ACA...... but not always from Alcohol
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Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Irish
Posts: 552
ACA...... but not always from Alcohol
I know People in ACA that never seen there Parents drink,and they dont drink themselves.
But the relationship in there Family of origion was very Dysfunctional.
Cold,unloving,Violent in voice...................been put down,constantly shouted at,never good enough,etc.
The Laundry List is what shows up this dysfunction.
The disease of ..................I'll call it...... Angerism.
This can be in a Family even where there is no Alcoholism.
It can be from Parents that use Benzos on a Constant basis.
It can come down through the Generations................A great Grandfather/ GrandMother........who abused Alcohol/Pills .
This is the Great list that Told me.........what went on in my Home was not my Fault,and most of all I can Stop the Dysfunction travelling any further.
The Laundry List – 14 Traits of an Adult Child of an Alcoholic
We became isolated and afraid of people and authority figures.
We became approval seekers and lost our identity in the process.
We are frightened of angry people and any personal criticism.
We either become alcoholics, marry them or both, or find another compulsive personality such as a workaholic to fulfill our sick abandonment needs.
We live life from the viewpoint of victims and we are attracted by that weakness in our love and friendship relationships.
We have an overdeveloped sense of responsibility and it is easier for us to be concerned with others rather than ourselves; this enables us not to look too closely at our own faults, etc.
We get guilt feelings when we stand up for ourselves instead of giving in to others.
We became addicted to excitement.
We confuse love and pity and tend to "love" people we can "pity" and "rescue."
We have "stuffed" our feelings from our traumatic childhoods and have lost the ability to feel or express our feelings because it hurts so much (Denial).
We judge ourselves harshly and have a very low sense of self-esteem.
We are dependent personalities who are terrified of abandonment and will do anything to hold on to a relationship in order not to experience painful abandonment feelings, which we received from living with sick people who were never there emotionally for us.
Alcoholism is a family disease; and we became para-alcoholics and took on the characteristics of that disease even though we did not pick up the drink.
Para-alcoholics are reactors rather than actors.
But the relationship in there Family of origion was very Dysfunctional.
Cold,unloving,Violent in voice...................been put down,constantly shouted at,never good enough,etc.
The Laundry List is what shows up this dysfunction.
The disease of ..................I'll call it...... Angerism.
This can be in a Family even where there is no Alcoholism.
It can be from Parents that use Benzos on a Constant basis.
It can come down through the Generations................A great Grandfather/ GrandMother........who abused Alcohol/Pills .
This is the Great list that Told me.........what went on in my Home was not my Fault,and most of all I can Stop the Dysfunction travelling any further.
The Laundry List – 14 Traits of an Adult Child of an Alcoholic
We became isolated and afraid of people and authority figures.
We became approval seekers and lost our identity in the process.
We are frightened of angry people and any personal criticism.
We either become alcoholics, marry them or both, or find another compulsive personality such as a workaholic to fulfill our sick abandonment needs.
We live life from the viewpoint of victims and we are attracted by that weakness in our love and friendship relationships.
We have an overdeveloped sense of responsibility and it is easier for us to be concerned with others rather than ourselves; this enables us not to look too closely at our own faults, etc.
We get guilt feelings when we stand up for ourselves instead of giving in to others.
We became addicted to excitement.
We confuse love and pity and tend to "love" people we can "pity" and "rescue."
We have "stuffed" our feelings from our traumatic childhoods and have lost the ability to feel or express our feelings because it hurts so much (Denial).
We judge ourselves harshly and have a very low sense of self-esteem.
We are dependent personalities who are terrified of abandonment and will do anything to hold on to a relationship in order not to experience painful abandonment feelings, which we received from living with sick people who were never there emotionally for us.
Alcoholism is a family disease; and we became para-alcoholics and took on the characteristics of that disease even though we did not pick up the drink.
Para-alcoholics are reactors rather than actors.
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Join Date: Nov 2011
Posts: 16
Just read this post today and had to respond. I 100% certain that my mother never touched a drop of alcohol and was not taking drugs. But I have all the ACOA characteristics and patterns. My Dad drank when he was younger but quit when they got married, he was the passive parent.
