lilhaze

I am new and this is my first post.

I have been drinking everyday for the last 6 years. It has gone from a few beers a day to the point where I could drink 1 pint of vodka and some beers each day. I have gained 50 pounds - the alcohol has been so powerful that even being an anorexic and obsessed about my weight, it didn't matter to me anymore. This all started after my separation and divorce after 12 years of marriage. I am 38 years old and have had a wonderful boyfriend (although he drinks occassionally or sometimes when I do to "just put up with me") that has been by my side and gone through hell and back with me for the last 6 years. I also have an 11-year-old son in the middle of all this.

Anyway, I'm on only my 3rd day of sobriety and am bound and determined to quit drinking. I have come to completely hate the person I see in the mirror everyday. My issue is that I feel like I'm going crazy. I'm seeing so much more in my life and actually "feeling" a whole lot of different emotions that I used to just cover up with alcohol. I can't sleep at night and always am up late. It's almost like I'm scared to go to sleep. I am agitated over everything and crying at the drop of a hat. I have the nightmares and cold sweats when I do fall asleep. I am experiencing the feeling of loneliness everyday when my son goes to school and my boyfriend goes to work. (I'm home alone all day because I lost my job of 4 years...yes, because of my drinking.) I also feel extremely lonely and cry when they fall asleep at night and I'm still up. I quit drinking to make my life better and be better towards my family.....but, it seems that's not what has been happening. I feel like my whole last 6 years keeps flashing before my eyes...all the regrets, all the things I've missed. I just feel like a mess. I feel like I'm still putting my family through hell along with myself. I just don't understand what is happening to me....I thought good things happen when you don't drink.

kcvalentine

Stay the course, lil. I had a really hard time with withdrawl symptoms a couple of weeks ago. If you can, go to the doctor. If it gets really bad go to the emergency room. I found vitamins helpful along with lots of water. Your body is releasing a build up of toxins and its going to take some time but it will get better...and soon. I know it's scary and difficult but you are worth it. I'm really proud of you.

xo,
kc

gr8ful42day

It will get better. Stick with it. ^5 on taking one day at a time, 3 days is awesome!

Have you thought about AA meetings...I love going and it has helped me A LOT.

Jump in chat (button on top right) if you need to talk to others who understand exactly what you are going through.

lilhaze

Thank you, KC for your response. I have been seeing a doctor for major depression and anxiety for many years..even before I started drinking. I am currently on Wellbutrin and Cymbalta, along with thyroid meds. Yes, I drank even while taking these drugs. I've also been on many other antidepressants throughout the years. Now that I'm unemployed and have no health insurance, I no longer "see" the doctor, but continue to take my meds. I'm trying to get off the Cymbalta, because there's no way I can afford that without insurance. Anyway, now I feel even crazier sharing all that.

I don't want to give up. Today, I was fighting with my boyfriend and wanted to drink. But, instead, I went outside and walked to release the aggression. Actually crying at times throughout the walk (thank God for sunglasses). I ended up walking around 2 miles and felt much calmer when I came home. My boyfriend was very happy and asked for a hug. Normally, I would go drink and come home wasted.

The crying, the constant talking, the racing thoughts and the not being able to sleep is just making things very hard. I know a drink would make all that go away, but I don't want to drink.

eJoshua

Welcome to SR! Congratulations on your decision to quit drinking.

Many of us make the mistake when we quit of assuming that change will be immediate. Unfortunately, when you have spent 6 years messing up your life it is unrealistic to expect things to improve within a matter of days.

I'm sorry things are so rough for you right now. In my experience, it seems that things typically get worse before they get better when you first quit. The first 30 days were the hardest for me. It wasn't until I was 30 days sober that I could begin working through some of the reasons behind my drinking (or the -ism of alcoholism). Until I was able to start working on repairing the emotional, mental and spiritual damage I had caused myself by drinking, and had tried to escape from by drinking, I was unable to make any progress in achieving peace in my life.

Try to check out an AA meeting if you have never been to one. Especially in early recovery it is important to surround yourself with support and I found AA was a great way to feel safe and know that I would be among friends.

Best wishes to you in your journey!

CarolD

you are de toxing from the alcohol....this part is almost over...
I don't know about useing the meds you are on...that too may be a factor.

Welcome....all my best to the 3 of you as you begin to move forward..:

Dee74

Hi lilhaze
some great advice here

It takes a little while for our minds and bodies to heal themselves...I drank for 20 years - it was a little too optimistic for me to think I'd be ok and over it in a week

you'll find a lot of support and encouragement here

Welcome
D

lilhaze

After ruining all my friendships it's nice to know there are still people out there who understand and care. Thank u all for your responses!

luv2all

Hi Lilhaze, and welcome. We're here to share our experience, strength and hope with you and would love for you to keep coming back so that we can get to know you better and offer you encouragement along the way. It would be greatly beneficial if you could get to some face-to-face meetings and the sooner, the better!

