married10

I have posted here before so I don't want to go into the history of my AH...

I gave him a month to move out and we should seperate, his choice to do as he wanted, if he didn't I would file for divorce. He chose not to move out (as per his lawyer told him not to) The date came I gave him to move out, and the filed for divorce as I stated I would if he didn't.

Ever since our argument and I gave him my boundaries of what I would accept (basically move out and go get help and maybe our marriage would make it) or don't and its over...

...we've had two nights of discussion of how he don't want the divorce and that I should give him another chance... he now knows what his triggers are and he don't want to drink again..he's more then helpful around the house... has been helping with my business a little more... tells me everyday he loves me..etc etc...

I just don't feel it, the only thing I feel is the sorrow and hurt that the kids will feel when we tell them. I hate that I don't really appreciate all his kind gestures, and can't accept the things he is trying to do..but I have been down this road, multiple times with him. Even if someday I can accept that he fully understands what he has put me through, I don't know if it will make a difference. I don't really see how a recovered A, can ever really grasp the hurt and pain they have caused. To me it is all just words coming out of his mouth, that he understands and he is sorry.

I just feel so numb to emotions.

How can an A ever try to justify, even though mine does, that his actions and choices, are forgiveable. Small recap: 4th OWI, tried to work it out with him for the kids, he did good for 7 months, started to go back (blamed it on me one night my fault for it), disobeyed his probabtion which could land him 2 years in prison. (that right there was the drawing point for me, I don't understand and probably never will, what would cause a person to choose there freedom and family over a freiking drink!) There is no :way a person Alcohlic or not, that could make that right.

He tells me that I haven't been a great wife, he wasn't even around most of the time and was never invested emotionally. I don't feel he has grounds to even say that. and now that he has feelings, I'm suppose to be sensitive to his. I feel like that he wants me to jump on his ship and make our life great. That I am suppose to forgive, forget and just move on.. don't they get that everyday sober for them, is a day that I wonder will it be today.

I don't want to live that way, I made a boundary, I made a decision and it sucks that NOW he is getting it....but for how long (as always for how long)!

Thanks all sorry this is so long!

GettingBy

I don't agree with the whole forgive and forget idea. Forgive, yes... because it's better than holding on to resentments. But forget, hmmm... I'm not so sure. For me "forgetting" encourages my denial. For years I forgave and forget... only to be "surprised" each time that my AH was, well, an alcoholic. As soon as I allowed myself to become aware of his alcoholic behavior, and accept it... I made better choices for me. My AH has repeatedly shown me WHO HE IS, and I need to believe his actions - not his words. He can say, "Oh, I promise I won't do it again" but his previous behavior says, "YOu can bet that in a few weeks or months, we are going to be having this same conversation all over again!"

I don't trust my husband to not drink. I trust that he will. Until he proves he can be trusted to remain sober, I will assume he is likely to drink.

How could he possibly earn that trust back? Sustained recovery - 28-day inpatient rehab, 90 meetings in 90 days, and then keep going to AA for the rest of his life.

Trusted/intimacy are easily lost, and very hard to earn back.

NYCDoglvr

I am so sorry you're in this very difficult place. I've been there and know how hopeless it feels. I am both co-dependent and a recovering alcoholic (20 years). It helps to understand that an active alcoholic will say and do anything to keep an enabler in line and avoid responsibility for his actions. Of course he doesn't want to take care of himself, it might interfere with his drinking!

What happened to me is this: one day a door closed and I knew I wasn't taking it one more minuted. My focus shifted from the pitiful drunk to taking care of myself. I realized I also had a problem and that was my willingness to let someone drag my self-esteem and life down. And like so many on this forum you can take the action of reclaiming your life. You are much stronger than you think you are.

