If at first you don't succeed...
Came to Believe
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Montgomery AL
Posts: 507
If at first you don't succeed...
Day 15. Every time I go back out to do a little more "research" on my addiction, I learn a few new things. One of the things I learned this go-round is that if I go out again, I probably won't come back. Things went from bad to worse really quick this time. I relapsed the same way a lot of people do: stopped going to meetings, stopped calling my sponsor. I really just got tired of being an alcoholic, ya know? It was the week of Labor Day. I didn't even make an attempt to control or moderate my drinking this time. I only have pieces of memories from my first few days out; I blacked out somewhere during that second pint of vodka on Tuesday, and the next solid memory I have is of that Thursday. What I do remember isn't good. I pulled myself together long enough to go to work Friday so that I could (barely) hang on to my job.
That weekend I got to visit the wrong side of the bars at the local county jail...apparantly they frown on being passed out behind the wheel in mega-mart parking lots. I couldn't even tell you how much I'd had to drink, but my BAC was .407 when they took it at the jail. My first stop after being bailed out was the liquor store in the next county (my county's dry on Sundays...stupid law). Fast forward through a week of drinking before, after, during and instead of work and I finally checked myself back into rehab for seven days to dry out. That was sixteen days ago.
I'm kinda making light of all this, but honestly, it scared the s**t out of me. I went to some dark places in my head and did some things that I'm not sure how to face and I'm still not entirely sure what I did during my blackout. I'm throwing everything I have at this: a psychiatrist, outpatient treatment four times a week, yoga every morning, daily AA meetings, a sponsor that I talk to several times a day and I'm doing everything I can to be HOW (honest, open-minded, willing). Am I missing anything? Thanks for reading if you made it this far.
--Fenris.
That weekend I got to visit the wrong side of the bars at the local county jail...apparantly they frown on being passed out behind the wheel in mega-mart parking lots. I couldn't even tell you how much I'd had to drink, but my BAC was .407 when they took it at the jail. My first stop after being bailed out was the liquor store in the next county (my county's dry on Sundays...stupid law). Fast forward through a week of drinking before, after, during and instead of work and I finally checked myself back into rehab for seven days to dry out. That was sixteen days ago.
I'm kinda making light of all this, but honestly, it scared the s**t out of me. I went to some dark places in my head and did some things that I'm not sure how to face and I'm still not entirely sure what I did during my blackout. I'm throwing everything I have at this: a psychiatrist, outpatient treatment four times a week, yoga every morning, daily AA meetings, a sponsor that I talk to several times a day and I'm doing everything I can to be HOW (honest, open-minded, willing). Am I missing anything? Thanks for reading if you made it this far.
--Fenris.
Guest
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Ontario Canada
Posts: 189
Sounds just like what I was going through. Of course we all can relate and everyone can have different stories but the end result the same. Sounds like you are really serious about wanting to stay sober. I was close to losing my job and just for a blessing the boss knows im a hard worker when i dont drink and show up for work. Alot of fixing up I have to do but so far things are going great.Im coming up to 2 months of being sober myself and not a first time staying sober. Been trying for 3 years and alcohol is a powerful foe for sure. But I have been going to many meetings myself and started to appreicate them alot more then I did before. I say my thanks at the end of the night and focus on one day at a time. I don't believe you missed anything that you mentioned in your post here except for one thing. Do you and can you really admit defeat to alcohol and that your life is becoming unmanageable by it? A mistake I did was I assumed I was defeated but... never admitted my life was unmanageable which caused me to drink again and again because I still saw no problem with alcohol. Stay Strong, do what you can and be happy your doing what you feel is right. Blackouts are scary for sure. I got beat down by a friend once for breaking into his house which I was blacked out and he said I was raging and stuff and I woke up in the hospital the next morning forgetting everything and luckily he being a friend never charged me for break and enter and I was free to go from the hospital just swollen lips which was a pain to eat lol. Good lucka nd your in the right place because I find this site to be so much help 
Came to Believe
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Montgomery AL
Posts: 507
Thanks for the response OJibway...it's always good to be reminded that I'm not the only one who's gone through this. And I think you nailed one of the weakest links in my armor. I've been trying to stay sober since May with varying degrees of success, a couple of slips here and there, but for the majority of the past five months, I've worked a pretty good program and plugged up the leaks in my defense whenever alcohol found a way in. I mean, I wish I could say that I learned from other peoples' mistakes, but the truth is that I've got to do my own trial and error in order to get it through my thick Irish skull. But this last time, I had strung together almost two months worth of twenty-four hours and I got lazy and complacent. I forgot that I had to practice the first step perfectly every day or I'm setting myself up for a relapse. That's one of the things I'm working on now because it was definitely a big part of this last relapse.
