I dont have that luxury, so am forced to cram my drinking into shorter hours. the downside of this is I have switched from wine and a little vodka, to a lot of vodka and a little wine. And I have become less secretive about it.
Last night, I was sat here alone, minding my own business, emptying another bottle of vodka when I got a text on my phone out of the blue from someone I briefly chatted to on here, as she is abroad from me I said that we should log on and talk for free. I dont think that she will ever know just how well she timed that random text.. It was just a "hello, how're you?" text, but it felt like someone was out there.. Thank you for that.
So, Just coming back online, with a belly full of vodka made me realise what I am doing, I suddenly felt overwhelmed with guilt and disgust. Iver been in a bad way for a little while but I guess I have been hiding it, from other people? or from myself? I dunno, but throughout the conversation, I told her something I had ZERO intention of telling her, and its way more information that she needs and it quite clearly states in the forum rules that you are not supposed to tell people when you are feeling so bad. So if you read this, I apologise...
Anyway,
Im not sure really why I am on here, typing this now, I guess I am trying, just Y'know, reaching out.
I could really use a friend right now. One who wont judge. I feel like my life is slipping out from within my fingers, part of me is scared whitless, and another part of me feels like just letting go.
Sorry, guys, just kinda needed to let that out... as you were people, back to your lives.
Ive been kinda off grid for a while. I found this forum and started to post and visit and read and comment and chat fairly often, and it helped. I made it to over a month sober, at that time I wasnt convinced I had a drink problem. I am beginning to think I was wrong.
I made some "friends" in here, one or two of them treated me a bit badly, (maybe just my own insecurities and paranioa, guess I wont ever know), and well I kinda sloped off with my tail between my legs.
In the last couple of months, I guess my drinking has slithered its way back into my life, before I was unemployed, so had the luxury of time, I could stay up all night and drink two or three bottles of wine, now I dont have that luxury, so am forced to cram my drinking into shorter hours. the downside of this is I have switched from wine and a little vodka, to a lot of vodka and a little wine. And I have become less secretive about it.
Last night, I was sat here alone, minding my own business, emptying another bottle of vodka when I got a text on my phone out of the blue from someone I briefly chatted to on here, as she is abroad from me I said that we should log on and talk for free. I dont think that she will ever know just how well she timed that random text.. It was just a "hello, how're you?" text, but it felt like someone was out there.. Thank you for that.
So, Just coming back online, with a belly full of vodka made me realise what I am doing, I suddenly felt overwhelmed with guilt and disgust. Iver been in a bad way for a little while but I guess I have been hiding it, from other people? or from myself? I dunno, but throughout the conversation, I told her something I had ZERO intention of telling her, and its way more information that she needs and it quite clearly states in the forum rules that you are not supposed to tell people when you are feeling so bad. So if you read this, I apologise...
Anyway,
Im not sure really why I am on here, typing this now, I guess I am trying, just Y'know, reaching out.
I could really use a friend right now. One who wont judge. I feel like my life is slipping out from within my fingers, part of me is scared whitless, and another part of me feels like just letting go.
Sorry, guys, just kinda needed to let that out... as you were people, back to your lives.
You won't be judged 
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2011
Location: UK.
Posts: 143
Thank you. Both of you.
Erm, Ive not really been able to convince myself AA is the way for me, I recognise the undeniable logic in it, but I really cannot cope withthe idea of people looking at me, and judging me.
The reality is, they probably wont be, but that wont stop the whole microscope sensation. am just a mass of contradictions.. I want someone to talk to me, to help me sort out the crazy, but I dont want anyone to see or know my crazy, and Im not sure I even know what my crazy is and how to define and describe it.
Erm, Ive not really been able to convince myself AA is the way for me, I recognise the undeniable logic in it, but I really cannot cope withthe idea of people looking at me, and judging me.
The reality is, they probably wont be, but that wont stop the whole microscope sensation. am just a mass of contradictions.. I want someone to talk to me, to help me sort out the crazy, but I dont want anyone to see or know my crazy, and Im not sure I even know what my crazy is and how to define and describe it.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: NJ
Posts: 20,458
I identify with your crazy...because i've had the same thoughts at times...keep posting, it definitely helps.
welcome back Bell !!! we've missed you. although you may not beieve it, i was thinking about how you had been MIA from whiners yesterday.
welcome back Bell !!! we've missed you. although you may not beieve it, i was thinking about how you had been MIA from whiners yesterday.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: New York
Posts: 35,731
((canterbell)) I've been in your shoes...wanting help, but so caught up in my addiction nothing made sense to me. Sometimes, I just needed a shoulder to lean on and to talk things through.
I see you are online.... Please come into chat ....I'll be happy to listen. :ghug3
I see you are online.... Please come into chat ....I'll be happy to listen. :ghug3
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: Sunny Florida
Posts: 304
Canterbell,
Please come into the chat room again! It was nice talking with you last night.
