Just needed an opinion or two
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Michigan
Posts: 73
Just needed an opinion or two
Hello, I am just asking for an opinion from people on the other side being I am the AW. I have been an alcoholic for the last 4 years. I can come up with all sorts of excuses but I won't. I have been to rehab twice. This last time I was sober for 7 months and relapsed I drank about 7 times in 3 weeks and got a handle on it again got a new sponser and attending AA. My excuse for drinking last time was my daughter going to college and the way my H treats me. I realize more than ever that this cannot continue. After my relapse my H was fine with it. But then I started to treat him the way he treats me always telling me I don't need to know things. Well he got real mad and blamed all our problems on my alcoholism (which I know is huge). I have been sober now a month and over the weekend he went out from 5:30 to 10:30 and then on Saturday he went out from 5:30 TO 5:30 a.m. He has barely spoke to me the last two weeks. I did ask him if he was so worried about the children why would he leave them with me like that over the weekend his response I knew you weren't drinking. The 7 months I was sober he was no happier he always blames it on something. He does very little with the children. If I bring that up he just says he works. Of course taking care of a 6 and 9 year old is not work. I did find a part time job now that the kids are in school and it is working out well. When I am not drinking I am a very good mother. He wants custody of the kids and that scares the living hell out of me. He needs to be angry with someone. He gave a lot of **** to my 18 year old until she went to college. No one could understand why because she is a very sweet person. Now his anger is at me and I gave him the perfect reason to be. He would never hurt the children but verbally who knows. I would go to counseling with him but he just sees this as all my problem. At times he is very demeaning to me and other people my way of dealing with it was drinking and I see now that does not help me or anyone else around me. I am in counseling and no matter what happens I will work on my recovery and be the best I can be for my children. I don't know what I'm looking for here but just maybe your thoughts on what he is going through and why he can't see that there are issues with him (my family and his family concur that he as problems). I have always walked on eggshells with him and I turned to drinking (the dumbest must stupidest thing I could ever do to me and my family and I take ownership with that). Sorry this is long it feels good to write it down though. I do feel for everyone that is going through this who is in a relationship with an alcoholic it is not fun and takes a lot out of you. I know it is only one month I have been sober and he would need a year to see that I am really combatting this but I am at a point with him that I don't know if I can or want to be with him anymore unless he takes steps to deal with his issues also. Thanks
Member
Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 1,334
He doesn't sound like he's fun to be around but you need to worry about you. You have no more control over him than he has of you. Keep your recovery your 1 priority. Stay in your hoola-hoop. He could be real pissed or you could be growing apart. If you are sober you would not lose custody. The kids and your recovery should be #1. Your husband needs Alanon but just tell him that once. Therapy as a couple would be ideal. He has been affected by your disease.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
What CarolStar said, and thanks for posting! I hope some of the men chime in here with their perspectives, too.
It took me many months (a year?) to let go of my anger, and that was including Al-Anon and therapy, along with working things out here on SR.
Feelings don't change overnight. I got the impression that my RAH (soon to be ex) thought one apology to me about his conduct while drinking and a few coins on his pocket meant we never again spoke of the difficulties alcoholism contributed to in our family, and he was absolved of all wrongdoing from that point forth. Slate wiped clean, so to speak. I imagine he felt guilt, remorse, and anger all on his own and any mention of the whole fiasco by me just hit him square in the fragile ego. Plus, who wants to hear repeatedly that you screwed up?
But we are all human, and those of us here are hurting humans, just like you and the rest of the posters at SR. We have one thing in common - trying to find a way to live a better life. Sounds as if you are on the right path - good for you!
Let your husband be. Be gentle and patient and firm with your boundaries. Don't hesitate to say lots of times that you love him and are sorry. Maybe it just works this way for me, but being able to sincerely apologize for my wrongdoings boosts my self confidence...not the other way around.
Stay strong in your recovery - that is the utmost priority right now. Take good care!
~T
It took me many months (a year?) to let go of my anger, and that was including Al-Anon and therapy, along with working things out here on SR.
