happybear

I have this pattern of getting clean off coke, getting a few month's and then relapsing. I've tried lots of rehab's, years and years of aa/na meeting attendance, psychiatric hospital stays, sober houses, recovery houses, lots of step work, sponsers, religious zeal, different church's, etc...

Today I have 5 days clean. I still attend aa/na and I'm trying my best to work this program of recovery.

My is that i can't shake the thoughts of being a loser. I live with constant shame, I have been harshly ridiculed and the talk of this small community growing up and I can't help but feel like a leper that many folks despise. I always wanted to get clean and be the poster child of recovery and regain respect from my community.

Anyway, I'm lost confused and trying my best not to relapse again. Would love to hear any comments or suggestions or if anyone has had similar experiences. Take care

doggonecarl

I still cringe when I think of some of stuff I did to support my habit...and that was over 25 years ago. But to live in constant shame...that is just a recovery killer. And thinking that you are a loser. Stop! I am a firm beliver in the power of negative thinking because I lived it. For years I believed I was worthless and deserved to be an addict.

You can change it around. Forgive yourself and let go of the shame. Get clean and let your actions speak for themselves. Think you can win over your addiction and you will.

Good luck.

LoftyIdeals

It's true, what Carl said. I was too shamed to call myself a relapser, so for 28 years, I considered myself "in contemplation" about my addiction. It wasn't until just this year that I finally said, OK, I've now contemplated over half of my life, when do I take action. It was then that I found the only way to beat this is to surrender completely to it, to my program of recovery, and most of all, to my God. When I surrender, I accept the consequences of how I am perceived by the public, and am no longer enslaved to their judgments. As long as I allowed myself to be judged by others, there was always someone who could push me back into my addictions. Now, I stand on my own two feet, ready to accept responsibility, and steadied by my program, my supportive friends, and by God. You are in my prayers; what you describe is nothing short of hell on earth.

happybear

thank you very much, it really makes sense

sugarbear1

Congrats on your 5 days. Keep moving forward. This time, try working the steps as only the drowning may seize a life preserver. Best wishes

BoozeFree

Welcome and congrats on the 5 days, keep it up!

humblestudent

I know this is easier said than done - but you just cannot let other people define who you are. You are not a loser! You had a problem once, and now you're working to fix it. That's all. Everyone has their demons, things they aren't proud of. Even in your small town. You may not know about them - but those folks have to live them just the same. We are all just human, doing our best. Go easy on yourself...be gentle to yourself. After what you've been through, you deserve it.

happybear

Thanks all for the kind words and support

soberkellyxo

congrats on 5 days

artsoul

Hi happybear and welcome to the forum....

You've made a good start and you're here, so give yourself some credit..... I'm so sorry people have ridiculed you - maybe it's time to put more value on your own opinion and worth. Easy to say, I know, but I found that just getting sober and taking things as they come helped me feel better about myself, little by little. I still have to fight my negative thinking sometimes, but that's OK. It's all about "progress, not perfection."

One more thing: Now that you're here, you have lots of new friends!

feralheart

I used to constantly feel ashamed and call myself a loser in my own head. It never helped me in any way, it only made it easier for me to abuse myself. One thing I did when I first committed myself to sobriety was write out all my fears and worries and self hatred, then wrote a letter to myself as if those fears were expressed by a friend (ie "I feel useless and stupid" "you're not stupid and you have a lot of give to the world, you just have to realize all the good things you have to offer"). Having compassion for yourself is a really good thing.

wellwisher

I too had a lot of shame issues I had to overcome when I first got sober, and in addition, I had some members in my family that maybe, while well-intentioned, used to give back-handed compliments that stung and seemed to kind of steamroll over the compliment being given. For example, "Wow, you didn't take his head off; remember when you called Uncle Tom a XXXX and threw a beer on him (ps - not my favorite uncle but really still inexcusable behavior on my part).

For you personally, I think you need to draw an imaginary time-line that began five days ago, and to tell yourself when those feelings of being a loser and full of shame is, " stop it - that was then and this is now". Keep moving forward and try to stop those loser thoughts midstream. If you have to say "STOP" outloud to yourself, then do so and switch off that stinking thinking.

For others, even if well-intentioned, I used my counselors advice and would tell them, "Thank you for reminding me, but I don't do that anymore". Doesn't have to be a sarcastic retort; just state it matter of factly.

Change of thought, change of habit, and actually doing the things recommended is what gets us clean.

You can do this! You are NOT a loser. To quote a commercial seen in this Tri-State area, "There is no shame in being an alcoholic (or insert DOC here), the only shame is in doing nothing about it"

Yup!

eJoshua

Hi -

I don't have any great suggestions for you, but I sure know how you feel. The subject line of your thread pretty much sums up how I felt every day for the last year and a half of my addiction to alcohol.

Best wishes in your recovery - I know you can be successful.

happybear

Very helpful feedback thanks everyone. I am starting to feel better. Thanks alot

Dee74

Sorry I'm late to the thread happybear - welcome
Glad you're feeling better

D