Farfalla

Today and it breaks my heart. He literally just has a mattress on the floor two tvs and that is it. This breaks my heart. I need advice or words of wisdom. This disease has taken over his life. I just can't understand why he just won't get help.

Freedom1990

He's not ready to get help. Every addict has to hit a bottom before he/she gets help.

For some, like my EXAH, the bottom is death.

For others it ends up in incarceration or a mental institution because they have damaged their brain.

He's exactly where he chooses to be due to his addiction.

Seren

It is sad and I am sorry you had to see your husband living like that. But you see, his comfort and surroundings are of no importance to him.....for his mind and his life.....the drug is the thing. To the exclusion of all else.

I hope that living with the consequences of his choices will allow him to really want recovery and a full life again. But it seems to be that he is simply not there yet.

Remember....YOU did not cause him to live this way. YOU cannot control the fact that he has chosen to live this way. There is absolutely nothing YOU can do to cure him.

I will keep you, your children, and your husband in my prayers.

HG

dollydo

He is not ready, he may never be ready, my exabf will die an addict, this is his choice.

Why were you in his apartment? He just stole from you and your daughter.

Did you file a police report?

Honestly, I don't follow your train of thought.

My words of wisdom? Detach, let go, and, get control of your life.

Farfalla

I am not following my own train of thought. I miss the man I married. This person doesn't exist.

Freedom1990

This is the same man who stole 2 TV's out of the house while you were gone for an hour, stole your wedding ring, and rummaged through your daughter's jewelry.

The man you married no longer exists.

The sooner you truly accept that, the sooner you can get off of the merry-go-round of insanity.

dollydo

If you feel that you cannot live without this man, then, move him back in, accept all of his addictions, cheating and other toxic behaviors.

There are really only two choices, jump in the lifeboat and row to the shore, or, go down with the ship.

laurie6781

Well he!!. He has roof over his head yet.

I lived the last 1 1/2 years of my drinking and using in my beat up junker car parked at the back of the Hollywood Bowl Park parking lot in Hollywood.

He's got a ways to go yet.

This is not the man you knew. This is the ADDICT.

Time to focus on you and your family without him.

Love and hugs,

mooselips

Meanwhile, my AS said, as he visited his son here this evening......I have no idea where I'll sleep tonight.

It hurts my heart, but I know, now, to keep my thoughts in my head.

Family;
Yes, it IS sad, I know exactly how sad feels, but this man stole from you, not just a T.V. and jewelry, but also a future.


There is nothing you can do for HIM.
Don't go backwards, go forwards, for YOU and your children.


My advice, Let go, or be dragged.

seekinganswrs

I am still with my AH husband but only because I am working out the details pf separating right now. Trying to get a job, etc..When you ask yourself, "I just can't understand why he won't get himself help." realize that it's because you can't reason someone out of addiction, it's not a reasonable disease and he will change when he is ready and nothing can change that. Addiction is the most selfish thing I have ever encountered. Pray for him and stay strong, but realize that his choices put him exactly where he is. Sorry for your pain.

incitingsilence

Family Destroyed...Every Tuesday, Church of the Holy Family, Alanon 7:30 pm to 9:00 might want to check it out.

Also keep it simple, he is an addict, this is what addiction is and sadly it gets worse as the disease progresses as he progresses. It ain't ever pretty and can't be made to be although many have tried.

You main focus now should be you and your children, trust me when I say he will be ok, cause he will and he will do exactly what he wants when he wants and he will also drive you nuts if you allow him too, thing is you don't have to allow that, never did, never will. But you are right now in this post, why did you do there, why are you allowing the consequences of his actions torment you...what did you think you would walk in and he would be there eating at a nice kitchen set, or chillin on the couch with a snack tray watching the phils...

Take care of you, he is more than capable of taking care of himself...

December2011

Hi,

I know what you mean, and why you feel so sorry for him. It is a burden to pity someone so much it hurts.

A few months before my addicted dad died he was living on the street, and it broke my heart like nothing else. to see him like that.

This was years ago when I was 21, and I am 42 now, but I will never forget seeing how he was living, and wondering why he chose that, and feeling so sorry for him inside.

I remember feeling guilty, myself- when I ate good and had a nice place... I always felt that I could never enjoy anything while he was in pain or hungry or cold.. sorry- just memories.

I hope your story comes to a better end.



Luv, D

justjo

Hi from me too.

I felt the same way. When my sister died and we had to clean up that house, I thought ' how could she have lived like this ' ? Filth was the only word.

Unfortunately I was able to see though - how bad it was for her and I had to put the two together. Addiction came to that. Years before that she would never have lived in such filth.

I accept it was part of the addiction. It wasnt who she really was, you know what I mean... JJ

Justlizzyd

As hard as it may be to do, please don't focus on his situation that he put himself into. I know it is not easy but you need to do it for your own sanity and for your children. It is NOT your fault and is not your problem. Try to let it go so you can have peace. Try to distance yourself as much as possible till some of the hurt eases up. Try to just put your AH is God's/HP hands and physically & mentally walk away.

Kindeyes

Heck.....makes me think of my first apartment. I had a sleeping bag on the floor, a cardboard box with a 13 inch B&W TV, and two swivel chairs I bought at a garage sale for $10 each. It didn't even dawn on me that someone would feel pity for me for having so little. I was happy as a clam!

He won't get help because he doesn't think he needs it. He won't get help because (if he's like a lot of addicts) he thinks YOU"RE the one with the problem.....and to some degree, they're right.....we do have a problem and it's up to us to fix it.

God grant me the serenity to accept the people I cannot change
The courage to change the people I can
And the wisdom to know.....it's me.

Sometimes I need to say that revised version of the Serenity Prayer to keep it all in perspective.

gentle hugs
ke

hello-kitty

I don't even understand why you were at his house. Did you go with the police to retrieve your TV? I thought you were filing an RO. What happened?

No matter. But you shouldn't judge an addicts quality of life by your standards. Addicts have different goals. Drugs are important. Furniture is not.

So sure his living arrangements aren't what you would choose for yourself. But they sound great for a drug user.

Instead, think about how much you are allowing someone else's drug addiction to control your life. It's very sad.

You may not think your children are being affected by your choices. But they are. They are learning from you. Addiction AND codependency are a family disease. And codependents are sicker than the addicts they attach too.

I think you should check out that alanon meeting. Bring the kids.

It could save your life.

HurtingDad

It's painful to see that, and i'm so sorry you're involved. I used to meet my son in NYC when he was homeless. I would leave crying, when we parted knowing he was going to sleep in an alley. He's much better. Hope he hits bottom soon.