keikei

Not really sure on how to go on about this because I was never good at opening up to strangers. I've been to this site a few times but I never attempted to say or do anything before and now I thought I'd give it a try because I'm at such a loss.

A little about myself, I'm not a drug user. I've never touched drugs in a recreational manner nor have I ever had the desire too. This isn't because I think I'm perfect and righteous, the whole 'scene' never appealed to me.

I met my (ex) boyfriend almost half a year ago. He was my first genuine boyfriend. He was nice, sweet, charming and always wanted to spend time with me. I never suspected he was into drugs or anything besides the occasional weed smoking, which didn't bother me.

Long story short, there was huge incident almost 3 months ago in which he was using cocaine behind my back and I was being accused of cheating and stealing (and I'm assuming this is because of the extreme paranoia cocaine causes? not because I actually did anything wrong) and so forth, I forgave him. I really did because I had hope he would get the help he needed and continue living sober.

Well now, I can't say that is so much. He did it again and the same strings were pulled. He started hanging around that same 'group' that was apparently telling him all these horrible things about me (such as sleeping around, doing drugs behind HIS back and stealing his car without his permission for goodness sakes!)

He keeps saying he isn't lying to me and never has and doesn't believe I did anything wrong BUT then he goes to someone else, such as a family member, and tells a different story that I'm responsible for stealing his car and I'm a big liar. And you know another thing which totally infuriated me, he wants me to take a drug test to PROVE I'm clean.

I know this is just the drug talking and there is a reason why he is my 'ex' now. I forgave him once, but there's no way I'm going to take this kind of treatment anymore. I know that I will look like the bad guy to him because I'm not seeing it from his perspective...well what about my perspective? my feelings? the respect I had for him and now it's gone? Doesn't it all matter to him? Because I know in a few days tops I'm going to hear the 'I'm sorry' 'I didn't mean it!' JUST like last time.

I really needed a vent and I hope there's someone out there that truly did care for a person but you can no longer go on and continue being with someone that causes so much grief.

suki44883

Welcome to SR, keikei! This place is chock full of people who care for an addict but had to let them go. You either save yourself or you go down with the addict. Glad you realized there's nothing you can do for him and decided to take care of yourself. It takes some people years and years to realize that. Again, welcome to SR! You'll find a lot of support here.

YearForMe

Keikei.....

This is exactly why we date, to see what the other person has to offer the relationship.

dollydo

Welcome, I believe that all of us truly cared or do care about our addict. You see, we who post here in the Family and Friends forum are codies...we want to believe...we want to help...we want to control...we are as sick as the addict.

On the flip side, addicts deflect, addicts lie, addicts will say anything to trigger ones codieness.

This is a new relationship, why not let him go and move on with your life. There is no future with him.

keikei

Thanks for all the replies so far.

I realize that there is no future anymore and the only thing to do is let go, it might have taken me a while but now I see it clear as day and I'm glad I can walk away finally instead of years from now. I should never have bothered to try and be his 'miracle cure' since that first incident but you're right, I'm a codie and I finally want to break the vicious cycle.

sTiLlhErE1986

You defiently have found the right place to vent! We all know how you feel! I hope you can stick to your guns and not let him talk himself into your good graces again. A saying I have read a lot around here is "look at the addicts actions, not at their words." My EXABF was the king of manipulation and would just say what I wanted to hear, but you seem to be headed in the right direction! Just worry about yourself and it will all work out!

hello-kitty

Welcome. You are headed in the right direction. Be good to yourself. If you start having second thoughts, just ask yourself, what is the WISE choice?

Sometimes it helps to write down your personal goals and the actions you need to take to achieve them. It will give you a plan for your life and a huge feeling of accomplishment that will help you recover from the loss of your relationship. Even if it's the right thing, breaking up hurts. But moving forward with your life and finding someone who truly deserves you will feel really good.

Kindeyes

One of the classic addict behaviors is blame shifting. Instead of taking responsibility for themselves and their addiction, they will try to point out the flaws (often imaginary flaws) of others. If they can make us feel this "false guilt" it somehow lessens their own.

You deserve a partner who supports you and brings out the best in you. We all do.

gentle hugs
ke

keikei

Thanks again guys, getting this off my chest has really helped me start to move on for good. It's been difficult, he still calls me to update me he's going to detox because his family wants nothing to do with him right now (he was stealing money from them, I'm positive...either way he 'borrowed' money and never fully replaced it).

I never personally dealt with someone with an addiction before but now I can see the patterns, the behaviors that ALL addicts have and it's so true. So, so, so true. I wish I came here earlier, besides that **** pulled back in July, there was a few more close calls always INVOLVING drugs (usually pot, but still. I know people will try to swindle other stuff)....yeah, you want to get clean? Stay the hell away from anything to do with that stuff.

I feel so foolish for falling for him and believing he would change. Right now I wish I could forget everything about him.

hello-kitty

I used to have a 24 hour rule. I set his ringtone to silence and he would go straight to voicemail. Then I required myself to wait 24 hours before or IF I decided to call him back.

Eventually the 24 hour rule turned into a no-contact rule and I changed my phone number...

I no longer wanted ANY of his drama in my life or taking up space in my life.

And I have a child with him. But I just couldn't take it anymore. You could have stuck a fork in me because I was done with a capital D.

sunshineandrain

You're so much better off. You did the right thing by being strong, kei kei.

hope213

we all can give advice.. my advise is to let him go. no man especially an addict is worth what he is doing to you & for what? he is doing this now then what? u are worth more than this. keep coming back. we r here for you. welcome to S.R. where you can get all the info & loving care u can handle.

keikei

It really sucks, guys. I'm very depressed right now. It's Thanksgiving holiday here in Canada and I know he's alone (like I said, his family doesn't want him right now)

That sweet, loving and forgiving co-dependent in me just wants to find him and tell him it's alright. When it's not.
A doctor can tell him he's going to kill himself if he keeps doing it and he'll stop but when a friend or family member says something, we're just crazy.
Will addicts really stop if it's a life or death situation? Somehow, I'm doubting it.

dollydo

Unfortunately, he has made his decsion to use, he has created this situation and now must live with his choices, for every bad action, there is a bad reaction.

As for stopping due to a life and death situation, very few do. The disease hijacks their minds, their souls.

Please try and enjoy your holiday. I know, easier said than done.