--Fenris.
--Fenris.
~sb
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: MD
Posts: 15,964
Your body fluids were over 40% alcohol. Your heart could have stopped, how are your organs? How much of your fatty liver is working? Seriously glad you are alive! For your blood alcohol level to be so ridiculously high, you, my friend, are a serious drinker!
Are you serious enough to quit yet?
Wecome back! Stick around here, your slow suicide seems to be speeding up on you!
Are you serious enough to quit yet?
Wecome back! Stick around here, your slow suicide seems to be speeding up on you!
I'm here to learn!
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: I'm on it!
Posts: 2,038
Welcome back Fenris! I do remember your posts and I'm glad you ended up back here.
Your plan sounds fantastic! You seem to have really thought things out. I took a similar, multi-pronged approach to my own sobriety back in April and by continuing to work that program I have stayed sober for almost 6 months, which is by far the longest period in my life. I think you will find great success if you stay committed to it.
Best wishes to you in your efforts!
Your plan sounds fantastic! You seem to have really thought things out. I took a similar, multi-pronged approach to my own sobriety back in April and by continuing to work that program I have stayed sober for almost 6 months, which is by far the longest period in my life. I think you will find great success if you stay committed to it.
Best wishes to you in your efforts!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 3,677
Hi Fenris,
Congratulations on Day 15. A blood alcohol concentration of .407 is horrific. That is FIVE TIMES the legal limit of alcohol in most states, and Sugarbear is right that high levels like that can be fatal. (Although, to be fair, BAC is already expressed as a percent, so .407 isn't actually 40%, but 4/10 of a percent*)
Few of us are thinking in scientific terms, however, when we set out to get toasted. And you were REALLY toasted.
You are covering your bases with the psychiatrist and healthy activities, but don't leave out the part about putting YOURSELF in that plan. No one poured that alcohol down your throat for you. It takes at least a little effort to acquire and drink the alcohol, not to mention the money it took for the privilege. You took great pains to ACCESS your alcohol. Now take the same pains to AVOID access. Do anything it takes to make that happen. Meetings, phone call to sponsor, etc. You can't drink what you don't have.
Good luck this time.
FT
*Reference, North Carolina Highway Patrol (among others) http://www.hsrc.unc.edu/safety_info/...centration.cfm
Congratulations on Day 15. A blood alcohol concentration of .407 is horrific. That is FIVE TIMES the legal limit of alcohol in most states, and Sugarbear is right that high levels like that can be fatal. (Although, to be fair, BAC is already expressed as a percent, so .407 isn't actually 40%, but 4/10 of a percent*)
Few of us are thinking in scientific terms, however, when we set out to get toasted. And you were REALLY toasted.
You are covering your bases with the psychiatrist and healthy activities, but don't leave out the part about putting YOURSELF in that plan. No one poured that alcohol down your throat for you. It takes at least a little effort to acquire and drink the alcohol, not to mention the money it took for the privilege. You took great pains to ACCESS your alcohol. Now take the same pains to AVOID access. Do anything it takes to make that happen. Meetings, phone call to sponsor, etc. You can't drink what you don't have.
Good luck this time.
FT
*Reference, North Carolina Highway Patrol (among others) http://www.hsrc.unc.edu/safety_info/...centration.cfm
Came to Believe
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Montgomery AL
Posts: 507
Thank you for the welcome backs and the advice. I'm struggling a little bit today, so it's nice to read some kind words and support. I'll keep what you said in mind, failedtaper. I know that I have to put as much of my energy and devotion towards staying sober as I did towards getting hammered, but it's a terrifying feeling to find that some of the thoughts inside your own mind are geared towards your destruction and that you have no real control over them. Literally, I'm my own worst enemy right now. I've heard that said plenty of times, but I've never really understood it.
--Fenris.
--Fenris.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 3,677
Fenris,
I don't want to break with doctrine, if what I'm about to say is doing that.