God bless!

wanttobehealthy

married 10- we have similar stories it seems.... i just wanted to say that i can relate to the feelings of just being done and feeling like it really doesn't matter what he does/doesn't do around changing at this point bc you reach a certain point and are just done. i'm there.

don't feel bad that you don't appreciate the gestures he is making and aren't buying into his words. you are smart. you believed the words for years, as did i and each time you believed them and then were let down it hurt a little more and chipped away a little more until there was nothing left.

i am sure i'll feel that guilt again when my stbxah tries to suck me back in but honestly, since he left, it's been a lot easier to see how clearly done i am, and how even if he became perfect tomorrow, i still probably wouldn't want to be with him. too much hurt, too much water under the bridge etc...

it's okay to not feel good about his attempts to woo you back and it's okay to not want to reconcile.

life is really, really short and precious and if i'm going to be in a r/s it's going to be in one where i feel my life is enhanced, not one where i feel i have to struggle and fight and work hard to hope my needs will be taken into consideration.

hang in there..

nodaybut2day

You have every right to walk away from this relationship if you choose to; people have divorced for far less. Trust your instinct: it's telling you that what he's doing now is too little, too late. I didn't even read anything in your post about being in recovery/working a program. In my mind, sorry bub, you screwed up and now it's time to deal with the consequences. Yes, the children *will* be sad and confused BUT they will also learn that their mother refuses to stand by while her husband endangers himself (and other innocent people on the road).

blwninthewind

Honey just because he's playing the part doesn't mean he is getting it!

This is typical alcoholic manipulative behavior.

He will continue to help you, be a model husband and great father UNTIL you relent and let him stayl...he'll be back to his old self in no time.

Very few Alcoholics can just quit. he hasn't hit his bottom.

I hope for your sake he does come around and seek treatment but if not...you have a plan. Your boundary is clear...now it's up to you to hold true to it.

married10

Thank you all so much. It helps so much to hear from others, whom have been down the same road. Helping each other to make better choices and/or help make the hard choices that will make our lives better.

I just feel at times, I should try more, maybe this is wrong. Keep second guessing myself, but then when I step back away a day or so later. Its like no, you are right, this is what i need, this is what i have to do to make MY life better. It sucks being a people pleaser type of person.

I guess even if this if the final thing for him to open his eyes and heart up. Its not for me to benefit from. I don't think I can give him any more of myself, the good or the bad.

GettingBy

One reason that I stayed "stuck" for so long was... my guilt. My distorted sense of responsibility. I felt like if I could just find the perfect set of words, actions - then everything would get better. I bent over backwards trying to be perfect - and guess what? I still couldn't fix "us". I still have moments where I think, "Maybe I should have done this or that?" or "Geez, if I had worded it this way instead, maybe he wouldn't have reacted this way or that!"

It is, what it is. I've done the best that I could possibly do - now I need to let my guilt go, forgive myself, and move on towards a healthier life for me.

It's hard. No doubt about it. Getting a strong support system in place (Al-anon meetings, sponsor, therapist, and friends who understand addiction!!) has been crucial for me. I'm in the hallway of hell now - there are bad days, and then really really bad days... but I keep trudging along because I know it won't be this crappy forever. There IS light at the end of the tunnel.

Thoughts and prayers are with you as you forge a plan that works FOR YOU!!!
Shannon

Freedom1990

This was my line of thinking too with the EXAH. I really believed there was some magic formula that would work...if I loved him more, if I were kinder, if I were more understanding, if I tried harder, etc etc etc.

I was so far out of touch with reality that I shake my head these days thinking about it.

wanttobehealthy

You know how in info about alcoholism the notion of terminal uniqueness is mentioned? It's so true for us too at times isn't it?

I wonder if there's any one of us here who didn't think this that Shannon so succinctly summed up and who didn't live our life for far too long based on this thinking? And I wonder how many of us felt totally alone during much of that time?

If only I knew then what I know now right?

No real point to my post other than to say I too had this exact mindset and it
dictated how I lived my life until very very recently. And letting it go (though I have moments of tremendous guilt still) has made me feel years younger and emotionally lighter than I ever ever have...

AH recently accused me of being "on something" bc I wasn't taking his bait and was actually able to remain detached and enjoy my time even with him around (and I had a lot of energy, was laughing and was happy-- I guess he hasn't seen this in a while). I wanted to say "this is what breaking away from you has done-- I'm high on life and realizing how good it can be". Instead I just walked away.

Stlsunny12

I know exactly what you are going thur and how you feel. The numbness and resentment suck. I want to LOVE him so bad but something in my mind and heart is pushing me away. I guess I am scared of getting let down and hurt. Do you feel that same way?
You are not alone, we are all here for you.

