I can't let him go! I'm going crazy! and he's an alcoholic.

Old 10-04-2011, 01:08 AM
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I can't let him go! I'm going crazy! and he's an alcoholic.

I dont know what to do and I need advice. I am new to this site so plz bear with me. Here's whats up
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Old 10-04-2011, 01:43 AM
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I dont know what to do and I need advice. I am new to this site so plz bear with me. Here's whats up: in the fall of 2008 i had just moved out on my own and started being independent, and i was also the most sick i've ever been. i've had an eating disorder since i was 14 yrs old. I am now 23. and it sucks and is taken 1day @ a time. anyhow, as soon as i moved into the city, i happy~ accidentally met someone i will never forget. it was purely lust @ first, then quickly came to the realization that it was much more (in my head). got super scared. weighed all my options, and continued to go down hill. I was @ the point where if I didnt get help I would most likely have died. yet somehow, i was able to hide this from him? i sensed his vulnerability and empathized his hidden issues as well. a connection indefinitely, but neither of us were good @ speaking and would never say what we felt. we we're both night owls and hung out almost every other day for 3mos. I couldnt handle my life anymore, tried to start that conversation and had to make up a story to get off the phone i was so ashamed I bailed and moved to south FL to go to rehab for my eating disorder. That failed miserably! so bad, I even called him to ask for help getting me home. I've never felt more low. I came and went several times since I left in Dec '08 til I moved back in Oct '09. Made hellacious messes and made an ass out of myself right in front of him. when I came back, not only did I still have a problem, I had become addicted to Xanax. I quickly got off that roller coaster and have never looked back! but still deal with the other things. after all that, we were still friends, and maintained contact. but the 1st thing i encountered returning is that is now a full blown alcoholic. He wont answer my calls, return any messgs, or answer the door. and it's not just me. he barricades himself from most ppl, wont talk, and is alone alot. but manages to work 40+ hrs a wk! he tells me to go away, stay, is an *******, but sweet. he doesn't know what he wants right now? then avoids me for 6mos. I cant continue this way, and it breaks my heart, but I love him to death! I'm in love w/him. and he cant respond back. I feel psycho. I think maybe he thinks i'm crazy, unattractive, insane for saying I love him not knowing him that well. But truth be told, no one knows him except him. I dnt know what to do. Does he want me in his life and need time? am I supposed to wait? how long? or are these obvious signs of someone telling you to **** off. Yet when he is "reachable" he says he doesnt want me to leave him alone. IDK what to believe! I make excuses for his behavior because I'm the one that left. But I HAD to! And i couldnt drop that bomb on him. He now is fully aware. I think maybe he is ashamed or doesn't need another mess in his life. Or he thinks im totally delusional and doesnt have the heart to tell me its over. But if I was pissing him off or he wanted me to drop off the planet, HE would tell me! It is killing me and I'm making myself more sick thinking about it 24/7. I just want him back. and Idk how to get him. if he wont respond to me in anyway, is he sleepwalking through his illness or should i walk away w/some pride?
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Old 10-04-2011, 05:03 AM
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Elt678-

Oh goodness can I relate to this post.

I started to really work on my recovery from an eating disorder when I was your age. That was a little over 11 years ago and it was the best decision I ever made. Along the way though I also met a loved one with addiction concerns.

What I have learned is that I CANNOT be there for someone else when I am so wrapped up in my own addiction. My loved one would become part of my addiction.

This is going to sound pretty contradictory right now, but you need to take care of you.

How I did that is the following:
-tx for my eating disorder
-individual counseling for my eating disorder
-group therapy work for an eating disorder
-body work, work with a dietitian etc
-In addition to help me with my loved one and it also really helped me eating disorder I attend Al-anon. It has helped me with both my eating disorder behavior and my relationship with others.
-Reading a lot about addictions (including my own) when I was ready.

I urge you to get some health for yourself.

It can get better.
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Old 10-04-2011, 08:49 AM
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Thank you. You are right on this one! and I am trying really trying. but the more things I have to deal with the worse my own problems get. I guess I just need an explanation or @the very least some closure. It is sooo difficult trying to take care of myself and live a normal life with others I just want him back but we both have problems. and I've tried to fix mine and it seems I only hurt others in the process. How do I reach him? and how do I reach myself?
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Old 10-04-2011, 08:59 AM
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Like Life Recovery I've been in similar shoes as you... I didn't start to get it together in my life until I not only sought treatment for my e/d but took it seriously. I think part of what makes me the saddest having been married to an addict is that he's had so much more support than I did and encouragement and love to get himself help and he isn't and won't likely ever be at a place where he puts everything else aside and chooses to get well. I know alcoholism and e/d aren't the same thing but they are addictions, they impact your brain/chemistry/thinking/logic etc... and I don't see there being much difference between the two when it comes to what needs to happen to get well.