However, YOU are not your worst enemy right now -- your "ADDICT BRAIN" is your worst enemy.
Think of yourself as having a rational brain that lives in your head right along side the "addict brain". YOU have the ability to listen to one or the other. Your "addict brain" is winning when you drink. Your rational brain was probably trying to shout at you not to listen, but you did anyway.
The trouble with the "addict brain" is that it tries very hard to sound like the rational brain does. Sometimes it's hard to tell the two apart, but anything your brain is telling you to do that leads down the path towards the alcohol is the "addict brain" part of you talking. Learning to know the difference between the two is key, and making a conscious decision to ignore the "addict brain" -- literally tell it to F-off -- and the more you practice doing this, the weaker your "addict brain" will become.
Of course, you aren't really two people inside of one body, but it does help to separate out your thinking processes that way. When I quit drinking over 20 years ago, my "addict brain" was very loud and pushy, making sure I was "comfortable" and "happy" -- after all, I DESERVED to feel those things, didn't I? Eventually, I realized the "addict brain" was ruining my life, limiting where I could go, making me fearful of authority, and on and on. It had to stop. So I quit listening to it. It's still there, sleeping like a cat, and I treat it gingerly, with respect. I haven't given in to the periodic times it has tried to awaken, because you can get awfully "brave" after a few years of sobriety. Nope, not gonna listen.
Take care, and don't stop trying to get things right. Don't create a house of cards with your recovery -- YOU must be the foundation for abstinence. If even one of the legs holding up your sobriety fails -- meetings, call to sponsor, etc. -- the whole thing falls apart if you don't provide the foundation by your intentions not to drink.
FT
I don't want to break with doctrine, if what I'm about to say is doing that.
However, YOU are not your worst enemy right now -- your "ADDICT BRAIN" is your worst enemy.
Think of yourself as having a rational brain that lives in your head right along side the "addict brain". YOU have the ability to listen to one or the other. Your "addict brain" is winning when you drink. Your rational brain was probably trying to shout at you not to listen, but you did anyway.
The trouble with the "addict brain" is that it tries very hard to sound like the rational brain does. Sometimes it's hard to tell the two apart, but anything your brain is telling you to do that leads down the path towards the alcohol is the "addict brain" part of you talking. Learning to know the difference between the two is key, and making a conscious decision to ignore the "addict brain" -- literally tell it to F-off -- and the more you practice doing this, the weaker your "addict brain" will become.
Of course, you aren't really two people inside of one body, but it does help to separate out your thinking processes that way. When I quit drinking over 20 years ago, my "addict brain" was very loud and pushy, making sure I was "comfortable" and "happy" -- after all, I DESERVED to feel those things, didn't I? Eventually, I realized the "addict brain" was ruining my life, limiting where I could go, making me fearful of authority, and on and on. It had to stop. So I quit listening to it. It's still there, sleeping like a cat, and I treat it gingerly, with respect. I haven't given in to the periodic times it has tried to awaken, because you can get awfully "brave" after a few years of sobriety. Nope, not gonna listen.
Take care, and don't stop trying to get things right. Don't create a house of cards with your recovery -- YOU must be the foundation for abstinence. If even one of the legs holding up your sobriety fails -- meetings, call to sponsor, etc. -- the whole thing falls apart if you don't provide the foundation by your intentions not to drink.
FT
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,428
I think we do have have control over those destructive thoughts Fenris, otherwise none of us would be here
I felt like you did for years - I was a leaf tossed about on the sea of my addiction, if you like - but support really changed that for me - support and an acceptance a resolve that drinking could never again be a viable option for me.
I ended my drinking days drinking daily, all day. If I can do it, you can Fenris
D
I felt like you did for years - I was a leaf tossed about on the sea of my addiction, if you like - but support really changed that for me - support and an acceptance a resolve that drinking could never again be a viable option for me.
I ended my drinking days drinking daily, all day. If I can do it, you can Fenris
D
Member
Join Date: Jun 2009
Posts: 413
Congrats on your sobriety. It will get worse, worse and progressively worse if you dont stop. That is what the form book of alcoholism reads. there are no exceptions to this law yet, so dont try to escape the trend while still drinking, cause it will kill you.
We are all in this together without judgement of any kind other than being responsible. Gud luck pal
We are all in this together without judgement of any kind other than being responsible. Gud luck pal
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