Feelings don't change overnight. I got the impression that my RAH (soon to be ex) thought one apology to me about his conduct while drinking and a few coins on his pocket meant we never again spoke of the difficulties alcoholism contributed to in our family, and he was absolved of all wrongdoing from that point forth. Slate wiped clean, so to speak. I imagine he felt guilt, remorse, and anger all on his own and any mention of the whole fiasco by me just hit him square in the fragile ego. Plus, who wants to hear repeatedly that you screwed up?
But we are all human, and those of us here are hurting humans, just like you and the rest of the posters at SR. We have one thing in common - trying to find a way to live a better life. Sounds as if you are on the right path - good for you!
Let your husband be. Be gentle and patient and firm with your boundaries. Don't hesitate to say lots of times that you love him and are sorry. Maybe it just works this way for me, but being able to sincerely apologize for my wrongdoings boosts my self confidence...not the other way around.
Stay strong in your recovery - that is the utmost priority right now. Take good care!
~T
Member
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: USA
Posts: 3,095
I can't really add anything that CarolStar and TuffGirl haven't. My stbxAH felt as TG's that he could say sorry, wanted me to understand how hard it was for him to battle this disease (I do have empathy about that) and wanted to be absolved of all hurtful and abusive behavior provided he said he was "trying".
I'm not suggesting you're being like my AH at all. Just saying that being non A is hard, just as hard as I am sure it is to be affected with the disease itself. Your H needs to work on him and you need to work on you. You sound a bit like you're worrying about his behavior as much as he's worried about yours and that's not going to do either of you any good.
Take good care of yourself.
I'm not suggesting you're being like my AH at all. Just saying that being non A is hard, just as hard as I am sure it is to be affected with the disease itself. Your H needs to work on him and you need to work on you. You sound a bit like you're worrying about his behavior as much as he's worried about yours and that's not going to do either of you any good.
Take good care of yourself.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 110
I congratulate you on the words..."I am not going to make any excuses". That is huge. That helps you take ownership of solving your issue...which is the FIRST STEP. What I hear is that your issues masked other problems, and being sober, the mask is off. It's real easy to say that the alcoholic is the ONLY problem, but I don't think that is always true.
The more you continue working on being accountable for yourself, the more your thinking will clear. The whole dynamics in the family are up in the air, and maybe he just does not know which way to go.
The best I can offer is major respect for your recovery efforts. It is not going to all get settled at one time, and maybe that is part of the acceptance that you can't control what happens.
This is such a great place. My situation is different from many here (boyfriend, not husband, etc) but the support is unconditional here. I can read or post here anytime of the day or night. Since I don't have transportation, that means the world to me.
Keep posting and allowing people to be supportive, in your journey.
The more you continue working on being accountable for yourself, the more your thinking will clear. The whole dynamics in the family are up in the air, and maybe he just does not know which way to go.
The best I can offer is major respect for your recovery efforts. It is not going to all get settled at one time, and maybe that is part of the acceptance that you can't control what happens.
This is such a great place. My situation is different from many here (boyfriend, not husband, etc) but the support is unconditional here. I can read or post here anytime of the day or night. Since I don't have transportation, that means the world to me.
Keep posting and allowing people to be supportive, in your journey.
Member
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Upstate NY
Posts: 1,637
Thank you for sharing your story with us.
The family disease of alcoholism messes with everyone in the family. No one, not the alcoholic, the non-alcoholic spouse, or the children, goes unharmed. Yes, your husband has problems. He has developed emotions, coping mechanisms, behaviors, etc as a result of the years of dysfunction that you two have lived (and possibly from stuff that preceeded you). You also have stuff that you need to work out.
Until you BOTH accept that you have issues/need help/get help/work a recovery program - discussions about marriage are a moot point.
I know... because I am in an alcoholic marriage. Our story - my AH is unwilling to acknowledge he has a drinking problem. He's unwilling to admit he needs help... let alone get it, and work a recovery program.
