jaerp

feeling nauseous and in a great deal of pain. The day before I had used an eight hour airplane ride + connections, and Monday was bad. Really bad. So I cleaned myself up, combed my hair and went to work.

When I got to work, I realized I just couldn't do it. Work, that is. My mind felt like when I had come out of anesthetization, and on the way to work I had to seriously get the shakes. So I went home, drank a lot of water, and went to bed. Now, I didn't sleep of course. I was just trying to relax and calm the shaking and ironicall-cloudy-yet-racing mind. Last night I tried to have a little food and a multivitamin, which was a mistake--multivitamins while you are already nauseous is a recipe for disaster

So I guess that *has* to be it. I landed the job of a lifetime two months ago. No, seriously, if anyone saw what I was pulling while writhing on my bed in agony, first they'd slap me--then they'd tell me I was getting exactly what I had sown. And it's true. I can't control this any more (if I ever could), and if I can't make positive life choices a whole hell of a lot of people are going to suffer. I guess the 'silver lining' in a way is 99% of my friends and family don't know the extent of my problem. Is that a good thing? I can't really tell, maybe I could have gotten help earlier. Maybe I just would have pushed them away. I don't know.

So I've taken the first step--all, and I mean all the ethanol in my home is gone. Pouring some of those whiskies down the drain, well, I'm sure there are a lot of you who know the feeling. All the wine is gone, the beer, and the empties. I do have two percocet in the medicine cabinet, but you can pry those from my cold painful hands (I've taken a grand total of four in five years, I can deal with that dragon).

When you've been at this point, what have you done? I think I'm gonna go to a movie tonight, finish some projects, and make sushi. But I already know my mind is going to be screaming.

Heh, I guess to summarize this would be appropriate: Heh, Life? Let me tell you a little bit about life.

sugarbear1

If a multivitamin wasn't good, why sushi? Try finding an aa meeting only to be with others who know what you're going through. Mashed potatoes, soup, crackers-some bland carbohydrates to replace the sugars. Tea with lemon & honey or karosyrup.

Start taking care of you like a parent would a sick child. Certainly find people who can relate. If you can get to a movie, try fellowship instead. Maybe Denny's or Ihop after for talk & laughter. Try not to isolate!

bellakeller

Yeah. To me that used to constitute alcohol abuse.

What did I do next? I went to an aa meeting where others there knew exactly what I was going through. I chose aa because I ran out of time to be particularly choosy about a program and aa was accessible. You won't feel so alone and so nuts when you're in a room of people who are or have been where you are now.

Stick close.

jaerp

(the joke about the multivitamin is they have a high propersity for making many people almost instantly nauseous, a fact i had forgotten--oh greetings there, Porcelain Throne! )

i had to get rid of everything though, the urge to 'just take the edge off' is raging in my head like a great, big, uh... ragey thing.

sugarbear1

It's usually the iron...in the vitamin. Eat small meals & multigrains & veggies. Our healing bodies want nutrition!

Fenris

jaerp, I've been there and it sucks. But it passes. Stay busy, stay hydrated. An AA meeting would at least kill an hour in a safe environment with sympathetic people (and feeling the way you do, an hour is a helluva long time). Pouring everything out -- I had to get other people to do it. I couldn't face that one. Glad you did it. Good luck and stay strong.

--Fenris.

sugarbear1

I had nothing to pour out. If it was there, I drank 'til it was gone! If I can make 141 days, anyone can! You can stay stopped, too!

Dee74

Welcome to SR Jaerp - you'll find a lot of support here

D

LaFemme

Welcome and congrats on pouring it all out!

Ok, what I did first was I took care of myself like I had the flu. Mashed potatoes, soup, crackers...if your stomach is like mine it would probably like baby food and that's all! Vitamins will totally make you sick...sorry you forgot

I read a lot. Before I got sober and when I got sober. I had to change the way I viewed alcohol and then I had to change the way I viewed myself...reading for the first one, therapy for the second.

I hated it when I was drinking and people said 'If I can do it so can you.'. I hated it because i honestly didn't think I could do it. I now have 15 happy, healthy months.

