I am in desperate need of help. Please read.

Old 10-05-2011, 11:49 AM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: texas
Posts: 1
I am in desperate need of help. Please read.

Thank you in advance to anyone who is reading this, and an even bigger thank you to anyone who can help me.

This involves my boyfriend of 4 years.
Since about the 1st year of our relationship, he has smoked marijuana regularly.
I've been on and off about how I feel about him doing this. He's in school now where he's studying criminal justice and he talked about how he knew he had to quit over the summer because of his career choice, but it didn't stop.

He's been hanging out with a friend lately (That I can't stand, he's so screwed up and I was scared that he was dragging my boyfriend down with him) and ditching me to go hang out with him. I assumed they were smoking, but a few weeks ago he told me they had been doing pills as well. I kept telling him to not hang around him because he's bad news, but he didn't listen.

Last night I went to visit my boyfriend and he was acting really weird and kept telling me that things were going to change and that he didn't know if it was going to be great or completely horrible. I was so confused that I just kept laughing and saying I didn't know what he was talking about. After talking for a while I finally told him that I was tired of him hanging around his friend (we'll call him John) and getting high all the time. I told him that I wanted it to stop. I told him that if he wanted a future with me that he had to stop because 3 years of this was too much. He just broke down and asked me if I wanted to know what happened this weekend. I said yes. He told me that him and John spent the entire weekend smoking, doing pills, and snorting cocaine. My mind was blown. Never in my life did I think that it would ever get this far. I was so shocked and disgusted that I didn't know what to do. He spent $600 dollars on it in one weekend. He completely broke down (which he NEVER does, I've never seen him cry this hard. He was shaking and could barely talk) and started telling me how disgusted he was in himself and how scared he was and how badly he needs my help to get over all of this. He was begging me not to leave him, he was so scared. I told him that it had to stop. He can't go down this road and it all has to stop. Everything. He agreed.

Now here's where I need help.
How can I help him? I'm an hour away from him so I don't know what I can do.

Please, I'm begging you. Just tell me what I can do to get him out of this and help him clean up.
Jillian2k11 is offline  
Old 10-05-2011, 12:10 PM
  # 2 (permalink)  
RIP Sweet Suki
 
suki44883's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,725
You can't. He has to do this himself, IF he truly wants to. The very best thing for you to do is get yourself to an al-anon or nar-anon meeting. If your boyfriend wants to quit using, he'll do it whether you are around or not. If he wants to use, he'll do it whether you are around or not. It's just that simple.
suki44883 is offline  
Old 10-05-2011, 12:11 PM
  # 3 (permalink)  
Member
 
Justlizzyd's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 164
I agree find a support group and/or counselor.
Justlizzyd is offline  
Old 10-05-2011, 12:17 PM
  # 4 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
Welcome. I have some bad news for you. You can't help him quit. There's nothing you can do to cure an addict of their addiction. Read Co-Dependent No-More by Melanie Beattie. It will help you learn how to step back from trying to control his choices and focus on your own choices.

Lots of addicts SAY they want to quit. But words mean nothing. It's about his actions. You can't quit for him. He has to do it himself. He has to do it because his life sucks and using sucks. Not because you tell him to quit or because you threaten him he has to quit.

If he wants to get better he'll do it all on his own - he'll quit hanging out with drug addicts and seek out people who are in recovery from drug addiction. He'll do what they tell him because they have something he wants.

I think this is a good time for you to step back and see what he does next... because you didn't cause this. You can't control this. And you can't cure this.

If you need more proof of that... read the stories on this site. And believe them.
hello-kitty is offline  
Old 10-05-2011, 12:46 PM
  # 5 (permalink)  
Member
 
Justlizzyd's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 164
Jillian - I had the grand notion that I could "love" my addicted husband into recovery. I thought if I built up his confidence and told him how wonderful he was etc and yada yada, he would come to the realization that he did not need drugs and that he was beyond it. I had a god complex going on thinking I could save someone and I am co-dependent as hell to boot. There is nothing you can do to save him. All the tears, threats and your love for him will not save him. My AH (he was just my ABF at the time) told me over and over again a several years ago how he really hated his DOC how it was evil and he needed help and how he was so thankful that he had me to help him which puffed up my co-dependent ego. So everyday I would put on my codie cape and fly over to his apartment to stroke my co-dependent ego. I am not trying to be mean but I would hate to see you make the same mistake I have. Being knee deep into someone else addiction is one hell of a roller coaster ride and the deeper you go the harder it is for you to get off the ride. I'm on that ride right now. It sucks!