I am very much aware of my issues. I have admitted I need help. I'm getting help (counselor and Al-anon). Things are getting better for me... not perfect over night, but it's progress. Meanwhile, my AH has taken my recovery as a sign that I AM THE PROBLEM. Yes, that's right - he's hanging his hat on my admission of my issues - and is now using that to say, "See!! I don't need help! You're the crazy one!"
I made the mistake of trying to argue with him that we BOTH have issues... but it was pointless. SO, all I can do is work on me. Keep putting one foot in front of the other towards a healthier life. For me, that means accepting that my marriage is unhealthy for me and my child and move forward with a divorce.
You need to do what's best for you - with the understanding that you can't change, control or cure whatever ails your husband. I wish you the best of luck with your sobriety.
The family disease of alcoholism messes with everyone in the family. No one, not the alcoholic, the non-alcoholic spouse, or the children, goes unharmed. Yes, your husband has problems. He has developed emotions, coping mechanisms, behaviors, etc as a result of the years of dysfunction that you two have lived (and possibly from stuff that preceeded you). You also have stuff that you need to work out.
Until you BOTH accept that you have issues/need help/get help/work a recovery program - discussions about marriage are a moot point.
I know... because I am in an alcoholic marriage. Our story - my AH is unwilling to acknowledge he has a drinking problem. He's unwilling to admit he needs help... let alone get it, and work a recovery program.
I am very much aware of my issues. I have admitted I need help. I'm getting help (counselor and Al-anon). Things are getting better for me... not perfect over night, but it's progress. Meanwhile, my AH has taken my recovery as a sign that I AM THE PROBLEM. Yes, that's right - he's hanging his hat on my admission of my issues - and is now using that to say, "See!! I don't need help! You're the crazy one!"
I made the mistake of trying to argue with him that we BOTH have issues... but it was pointless. SO, all I can do is work on me. Keep putting one foot in front of the other towards a healthier life. For me, that means accepting that my marriage is unhealthy for me and my child and move forward with a divorce.
You need to do what's best for you - with the understanding that you can't change, control or cure whatever ails your husband. I wish you the best of luck with your sobriety.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Columbia MO
Posts: 1,127
As the son of a 40+ year alcoholic mother I would like to relate to you how I feel.
My mother has a lover, that lover is alcohol, she puts alcohol ahead of evryone else in her life, she shortchanges everyone and everything she comes into contact with for the love of her life.
My mother is a cheater, the trust is just as broken as if my father was having an affair, you cannot forgive an affair overnight, you cannot just wipe the slate clean, I don't know how long my mom would have to be sober for me not to be mad at her anymore, how could she make up for 40 years?
My mom put her children in danger, if there had been a fire, a burglar, do you think she could have saved us when she is passed out drunk in front of the TV.
I believe you both need counseling together and individually. Has you husband been tested for depression, I know before I was put on Prozac I was grumpy and did not handle problems as clamly and rationally as I should have.
I wish you the best, I hope you can stay on the road to recovery, peace be with you.
My mother has a lover, that lover is alcohol, she puts alcohol ahead of evryone else in her life, she shortchanges everyone and everything she comes into contact with for the love of her life.
My mother is a cheater, the trust is just as broken as if my father was having an affair, you cannot forgive an affair overnight, you cannot just wipe the slate clean, I don't know how long my mom would have to be sober for me not to be mad at her anymore, how could she make up for 40 years?
My mom put her children in danger, if there had been a fire, a burglar, do you think she could have saved us when she is passed out drunk in front of the TV.
I believe you both need counseling together and individually. Has you husband been tested for depression, I know before I was put on Prozac I was grumpy and did not handle problems as clamly and rationally as I should have.
I wish you the best, I hope you can stay on the road to recovery, peace be with you.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Michigan
Posts: 73
I thank you for all your replies. It is interesting to hear the other side. To the man who is mad at his mother I can understand why. My daughter and I have a very close relationship she is 18 and she knows that I am fighting my addiction. Like I said previously I did not become an alcoholic until 4 years ago and mostly drinking at night but there were some stupid things I did and I truly regret them. She has forgiven me and knows that I am fighting this.
