humblestudent

Hello all...some of you may remember me. I started posted here back in early Jan 2010. I have about a 20 year total history of binge drinking, mainly on weekends. I managed to quit in late Dec/early Jan 2010 for 4 months. I was feeling physically and mentally so much better (as I have horrific anxiety, that just goes to truly hellish levels after drinking...). And then...I relapsed. That 'relapse' of a day or two, turned into a weekend or two, and I pretty much was right back where I started. And fast. So, that little 'relapse' (not really right to call it a relapse in my mind...since basically I decided to drink again...period. I mean, let's call it what it is...) anyway, it turned into continued drinking for another year and five months since it happened.

I will tell you that everything you read here, about relapses sneaking up on you long before you pick up that drink is true. Looking back, that's exactly what hapened to me. I became increasingly dissatisfied with things, bored, wanted to just have a "few", to be a "normal" drinker...and after all. I had 4 whole months! Why, I was a new paragon of virtue, and clearly had solved my problem, right? Right? WRONG. If this is how you are thinking today...you are in dangerous territory.

I believe someone here even TOLD ME THAT - and I honest to God had no idea how right they were. Well, now I know.

So, after months and months of struggling with this, trying to control it, explain it to myself, intellectualize it, suffer from it, etc. etc., I've decided: enough. I want more for my life than this terrible cycle. I want off the merry go round.

Thank you in advance for your support. I already know you are a wonderful group of people. I hope someone reads this post today, and thinks maybe for a moment, that they may be where I was...but I hope that they make a different decision than I did. I just wasted another year and a half of my life and time and health for nothing. Oh - I did get to feel much worse about myself in the meantime, there's that. But I'm going to start working on it.

Thanks,
Humble

BoozeFree

Welcome back!

humblestudent

Thanks, BF! I just joined the Oct Group too!

landminesgirl

Thanks, Humble. I needed this today. I was doing well. . . too well and those voices in my head started telling me I could control this. I ran a half marathon on Saturday night, and was welcomed to the finish line with a Bud Light. I gave it to my husband, and felt so great about it I rewarded myself with 4 glasses of wine. Then decided I had already crapped the weekend away and watched football on Sunday with beer. . . and finished off some wine last night. I'm done. So done with this nonsense.

I'm feel really really low and self-loathing this morning. Just when I think I have it together and feeling really good I blow it. I'm convinced I will never be able to exit this horrific cycle.

So yes, I'm where you were. Hopefully I'll make the right decisions, because I really really do WANT this. I want a sober and meaningful life. My kids deserve a sober mother. My husband deserves a sober wife.

Thanks for the post, I will re-read it often throughout this week.

humblestudent

Landminesgirl,
So sorry that you are going through this right now. Yesterday (day 1) I was at the TOTAL self-loathing stage. I just keep disappointing myself over and over. I got to the point where I quit even saying out loud that I was going to quit. It changed, to, "you know, I really should quit, I really want to quit...". Finally, I just stopped saying it, because I felt like a fraud, and I felt powerless to stop.

I've gone through the self-loathing part of the cycle every single week since I picked it back up. I just did the math...that's been 72 weeks. 72 times, I have looked in the mirror and hated myself, and I just am done.

And, like you just expressed, I thought, well, what the hell, I've already drank this weekend, might as well not stop now, who cares at this point? That thinking allowed me to drink and drink and drink.

I'm so mad at myself!!!

ohgod247

I have horrible anxiety, too. I've got major social phobia, have panic attacks, and worry about everything all the time. I've always used drinking to self medicate, but once I start I CANT STOP...and like you said it only makes the anxiety WORSE after the drink wears off. I understand what your going through 100%. I went on a 40 day binge a few months back and when i stopped I had seizures, hallucinations, and felt extremely paranoid. You're not alone! What i've found that helps me is exercise and eating right. It makes me feel better about myself. Learn to HATE alcohol. Don't remember the good times, remember the bad. Hope that helps. I really hope you the best!

humblestudent

OhGod247,
Oh yes...I worry about EVERYTHING all the time too. I just cannot deal with the post drinking anxiety anymore. What did I say, what did I do? Did I make someone mad? Oh my god, it goes on and on and on. I just have to think of it like poison, literally - because my brain chemistry just can't take the aftermath. And for what, really? To be staggering around in a blackout. Yeah...good times...insanity!!!

The other thing that I always did was say to myself, "This time, I will drink, but won't get hammered, black out, etc. etc." Like returning to the scene of a crime over and over again, trying to prevent the crime from happening. I had this weird need to prove (to whom? me?) that I could just be normal for once - have my cake and eat it too...

Uh - yeah. It never happened. And even if I could control it ONCE, TWICE, whatever...what does that even "prove". Nothing. Nothing other than the next time will be the bad one.

Nostalgic

oh man, humblestudent, I found myself nodding along to everything you said... that was exactly what I went through too when I was drinking; the anxiety, the relentless searching of my memory for any little thing that would have made me seem to be an ******* during the night.

The attempts at moderation were also common as well... if I could make one last stand and have just two or three, I felt I could prove to myself I wasn't under the demon's control and could fight back. it never happened once.

Keep at it; drinking isn't and shouldn't ever be the only way for someone to live.

LittleSparrow

I agree with everything you said. The point where you start thinking you're controlling it so well that you don't have to make an effort anymore, it's exactly what I did. But I don't think you wasted a year and a half; it seems like you've learned some things along the way and can now share them with others going through the same deal. Good luck.

gr8ful42day

Welcome back friend!

eJoshua

Thanks for posting. I have been struggling today so it is good to read things like this.

Welcome back! I'm so happy that you are ready to get well again.

CarolD

I'm glad you remembered we are here...Welcome back...
Do you have a plan in mind for your fresh start?

Dee74

Welcome back HS

D

tanja

I also suffer from terrible anxiety and panic attacks. I stopped drinking 10 days ago, but still don;t feel physically well. I haven't been able to drive in the past two months. I am wondering if the anxiety will get better in time? I do exercise every day and heavily supplement with amino acids.