Take care of you first and let his actions determine if he is really needing help. He sounds like an educated guy, I am sure he is aware of all the help out there for drug addiction. Heck, send him the link to this website. Like the old saying goes, "You can lead a horse to the water, but you cannot make him drink".
Justlizzyd is offline  
Old 10-05-2011, 01:07 PM
  # 6 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: Jacksonville
Posts: 59
Agree a 1,000 times over that you cannot help him. That is part of the lie that we who love addicts believe, we can love them out of addiction, help them by controlling the money, the drugs, etc....none of it works!!!!! He was probably so upset because he was 'coming down' and you may not be able to see him as an addict, but believe me addicts can function, have a job, go to work, and still manage to destroy their lives and the lives of those around them. It may take years to see the "loss of job, family, etc..." but if he stays on the road he is on it will happen. Hope you aren't around to watch it. Been with my addict husband (AH) for 15 years, and it doesn't get better. It may look like it is getting better, but then it will get worse, or change, but it's all still addiction and all you can do is help yourself and walk before you have any kids together, etc.....Good luck! BTW a 'rollercoaster ride' is the perfect example of what happens with one caveat, you hate rollercoaster rides, they scare the hell out of you and make you sick and constantly afraid, and then it's exactly like a rollercoaster ride.
seekinganswrs is offline  
Old 10-05-2011, 02:30 PM
  # 7 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: May 2011
Location: KY
Posts: 62
I know all of this isn't the advice you were hoping for, but everything that everyone has told you is true. I was there with my EX-ABF, believing him everytime he said he wanted to get clean, listening to his sob stories, driving him to detox/rehab facilities thinking "this time was it, he really wants it"...and all of that got me nowhere. He made the exact same plea to me that your boyfriend is making to you, but it never stuck. You are probably reading all these replies right now thinking "my bf is different, I truly do think he wants this I HAVE to help him". And I don't blame you at all for thinking that, I spent years of my life thinking that way!! So as hard as it will be for you to do, listen to these ladies advice and worry about yourself. Otherwise the constant worries about "where he is, what he is doing, whay haven't you heard from him" will make you sick. And that "help" that he wants so desperately now, he will end up being overwhelmed by your "helping". You and your BF are in my thoughts and I hope you take care of yourself!
sTiLlhErE1986 is offline  
Old 10-05-2011, 03:38 PM
  # 8 (permalink)  
Member
 
outtolunch's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
Originally Posted by Jillian2k11 View Post

[B]He's been hanging out with a friend lately (That I can't stand, he's so screwed up and I was scared that he was dragging my boyfriend down with him)
Your BF's choices are dragging him down.
outtolunch is offline  
Old 10-05-2011, 03:54 PM
  # 9 (permalink)  
I'm no angel!
 
dollydo's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
No one is dragging him down, but, him. He is a hard core addict, right now, unless he
embraces a strong recovery program he has no future, and you have no future with him.

There is nothing you can do to help him, help yourself, let him go and move forward with your life. As an addict, he will agree to anything, yet, he will not stop
using, addicts lie, addicts manipulate, addicts seek out and con weak codependent people.

You are too young to waste your life with an addict, do what is right for you, reach out
talk to your family, go to Naranon meetings, accept the reality of the relationship, he is
not Mr. Right.
dollydo is offline  
Old 10-05-2011, 06:06 PM
  # 10 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 159
You can't save him...you'd do better to concentrate on what you can do for yourself because if you stay on the rollercoaster you are defintely going to need some help when it's over. Save yourself MUCH heartache...it will hurt...but only for a little while...you deserve so much more!! My ex-husband of 20 years is still out there messing up and I believe smoking crack still at times...oh well...it's his life to live as he sees fit. Partners who have issues with alcohol/drugsmakes it really hard to have a connection to...they are there but not really. Was married over 20 years and really felt alone most of the time...that's what is sad. I deserve better as does our son....I will make sure we do not live amongst the chaos and drama that comes along with living with an addict. I wish I had ran and never looked back years ago. I don't look back these days and come home to a drama free home. The people on this site are a god send so read as much as possible on the board.... and read anything labeled co-dependent. It used to be hard to say I was that but over time I've learned I can learn better therfore do better. Hugs coming your way for the hard decisions you must make..
onlyliveonce is offline  
Old 10-05-2011, 07:32 PM
  # 11 (permalink)  
Jujubee Queen
 
mooselips's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: Port Charlotte, Florida
Posts: 3,582
Sorry for you, I know how hard this must be for you, for everyone to tell you, you can't do ANYTHING to fix him. But, unfortunately, it's the truth.

Believe me, if there was ANYTHING to the ends of the earth that could have saved both of my addict sons, it would have been done, but, there was nothing I could do.

The ball is in the addicts court, it has to be WANTED, and craved by them as bad as they crave the drugs.


Please join an AlAnon group, please read the book.

It helped me, as has coming here to S.R.

Wishing you the very best.......
hugs............
mooselips is offline  
Old 10-05-2011, 07:54 PM
  # 12 (permalink)  
Guest
 
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: Alberta
Posts: 5
I'm sorry to hear that. I just had a similar situation happen to me. My ex was a regular pot smoker and social drinker (except in my case my ex was only using coke behind my back) and the truth is, you can't change them. I was foolish to think that myself alone was a good enough reason for him NOT to be doing stuff like that. He even told me things like that but it's NEVER true. When it comes their DOC, guess what's more important in the end?

Addicts will always find a way to justify their reason for using. You can choose to stay with him but being with an addict is a very painful experience unless they can stay sober 100%
keikei is offline  
Old 10-06-2011, 05:07 AM
  # 13 (permalink)  
the girl can't help it
 
splendra's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: splendraville
Posts: 5,599
hey Jillian-

It is tough to love someone with these kinds of problems. Even tougher is to love ones self enough instead of trying to control someone who has these kinds of problems.

It is not unkind to take care of yourself and do what is best for you. Be gentle with yourself doing what is right for you is good. If love were enough to pull them thru none of us would be here.
splendra is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 07:58 AM.