I am in counseling right now and would love if my husband went. I was in the shower when he came home and barged in asking were the children were I get his concern but I was pissed the girls were at catecism they have gone on Wednesday at the same time for years so when he asked were they were I just said shut the door he needs to respect my privacy. Now he is saying he will pull them out of catecism. He can be mad at me all he wants but he shouldn't use the children that way. I will try to bring up counseling tonight but it will be hard for me to not be confrontational about it. Taking the kids skating it should be fun.
I am in counseling right now and would love if my husband went. I was in the shower when he came home and barged in asking were the children were I get his concern but I was pissed the girls were at catecism they have gone on Wednesday at the same time for years so when he asked were they were I just said shut the door he needs to respect my privacy. Now he is saying he will pull them out of catecism. He can be mad at me all he wants but he shouldn't use the children that way. I will try to bring up counseling tonight but it will be hard for me to not be confrontational about it. Taking the kids skating it should be fun.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
It may never get better with your husband. He's not going to get help if he doesn't feel he has a problem too.
Kudos to you for keeping your recovery #1 priority. I am both a long-term recovering alcoholic and a codependent.
Kudos to you for keeping your recovery #1 priority. I am both a long-term recovering alcoholic and a codependent.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
Originally Posted by Freedom1990 
It may never get better with your husband. He's not going to get help if he doesn't feel he has a problem too.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
Hi Kody,
I guess I want to tell you (your story) my story. I am an alcoholic, and codependent. I have now been sober 2 months. I am divorced, and I just purchased my own home.
I was a social drinker, my marriage was horrible, I walked on eggshells all the time. I was blamed for everything, even if I didn't know what had happened, it was still my fault. My husband was always angry, and he needed a place to blame his anger on. It was "me" and "our children". My ex was also an alcoholic.
From being a social drinker, I continued, until I became an alcoholic. I drank to self-medicate, to be able to go to sleep, to numb the pain. I quit at one time for 2 1/2 years, my ex was still angry at me the entire time, now it was my fault, because I was "a saint", I started drinking again, and it was my fault, because I was drinking.
When he couldn't find something to attack me for, he would "disappear", sometimes for days, then it increased to weeks and months at a time.
We did go to therapy, but it had to be all my fault, even when the therapist had told him that he also had a lot of problems. (He was abusive - verbally, emotionally, physically, etc...)
The dumbest, stupidest thing that I ever did to me and my family (and I take ownership of that) was to turn to drinking. Why? Because, I was trying to make a marriage work, that was not going to work, because it numbed me and I became unmotivated to make changes in my life, and my children's lives, because I should have left my husband at least 10 years, before I did leave him.
Did it affect my children? It most certainly did.
Make recovery and your children #1. Deal with your issues, and let him worry about his. Keep your side of the street clean. Get your thinking clear. Look at things from a sober point. If you need to make changes in your life, make them, but do it sober.
I guess I want to tell you (your story) my story. I am an alcoholic, and codependent. I have now been sober 2 months. I am divorced, and I just purchased my own home.
I was a social drinker, my marriage was horrible, I walked on eggshells all the time. I was blamed for everything, even if I didn't know what had happened, it was still my fault. My husband was always angry, and he needed a place to blame his anger on. It was "me" and "our children". My ex was also an alcoholic.
From being a social drinker, I continued, until I became an alcoholic. I drank to self-medicate, to be able to go to sleep, to numb the pain. I quit at one time for 2 1/2 years, my ex was still angry at me the entire time, now it was my fault, because I was "a saint", I started drinking again, and it was my fault, because I was drinking.
When he couldn't find something to attack me for, he would "disappear", sometimes for days, then it increased to weeks and months at a time.
We did go to therapy, but it had to be all my fault, even when the therapist had told him that he also had a lot of problems. (He was abusive - verbally, emotionally, physically, etc...)
The dumbest, stupidest thing that I ever did to me and my family (and I take ownership of that) was to turn to drinking. Why? Because, I was trying to make a marriage work, that was not going to work, because it numbed me and I became unmotivated to make changes in my life, and my children's lives, because I should have left my husband at least 10 years, before I did leave him.
Did it affect my children? It most certainly did.