Dont worry about being crazy-I think we all are at times. SR has been the best thing for me so far but I do go to AA meetings and have never felt I was being judged.Glad you are here.
Please come into the chat room again! It was nice talking with you last night.
Dont worry about being crazy-I think we all are at times. SR has been the best thing for me so far but I do go to AA meetings and have never felt I was being judged.Glad you are here.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 256
Canterbell,
I feel the pain in your post...You are NOT alone. You're not. And just by reaching out, by taking a few moments to consider your situation, you're making progress. Something's gotta' change, if something's gonna change, and you're taking those baby steps by even posting here. It takes courage to do that. You're in the right place. No one here is perfect...and as imperfect folks trying to do the right thing for ourselves, and helping each other along the way, we all have that in common. And that's true no matter where a person is in their own journey and quest for an alcohol free life.
I once heard that when folks feel like throwing in the towel, they don't really want to, but rather, they just find their current situation so painful, and intolerable, and cannot even begin to imagine how to fix it. You can fix it. You have that ability. And many folks here will walk with you as you do.
Read it with me one more time...you are not alone. There is hope. There is a great life waiting for you.
Hugs,
Humble
I feel the pain in your post...You are NOT alone. You're not. And just by reaching out, by taking a few moments to consider your situation, you're making progress. Something's gotta' change, if something's gonna change, and you're taking those baby steps by even posting here. It takes courage to do that. You're in the right place. No one here is perfect...and as imperfect folks trying to do the right thing for ourselves, and helping each other along the way, we all have that in common. And that's true no matter where a person is in their own journey and quest for an alcohol free life.
I once heard that when folks feel like throwing in the towel, they don't really want to, but rather, they just find their current situation so painful, and intolerable, and cannot even begin to imagine how to fix it. You can fix it. You have that ability. And many folks here will walk with you as you do.
Read it with me one more time...you are not alone. There is hope. There is a great life waiting for you.
Hugs,
Humble
Member
Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 256
Canterbell -
Also, I automatically feel a kinship with you because of your Dorothy pic, and your Wicked Witch thingee's! Love that movie and those characters...
"I don't think we're in Kansas anymore..." <---so applicable here, no?
You are going to be ok! Little by little, you will!!!! I once had 4 months of not drinking under my belt, and let me tell you that at the time, I would've never thought that possible. I mean, seriously, no way. But I did it (and I even enjoyed it!). Then, I got it in my head I could have a "few". I wanted to have my cake and eat it too...Uh, yeah, not so much...so here I am again, a year and a half later, brushing myself off, and going, well, ok then...I guess it is what it is, and I'm going to stop, because I'm tired of hating myself for it, and for feeling physically awful half of every week. EVERY week. OMG. Madness.
Please keep posting! It helps!!
Also, I automatically feel a kinship with you because of your Dorothy pic, and your Wicked Witch thingee's! Love that movie and those characters...
"I don't think we're in Kansas anymore..." <---so applicable here, no?
You are going to be ok! Little by little, you will!!!! I once had 4 months of not drinking under my belt, and let me tell you that at the time, I would've never thought that possible. I mean, seriously, no way. But I did it (and I even enjoyed it!). Then, I got it in my head I could have a "few". I wanted to have my cake and eat it too...Uh, yeah, not so much...so here I am again, a year and a half later, brushing myself off, and going, well, ok then...I guess it is what it is, and I'm going to stop, because I'm tired of hating myself for it, and for feeling physically awful half of every week. EVERY week. OMG. Madness.
Please keep posting! It helps!!
Last edited by humblestudent; 10-06-2011 at 08:00 AM. Reason: Because there is a difference between, to, two and too...!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2011
Location: UK.
Posts: 143
I think the cake and eat it thing is probably where I went wrong. I really REALLY didnt think I had an issue with Alcohol, I think that I possibly over indulge a little bit. I almost said it last night, I almost said that I have a drink problem.
I have typed here and deleted like four times now. I have no words, someone stole my words...
I have typed here and deleted like four times now. I have no words, someone stole my words...
Keep On Keeping On
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: Michigan
Posts: 73
Hi Canterbell - This place keeps me in check. I know my brain is telling me to have a drink but I coming here each day makes me think that I would not only be letting myself down but letting people down here too. Join the October class. It works wonders to know that others are out there competing with the same devils that you are.
Welcome back!
Welcome back!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 256
Yeah...and you know, the actual words aren't so important to me now...I mean, they were. Definitely. I kept trying to figure out a way to intellectually understand where exactly I was on the drinking spectrum. "Heavy drinker?" Alcohol "Abuser"? "Alcoholic"? (Horrors, anything but that...!). But now, after many years - YEARS of going around and around in my head about it, I look more to how I interact with alcohol vs. obsessing about labeling myself (or not). That obsessing about the words actually distracted me from what was actually happening. I was trying to put it in a neat little box...not so easy.