I, too, had to be reminded that I could not expect happy sobriety in a few weeks, or even a few months, after my 5-6 year drinking career! I was also told that good things don't come easy! But the more meetings I attended, the faster my growth was and I kept wanting more. You will, too.

Good luck to you and please be patient. You won't be sorry.

luv2all

yeahgr8

Like has been suggested a few times in the thread you could go to AA, there you will find people that have gone through what you are going through and a solution.

RyanRed

First and foremost - You have recently just made one of the best decisions in your entire life. You may not know that right now, or at least it sure doesn't feel like it at this very second, but trust me you have.

I was in your shoes just a few months ago. I went through detox hell just like you. I too also hated to look at myself in the mirror. Who was this creature I was staring at? Is that me? What happened to me? How did I get like this!? Well, the truth of the matter is we weren't looking at ourselves. OH we were in there all right, but that wasn't us. We were starring at alcoholism smack dab in the eye, and boy oh boy what an ugly monster that is.

So my friend, 3 days! Just awesome! But know 3 days isn't enough time for that monster to just vanish already. We spent years fueling him, and hes used to getting fed, but he will get weaker though. Currently your in an epic arena battle with him right now . So far you are winning! But mind you, any sip of alcohol will just fuel that beast right back up, and he will take the upper hand. So don't feed the beast! You want to win this battle trust me! When you do, you will understand why. I can sit here all day and tell you how great I feel, but it will give you no justice until you truly feel it for yourself.

I commend you con coming here as well. I can honestly say this forum has been my #1 tool on my path to recovery. You can be honest here, and people wont judge you. Someone will always understand and relate to you here. If you have a hard time finding sober people around you, well come here! This place is flooded with them! So please feel free just to rant, or post whatever is on your mind. It does help.

Also I too struggle with anxiety. So I know that crap all to well. It may seem to spin out of control at times, and other times its no where to be found. But don't give into it. It can play games with your mind, and especially to someone newly sober. If you ever have any question you think I can help you with, please feel free to send me a private message. I would love to share any incite I have. I'm no expert, but would gladly dish out anything I can to help.

Stay strong my friend! You will get over this hump if you truly want too. And I know you do! Your absolutely headed down the right path now. Just keep with it!

-Ryan

least

Welcome to the family.

TodayImFree

Lil,

I struggled many years trying to get past those first few days and always fell back into the grips of alcohol. Congratulations on three days it truly is a miracle and it will get better. I drank daily for over 20 years starting in my late teens so I came to realize that perhaps it may take a little time to address the damage done and this community is a great resource, I also found AA plays a critical part because I drank alone for many of those years(eventhough I'm married with two children) and getting outside and talking with those who share my experiences has been a blessing.

I went to great lengths daily to drink and when I finally surrendered I felt I should go to great lengths as well. For me that included starting my path with being honest with my Doctor(who I only went to when I drank myself sick,although I would never tell her) putting a treatment center stay on my credit card and reaching out when I need help.

I learned as an alcoholic if i just remove the alcohol i'm left with the ic so i need to focus on addressing that ic to have a happy sober day. Also I learned that I was not a bad person looking for forgiveness but a sick person wanting to get better and there are a lot of people who want to help if I let them.

Have a happy sober day and remember you are never alone.

soberwingz

Lilhaze,

Welcome to SR and thanks for sharing your story. You have indeed found a community that understands you and is oh so willing to reach out and support you. We all have come here seeking sanity from the monster that is addiction.

I know it seems very difficult for you right now, but please remember the pain you feel today will diminish over time and it is a certainty that you will find a life with peace and calmness and freedom. It just takes time and a few hard lessons learned in the process.

You may not know it now..but you sharing your story with all of us has already served to wake someone else up to a sober life or has given someone else the courage to say I won't drink today.

Thank you so much and welcome to SR.

iliveforyou

Lil,

Welcome to SR, we are all here for you. You have made the best decision you could've made - congrats on not drinking. Don't feel crazy for sharing that you are on psych meds as well. I've been on psych meds for the past 11 years, since I was 17. There is no shame in seeking help and needing it. That is a shame about not having insurance and being unemployed, I know all these psych meds can get very expensive. Anyway, I'm proud of you for not picking up and sharing your story - very likely someone will be reading this and gaining the courage to stop drinking/using. Recovery is possible, keep up the great work. I know it's hard but you can do this.

-Jess

sugarbear1

Welcome & congratulations on your decision & time!

ttbp

Welcome - I can identify a lot with your story. I too started drinking daily following a messy (and financially crippling) divorce.

You are in the right place. Well done on your three days. One day at a time, you can do this