Make recovery and your children #1. Deal with your issues, and let him worry about his. Keep your side of the street clean. Get your thinking clear. Look at things from a sober point. If you need to make changes in your life, make them, but do it sober.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: Chicago
Posts: 57
Amy - them are brave and honest words - bravo. Being a double winner and an ACOA myself, I know how hopelessly tangled we can get ourselves. Sounds like you are really ready to untangle the mess. You should be proud.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 689
Hi Kody-
Thank you for sharing. No doubt that was hard, but honest, and it sounds like you have a very honest view of yourself. That's so important for recovery, and I believe that you can get yourself on a great path.
I have no doubt that your alcoholism has affected your marriage, family and relationships. Your husband certainly has a right to have his feelings about it. And you have a right to yours too.
I'm not sure, but just reading your post it sounded to me like your husband is incredibly verbally and emotionally abusive, especially since you said he has been mean to your 18 year old daughter who you describe as very sweet. You weren't an alcoholic for your entire relationship, so has this been the type of behavior you have had from him your entire marriage? It doesn't sound like he is supporting your sobriety. Is it possible that you may have a better chance of healing without him?
Thank you for sharing. No doubt that was hard, but honest, and it sounds like you have a very honest view of yourself. That's so important for recovery, and I believe that you can get yourself on a great path.
I have no doubt that your alcoholism has affected your marriage, family and relationships. Your husband certainly has a right to have his feelings about it. And you have a right to yours too.
I'm not sure, but just reading your post it sounded to me like your husband is incredibly verbally and emotionally abusive, especially since you said he has been mean to your 18 year old daughter who you describe as very sweet. You weren't an alcoholic for your entire relationship, so has this been the type of behavior you have had from him your entire marriage? It doesn't sound like he is supporting your sobriety. Is it possible that you may have a better chance of healing without him?
heartofamama
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 70
wow, lots of reminders of my own marriage.
being a giver, i was not prepared 2 set boundaries 4 people.
once i tried, ah became very angry, & it took me 10 yrs 2 actually get divorced. wanting 2 placate him (4 the kids' sake) motivated me 2 hang in there those last 10yrs.
i really don't regret any of what i did, it was all i could muster @ the time.
i'm alone now, with my kids turned against me by ex-ah.
remember: we're not able 2 do a better job of living someone else's life--it just cannot be....so...
while advice is helpful, & consolation is great, i say: don't beat yourself up about what you've done... it was your best (at that time).
& don't let anybody judge you.
you won't get better by feeling guilty.
being desperate or needy is a great place to meet God, Who only Loves us.
get some of God's Love & forgiveness, then share it when u can.
being a giver, i was not prepared 2 set boundaries 4 people.
once i tried, ah became very angry, & it took me 10 yrs 2 actually get divorced. wanting 2 placate him (4 the kids' sake) motivated me 2 hang in there those last 10yrs.
i really don't regret any of what i did, it was all i could muster @ the time.
i'm alone now, with my kids turned against me by ex-ah.
remember: we're not able 2 do a better job of living someone else's life--it just cannot be....so...
while advice is helpful, & consolation is great, i say: don't beat yourself up about what you've done... it was your best (at that time).
& don't let anybody judge you.
you won't get better by feeling guilty.
being desperate or needy is a great place to meet God, Who only Loves us.
get some of God's Love & forgiveness, then share it when u can.
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Keep your recovery, keep working on you, everything else will sort itself out. The best gift my mom has given me is forgiving herself, accepting herself, being happy, being a better human being. If you feel confrontational or angry its ok to say "I do not feel comfortable talking at this time" and buy yourself time to sort through the feelings and communicate from your heart and not from a place of anger or hurt. Well I say this as someone who went out with an active alcoholic.
All the best.
