Trapped and Tired of Pretending Everything is Good
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: west coast
Posts: 1,068
Trapped and Tired of Pretending Everything is Good
My grown daughter is the AD. I do not have a relationship with her at the moment - she has burned bridges with me and her siblings - is hanging out with a new bf and her alcoholic dad.
I provide support to my grandchild who is college age.
Needless to say, I am concerned about him, as well as his mother - there does not seem to be an end to the constant worry and concern (and I do pray and "turn it over" but it doesn't stay turned over) . . .
I am very emotionally and physically tired.
I am also tired of pretending to the world that everything is ok and by that I mean that most people in my family would rather be in denial than face the issue - they pretend it is not happening and from my perspective, it seems to be getting worse and worse. Part of my worry is that I am carrying all of the knowledge of what is happening in the family . . .it is just too much.
Everything LOOKS good on the surface - the FB pictures and posts of my AD are so cute!!!! I feel like I am the only person in the world who knows what is really going on.
I have no idea what to do about this. If I bring it up, no one wants to hear it - I feel like I am living in my own isolated Hell.
Just needed to share that. Thank you for listening if you did.
I provide support to my grandchild who is college age.
Needless to say, I am concerned about him, as well as his mother - there does not seem to be an end to the constant worry and concern (and I do pray and "turn it over" but it doesn't stay turned over) . . .
I am very emotionally and physically tired.
I am also tired of pretending to the world that everything is ok and by that I mean that most people in my family would rather be in denial than face the issue - they pretend it is not happening and from my perspective, it seems to be getting worse and worse. Part of my worry is that I am carrying all of the knowledge of what is happening in the family . . .it is just too much.
Everything LOOKS good on the surface - the FB pictures and posts of my AD are so cute!!!! I feel like I am the only person in the world who knows what is really going on.
I have no idea what to do about this. If I bring it up, no one wants to hear it - I feel like I am living in my own isolated Hell.
Just needed to share that. Thank you for listening if you did.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: California
Posts: 693
Seek, I so know what you mean about keeping up the happy face. It wears you out and you crave just being honest, but that seems to make people uncomfortable or they retreat into denial. I think that's where places like SR and Al-Anon are helpful since other people really "get" what you are going through.
Hang in there. Keep posting, keep venting. We are here for you, and we understand what you are going through. Hugs...
Hang in there. Keep posting, keep venting. We are here for you, and we understand what you are going through. Hugs...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: west coast
Posts: 1,068
Thank you.
The systems of denial are so entrenched and powerful . . .it would be great if you could post on FB "Alcoholics and addicts make their families miserable" - can you imagine! Everything has to be "great" and "nice" and "fabulous."
There are a bunch of things that are making me tired:
The systems of denial are so entrenched and powerful . . .it would be great if you could post on FB "Alcoholics and addicts make their families miserable" - can you imagine! Everything has to be "great" and "nice" and "fabulous."
There are a bunch of things that are making me tired:
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Memphis, TN
Posts: 2,884
Seek, please consider Al-Anon. They will not help you with your AD, what they will do is help you focus on yourself and begin your recovery. I speak from experience when I say that Al-Anon is a life saver. I now have the tools and support to live a sane and happy life again.
As for your AD remember you didn't cause it, you can't control it and you can't cure it. It is her problem and her problem only. She will only get better when she is ready to on her own for her self. Nothing you can say or do will change that.
It is ok to put down all that baggage you are carrying since most of it doesn't even belong to you. As for putting up the good front, my experience is that when I quit trying to cover for my alcoholic wife and let her deal with the results of her actions my life became much better.
Take care of yourself first, keep posting here and consider Al-Anon. This recipe worked very well for me and plenty of others here at SR. Try reading Codependent No More. It is an excellent book and a real eye opener.
Your friend,
As for your AD remember you didn't cause it, you can't control it and you can't cure it. It is her problem and her problem only. She will only get better when she is ready to on her own for her self. Nothing you can say or do will change that.
It is ok to put down all that baggage you are carrying since most of it doesn't even belong to you. As for putting up the good front, my experience is that when I quit trying to cover for my alcoholic wife and let her deal with the results of her actions my life became much better.
Take care of yourself first, keep posting here and consider Al-Anon. This recipe worked very well for me and plenty of others here at SR. Try reading Codependent No More. It is an excellent book and a real eye opener.
Your friend,
Member
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 588
I have no idea what to do about this. If I bring it up, no one wants to hear it - I feel like I am living in my own isolated Hell.
I felt similar to this too. First, I felt like this when my AH's drinking was "the BIG secret". I felt so much relief when it came out into the open. Then, after a while, no one talked about it, no one asked, and it felt swept away and back onto my lap again.
I realize that there is some awkwardness on their part, and really they are uneducated on alcoholism so their behaviours are sometimes dictated by false beliefs, as were mine before Alanon.
When I encounter this now, I just accept that this is not a discussion they want a part of and think to myself "o.k. what are we going to talk about?". I used to feel a bit slighted, that this big part of my life was being ignored. Now I feel grateful for the break I get spending time with them, enjoying the moment, and not spending time thinking/worrying about AH.
I also realized that the ones that truly care for me, will be there when I feel I need to talk about it, but I have to start that conversation with some vulnerability: "I need someone to air this out with....".
And I am so grateful for my Alanon group and friends that are there for me and understand and have useful advice!
Wishing you well.
I felt similar to this too. First, I felt like this when my AH's drinking was "the BIG secret". I felt so much relief when it came out into the open. Then, after a while, no one talked about it, no one asked, and it felt swept away and back onto my lap again.
I realize that there is some awkwardness on their part, and really they are uneducated on alcoholism so their behaviours are sometimes dictated by false beliefs, as were mine before Alanon.
When I encounter this now, I just accept that this is not a discussion they want a part of and think to myself "o.k. what are we going to talk about?". I used to feel a bit slighted, that this big part of my life was being ignored. Now I feel grateful for the break I get spending time with them, enjoying the moment, and not spending time thinking/worrying about AH.
I also realized that the ones that truly care for me, will be there when I feel I need to talk about it, but I have to start that conversation with some vulnerability: "I need someone to air this out with....".
And I am so grateful for my Alanon group and friends that are there for me and understand and have useful advice!
Wishing you well.
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