I can remember watching a John Bradshaw PBS show in the early 80s and thinking "Wow, that sounds like me but it can't be because my parents aren't alcoholics." So it took me a long time to come to the realization that my anxiety, depression, resentment, anger were rooted in those very early years of my life seeking to be the perfect, good little girl.
I can remember watching a John Bradshaw PBS show in the early 80s and thinking "Wow, that sounds like me but it can't be because my parents aren't alcoholics." So it took me a long time to come to the realization that my anxiety, depression, resentment, anger were rooted in those very early years of my life seeking to be the perfect, good little girl.
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 95
I've always lived with my parents and grandparents. I'm 21 now and an only child. This house has always been filled with angry screams, fighting, coldness. I've never seen my mother speak to my grandparents in my life, and my father speak with his father, even though we have always lived together.
I havent seen alcohol abuse here either but there was a lot of prescription drugs abuse by my grandmother.
I have almost all the traits of an ACOA
I havent seen alcohol abuse here either but there was a lot of prescription drugs abuse by my grandmother.
I have almost all the traits of an ACOA
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Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Starting over all over again
Posts: 4,426
The name "Adult Children of Alcoholics" started back in the late 70's because that's the type of dysfunctional family that was first studied. A social worker by the name of Claudia Black did the first research with children she was working with while the Alcoholic parents attended group therapy.
Now she's Dr. Black, and the concept of a "Dysfunctional" or "Toxic" family is known to be the cause of all kinds of issues. The old name stuck, even though everybody knows it's not the alcohol that harms the children, it's the insanity of the adults.
Perhaps someday we'll change the name to "Adult Children of Toxic Families", or something similar.
Mike
Now she's Dr. Black, and the concept of a "Dysfunctional" or "Toxic" family is known to be the cause of all kinds of issues. The old name stuck, even though everybody knows it's not the alcohol that harms the children, it's the insanity of the adults.
Perhaps someday we'll change the name to "Adult Children of Toxic Families", or something similar.
Mike
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Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Under the Rainbow
Posts: 1,086
Perhaps someday we'll change the name to "Adult Children of Toxic Families", or something similar.
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Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Washington, DC
Posts: 456
Originally Posted by GingerM 
oooh, can we have a contest? How about "Adult Children of People More Messed Up Than We Are" I'm sure if I thought long enough, I could come up with a great acronym name...
Adult Children from Dysfunctional Clans (AC/DC)
;-)
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Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Richmond
Posts: 7
I definitely identify with this list. As I was reading I thought, "did some one steal my diary?" I have never felt normal and now I know why. I had no idea that there are so many others out there that feel the same way I feel. I'm so glad I found this place. 
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Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Starting over all over again
Posts: 4,426
Hello BobbiJo, and welcome to our little corner of recovery
I always find it amazing how similar our stories are. Perhaps not in the details, but in the feelings and in the "garbage" that the toxic adults force upon us as children. Knowing that all those crazy-making feelings were not _my_ doing was such a liberating feeling for me. Like you said, I never felt normal, but now I know that I am normal, and it's my parents who were crazy.
Mike
I always find it amazing how similar our stories are. Perhaps not in the details, but in the feelings and in the "garbage" that the toxic adults force upon us as children. Knowing that all those crazy-making feelings were not _my_ doing was such a liberating feeling for me. Like you said, I never felt normal, but now I know that I am normal, and it's my parents who were crazy.
Mike
Member
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Under the Rainbow
Posts: 1,086
I have never felt normal and now I know why
I stopped trying to be "normal". I don't want to be "normal". I want to be healthy! Every day I start over again, seeing what I can do to be more healthy and function in healthier ways. To heck with the rest of the people and to heck with their norm. I don't want to be obnoxious and self-centered and treating others as though they're something on the bottom of my shoe that I accidentally stepped in. I want to treat people with compassion and kindness, and if that's not possible, at the very least civility and courtesy.
Adult Children from Dysfunctional Clans (AC/DC)
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