All the best.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Michigan
Posts: 73
I have decided that I just need to worry about me and the children and work on myself. I took the girls skating last night it was a blast. I am working on forgiving myself and not being so hard on myself. In a way I feel free right now I moved into another room and have detached myself from him. I do not need to be around his negativity. I am still taking care of the children and cleaning the house and letting him know where I am going and being civil with him. I asked about marriage counseling. He said that is not the issue my drinking is the problem. I responded very calmly that yes my alcoholism is a huge problem but I am taking steps and trying to improve myself (just to let you know I have no desire to drink which is a huge relief). So I just left it at that. Maybe he will change his mind and maybe not it is not something I can worry about.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: CA
Posts: 428
Kody, thank you for sharing. Your story helps to remind me of the human side of being a RA. My RAH has been battling his addiction for about 8 years. He went to rehab last month and he seems to be in a very good place right now. As his spouse it is very hard for me to embrace, without some hesitation, his new sober attitude. After being disappointed so many times over so many years I find myself cautiously optimistic, and that is with the help of therapy and Al-anon. As he continues to work on his recovery and continues to live this new sober life he is creating it is slowly melting the wall I created to protect myself from his addiction. There is nothing he could say or do right now to wipe the slate clean, but his actions over time will.
I think you are very wise to keep the focus on your recovery and putting yourself and your children first. Sustained change is what I need and perhaps your husband needs that too. Hopefully with time his wall will come down too, but meanwhile continue to live your life in a healthy way no matter what he chooses to do with his.
I think you are very wise to keep the focus on your recovery and putting yourself and your children first. Sustained change is what I need and perhaps your husband needs that too. Hopefully with time his wall will come down too, but meanwhile continue to live your life in a healthy way no matter what he chooses to do with his.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Long Branch, NJ
Posts: 253
Originally Posted by kody99
Hello, I am just asking for an opinion from people on the other side being I am the AW. I have been an alcoholic for the last 4 years. I can come up with all sorts of excuses but I won't. I have been to rehab twice. This last time I was sober for 7 months and relapsed I drank about 7 times in 3 weeks and got a handle on it again got a new sponser and attending AA. My excuse for drinking last time was my daughter going to college and the way my H treats me. I realize more than ever that this cannot continue. After my relapse my H was fine with it. But then I started to treat him the way he treats me always telling me I don't need to know things. Well he got real mad and blamed all our problems on my alcoholism (which I know is huge). I have been sober now a month and over the weekend he went out from 5:30 to 10:30 and then on Saturday he went out from 5:30 TO 5:30 a.m. He has barely spoke to me the last two weeks. I did ask him if he was so worried about the children why would he leave them with me like that over the weekend his response I knew you weren't drinking. The 7 months I was sober he was no happier he always blames it on something. He does very little with the children. If I bring that up he just says he works. Of course taking care of a 6 and 9 year old is not work. I did find a part time job now that the kids are in school and it is working out well. When I am not drinking I am a very good mother. He wants custody of the kids and that scares the living hell out of me. He needs to be angry with someone. He gave a lot of **** to my 18 year old until she went to college. No one could understand why because she is a very sweet person. Now his anger is at me and I gave him the perfect reason to be. He would never hurt the children but verbally who knows. I would go to counseling with him but he just sees this as all my problem. At times he is very demeaning to me and other people my way of dealing with it was drinking and I see now that does not help me or anyone else around me. I am in counseling and no matter what happens I will work on my recovery and be the best I can be for my children. I don't know what I'm looking for here but just maybe your thoughts on what he is going through and why he can't see that there are issues with him (my family and his family concur that he as problems). I have always walked on eggshells with him and I turned to drinking (the dumbest must stupidest thing I could ever do to me and my family and I take ownership with that). Sorry this is long it feels good to write it down though. I do feel for everyone that is going through this who is in a relationship with an alcoholic it is not fun and takes a lot out of you. I know it is only one month I have been sober and he would need a year to see that I am really combatting this but I am at a point with him that I don't know if I can or want to be with him anymore unless he takes steps to deal with his issues also. Thanks
You can own your alcoholism, but you don't have to own your husband's behavior. We who love/marry alcoholics do so because something's wrong with US in the first place. For example, we "need" crises, or we "need" someone else to blame our own failures on. By becoming sober, you've just upset the applecart.
First and foremost, do what you must to take care of you right now. You can't control what he does. Best of luck to you.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