So, now, I just kind of say to myself, whatever you call it...when I drink I always ALWAYS want more. I cannot go to a bar, have 2 drinks with someone and leave happy. I can leave, but guaranteed, I'll be 'mad' for having to ruin the "fun". Once I start, I don't want to stop. And I drink faster than anyone else. And, when I don't stop, I have a tendency to black out. A lot. Like pretty much every time. When I drink all weekend, I'm sicker than a dog for a good 2 days at least. Then, maybe have 2 good feeling days, and start the cycle all over every Friday. Again - just madness. Even crazier is how I will say to myself that I am DONE with it all, and 3 days later will pick up that first beer like, "What's the big deal? I deserve this." As I sit here on Thursday, I am hoping that I do not do that even tomorrow. Even after everything I've said!
There will always be people with "worse" drinking stories/daily experiences, and those with "less severe" drinking stories/daily experiences than you or me, or Joe down the street. So, all you've really got is your own experience...take a look at how it makes you feel, in your darkest moments, and ask yourself if you want more of that mess, or if you just want more of your brightest moments. Focus on that.
You don't have to "admit" anything to anyone but yourself, in your heart of hearts. Just my humble opinion on that.
And please be gentle with yourself.
So, now, I just kind of say to myself, whatever you call it...when I drink I always ALWAYS want more. I cannot go to a bar, have 2 drinks with someone and leave happy. I can leave, but guaranteed, I'll be 'mad' for having to ruin the "fun". Once I start, I don't want to stop. And I drink faster than anyone else. And, when I don't stop, I have a tendency to black out. A lot. Like pretty much every time. When I drink all weekend, I'm sicker than a dog for a good 2 days at least. Then, maybe have 2 good feeling days, and start the cycle all over every Friday. Again - just madness. Even crazier is how I will say to myself that I am DONE with it all, and 3 days later will pick up that first beer like, "What's the big deal? I deserve this." As I sit here on Thursday, I am hoping that I do not do that even tomorrow. Even after everything I've said!
There will always be people with "worse" drinking stories/daily experiences, and those with "less severe" drinking stories/daily experiences than you or me, or Joe down the street. So, all you've really got is your own experience...take a look at how it makes you feel, in your darkest moments, and ask yourself if you want more of that mess, or if you just want more of your brightest moments. Focus on that.
You don't have to "admit" anything to anyone but yourself, in your heart of hearts. Just my humble opinion on that.
And please be gentle with yourself.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 256
One more thing...I will say, that reading here a LOT has helped me understand that all the things I described, the blacking out, the crazy thinking about it, the wanting more alcohol once I start...I have seen so many posters saying these same things. So, looking at the behavior, and reading others' experiences has definitely helped me identify that "this is not normal" (again, whatever word one wants to use), it's destructive to me physically, mentally, socially - you name it. And that, at the very least is a problem. Part of the issue with alcohol is that it sneaks up on you, and you're goose is half cooked before you even realize you jumped in the pan! For me, posting here, helped me realize I was in the pan, frying away.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2011
Location: UK.
Posts: 143
I hear you Humble...
I am trying to be brave and get to grips with the fact my life is sucky rubbish. And the harsh realisation that it is all my own fault. I never really wanted anything unachieveable, or unrealistic, i just thought i was destined for more than this. When i'm drinking, i dont care. Whether i am a happy drunk, or a morose drunk or even the rare, but sometimes present angry drunk, i can feel something, which having read lots of posts contradicts what many of you say of yourselves. I drink for several different reasons, one of which is to quieten the noises in my head, another is to simply feel.
how does that work??
ok, its 6pm here, and i really want a drink, i drained the last couple of bottles last night. The shame of it is, i am considering going to my neighbour (who i am cat sitting for) and stealing her Brandy..
Im typing this load of drivel in a bid to distract myself..
I am trying to be brave and get to grips with the fact my life is sucky rubbish. And the harsh realisation that it is all my own fault. I never really wanted anything unachieveable, or unrealistic, i just thought i was destined for more than this. When i'm drinking, i dont care. Whether i am a happy drunk, or a morose drunk or even the rare, but sometimes present angry drunk, i can feel something, which having read lots of posts contradicts what many of you say of yourselves. I drink for several different reasons, one of which is to quieten the noises in my head, another is to simply feel.
how does that work??
ok, its 6pm here, and i really want a drink, i drained the last couple of bottles last night. The shame of it is, i am considering going to my neighbour (who i am cat sitting for) and stealing her Brandy..
Im typing this load of drivel in a bid to distract myself..
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