Posting here was a lifesaver for me the first 6 months.

eJoshua

Welcome to SR!

In my relatively limited experience in recovery I have met people who have lost a lot. I met a former lawyer in rehab who was well educated, pulling easily $200k a year in salary with a beautiful family including two boys, all lost to a crack habit.

Get out while you're ahead, and in my experience as long as you are alive you are ahead of a lot of other people.

CarolD

Here is what I replied to you on your first post ...I've not changed my mind

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ml#post2026718

Welcome back to SR....

jaerp

Yeah, since that post in '09 i've been sober for four stretches of time--the last time for april of this year. but this time is different, this time i have a plan.

My wife of 12 years are still together, but I moved away for the time being so I wouldn't be around any of my enablers. I have my very own pad, and I can't expect anyone else to vacuum, clean kitty boxes, etc, so I *have* to be on my ****. I have an amazing job that is working me hard, I'm starting a consultancy (which I have to be on a call in a few minutes), and I've been finding clean friends on CL

I also have a brand new wardrobe that looks quite dapper, but it would be even better looking if I lost that 20lbs I promised my doc. So here it goes!

However, I am rewarding myself. Last night ended up being take-out bbq, which was awesome. Tonight though I'm making Thomas Kellars Roast Chicken recipe (which I've made 200 times if I've made it 10, it's *amazing*) along with a Caesar salad. Tomorrow I will use the stock I made from the chicken bones + onion/carrot to make Rissotto (with parmesean of course, but no peas). It's gonna be great.

freshstart57

Jaerp, congratulations on setting some goals. I still haven't been able to get myself back into the kitchen to cook some of my favorites (osso bucco, coq au vin, risotto). They all seem to have wine in them, and I'm not ready for that yet.

What I am hearing from you is that you have a plan to try to get sober. This is going to sound silly, but have you yet made a plan to never take another drink? If you can convince yourself that you will do this thing for the simple reason that you can do this thing, you will be more than halfway there.

Keep posting.

jaerp

I cannot truthfully answer "Yes" to that question yet. I'm not gonna lie--I'm keeping my spirits up but this kind of change means every single part of my life has to change. And that's a big, bitter pill to swallow.

Dee74

It's a big change for sure - possibly the biggest change I'll ever make - drinking was absolutely central to my life for many many years.

But it's not impossible- and I've never regretted it.
You're not alone Jaerp

D

betterlate

Taking the edge off. Yeah, I used to see it that way too. But then I learned to ask myself: "what puts the edge on?" For me, drinking was the main thing putting that edge on in the first place.

jaerp

Day 4.
Gonna make a sour dough starter, it will soon be cool enough here to actually bake (bread).

freshstart57

I was scared s#$@#less to make that plan, too. Here's the deal, though. That fear was all in my twisted soggy brain. As I sobered up, that fear actually disappeared. It was part of my alcoholic beast that needed me to keep drinking no matter what else happened.

My life has changed, it's true, but it has changed for the better, in every way. That bitter pill that I had been afraid of turned out to the the sweetest most satisfying thing I had ever tasted.

Maybe thinking about it like this will help. When you make your bread, you start with a preferment, and let it sit overnight. This is your plan to get sober. Next, you mix the rest of the flour, salt, yeast and water. As you start to mix it, you think that this is a mess, there is too much water, the dough is too sticky, and it will never turn out. This is your fear. You push on, though, and the dough begins to come together as the gluten starts to form. This is when you start to realize that getting sober is the first step to staying sober. You give your dough the constant attention it needs by ensuring that it has the right environment to proof. Then, very soon, you have the most delicious bread with a crisp crunchy crust and a fabulous open crumb. This is the satisfaction and joy that you will experience when using becomes a bad memory.

Make that plan just the way you commit to making bread by making your starter. It will turn out great.

Fenris

I really like that analogy, freshstart.

jaerp

Ha, I use bakers percentages and a scale >

(skedaddles away, keeping the point of the analogy all to himself)