Stlsunny12

Have you two also tried counseling?

married10

We have not tried counseling together. I don't know that it will do much good for our relationship in the married sense. I see that it could do good for a friendship end of things and help us co-parent.

I so do feel that I love him at times, but like the other poster wrote, my heart and mind keep saying no. Even though this is very super hard, I don't and refuse to keep going on like this. I have the good days and then the super bad days where I start second guessing myself. I know I just need to stay strong and the bad days will start going away.

I just don't know where he is at in his thinking of how to tell the kiddos, I know that will be super hard to do and I think I myself am avoiding it. Since he is refusing to move out, til the courts decide whom gets the house and what not, I'm not pushing about telling the kiddos.

Thanks all!

lillamy

Going to counseling with an actively drinking alcoholic who is not in treatment is a waste of money, in my mind. Unless it's someone like a counselor who told alcoholic spouses that if they wanted to keep their marriage, the alcoholic needed to commit to attending 90 AA meetings in 90 days. (He said he won't treat an active drinker because he feels like a fraud.)

What I thought when I read your original post is that you have set your boundary -- he needs to get sober -- and he's ignoring you that and giving you other things.

That's kind of like offering someone that they can use your bathroom when they've asked to borrow the phone. He doesn't want to do what you've said you need in order to stay in the marriage, he's offering you something (useless) in order to feel that he's doing something and you're being unfair and bossy.

Do you want to live like this until the divorce is final? Or do you want to take the children and leave?

married10

Guess what I got great news. My AH, now thinks I have the issues. He somewhat referred to me being bi-polar! That I am not thinking about the kids and that I am not giving this us and the family a fair chance.

So yes he hasn't drank since August 22 (this year!) and has not attended AA, nor has he enrolled in a rehab program, and hasn't gotten a personal counselor. The only thing he has gotten is divorce papers to change his ways. He now thinks (and probably entitled to it), that I am being unfair, not giving us a chance, not wanting to do counseling is selfish and that I am not thinking about anyone but myself. That I am not being considerate of what he wants.

It makes me scream inside of my head, that he has lost that vote in our relationship! That everything that has transpired between us, that it no longer is a relationship of compromise. I told him I would go to counseling with him, but will not change the fact we are still divorcing. Then I get about how much this is going to costs us both in lawyer fees, the kids will get hurt and etc... How he don't want to be a part time dad (what the hell did he think he has been the last years!)

If he is so set on that we need counseling, why doesn't he just schedule an appointment, tell me when it is and see if I show up or not. Why keep talking about it, but never do anything?!

Cyranoak

He's manipulating you. You are falling for it hook , line, and sinker. Stay the course or pay the consequences.

Good luck,

Cyranoak

GettingBy

I second what Cyranaok said. What you are getting is standard alcoholic manipulation. Right now my AH has been telling everyone that I'm crazy. I'm the one who broke the marriage. And on and onit goes.

The trick... Is not listening to it. And if you hear it, don't believe it. Educating myself on alcoholism... Through al-anon, a sponsor and seeing a therapist who specializes in addiction recovery are the answer to my sanity.

Get yourself support... Or else you risk riding the merry go round for another year, or more.

P.s. When you are really ready to divorce him, the stuff coming out of his mouth won't matter much, if at all, to you. You're not there yet... And that's okay. Read my posts... I filed in April but it took me 5-6 months to actually be ready to follow through.

sugarbear1

Take care of you.

With understanding, Hugs & Love,

married10

Thank You! Thank You! Thank You all, for reconfirming my thoughts that he is just trying to get his way, and make the situation look better in his eyes.

Just one question for any whom want to answer, even though he hasn't been drinking these last couple of weeks, (and hasn't gone to any type of counseling), do you consider that recovering? (Cause I don't, and maybe I am wrong)

THanks again!

suki44883

No, that is not recovering, that is just not drinking. It does nothing for the underlying reasons for drinking nor does it help them become a better person. Even if they do get recovery, sometimes it's just too late. Also, just because they stop drinking doesn't make them any easier to live with. Wring the alcohol out of an asshat and you still have an asshat.