You have to put you first, put blinders on to everything else as best you can and focus on your well being.

You can't be with anyone else healthily/happily or have a full life until you yourself are well.
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Old 10-04-2011, 09:01 AM
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You cannot properly take care of your own problems while worrying about him and his problems. You can't fix his alcoholism and he isn't relationship material at this point. It honestly sounds like he's not as interested in a relationship as you are, so you might as well let him go. You have more serious issues that you need to be concentrating on. We can't force someone to love us, and truth be told, you have no business being in a relationship either. You have a plethora of issues that you need to address.

Step back and tackle your own problems. Leave him alone to either deal with his own issues or not. Your plate is full enough.
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Old 10-04-2011, 02:25 PM
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Again, I appreciate the honesty and advice. I know whats gone is lost and cannot be found, but i have a huge issue in not being able to maintain my sobriety(it is sobriety) simply cuz i feel i am a bothersome and/selfish every time I try. excuses. aside from my problems, I cant forget or let go of everyone Else's. But yes, I do have bigger fish to fry. I just CAN'T not feel anything for him , and yet i believe he either wants me to leave him alone or cant make up his mind or have respect to be honest and tell me he has a problem and alot of that ails in the toxicity of he and I. I feel ridiculous, but everyone is right, I need to work on myself 1st and foremost! but in the back of my mind, i also know that coming to grips w/scope and figure of myself wont bring back the dead. As female and childish as it sounds, I will never cross paths w/other "him". but maybe one day I'll be in recovery consistently, and be able to handle myself and someone else that is better for me in my life of happiness. I think too far ahead, and not so much for here and now. I am not relationship material, especially @this point in my life. But if I could do that, he would be someone I would want to challenge that with. But obviously not true as opposed to "Him" now. and now, it's just how much I care about him and dnt want to see him suffer and individually care about his well being. I've seen too many GOOD ppl go but, how is someone in my position, supposed to watch this **** go on, yet, care, and ever even thinK about devising a plan to address it?! I cant exactly walk through the halls of help/recovery w/someone when I need to be there myself. Selfish or not focused?
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Old 10-04-2011, 02:35 PM
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A little of both. If he wants to talk to you, he'll call. If he doesn't call, then there ya go. Focus on YOU. Do whatever is necessary to get your own head screwed on right. Don't worry about tomorrow or next week or two years from now. Stay in the day and take the next right step for your own recovery.
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Old 10-04-2011, 04:56 PM
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Originally Posted by ELt678 View Post
Again, I appreciate the honesty and advice. I know whats gone is lost and cannot be found, but i have a huge issue in not being able to maintain my sobriety(it is sobriety) simply cuz i feel i am a bothersome and/selfish every time I try. excuses. aside from my problems, I cant forget or let go of everyone Else's. But yes, I do have bigger fish to fry. I just CAN'T not feel anything for him , and yet i believe he either wants me to leave him alone or cant make up his mind or have respect to be honest and tell me he has a problem and alot of that ails in the toxicity of he and I. ?
Elt678-

I get myself into a lot of hot water when I start listing all I can't do. I make myself crazy, and start to feel stuck, am likely to isolate, and just keep going in circles.

I do better even when I am thinking about what I can't do, being aware of and even listing what I can.

So my question/challenge for you is what can you do right now to help yourself (hint posting here is already a can in my opinion).
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Old 10-04-2011, 09:21 PM
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There will be another "HIM" but it won't be this exact one.

Ask anyone who has divorced and remarried...you can find someone to love and who is healthy to accept that love.

I agree w/ the others...and think they have more specific experience than I do on this situation...I hope that you make your recovery a priority.

You can't save him. You need to save yourself.
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Old 10-05-2011, 06:41 AM
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It helps me when I become attached to a loved ones troubles to remember the 3C's of addiction:

I did not Cause it
I can not Control it
I will not Cure it

His addiction and troubles belong to Him. As an adult, he needs to find his own path of recovery.

I needed to focus on taking care of myself. I needed to let the other adults in my life learn to take care of themselves. It was mutual respect. I wanted to be respected to make my own choices and deal with my own consequences of bad choices. I also wanted to respect other's choices and let them deal with their consequences of any bad decisions. It is a part of the process of growing.

And here is a slogan we have at Alanon and SR is:

Let Go or Be Dragged
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Old 10-05-2011, 11:30 PM
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Thank you "Pelican". Those are some honest and heart~felt words. In all serious, this response has mad me think quite a bit. I am sick of living the life i do so much, i would be much happier if I can just except me, and do what I was set out to do. And live life to the fullest extent. Feeling guilt for someone else's issues and letting that falsity control my problems, is very selfish of me to my own well being. It feels so good to know there are people out there who share common ground, and have experience in what you felt all alone in. Thank you
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